my road the last 26 pages

The end is in sight in terms of words and in terms of time to do them.
I've decided that I've put to many "" in the work, but I doubt I'll have time to deal with that because so much is happening.
Life is so full, but that did not prevent me from swimming 6300 yards the last 3 days.
I have some serious issues to deal with and I'm waiting to see if any of them deal with themselves or not.
In a predestined universe, it is complicated trying to evaluate where you are at at any point in time.
In a universe where you can stop playing a continuing part at any point in time it is hard to do things like swimming 6300 yards when you're not doing much other than moving back and forth and trying to get enough air so that you can enjoy another minute playing a role.  It's even harder not doing what you think you should be doing.
If you can do something hard, and we all do hard things, then when you don't do what you think you should be doing, there is something wrong with you.
So it's time to go to the desert, time to finish the books, time to run away and make love.
I don't do it, but that's no reason why everyone else shouldn't and there's no reason why you shouldn't do it.
It is time, it's always time.
Not tomorrow, not next week.
Now is the time for everything.
But not for me, not yet time.

My road, god and the science of despair

This takes us through page 87.  While this is just the re-write of a post previously written (edited if you prefer) it is such an important chapter, that it seemed appropriate to publish it even though it was largely set out before, embodying as it does so much information, even though in a fictional context.

I would say that your silent admiration is enough, but complete silence is often counterproductive.  However, under the circumstances and accepting as this chapter does that your response or lack thereof is already predetermined, I don't know that disappointment, even sadness is warranted, irregardless of its presence.

Anyway, here it is:

            “As I approach the end of my life as a virtuous person, it is important now to share the science of despair.  I have spoken of this theory.  It is not an allusion or other literary device.  It is, unfortunately, a very real thing.

            “At the time that I came up with it, I envisioned it as beginning with Einstein in the early 1900s, that clever physicist realizing that things were not what they seemed, that things only appeared the way they did from a relative view point that could change and change very easily.             “She, however, corrected me. It seems that she knew more about what I had developed than I did.  What I developed was the end of religion and the end of atheism.  I had answered both and rendered both irrelevant, although it would take me years to fully appreciate it.

            “Did you read the paper I sent to you,” the narcissist asks his one true love?

            “Yes, although I didn’t understand all of it.”

            “That is probably more because of my inability to properly express the technical side of things and the remaining portions yet be deduced.  In fact, I may never deduce them, it may be beyond my grasp.”

            “It looks like Zeno’s paradoxes.”

            “What!?”

            “Zeno, he was a Greek philosopher 5,000 years ago.  He was the teacher of Socrates.  But he came up with a series of inconsistences in time and space which would be known as Zeno’s paradoxes to support his teacher, Parmenides.”

            “On further study, I was to confirm this and the deep understanding of the Greeks concerning the paradox of space and distance.

            “Disheartened?  No at all.  First, it went a long way towards validating my work.  Also they had the what, but not why.  And while my work was not entirely original, I was able to formulate a mathematical model that explained an information based non-dimensionally tied space, energy, matter and black hole systematic pyramid. 

In the 1900s that famous Jewish physicist began to unravel the mystery and came up with the idea of space time and that without time everything would happen at once.  He could not give up dimension and time being present which was the same problem that the later hologramists had.  The reason that they were unable to figure out this very minor issue, although to be fair it was considered extensively in their works, was that they were all working backwards.  They were all starting with a linear universe and working back to a singularity.  Einstein, correctly, had at least recognized the possibility, by negative inference, of a singularity where everything happened at once.  It might be said without offense, that my primary contribution was in making a positive inference from a negative one.

            “Even fiction writers had come fairly close.  Kurt Vonnegut had a character come unstuck in time and his experiences were without true linearity.  But there was neither the theory to tie it down, nor did space time cease to exist at any point in the fictional examination.

            “Most factionalists clung desperately to multi-dimensions and time travel scenarios because they fit better within a ‘random’ linear framework.  While I was the first, perhaps, to give a frame work to the nonlinear environment, it came down to hologram theory to create a universe where everything happened at once, even though it was, incorrectly, a non-Zeno universe.  Again, the failed to completely eliminate randomness.

