36 days to next deadline! apocalypto 378 going too fast and trading too quickly

It is interesting to see how things can be recycled from one decade to the next.

I rushed out of the office, too fast I am afraid; for while I was safe, I was not as safe as I could have been.

It was possible to swim 1800 yards, 1000 im and 800 warm up, at least I think it was 1800.  It could have been 700; I was swimming fast the whole time, perhaps not enough warm up, certainly not enough warm down.  I cut out one lap of breast stroke too because I ran out of time and thought it was better to get some sort of warm down rather than none.  I ran off without putting my sandals on so I could at least rinse off and had to go back and get them which, fortunately, was not a problem.

But then I was distracted by you today and drank too much coffee and a little tea at lunch and my adrenaline levels are still all out of whack.  I can only hope the blood from the swim eventually spreads out and brings thing down a bit or that I otherwise crash so I get some sleep tonight.

You see thinking about you keeps me alive and kills me at the same time, i cannot expect you to understand.

I worked out a couple of problem, the idea of steadily compressing to create orbits; but the question becomes are the inner electrons captured within the folds?  I think that is likely.

I made some headway into the next small grouping, although there are more questions than answers.

No response to my angry letter.

You have to understand that this is about you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6vwrxDc3TA as is this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xXXIPRZ1Nw and this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xXXIPRZ1Nw and conceivably everything else, everything seems to be designed around you, about you.  I have nothing to say about this philosophically or otherwise, it is what it is as everyone keeps saying, a tautology for the ages.

Anyway, I was talking about recycling decades and this is the post from long ago that is just as relevant today as when it was written I suppose.

The last 5/13/13 post: trading and killing friendship for love

I saw the movie the Great Gatsby.
It spoke to me.
I'm not saying it was the greatest movie ever.
But it was well cast and the story had meaning.

37 days to next deadline! apocalypto 377 Empty victories

Swam 1700 yards today, shortened the warmup to 500 so I could do the cardio portion without being in the pool the extra 10 minutes yesterday.

Covid, being rampant and the number of people being surprisingly large considering how cold it is convinced me to err on the side of a shorter workout and it was tough anyway.

Another friend of mine got covid last week.

My stomach feels better today.

I finally got rid of the immediate deadlines, I now have a 37 day window, not that there are not other deadlines in the interim.

I am frustrated because I am being sidelined unfairly.  Believe it is as unfair as it can be.  Today it got to be a little too much for me so I had to say something; but its unlikely to help much.  I'm in a terrible economic pinch and I don't see things getting better soon enough unless I take chances which I'm not likely to take.  It won't eliminate next steps; but it will certainly reduce them.  Things could still change, I just don't see it happening in time and not with what's out there.

Then, of course, there is the outright corruption, I've taken concrete steps on that also, nothing I can write about.

I'm sleeping terribly.  up at 2 this morning for over an hour, then slept till 6.  It's only 645 and I'd like to go to sleep right now.  Best not too, even though my eyes hurt and I could go to sleep.  Have to consider the depression angle of all of this, not let it get away from me.

There are several posts from 5/13/13 so its time to get rid of them.

5/13/13

Solve the secrets of the universe

the fundamental nature of matter

solve your financial problems

give everything you have to others

if you don't have love

it will mean nothing

 

life has little meaning to projections

that thrive on the need for someone

and all the victories ring hollow

when you turn over at night

and the one you reach for

is no longer there

 

We must be obsessed

with love and longings

when the only true vacuum

is in the heart

that has lost love

and filled with longings

 

 

3, 5 apocalypto 374-5

A long day.  Thankfully, managed to get the hard work of the week done yesterday.

I have started a new countdown.  My old countdown ended up counting down to the counting of the electoral college vote.

You laughed, but I laughed last.

Didn't expect that did you?  Well, I think everyone expected it to some extent.  What weird news.

I have not spent much time talking about my brain tumor or my coffee intake.

Indeed, I'm worried enough about my weight that I haven't even been looking at that myself.

I have drank too much coffee over the past days and my stomach is in terrible shape and my brain problems have not been exponentially bad, not good either.

Today I was at a funeral, it was freezing and cloudy and went on and on, standing in the cold wind, many elderly people; but it was a good funeral.  Afterwards I felt terrible.

Two days in a row leading up to today I did nothing but a few weights and walking.  Today, however, despite the time outside, despite feeling bad, despite the cold I swam.  Managed, to my great surprise, to do 2200 yards, 1100 IM, although the last 300 were not very pretty, but they were not particularly ugly either.  

I'm ready to go to sleep; but it is too frigging early to think about that.

My stomach hurts.  I am eating tums like crazy.  I hope things aren't worse than they seem.

Another friend of mine has covid; I'm not around anyone much.

It is the next day.  Today was just a short bike ride, much shorter than normal, but it was really cold; post hole starting to dig out a concrete embedded post.

I saw your note around the same time I was doing something that might be considered a little gross, but not really.  It's the kind of thing I wouldn't tell you.  Maybe the second day of our honeymoon.  Wouldn't ruin it on the first day, but the second day...well it would be too late for you not to look for some reason to find it not so gross.  And maybe we could make love and you could try to forget you heard it.  Make you wonder doesn't it?  Well, plan to keep wondering.

