9722

 Your life you shared with me was more real than my own. 

I miss sharing everything.  I recognize the voids, you may wish I didn't share so much.

I slept late, it is after 6.  I woke still having the cough i went to sleep with.  a parting gift of the disease, like a heartbreak.  i did not cough much when i was sick and the cough seems to get worse although i can deal with it.

What is space, time the edge of the universe, dark energy, the solution to Zenos paradox; all the things you gave to me.  No multiverse, but instead a universe which gives the exact same result no matter how many times you restart it, i always love you in every one; you always reject me, nm remains empty except in the time of dinosaurs.

Does your psychiatrist get you to forget, hate, ignore or nothing me?  Nothing-ing a person comes from somewhere else, but i wish i had come up with it.  I would not want to forget.

I wasted an hour today, but I got an interview so it is a loss but not a complete one.  No insights or anything like that.  Moreover I think all the talking stirred up my symptoms, although I am not coughing.

My eyes are driving me crazy, the pool seems determined to stay green and I feel a bit of a relapse, more of a cold than a covid, but still infuriating.

I know i have to get a little less personal here.  

Power is out, swam 1600, all Im but at an easy pace, pool green and I needed to run the pump tonight but not without power.  Can do conference call tonight but barely have the power for that although it will likely light up between now and the end of the call.   I hear Power company trucks likely a transformer will be flipped soon. 

Well the power is on, the first meeting of the no accelerator was tonight.  i am not thrilled; but it is not the most terrible thing and my project is in the right box somewhere else, but not as close...to what?

It's run over, its rained.  I am going to leave and get dinner.

9622

 Dating again would be weird.  Everything seems to move too slow in my world.  How would you date if you go to sleep every night at 830?  Are there people who date at 5am?  Perhaps the bigger question is  who.

This week began yesterday, but it is more official today.  There is a fair amount on the calendar, including that program that starts there.  No response on that, but then life and death seems to be the only reason for that, but what is life without you but death?

In terms of sick, and keeping in mind that i have never been so heavily vaccinated against anything, covid was not as bad as some mild colds I have had, not as bad as the vaccines, perhaps.  Now I could relapse, the slight cough is still there, etc; but assuming a straight line healing it was not very much although most of a weeks worth of work was lost.  I only completely did not exercise for a couple of days, maybe just one.  

That i did not work or did minimal work might be attributed to being tired or a general fog associated with being sick or even just needing a break.

It is 630 and i have been up for an hour and i am halfway through a strong cup of coffee.  The big question of the morning is whether to ride the bike to work or drive.  Once I get to work, the focus shifts decidedly to getting the first office action response drafted.  This is a big job i would like to foster onto someone else, but it boils down to me getting it done and then worrying about everyone else doing their part.  I believe today I will be talking about claims anyway.  The 8th is upon me and while I don't think that is a huge issue at this moment in time, if they can be improved, then they should be improved.

I feel pretty good, obviously if i am thinking about riding my bike i don't feel bad.  I spent a huge amount of money the past couple of months; but my real estate seems to be going up and not down in value although that is not liquidity.

I do have a few grants to look at and the government focus grants are in my wheelhouse; but it would really help if i had  the funding to pay someone else to do that work despite the good it did to the overall project to be focused there.  Later this month I will be getting more feedback on that.

Well it is 11:30, finishing the first conf call of the day, others are being put off.  I signed up for the NO thing.  I suppose thinking about staying with you is insane, perhaps that place is taken, but how could I not think we should talk?  I was told i was free yesterday, but i am not sure whether this is true or just a form of manipulation which is too convoluted for me, so of course i turn to what i desperately need and it is not there.

I rode my bike to work and back.  I could feel the covid, but no coughing and the weather cooperated, unseasonably cool.  I have to walk the stupid dog later, but that is a problem for the future as I have a lot to do in the interim and lost a great deal of last week.

I got all my im for the week today plus a few from yesterday.  I am coughing, am i well or sick.  I do not think i am sick, i think my lungs are just messed up.  You dont have to deal with this or me and if i had to chose between my universe which is totally sccrewed up, but it meant you were in the one you want to be without me, then i will take this mathematical disaster; which could have been the music of the spheres.

9.5.22

 i am declaring myself mostly healed.  Still minor coughing, but i was never caughing anything infected looking.  I worked out pretty hard yesterday.  Am i ready to go to the gym?  I think i likely have to test negative to do that.

I am drinking coffee even though it is late in the morning, almost 8.

Passion.

I feel that most of all which is why i feel i am healed, its strength is fully returned and missed. Happy Labor Day Comrade.  I love you, it is the passion talking, it is not real but it is powerful.

Today I look towards the plan in more detail. I only have perhaps 5 years when i can headline this thing.  I do not know how to handle these short time frames.  I feel young, but when exhaustion hits me, it comes on in a way and a time which discloses my age.