            “Hologram theory, working from observed phenomena, or more precisely from mathematical models of what they thought they were seeing in black holes, was the first theory to apply physics to the problem and determine that space was a projection from a two dimensional framework.  Unfortunately, like my earlier theory of EHT, this theory suffered because it could not abandon a dimensional framework.  It was inherent in a hologram that everything happened at once, being frozen in a universal hologram, but the idea that you had to project reality forth was where the theory would always fall short.  And even without projection the hologram itself had dimension.   The part which misled the hologramists the worst was a misunderstanding of black holes, the study of which had led to the theory.  Hologram theory held that at the level of gravitational and spatial collapse within a black hole that everything collapsed down to the two dimensional hologram.  They saw, as did EHT, the collapsing of space in a black hole as instead of what it was, a greater, no, an exponentially greater sharing of information or time orbits, within large concentrations of “coordinate information.”

            “There was one step left by the prior physicists to take and I took it.  It is the idea that space-time doesn’t exist at all.  It is the application of Einstein to Hologram theory that everything does happen at once. 

            “How does this indicate despair?  It sounds just like a physics lecture,” Jane asked.

            “To understand how it relates to despair, you have to leave physics and think about what it means as a philosopher.  Every moment continues to exist complete with all of its accompanying joy and trauma after we think it has passed.  Truly your life is what you make of it, but imagine if, having been made, it remains there forever.  The girl is forever doomed to be ignoring my pleas to go out before I got married. I am forever failing to do whatever it was going to take to make our relationship work.  The moments we suffered apart continue after they are gone into eternity, or into non-linearity which in some ways is the same and in some ways the opposite of eternity.”

            “But that makes it sound like all you need to do is start each day doing the right thing and keep it up, right?” Jane asked.

            “That, you correctly state, is the value of virtue.  While I was in a state of virtue, even though everything was crumbling around me, even though I faced a financial oblivion that threatened to destroy everything around me I was doing everything right. That is why my life at that time was a great as it had ever been….”

            “But is presumed by the long pause,” The regular said.

            “Yes, but if everything has happened, everything, as shown by math, physics and chemistry, can be predicted.  Predestination quickly follows from the ability to predict anything and the idea that every moment is frozen in its entirety containing all things that are happening in the universe.  The despair comes from the knowledge that there is only the illusion of self-determination.”

            “This conclusion came to me at the same time, or shortly after I had recognized that the mathematics was actually the mathematics concerned with information theory.  This leap of discovery would have been obvious to a freshman physics student with the least precocious mind, even though it took me almost a year after I had written down the information equation in support of my theory to realize what it meant. 

“When it finally did, very slowly, sink in to me, other scientists were already speculating that we were some kind of digital movie, an idea which I had already had, but which they made sound original by their superior access to the press.  But they remained far behind me, because I had discovered a new form of time that embodied space.  It was coordinate information theory.  A type of information which worked just like the information that we have, but which was subtly different because it made up the universe and because it remained in place long after it expressed itself with the illusion of linearity.

            “There was more to this, of course.  I was able to come up with the process for solving pi which otherwise was, by its very definition, an infinite series and therefore unsolvable in a linear environment.  I was able to explain what gravity was.  You remember my rant about Higgs Bosons.  Well, my theory yielded the reasons why a true Higgs boson was undiscoverable.  It explained how the fields were unified and why we could not take advantage of it.  I was able to prove that time remained frozen in place, and why we could never break into time in order to move about in it like a worm in the dirt.

            “Does this make me wise or brilliant?  No, it only makes me inquisitive.  For it to seem brilliant, someone else has to accept it.  And to accept it was to render it valueless.”

            “How could it be valueless?”

            “Because in a predestined universe, it has already happened.  I am merely a vessel carrying it to market.  Something has already filled the vessel and sent it to the market.  Even my existence is predetermined.”

