44/+7//14

 I am not tired.  I need to write, but i am not myself here.  I have not transcended anything, i have merely changed.  I am not as afraid, but i am someone else, too separate from what i was for me to recognize myself in the mirror.

What do you do when you know too much but not what to do with it.  What do you do when you know what you want but not how to get it.

Soon enough sleep will come, but who or what will awake in the place where i fall asleep?

As of 916

45/+6/15

I slept about the same length of time, but more restless, awake more, hours instead of minutes in REM sleep; not even minutes of deep sleep, nightmares about our future, rattle snakes coming out of pools of water and people who disappeared when I went to get help; strange vehicles with too many steering wheels, friends loosing interest in things I don't understand.

White signal in this day and age has to be considered in terms of context.  When the only mass transportation in the area was a horse drawn wagon, White Signal was named for a nearby outcropping of reflective white quartz; early residents thought the reflected sunlight resembled a signal.  I have seen the quartz, it has an almost painful brightness.

I suppose it is a part of my state of mind that I see things that are coincidences as signs.

I found out today that I am much busier than I thought and there is a lot of work waiting for my attention already.  I worked hard today, I also exercised more than I needed to and I hope that I willl sleep through the night, whether that is likely or not.

I plan to read into the night instead of doing the work which I could never finish without a little more sleep anyway.

The breeze is consant, but not strong yet.  I wonder how to fix things in my life, I think of the comfort that I crave and I am, at this moment, as far from it as I could ever get.

46 plus 5/16

I am in a very different place where past images lose significance.   Today is Tuesday, but Monday is largely lost even though I did things.  Time gets lost here.

I am trying to figure out a lot of things.  In w very real sense, you are my foundation, if not my truth and it is hard to turn away from that.  What is a building without a foundation except a pile of rubble or an accident waiting to happen.  What does that mean in the end if I ignore it.

I missed Monday here in terms of posting; but much of this was typed yesterday.  It is before sunrise again.  The picture below is from yesterday, but to the extent you can call this monotonous, the sunrise is similar.  The weather changed, the wind started blowing just as the owners left, just as they said it would.  

This morning the sky was fluorescent just before the sun rose.   The mosquitos took a while to turn up, the wind perhaps.  I let them chase us in as the dog seemed ready and I had walked him more than I wanted since he seemed hesitant to start on his own and even the fenced part of the yard looks alien to my eye and perhaps to his.

I managed to fix the blogger display problem by going through search-blogger instead of the app which seems counterintuitive since the app was designed for this platform.

I woke today at 5 yesterday (local time, closer to my normal biorhythms according to my old local time.  There was no chance of slipping back into oblivion, so I took the first shower in a while which felt good and thoughts of pump failures, on-off valves, refilling tanks, running out of propane, water filter gaskets, and the other half civilization features of this place ensured that even clean with a sleeping dog next to  me would not get me back to sleep.

This morning I slept till about the same, my watch tells me I had 8 hours and 22 minutes of sleep, 42 min deep; 6 hours of light, 1.5 hours of REM and 3 min awake.  Surprising myself, I slept better with the house to myself. 

Last night, though too dark to see, I navigated my way to the living room, light would have woken the others.  There were open doors with screens that provide evidence if not protection against intrusion and the cool air of the morning.  It was too dark for me to start working outside, the stars blazed in the sky where the moon had set.  Within a while, that changed and the sky looked like this:

This morning, it was similar, but I opened the windows to let the cool air in before the sun rendered it counter productive to cooling the house, a 3 window flow through airing out the ghosts of the owners and letting mine in.

What is missing from that picture?  The dog sleeps at my feet, the weather is good for me and apparently the mosquitos who are not really mosquitos by the standards of home, coffee, water...what?  There is only one cup.

48 plus 3

The desert is friendlier in the morning. It has a consistency of cold and hot I can't match.   I could have waited for the sunrise to prove it, but I promised this picture.

At night it is so quiet, only predators, that it is terrifying.  There was a spider standing the light switch daring me to use it.

There is no "call for help" because noone is neaby.  I am uncertain whether I can get used to it or not, but during the cold morning it seems possible.  I managed to sleep last night and feel like I have caught up on my sleep; you would not have guessed that possible from the thoughts I wrote down.

I worked a little yesterday to the extent I explained what I was doing and showed pictures and formulas; but nothing insightful or editorial even came from that.

There are larger birds (everythig is larger than a hummingbird); mostly blue jays and a chipmuck type creature fussing at me from a tree; or perhaps fussing at the dog.

For the first time since I left,  which seems like a much longer time ago, I am having cereal for breakfast and coffee.

There is a bald bluff in the distance, you can see the very corner of it in the picture.  I now have some idea of the distance that it represents, so close in vision you can reach out and and touch it, but lost in the low forest of the valley you have to cross to get there.