 What i could not share with you if only you would let me and i would give up my science to have what we gave up even  though it would mean giving up the life that comes after ours. I have to deal with shot term problems.  This means continuing to look to grants which are at once a distraction and a tool to solve the problems that stand between fusion and the present.  I cannot sit and bemoan the problems that I have faced and fail to note that being forced to look at successively different problems has provided the solutions that I need.

My learning and my lack of success are balanced; but wealth of knowledge is not easily translated.

It is almost 11.  I have swam, brushed and vacuumed the  pool.  The latter something done much more efficiently, but it is uncertain as of now how effective it is; whether the pool  will be blue again or will continue this greenish clarity.  I am tired, my passions more under control.

I went out shopping, the pool is green, a lot of the vacuumed part apparently didn't make it out before i switched to recirculate, an so it will start again tomorrow.  It will be better than it was.

Today has not been one where a lot of work gets done; a little insight but I need to finish things and not think of them right now.  

It's early yet, but I suppose i will post this, if something particularly interesting happens i will come back but it seems likely to be a quiet evening.

9.4.22

 why are you never there when i need you?  Of course even were you there you couldn't be with me.  The positive test means that it may be days or even weeks before I can be safe around other people. How easy it would be to kiss you even now.

It is 9:15.  Just finished swimming a mile, did all the im and a couple of extra; wasn't easy, but it felt good to get out while it was early.

Pool still has that film of green on the bottom, all loose.  I need to get it up today but still waiting for that elusive rain promised for next week.  The swim was a little hard on me; but everything still worked.

My watch is only giving me credit for 745 minutes of sleep and I think it was more.  I have managed to keep pretty balanced workouts despite covid and being sidelined for a couple of days, or at least 1.   I have to wonder if I really have the virus still, but the test did not have a vague strip, it was a pretty definitive positive.  I do feel very good after the swim.  This is good because I am very busy.

Freaky. Feeling run down after lunch. Could go for a nap. Probably going to do some work eventually. Brushed pool to get algae in one place but need that rain to drain to waste. 

Rained a little but it does not look like it will last.  probably have to brush again later.   need another part.  planning on testing again tomorrow, feel better but may still be ill.  found myself in a comfortable chair snoring earlier this afternoon after lunch (greek chicken, hot potato salad, roasted vegetables and humus-sound like something we should be eating together).

I have not weighed in some time, since that 169; not sure if i weight more or lessss at this point in time.  Being isolated i cannot eat as much and i am eating healthier generally although not altogether healthy.

I am by myself quite a bit and normaly i would eat more, but i cannot get to food easily.  Being here alone i find myself working quite a bit but i also find myself reading more.  Next week i have to see whether i can return to work or not.  I can work by myself so maybe the office will open up to me and maybe it wont.

Day 7 since I first tested, day 8 since I first started getting symptoms last Saturday. The 9th day being sick. I assume i am still sick Despite all the activity.  I wonder if the exercise is helping or hurting. If nothing Happens I'll test again tomorrow. 

Why is it that I believe I'd know just what to do if you were here when I'd still be just as lost?

Not sure what to think of this one: https://youtu.be/tXLoP9iSU5Y

9.3.22

 is there some way to go back in time.

I'm exhausted and i need to be careful that it doesn't cause a relapse.

Ok, there was no rocket launch last night, is it supposed to be tonight?

I got 8 hours of sleep (barely at 8.05) which is great and I feel a lot better for it.  It isn't that I feel great, although I don't have any covid symptoms past a mild, occasional cough of the type i might have anyway; but i don't feel sick either.  I feel confident that i could swim, ride the bike, anything else today although this morning at 6am i am not inclined towards doing anything.

I did a fair amount of "movement" yesterday and walked all my steps and climbed all my stairs; still way under the new Mexico targets, but still did plenty.  I think brushing and vacuuming the pool counts as upper body work, look at the pool boy joke, right?  Now given the condition of the pool right now (not really my fault because of winter neglect (well that may be my fault) and what happened when I went to NM which was when the spread got really out of hand but there isn't any reason to consider that for the moment except as something that has to be dealt with as soon as the pool gets too cold to swim in.  Gad!  what a massive project that will be, although not a whole not worse than what I am doing at the office.

Speaking of the pool, the water is clear, but it is greenish which tells me there is probably a layer of algae on the bottom from it settling last night.  not enough water to vacuum it to waste, but it is supposed to rain later so we'll see how that goes.

Well, i vacuumed the pool again, this time to the sand since there was not enough for the waste which means a lot will just go back in, the brushed it and after it rains this afternoon, assuming it cooperates in that regard i will backwash it.