            “You said you have proved and disproved god.”

            “Not in so many words, what I had done is to disprove religion as we believe in it.  In a predestined universe, there is no reason for faith and no need to acknowledge subservience to god.  The universe, whether a god created one or not, has already pre-programed into us our belief or disbelief.  Those who use religion to control others or as an excuse to do harm or good are merely following a script over which they have no control.”

            “But you don’t deny some sort of god.”

            “I redefine god.  God is not some all-knowing being, it merely represents a state of things, a creation where everything happens at once and without the possibility of randomness.           “The universe is self-determined and infinitely repeated.  It is circular, quantum and finite.  To the extent that it was created, it was created without a moment, because a moment would not have existed if linearity is an illusion which it must be for everything to be so predictable as to allow for mathematics.”

            “So you are saying there is a god, whatever your definition?”

            “The existence of a type of god is inherent in a predestined universe, but it is not the god that you would pray to.  It is a god that has stripped the meaning of life and the meaning of faith.  What value would your prayers have to a god who had already determined whether they would be given or not?”

ghosts of books in the future: notes from desk

I made it to page 81 of 119 pages with 62,000 words.  I looked at all the unpublished posts, including poems that I have now redacted.  I didn't get too far in that project which, when completed, will be "the fickle lover" aptly named in my opinion.

It makes me very melancholy.  Occasionally, like tonight, I have exercised enough, work has gone well, I want to feel peaceful and relaxed and then I see whats missing from my life and I deflate like a balloon, a reflection of the sadness in the book that will, soon enough be finished. Essentially written in 30 days and edited in 15, proving that some sort of book can be written in 45 days.

(1) I read a lot of notes that needed to go into the book, some on gas lighting, such as this one:

 "However, it is not so easy to identify a “high functioning” narcissist. He (or she) tends to be responsible, will have a good job, own his own business, be good with managing his money, will have good credit, own his own home, often be highly intelligent and creative, may have a history of a long-term marriage or relationships, will be involved with his children, will take excellent care of himself physically, and may also be a prominent member of society.

It is harder to detect the abuse or dysfunction when you are dealing with a high functioning narcissist. Interestingly, it is often their partners who come to believe they are the problem in the relationship. The intelligent high functioning narcissist outsmarts and even brainwashes his partner which leads the partner to believe his taunt that she is the one with the problem. He is still a narcissist and cannot accept blame of any sort; for example, if he does have an extra-marital affair he will blame his partner, saying her behavior made him do it. Like the classic narcissist, the high functioning narcissist also engages in ‘crazy making’ (projecting, gaslighting, etc) and their partners cannot express their anger without being subject to accusations, reminders of the partner’s many faults, or having the issue completely ignored while the focus is changed to the partner’s reaction to the issue.

Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

Psychological projection is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against unpleasant impulses bydenying their existence in themselves, while attributing them to others.

(2) Then there were other notes, some peaceful, like this one: "Like the morning glories outside my office beautifully encircling while chocking them off. Never regret it , though you miss it everyday, if you don't then you've died."

(3) Others seem poetic: A lover's soul dwells in the body of another

(4) Some seem to have unclear historical places: Stoic-Zeno: Not where you are born into but the human race as a whole.

(5) Some are parts of other books on the downfall of the modern rome:  "exporting slavery-getting others to do your manufacturing. Roman empire-a slave fo r every person in the empire if not 3. They will bring US down just as rome was usurpered. They will be the ones supplying the world a way of life, not us.
And this one: "Term limits-people used to die young, now we have an older, less sickly congress
decisions more complex, results happen faster"

(6) Some seem to have science:
The physics beyond the looking glass

(7) Some seem to talk about radio shows
Farewell to the country store-a prarie home companion

(8) Some talk about books written in the past
BGWang-Sullen, unhappy group, did not work, like desperate bands back home. and beneath to close off edg hyped the inability to do work in america with american workers. While point was that One company was able to do this, the gist of this was the impossibility of competing globally, a fault of our government as much as our overall economy because we are being systematically attacked and the government is forsaking its one true goal, to protect the republic in times of war.