Yesterday in what was joked as a "death march" we hiked down to the ravine and back.

If I had a goal perhaps it woudl be to hike down the ravine and up to the bluff and then to take a pictue of the houuse which would be nothing but a red dot, I suspect.

It would be much smaller and less visible than the sun is.  I took that sunrise picture of consistency and I feel like if I took one of those over and over again and I managed to stay here despite the nights that I would never be able to tell one from the next.

The jays are fearless of the dog, they seem to both know who are native to this world and who are the interlopers.

Did I mention I am only 50 miles from the mexican border, that driving in I saw the border wall, largely meaningless in the immensity of this area.

I started too soon and my stomach is lurghing, i have to do myexercises.

49 plus 2

Early morning.

I finished travelling yesterday into this wilderness (with internet access) and spent the afternoon hiking the nearby woods, moving out of site of the property and everything else rather qickly.

I made extensive notes            coming out, perhaps they will make it here eventualy.  The one I will include here is that crossing into mountain time i turned on the radio to a mexican radio which i listened to with very little understanding until paying attention to the twists and turns became more important than seeing how much my subconscious could reawaken.

The tiny mosquitos that live here and the flies annoy us, me and the dog.

The house is owned by a geologist so there are rocks considered interesting all around me.   A color changing mineral will make it into my technical work should I have the opportunity to learn more about it.

News has be largely non-existent the last two days, perhaps i will hear more today.  

There is plenty of work and I at least laid things out yesterday evening; falling asleep late, but avoiding a silly scare as i organized my possessions.  It will be another hot afternoon; but it was cold this morning.

The lesson of yeserday was to open the south eastern curtains in the morning to heat the house to save gas in the winder, to stay at the house if it snowed, things which I may not need.

There is sorgum corn growing wild in the rocks from bird seed that washed down the hill.

Whe i arived here i was no sooner finshed with the meal I brought, an oversalted but delicious looking combination plate before i was up on the roof helping to diagnose and repair an air conditioner leak. It gave me a chance to do a panoramic video ot the area around this house which appears totaly isolated, but not as remote as when you cross one of the nearby ridges and all vestiges of civilization disappear.

There were dozens of hummingbirds feeding yesterday.

Chalcedony-quartz crypto crystiline

bi pyramidal prizms

These are things I have already added to my list of what is on the agenda.

The dog is at home here, I am not.

I learned of all  the things t hat need to be done, chlorine her, a chlorox type table there, this pump lever on, these to trun off and the hoses to drain and disconnect, I got some supplies, the list of supplies that are there; I got my work out for the first time to look over it.

Tomorrow I should get a refresher on what to do.

I am already a bit disoriented (the inner ear probleem) and concerned about staying here.  And yet...if you coudl see the beauty of where I am working, the desert stretech out before me to volcanos, the fleets of hummingbirds, the occasional strange butterfly, hawks on teh wing.

Even so, this morning I walked the dog with howls of coyotes everywhere.

It is terrifying in its lonliness and I feel  it coming on like a giant wave to a swimmer, it is invisible but just as terrifying.

It is so easy to get turned around in the aroyos and even on the ridges around here.

If you were here, perhaps then it woudl be the garden of eden, but in truth it is the shock of being thrown out of a type of eden, a place where everything was ordered.

The cold of the morning was replace by the bruthal sun and heat of the day and now it is almost the cold of the evening.

What next fate?

2/53

It is very short time.  I have done what I can do here to a large extent.  I have a number of documents to go through and determine what I need to bring and what I need behind.

It is very interesting to "be inside of me" (quoting someone else) right now.  There are doubt and there are wonders, there is uncertainty and there is commitment.  You don't have commitment to me, but I have commitment and I feel I am ok until January when things will certainly have changed by then for the better or the worse.

2 days is a pretty short time.  the conflicts are increasing and it makes me even more anxious to leave.  To get started with my version of the sea the sea.    

I am not fully able to reconcile everything that is happening around me as I prepare for this.

Not sure how to deal with what business although I have dealt with it over years to get me where I am for better or worse.  I have some breathing room and resources in place for the short term and the long term will require that something changes in the coming months, not years.

I may have to drive through this although the primary prediction attempts to make this irrelevant.  

It is a strange time of packing, hiking, physics, writing, contemplation (the musings of some dead greek thinker), my swimming stuff in case, a bike for that thing, and on and on.

4/55

I slept fitfully even after the swim yesterday and even after hitting the targets.  Today everything has been off my desk, so I have some breathing room over the weekend.  My heart hurt this morning, probably a pulled muscle, but who really knows when their lease is up?

