missed life

how can I tell you how much I hate you
for not accepting me the first time
My heart reached out for yours
how can I explain
looking through tear blurred eyes
that I love you enough
not to share your bed
when you pretend to love me
enough to sleep with me
how do I explain to our dead children
why we are not together tonight.
what would make them understand
how much i love them
for embodying what we are together
how do I calm the madness
I suffer when we are apart
the pain together knowing
we are not the one person
i know we were meant to be
 how do I defeat morality
to do what is right
who has to suffer
so that I can trap happiness
that crushed lightning bug
in the illusion of a jar
whose life do I sacrifice
to mend our broken hearts
 how many pages to you
will be enough to bridge
the gulf of missed nights
that separate us from our child
that we cannot comfort
how can I not hate you
for creating a world with you
and without you
for giving me the cancer
that eats me alive
leaving a rotted corpse
a mockery of  who I want to be
foul love that pretends
to be joy all the while
waiting to bury jealous knives
in unsuspecting lovers
and hammers of distance
to break porcelain veneers
where are there words
to express how desperate
it is for me to be apart
from you and the life we missed