I will wait to respond to that note because it was a long time in coming so a response can be equally long.  I am engaged in a weekend of schadenfreude, but it is tempered; I'd like to be enjoying it with you, if you don't mind me saying. 

I'm reading a book just to read it; the first time in a long time.  it is about someone unstuck in time and I completely feel a part of that book.  I went through a mental breakdown over a period of years, then became a theoretical physicist; very different lives.  Also, there is a lot of swimming in it; I am doing a lot of swimming.

This is another post, from May 13, 2013; it seems to be a time like now in some ways, without the schadenfreude; without the same promises of the future, but with something crucial missing which overshadows everything else.

 

5/13/13  Alone surrounded by people

Is it possible to be alone
when you are surrounded
Test love against time
against all takers
those things which reject love
let it be killed
by neglect
by disbelief
by difficulty
by absence
in every way of the non-believer
and after all those are past
if it still lives
to be able to
write poetry to a lover

day 0, 5 apocalypto 372

5 am, I have been up for an hour.

The last of the elections sort of ended last night except for the counting which continues.

Yesterday I surprised myself.  Forced to get out of the house and to exhaust these emotions which will not let me sleep, this sense of useless regrets and longing, i went to the gym and got there at 5 pm, right when they reopened after between session cleaning and swam 2200 yards, 1200 im; there was nothing fast or impressive in it; but I did it and feel better for it; considering the alternative which was either yoga again or nothing.

I had found a 40 minute yoga workout I planned to do; perhaps today.

I find a lot of posts I prefer to ones like this; but at times like this where i am restless and uncertain about the future; where nothing seems to be going right, it is easiest to just take whatever comes next and deal with it.

Well today turned into a weird day.  There was a metaphorical burning down of the Reichstag.  I predicted this in an earlier post, btw; at least on facebook.  It eclipsed the democratic majority sea change in congress.

The president of the united states had his social media shut down.  I actually wanted to hear a speech by the majority leader of the Senate.

All of that was a bit overwhelming, and a cousin of mine blew her brains out with a gun.

I didn't do anything but a walk and some weights today; but its been a weird day.

Interestingly, the post from 5/10/13 was entitled: "why is good and evil implicit in e-hologram theory," and today was a day full of good and evil.

There is a lot more to say, perhaps I will edit this post later, but its been a strange day and tomorrow will be a very busy day.

5/10/13

not only must a good physical model come from theory, but an explanation on the human level is important.
evolution and human conduct must have some foundation in fundamental particle theory (See the foundation series by Issac Asimov for a fictional treatment).

day 3-1, 8-6 apocalypto 371 fractals vs fields and a short, uneventful trip back to 5/7/13

I built a fire to ward off the cold and loneliness, at least it is not as cold.

I got a large bottle of bourbon as a business gift this year.  Perhaps I should turn to alcoholism.  It is not my way, but I am interested in taking a drink if things work out.

I spent the morning looking at a post that had broken off.  It's set in concrete, that's helpful.  I put a bolt into it but the longest bold I found does give enough purchase to tests it.  I don't plan on buying a bigger bold, I'll either find another one or work on something else.  The easy solution is to dig post holes on either side and if I cannot rock it out at that point in time, I just drop in two posts instead of the one.

I have added an electric guitar and a classical guitar in my music room.  I need to start taking more time to play music.  There is always so much for me to do. 

I remain in a place which should help with the music; but perhaps it will be muted over time, be replaced, not as easy for me, replacement is not really a thing for me; my memory or programming is too permanent; I am a solid state circuit.  Perhaps, you are more of a vacuum tube; a beautiful glow when it is operating, but essentially nothing filled with hard stuff.  Don't get upset with the metaphors, they are driven by frustration, not reality.

I managed to do a full 2050 yard swim with 1050 in IM; not my best effort; but given the work I did earlier and everything else, I feel like I did what I could; not the least of which is a level of disgust in the way things are going with me which would create a deep depression if I did not have so much that prevents me from letting that happen.

I am as tired of daydreams as a person can get.

It's two days after I started this post.  Yesterday I did nothing but walk, whether I'll do anything today remains to be seen and it remains to be seen what, if anything I write from here.

5/7/2013

This post only had a title, what a waste!

Evolution and Progress-paradox

So rather than disappoint, I'm going "back to the present" and I'll discuss some theory.

You can read whatever you want to into that heading, I am sure there is a lot that I thought of unpacking there, but saved till now.

Instead, I will talk about something that can be unpacked, space time field equations vrs AuT fractal mathematics.

Spacetime is described by Einstein's Field Equations.

Image from LOG#105. Einstein’s equations.

gμν$g_{\mu \nu }$ is the metric tensor that describes how distances and angles are measured in spacetime.

AuT-tensors are combinations of distances and angles, to replace these we have orders of solutions, relationships between the solutions and the solutions themselves, positive or negative for a quantum point; but summed up for the points over any number of quantum points.  In AuT the terms T and C lose their meaning, pi is fixed for any matrix and g is repaced by these sums.

