quiet mornings, timing and death

Yesterday an old and dear friend of mine died.  That is not a good way to describe the death of this elderly woman who chained smoked and lived to be 94 years with never a minute of senility going through two health conscious husbands in the process.  I know there was no senility because I had the opportunity to visit with her a week before she died, gratified by the recollection that she was ready for death.  She didn't welcome it, but she knew it was coming and had grown tired of putting off this third wedding from a suitor who would not be put off.
I was close enough to her sons and the timing was right so that I had the opportunity to provide what solace I could, coffee and donuts in this case, and to sit in the room with the corpse that was not yet room temperature.  It was much like looking at a photograph, much of the vibrancy of  this person's life still there, though her eyes which were sharp like a hawks, rather than tender, were closed.
Those whose mothers die in childbirth or shortly thereafter have it the worst.  There is nothing I can say to them.  Those with abusive mothers are not too far behind, although only those who are criminally abusive fall into this category.  I can only provide perspective to those who had parents for a long time or those like me who at a tender age lost their mother.  This is only important for this post because now, for the first time, these two elderly grown men are truly motherless, and in their case orphans.  Other people I know have lost parents, who I also knew, this week.  This week seems to be particularly heavy with death.  But this one, being so close, and observed with such directness of corpse and proximity to the aggrieved stands out; noting, of course, that death is an illusion just as life is, but being illusory it is still death.
This woman, when my mother died, extended every courtesy to me.  I see now that while the opportunity to provide more was there, it was too much work for someone with such a full life and I was not an orphan or destitute in the way that might have called on her higher instincts.  And yet the home cooked meals and the moments when I could watch her being the matriarch of her family with the always present (what's the word for that, ubiquitous) lighted cigarette is fixed in my mind even though several decades separated the last cigarette from her death.
As I said, she had made an uncomfortable peace with death and perhaps that was what brought this to my mind this morning.
I was out when it was still cool, almost uncomfortably so.  Sitting looking at my gilded prison, teh grounds which I feel compelled to keep up as if this justifies my attempts not to escape.  The peace of it in the morning before anyone was awake, the sun only high enough to light the top of the towering magnolia in the next yard, my own yard being so immense that only those tree tops give evidence to the surrounding neighborhood on quiet mornings.  The early morning light was golden, as it is known to be by photographers of still and moving film and even now it is being replaced with a more harsh daylight they try to capture in certain light bulbs but which does not pass through so much atmosphere which cleanses it of the harsher wavelengths of light, like the sand removes particles from the flow of the water in the pool.  The pool only retains the hint of green and by next week perhaps it will be crystal clear, but the clarity of the green somehow seems a more pure color than the blue it is supposed to have.
The quiet of the morning lingers, but I know soon it will give way and the peace will be shattered by the demands of life.

the business of nlc

What business of yours am I?
I am at the end of things
but what are ends to me?
I have figured out the time part
I have found the missing time necessary to compress the universe back to everything happening at once.
What is missing?
To create a circular universe is not significant.
It merely provides a model for something which is too complicated to exist.
The question remains why does the system of information exist.
If I had not figured out the system, there would remain the goal of figuring out the system and it is certain that there are portions of the system which I have not defined or even completely figured to the exclusion of other solutions.
But that being said, the basic system is laid out before me as clearly as if it were written on a piece of paper.  And yet I am not closer to figuring out the background of the system than a man painting on the walls of a cave.
I have found out that there is no true self determination, and yet the illusion compels me to look for what is missing and my inability to solve it, even though it would appear to involve parameters that I cannot possibly observe around me makes me feel disappointment and even inadequacy.
And yet, if I am living tonight without you, how can I hope to determine these things which defy even the illusion of self determination.
I am nothing but a vessel from which information pours forth, we are nothing but a container, receiving what is forced from the environment around us.  Something else forces what we are.  What business are you of mine that you would give me these incomplete visions.  How can they tear us apart, is it possible that they will bring us together, prove that we cannot be together?
For what purpose do I seek the answer to what lies beyond time, what is the fabric of non-linearity where dimension and linearity as we experience do not exist and why would I think any of this is important, why would the underlying non-linear, determinable, unassailable, unchangeable singularity force me to have this information if it doesn't bring me closer to you.