(9)Some seem to combine poetry and science
All potential, but not all things. What if einstein is wrong and everything doesn't happen at once-just the potential for everything to happen, this allows for self determination while implicit in our universe: potential equals energy it is not suggested in circular arguments, infinite series.
Infinite series-better not best
how old would you feel if there was no age, with you 20, without you 1000, give away u and give away youth and therefore life

(10) Some don't make any sense
Disease strips certain carriers common.

(11) Some are just notes
Military society reflected by predominance of military on stage at superbowl, but real power lies in economy unless you are actually firing guns, a war we are losing quickly. An advertisement even es
hyped the inability to do work in america with american workers. While point was that One company was able to do this, the gist of this was the impossibility of competing globally, a fault of our

(12) and Some seem to be the ghosts of books future:

Monsters of night-all night workers are vampires or those who work around them. I don't like night people. There is something wrong with them. They are doing drugs or selling drugs or looking for a reason to kill you because you looked at their girlfriend who wants to see them kill someone for her if she's out at night-when asked why he doesn't play in a band.

Good night love where ever you sleep tonight.  How thinking about you affects me, how you torment me how you elude me, how I miss you.
The moon drives all lovers mad
And so we are left with a world of madmen and those who envy them in their sadness and insanity.

half way

This is what silence sounds like.
What do you think about it?
At least there is no poetry
Half way though the edits
means that I get to live everything
all over again
although it is a little tougher
trying to keep at least a modicum
of organization.
I am, in a sense, slightly ahead of schedule
but this is one of at least two
with little attempt to reduce redundancy
and only a minimal amount of consistency
backing back and forth in time
back and forth in terms of redemption
and the loss of redemption
and you wonder why I torture you with it
its because in back to the future
george is afraid to show his writing
because of the fear of rejection
and i think sharing my fears
is well worth the risk
if the reward
is that you know what I'm thinking
if it is worth knowing
but for now, I'm glad to be half way there
it is a long slog
trying to make something
out of nothing
but maybe it isn't
maybe, just maybe it is something

19 Traveling alone 2500 years ago and today- Part 19: in the land of wind and crows-The middle of nowhere

it is silence impatience sadness longing unreasonable jealousy. it is what's next.

some notes for the edit of my road

As those of you who read more than one post sporadically know, I wrote my road in 30 days (maybe 35, but who is counting?  I am trying to edit it in 15 (maybe 20).  It was finished at around 40,000 words and edited should be closer to 70, right now its just over 60.  From a minimal book or large novella to novel length.
Here are some thoughts on religion from the edits:
The last thing a bug thinks before it hits a windshield is "everything happens for a reason."  The last thing a bug says to another before they both hit the windshield is "everything is going to be alr..."

I'm also dealing with racial issues, so some of the thoughts include that white people shoudl invite the minorities into their secret societies and fraternities now.  The should make them the presidents of their corporations and the leaders of their governments while they are still in a position to control, train if you would, them.  Eventually they will be there anyway.
In fact, there are very few true minorities in this country.  The reason is that there was so much forced prostitution in the slave trade that the races were indelibly  and we are now combining social status, usually forced by an unfair system, and skin color to distinguish people who are largely indistinguishable.

someting normal

I am cold tonight
I cover my body with thick blankets
but there is no relief
My stomach recoils from what i ate
Unwilling to rest if I cannot
I look out from bleak windows
sometimes I see rolling hills
covered with tall, green trees
and sometimes i see a flat, bleak land
filled with ruined foundations
ending in a short beach and the restless sea
I look at the obligations that i have
those I expect to meet and those I don't
and try to find something normal
if you look hard enough it's missing
there is nothing normal
all that i have is a moments peace
what's wrong with a little comfort
relaxing between life's battles
how come when you look closely
you see through the quiet
it doesn't have to be that way
for you, for me, for the couple
that has not yet found peace
it would be better for everyone
if only we could find something
Normal