Things and people

So heres the thing, i need to get that patent finished, i swam 2500 yards then walked the dog did not even get to eat till 8 so i cant be expected to finsih my thoughts here, but i have to start somewhere
Eventually I will post what is already provided in the books that are published and what will be enhanced with time, the secrets to energy and movement, dimension and life.  The secrets would well remain buried, but you brought them out so to the extent it is demoralizing, even damning,  you are part of the process and if blame were a thing in a predestination universe, you would share it, just as I accept it even though I know on a quantum level these things are not my fault.  ha ha the physics defense to all the things i did wrong.

So I already covered the dream.

I am not doing this because it is the new year, I am doing it because it is a thing to do.
I may or may not give a particular order to things; for now I want to set them out.

I did not end up where I wanted to be.  I am much to selfish to be happy with my lot.
My lot, however is a nice one, I feel that without too much change, I can take care of it within limits, I can keep the yard, service the place where I swim in the summer adn keep the hot tub where I relax when it is cold, and it is not, because of climate change, cold, and after a period when it looked like all of that would be impossible, I cling perhaps too tightly to that ability to just survive.  As opposed to living.  I am sure you know what I mean.
It wont work, by the way, but it is a little scary, going blind for example, its good to be somewhere that i feel safe, walking the dog at 7 in the evening.
I cannot blame anything on the past.   I did spend a lot of time thinking about how easy it would be to be caught in the holocaust which I studied too deeply at too young an age.  I know the impermanence of having lost my family at a young age, at 10 years I was left largely to my own inadequate devices and by the time I was 12 I was largely isolated from anything normal, by 14 I was what I suppose can be described asa a high end street urchin, but that being the case, whatever scars that left are no different than anyone else's scars.  At an older age, as an adult of sorts, I was forced to live suicide, was it only 29 years ago, it seem longer.  I know my inadequacies were a part of that, but I think I did what I could, however wrong it was.  I suppose it was the certainty that I was recreating the past that was more than could be stood by someone who could not bear to see their own life repeated.
I drone on about myself.  it must be hard to deal with. am i boring you to death yet.
I know where I ride to, where I exercise, what I will eat and when.  I know and I am comfortable with the onlypartially urban landscape.  I am like a coyote who lives in a city, the ditches and narrow woods suit me.
I get news I fear I would lose alone and it is important to me.
I am trapped in medicrity and I think I am trying to escape and perhaps I need to have the potential to escape as much as the escape itself, for what is life without hope for something more.
I really want the change, I dont want it to be painful, but I am not afraid of change.  well, youd have to ignore everything i wrote already to  believe that.  I am not terrified of change but if i embrace it it would be nice to have some specific direction.
I also want to owe no one for anything.  It has been a long time since that was the case and I am almost painfully close, but that includes losing this place where I cannot see my neighbors, where I can swim in the summers where I know where to go to work out, even run now, walk, etc.  It is an important thing.
Do I lack for affection.  Is contentment more important than affection? Safety?  As I get older that seems, sadly, easier.  Younger me would do a  lot for physical comfort that older me is not so worried about, just as younger me wanted to live in the woods, older me still wants that but maybe in a house and not a tent and maybe just against a forest and not in it.
And lets talk about love because that is something.  It is not as easy to love when it is hard or when you dont get to experience it first hand or second hand or any hand.  It is easy to understand when love and fighting come together you focus on one or the other premominately.  That makes sense.  It is like certain and uncertain love.  If you dont trust it not to hurt you it is bad.  It is only good when you refuse to worry, when you surrender completely to a person or a thing.
So that all comes from yesterday but when i read over it there is a lot i would leave off or change and i did edit it a little, but raw thoughts are what you give and so that is what you get, i will work more, but after the swimming, the walk, and the day, its all i can do, for now, especially with what i need to do.