a paralysis of speaking

I want to write to you, but I find myself paralyzed in the way of speech.
There is so much going on, there should be no shortage of things to say, yet I have no words.
I swam 2100 yards, I vacuumed a pool, I gave away two cars and I'm trying to find a third to replace at last one of them. I've traveled the length of the country.
I've solved much of physics and there is something to be said for applying this to the concepts of god and religion which I am uniquely suited for.
I have experienced new love and old love and have experienced them together.
I have determined what is truly important in life and traded it for something that has no value at all for me,
I have seen white paths in the moonlight that lead to magical futures and I have taken them a time or two.
I have loved and hated and been loved and been hated.
But I have nothing that I can say, no words come to me and I hear nothing in return.

Tommorrowland?

At 10:30 at night on the interstate there appears to be no appreciable difference between the traffic here and what you see on the Disney preview...except maybe no one from the past can fix this place.  

For those of you who didn't express a willingness to talk to me on the ridiculously long drive from the past to this place, I have to believe you just didn't care if I made it or not (perhaps hopped I wouldn't).  I was not alone.  The book I mentioned (The Swerve-Greenblatt)  in the earlier post appeared to be better than I thought it would be.

It was filled with pre-renaissance book hunters (Poggio found "on the nature of things" and rescued it from obscurity), de-frocked popes and the car was almost too crowded, you know what I mean, with Titus Lucretius, Cicero, Democritus, Epicurius and Hypatia.  Even though the book promised it was on the renaissance those pesky Greeks would not stay away from me (technically Hypatia was a beautiful, brilliant barbarian scientist, but falls into the same category as a result) and the car felt crowded, at least with my thoughts, rather than empty and it passed quickly, perhaps too quickly.   It was sufficiently filled with minutia so that when I rewrite this post in a more lucid moment, I'll be able to fill it with little tidbits on the origin of words and quotes that make me feel better about what I'm doing even though it makes little sense to me.

Tomorrow land is in the future, but todayland is when we will determine what Tomorrowland looks like and who will be there when we arrive.

Road Trips

I will be driving for 12 hours tomorrow.  The only really great road trips are on motorcycles or in convertibles.  Since I will be driving in neither, the chances of greatness are statistically insignificant.
Like all possibly ok road trips this one has something very bizarre at the end and like all 12 hour road trips on modern roads it will involve great distances.
I swam 3000 yards today since tomorrow will be a time of great sitting.  However, at the end of the road trip I have been proposed a most interesting swim which I will endeavor to savor over the long hours of almost nothing.
Since I cannot expect to contemplate for 12 hours, I have an audio book on the renaissance to keep me company and something a little earthier if that gets too deep.  And at the end of all of this I will not have a car which is a peculiar thing about this possibly ok road trip, but that is more of the beginning of options than the end of transportation.
There will be quite a bit of latitude, but that doesn't translate into freedom.  There is the freedom of the road which is no freedom at all if you have a destination and a time frame.  But I am luckier than many for while this is a long road with a very strange ending, afterwards, my life opens up more than most people who are not dying immediately.
This has been a week of great death among my peers and near death.  One has died, one's parent died.  Another stands to get open heart surgery.  While the funerals are being planned and perhaps carried out, while the surgeries are being prepped and the problems mulled, I will be driving down the road, the scenery changing, the temperatures falling, the future stretching out before me and the past in the rear view window.

what to do with forever

It is really exhausting pretending to be smarter than everyone else.
No one likes a braggart.  Don't get me wrong, I rarely brag about this, although woe unto anyone who asks me about my theory of quantum mechanics.  Oh, how elegantly and at what length I wax.
When I opened my computer, I saw the title, as if someone else had written that even though it was likely me.
I am now come very close to the time when all things must be considered.  That is I have come to the proverbial fork in the road.  In either direction lies forever.  I have, of course, already chosen the road with all of its consequences.  Perhaps there is a nearer death down one or the other, almost certainly they don't go exactly the same distance.
I am uncomfortable, I feel both an excess of sugar, a lethargy from the absence of very hard exercise (thunder has kept the pool closed and the floor exercises reflect my lack of focus), I feel the forces that make up the future beckoning to me in a way they do not beckon to anyone else.
This morning I sat outside looking at the tall trees moving in the wind.  There was so much detail there, the sky beyond them, the stars and all their complexity hidden by the blue light, but I knew they were there, attempting to show a universe too complicated to fit my theories, but fitting there none the less.  I thought I would write then something like this, "I think that I can see the non-linearity in things around me."
But when I opened my computer, that isn't what I saw.  I saw a question, "what to do with forever."
What part of me asked this question and who was I talking to?  I suppose in truth that I cannot see the non-linearity of things, even though I know, only I know, that it is there.
What I ask you, are you planning on doing forever.  What, I ask myself, am I planning on doing.
A clearer picture never spread out before anyone, but it would surprise you what it looks like.  For there are not two choices, one with joy and one with sadness.  They both contain equal parts of each.  It is a question of who offers what in each, and whether I believe the presents which are laid before each one.  Are the real or are they mirages?
Wait for me future, let me sleep in peace one night, so that when I go forward to face you I will have some rest.  And the future mocks me, knowing that whatever night I face, I have faced it already and will face it forever.