Tμν$T_{\mu \nu }$ is the stress-energy-momentum tensor that is the source of gravitational fields; mass is one part of it.

Again energy does not exist in AuT in quantum states, nor does mass as such, but merely as a level of organization, referred to as compression between states of information.

Since these vary in spacetime we often say that it is like a fabric that bends.

This varying of tensors is actually important for us in AuT because it is proof that the underlying iterated equations are changing, the source of the fractals we experience.

day 2 of the new year 6, 11

So I saw this yesterday

CL View Obituary

Congressman - Elect Luke Letlow Start 41, 29-Dec, Kilpatrick Funeral Homes ~ Monroe.

Note that congressman trumped Luke.

Because I care, unlike some people.

I hope you are satisfied.  Seriously.  I am frustrated as hell but there is no reason everyone should be.  We can do what we need to do.  I haven't done it yet, but I am going to look for how to live my life and do what I can to deal with the cost.  For now all I have are these conversations with myself and questions about the future. 

I don't necessarily like being alone but I understand it and to some extent I remember it.

It is both freedom and prison; but escaping from one to another is a type of freedom.  Where are those  results?

I finally got around to doing yoga, 30 minutes, but it was one of those workouts where you get a warning that maybe you should do an easier workout if you're unable to motivate yourself regularly.  I did about 80 % of it at 80% I'd say.  Probably should have done 40 minutes; but I did more than 20 and more than a morning warm up.

It took me a moment to figure this out, but this post is about boarding at military school, forced to sit at a desk for an hour or more every night to do homework.  That was another person who died of loneliness, I suppose, but in this post, for a moment that child was resurrected.

5/5/2013

The lost years-fluorescent nights

where other kids were having dinner with family, he would sit under flourescent light, bored till he'd chance hiding a book under the text to read and not studying, a short break from the work, escaping again to his books for a moment where he really lived, there and in his imagination, the windows open behind him so patrol could ensure he was at his desk for the requisite time, no break even to use the bathroom, behind him the bed tightly made where he would sleep, a thin mattress over metal.

Day 1 of 2021

Back to the older posts from 2013.

We'll get there, but first:

I hate you for not wishing me happy new year, I will get over it.  I guess I deserve it.  You can't have it both ways, you can't be reading this and not saying happy new year.  I can't wait to start completely over.  It is definitely time to start living life.  That being said...

2021 is off to an inauspicious start.  There is still no word on things.  Now I expect nothing before 1/4; but I still don't know what I didn't know where things stood on 12/20; maybe you could have made a better mash up of things if that had happened, who knows?

I seem to be having wrong way weight fluctuations todays.  We'll have to see how that works out.  After the good work out yesterday...

The coffee was good today.  I hit the ground running and was up pretty early and working on what needed to be done on this short time fuse new year.

I have 7 days to finish a mostly finished application which could easily take 7 days; and 11 days to finish another which is only a rough outline.

Luckily for me it is possible.

I decided I had to do something, new years resolutions and all, so I rode my bike to my office and back, something pretty mediocre but which allowed me to clear off some calendar duplications and get things ready for the big push which I may or may not have the energy for this evening...

I walked the dog and took down a broken fence after the bike ride.  It left me pretty wasted, old age I think, the kind of things which would have just invigorated me in the past.  I did think on the work for the 3rd project (1/4-1/5 project 1, 1/8 project 2 and 1/12 project 3).  The problem is that project 2 and 3 will add to project 1; but I'll do what I can and I'm just glad I have this weekend to put 3 into shape to incorporate loosely into 1.  I was talking about how tired I was...

Sometimes I feel the loss more than others.  Before my shower, during the shower I definitely felt it.  I need to change my personal life dramatically.  I'm not sure how to do it without this project taking off, but I'm as frustrated as I can stand right now and I'm sure there is something that could be done to solve that in fairly short order.  I think the universe is hypocritical dangling happiness in front of me and bogging me down in this mess.

Tired as I was, I also needed a shower more than rest; the first one of consequence (not at a gym) in a few days; I think my clothes were starting to become permanently attached and I needed a shave pretty badly despite some attempts to keep things under control with a dull razor.  I feel a lot better now, although I am basically in pajamas in the early evening, that is nothing to write home about.

I've been working on this too:  758-802MHz is the frequency range available for cellular which uses 3 bit communication using timing, wavelength and frequency.

What was I thinking about in may of 2013, it's mostly bull, even though it led to where I am today.

5/5/13 what is love in the hologram universe-thought and soul III

Since we have a great deal of evidence that thought is part of the singularity and hence in e-hologram theory happens over and over (thought=chemical plus electrical impulse; therefore has mass; therefore is nothing more than tendencies in the singularity expressed in gravity as a result of the addition of time) we are left with the troubling concepts of "predestination" and "soul" and "afterlife" in a universe which comes from a singularity.
We also discussed briefly self-determination at some level which means that while the singularity would define things on one scale; on a separate scale the singularity would exist separately.  This is a tricky slope, which largely undermines the entirety of e-hologram theory.
This is critical to time travel and plays a part in faster than light travel (don't get me started...yet) since our ability to view the past and predict the future is tied to the "completeness" of the singularity.