A theft bothers me greatly, the invasion of my space even as I remember that all of the horrible things in my life had led me inextricably to the place where I find myself, unique in so many ways, unwanted in others, but strangely necessary.  And throughout the bleakest of times there were the best of times.  I am compiling a list of candidates and then trying to find a way to forgive or at least forget it.

I am anxious to leave even though I am still compiling the things I need.  I would leave today if I could.  Something about being on the road.  All those things, what I need....

I traveled when I was younger by motorcycle, a largely reliable R-50, welded under weird circumstances which I will not get into here, to hold a back pack, more than half the weight taken up with tools to keep it running.  I suppose I have gotten soft in my old age.

 Even though there are years of work to do, it is time to get to the issue of filing today.  There will always be more and always a tomorrow; but things are at the breaking point either way.  October looms large even as September has just begun and it is time to do some filing and printing and editing and even a little bit of discussing.  I am not sure that I can do what needs to be done,

10/29 is a real deadline of sorts; but the actual deadline is 2/3/22; almost 5 months off so there's that too.  I am in an enviable position although I know of no one who envies me.

This thing which may not be a thing at all is coinciding with my trip and may well result in some change.  There are 4 days till I leave and this map projects 5 days into the future.

I may revisit this post in the future, there is much to do yet this morning.

6/57

 Well, well.  It is under a week now and I find myself up at 5 am whittling down that document.  I would like to finish that work today and tomorrow; but I am thinking more in terms of next week despite my interest in moving this thing forward and having some breathing room to make sure everything else gets done.

I did 32 minutes on the rowing machine, a difficult undertaking made easier because there was a group doing exercises that moved outside so I could watch them in the high humidity giving me a comparative place from which to observe.  I also finished doing some back exercises and moderate weights, nothing too extreme, I had already done enough.

I continue to do packing, although the big challenge now is deciding what warm weather gear to bring and what to leave behind.  I understand there will be some stuff I can borrow which makes me lean towards less than more; but there are options, skiing and the like.  The anticipation and excitement makes your absence easier to bear and I can trade you for loneliness and whatever pleasures that holds for me.  I know many things can go wrong between now and then, but there are only 6 days till I start and starting is a beginning, as it were.

I redid drawings yesterday, looking at some of these weird equivalents.  It is an exhausting exercise and it shows how the math won't stop giving as long as one takes the opportunity to observe it.

72 plus 47 today.  I could live with that for the 6 day deadline.  Don't plan on it, but could be done.  A little artwork and I  cut that 47 down to 69 plus 31 with formatting, editing and consolidation including moving the new and improved index out of the document.

That sort of makes it ready to go at day 5, no way I want to do that tonight.  An interesting position to be in, although there is so very much more to do...

I have already made some additions, but I could do this forever and the goal is to have something out of the way and to have a print out to take into the desert.

I swam, broke the very strong rubber cable, knew I'd do it eventually.  I may take a version of that to NM with me, one more thing to look for, the parts necessary to put it together in case.

I have a long list, need to decide on the right coat (s), the cables for swimming, the charger station and the cables to go with it including for the swimming gear if that makes it, goggle, the secondary pair or the primary pair.

Even though I'll face the 57 day deadline, I go knowing that the deadline I meet today will give me months if I decide to take advantage of that, but it is a lot to look at, a lot to think about and I suppose in the end the 57 day deadline is a hard deadline in part if not in whole and for that I will have plenty to do.

7/58 THPD/THPD

I swam again yesterday.  Three days in a row swimming, maybe 4 is a little much; but soon enough I will not be swimming as often I would like. 

I looked into a booster vaccine, not to be, not yet.  Probably just as well.  Better to avoid people.

Is it ok to hate you when you disappear?  Is it not your right to do what you want and mine to accept it as the bed that I made for myself?  In the end when I hate you, I am hating myself, just as it should be.  And who deserves it more than me.

Einstein said, "Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible," and that is indeed what I have done.  It is a slow road to being acknowledged for it, but I believe that given a little more time I will see it.  That doesn't mean that I do not seethe with righteous anger every time I see a multi-million dollar grant being awarded for what I have already done.

In the end I will be given credit for ending the whole idea of achievement; a necessary irony.  I can only earn a Nobel prize by proving it has no value.

 It was a peaceful morning after the storm, to some extent during the storm.

It is almost a relief to see one of the deadline dates disappear.  It will not keep me awake at night any more.

The 7 days left are enough time.  I'm down to 120 pages meaning i can hit my 7 day target by losing 20 pages.  There is plenty to do and plenty to do once I get there assuming the escaped lunatics, gangs, prisoners, giant snakes, demons, poisonous plants, triffids, insects, blizzards, etc don't kill me (or is it us?) first.

The 58 day deadline includes one that I will give to another group.  At least that is the plan...