NLC The Missing Harmonic

There is not, even in our massive universe, enough information (quantum time) to cause the type of super-dupe black hole: collapsing time CTstate necessary to equal 2^n where n=all the information in the universe.  And yet we know this type of situation exists.  This would, under our nomenclature, be ct(n).
Where is the missing information?  You might think it comes from us, since we do generate massive amounts of information, but that is relatively small compared to the amount of information in one quantum time in the universe.  You might also think the universe is much bigger than what we see, but that is counter intuitive because the universe is measured by the distance traveled according to the big bang (big twang in this case).  We are, however, dealing with Non-linear time, rather the illusion of change in a singularity where everything happens at once, so the answer for the missing harmonic, is thus suggested.
The missing quantum time comes from the past and the future.  There must be non-linearity in some phase of time to allow this type of combination.  The very absence of sufficient information in any one time is the one last piece of evidence which requires that we live in non-linearity.
In fact, only our own arrogance, a misplaced sense of self worth from the 'crown of creation', rejects the  suggestion that the "missing vibration" has been missing at all.  The combinations of time non-linearly, that is the past and present of a quantum bit of time, is equally, if not more, likely a part of the combination-compression process of 2^n, at a fundamental level, than the combinations of separate quantum time manifested as matter and energy and black holes stuff, etc, together in any one quantum moment.
The missing vibration, then, is time, which for us is the ability to view the cosmic thrumming of the cosmic note and then return to the singularity state.  Stranger still, this should allow us to predict, roughly how long the universe will last, because once we know (can estimate) the total mass of the universe, then once we can determine the fundamental units (quanta of space) that make up the universe (knowing these quanta are quantum time) and if these quanta all need to change at once when there is sufficient information to solve the equation 2^n where n=total quanta (that's a really big number for those of you who are counting) one solution to the age problem is a sufficient amount of quantum times (each one containing all quanta of a universe at any one point) and that is the age of the universe at the steady state, at least in one embodiment.
While you scratch your heads, think about the potential utility of this analysis.  While we cannot do anything that we haven't already done in a non-linear universe, we clearly have the ability to manipulate the forces that we have readily at hand.  We can't really slow down time, that is a pre-non-linear concept.  We can only change which coordinates are changing speed the fastest and the conservation of change forces the perspective of time to "appear" to slow down when it's only changing relative to the other common coordinates, otherwise we could go back and forth in time, which NLC clearly indicates is unlikely (unless some future us has done it already).
But what the analysis above indicates is that if gravity is the force of non-linearity, and if each universal quantum of time is complete as a universe, then the reason that we cannot manipulate gravity like the other forces is because it representing a vibration, the missing vibration, in a direction that we do not, as creatures of linearity, experience.  For a non-linear creature (god or single celled equivalent) non-linearity may just be a type of fuel, a step in some non-linear Krebs cycle.
The teaser, an unlikely eventuality that is still worth statistical consideration,  is that if we can manipulate change in our part of the universe, that we are very close to manipulating the "true speed" of time, that we might be able to change the speed in a limited way at which true non-linearity happens at some level.  This could allow us to either (1) slow time, a type of suspended animation; 2) the much more far fetched idea of reverse time and travel backwards in some sort of quantum bubble (presumably one that was back there anyway) or 3) equally far fetched, but more possible, limit the amount of change in a given part of the universe and thereby change gravity (for better or worse).
Thus endith this blog post.