It is very quiet now.  I've spent a fair amount of time working on this whole climate change/fusion thing or fusion/climate change thing; i walked the dog, i ate a large, semi healthy lunch and listened to a cat snoring which was a very peaceful sound, this cat was howling to get out earlier.

I feel fine if a little tired, but tested positive.  I see where positive tests 90 days out are not uncommon.  This is very irritating after having escaped this thing entirely for more than 2 years.

I actually feel a little more sick right now, nothing bad or even limiting, just a slight sore throat the kind of thing that could real or in my mind.  I think probably not.  Only one serious day, I should be thankful if I have a minor infection for a couple of weeks.  I am sure you are happy you do not need to deal with this.

A minor victoryishness on my decision not to lover my price, the most recent comp suggests my current ask is half of what it should be.  Of course, there are apples and oranges, but this strongly suggests lower the price is not warranted, even if raising it may not be brilliant.

I'm going to publish this, it has been a busy day and I cannot do much besides read this evening and another day or two of full sleep and perhaps I will be well.

9222

 5 but I think ultimately my watch will show 8 hours of sleep. Everyone fed, coffee I think the swim helped with the sleep although I can tell the snoring must have been bad.   No symptoms to speak of. 199 intensity minutes so far this week and I'll at least walk the dog today. I'm not feeling proud but I made a pretty fair week with covid in it and can't dressings how much it helped to hear from you. Obviously so far nothing past lemon and honey was needed. 

Of course vaccines. 

It's later.  Been a busy day, did some gross things that would have been grosser if i waited, cleaned and dealt with this thing that does not work.

Saw a ghost earlier, in broad daylight, running after me or perhaps another ghost.  Always strange when those things happen.  They can only be seen in mirrors and the corners of your vision except when they can be seen some other way.

I really need to do the NO program, is mostly remote and it checks out based on the email i sent for where i am today and there is only this weekend to back out, three strikes and you're out, but this would be two.

Sometimes I am not sure how much free will i have even without illusions.

I tried some science on the pool which seemed to work a bit, I'll run the pump tonight but it needs something more, it can't survive indefinitely the black algae in the walls, that involves draining, something I've never done, sanding, waiting, polymerization, painting and filling with water again.  It involves winter and losing the pool which may well happen or not happen and will be after September.

I looked over the inhome test, but i didn't take it tonight, tomorrow will be soon enough.

I don't think a day will make any difference but I'm running out of tests.  I have this one and they are not providing more.

Most times i feel like i'm better, but it is pretty easy to imagine that the virus is all through me and just not causing symptoms.  I think it is just an exhaustion that i feel, something that one very long night of sleep would solve; but apparently i cannot sleep long nights, but maybe tonight will be different.  Just under 7 last night and i thought i had slept too long.

I did a lot today, but i have done very little work directly, instead just doing background work and getting ready for next week.

I had something else to write but it is gone, vanished like the ghost that ran after me.

The rocket launch is between 2 and 3 in the morning now.  i hope it goes well, although i am not sure how this kind of thing matters.  perhaps if we could watch it together we wouldn't anyway.  

i will post this, unfinished as it is, and i will look towards a different future. 

9.1.22

 September at last. I'm not in a hurry so I don't know why it matters. 

Just under 6.5 hours sleep,  this is a little ridiculous although often an hour or two gets added. 

Day 6 after covid. Tired as I was I was a little worried, but I feel fine today. So far.

I need you to talk me out of swimming, but by the time you read this it will be too late.  it is 90 degrees outside but feels cool tome which worries me even though the thermometer says i dont have a fever.

I have closed a loop this week, in theory, in writings, in patent filings, in ways that are hard to believe could still happen and which i have been wishing would happen someway but it actually has.  Not bad for a week i had written about.

Well too late to stop me.  I swam a mile, including a full im workout, go figure.  never really heated up, but i think it may well help me sleep.  no real problems right now with coughing even though it did not fully relieve the pressure in my ears.  

 I have felt pretty good considering everything.  Not 100% sure I am well.  Have taken it pretty easy today after starting to work at 430 and getting all the stuff out I needed to by 9:30, actually a pretty full day.  Had a very pleasant phone call today, got into the NO accelerator (just found out) and I am wondering about that.  I put an application in before i started down the road with fusion and who knows what i was thinking?  Anyway, I am going to put off thinking about that until the weekend.  Today was sort of like a Friday and I have to have another Friday tomorrow and the start working through the math corrections which will be a whole new patent by the time i am finished, but how exciting it is to have fixed the continuity problem and in such an unexpected way, i wonder if that could somehow be extended to life.

It is late a lot has happened and i  am ready to read and see if the swimming will help me to sleep.  The dog has settled next to me already in his chair.  I will end tonight unsettled in the future as much as ever and wondering if the opportunity to find some other place is not within my grasp.