4.7.22

 What an eventful and busy day it has been and one more evening without the perfect rest that can only be found next to you. 

It is quite cool out abs I nearly feel asleep even though it is early. 

Another foia response came so late I have not looked at it yet although it admits to being interim. Tomorrow I will unlock it and see what it contains.  I wonder what does it will open or close. 

And response and class relevant to new Mexico came with regularity and details which were so numerous my head is swimming. What I wouldn't give to just leave everything and find you., or more specifically what wouldn't I give. 

4.6.22

 First swim in the outdoor pool today after getting positive news about NM.  Gratifying, things seem to be lining up, time for the next axe to fall, I suppose.

I only got 29 IM for the swim which is probably ok, although at first there was none which was upsetting since getting into that water (72 at the surface) was quite a shock, but totally swimmable.  60 degrees is where it gets dicey, a typical pool is at 80.  Not sure what the temperature was below the surface, but pretty sure the net was above 60.  My body temp was pretty low afterwards which made the hot shower that much better.

https://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-61013740

4.5.22

Today has been As windy rainy as yesterday was pretty. It is a busy week and there remain tough decisions but all in all it has been a good couple of weeks of nothing goes off course. 

The big news all centers on the potential for a move to new Mexico although it may not start on the best location. I should have even more feedback tomorrow but all of the indications are good. 

 I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine, still a bitch.

https://youtu.be/cv-0mmVnxPA

4.4.22

 Happy 4 day (4/4 and 2+2)

That is a stretch, but it is a beautiful day and something should be said for it.

I am torn today.  While I previously had this overcast sense of sadness that clung to everything like a thick fog, it has been replaced with this breathless (as in choking inability to breath) waiting for something to happen.

It is too pretty a day for a fog and too cool for the coming summer oppressive heat.  Indeed, this early in the day, the pool remains below 71 degrees, the minimum swimmable temperature for anything approach comfort.

This guy who is in my back yard at this moment, seems very skeptical of this blog post.  He seems to be saying, "Isn't there somewhere else you're supposed to be?"

The theme of this blog has been in support of Ukraine for some time, but the concept just seems to be strengthened by the events today which leave me frustrated and angry, not just about the russian invasion, but about those african and middle eastern countries that currently suffer the same or worse and which are ignored; in other words, at my same callousness regarding those non-europeans who also deserve flower proceeds.

Well, still nothing to help my breathing, but I suppose it is because you have everything that you need from me now or that you are too smart or that you are so smart that it is something I cannot even think of.

It is late in the day and I have swam 2100 yards (1k im) at a fair clip, although there was someone faster, maybe even fatter than me swimming which sped me up a little.  Luckily, I have my im trick which embarrasses a lot of otherwise superior swimmers who do not have a gimmick.

This week is getting ready to get both interesting and busy...

4/3/22 dusk

 The sun is setting, the church bells tolled 7.  Even the birds seem to be getting quieter.

The pool, though badly stained, is a clear blue to the bottom and probably at a temperature where it could be swam in, although after a 2.5 mile walk and a fairly easy pair of climbs, and cleaning up some things which needed to cleaned and shopping for something things that needed to be bought I am not very interested in swimming and that is something for tomorrow in any event.

I ate too much although nothing I ate had any meat or fatening ingredients.  fat-tening.

I would like to read even though i do not have a very good book right now; but perhaps in a bit.  I have a big week in terms of finding things out and a lot to do.

What I am thinking about is how much the opportunity to reach out makes me want to reach out, every conversation ends and i immediately think of things that "need to be said," why didn't they need to be said before?

I have broached the difficult topics and I know that anything I do will cause a lot of disorder, but there is an acceptance that is out there too, an understanding of the inevitable; but a refusal to embrace it.

It seems likely the potential sale will fall through and while an alternative is already being set up, this dragging things out month after month, though profitable in dollars is costly in time.  It is, however, beautiful here and peaceful this evening, the song birds of the evening of many types, children and dogs in the distance periodically breaking what could be the sounds of our country house.

I wonder if there is not some science that would allow us to do what I so badly hoped for that I was willing to risk everything for it.  I am sure it is possible and while it might not be good for anyone or anything, I still think we should explore that if this reality be pierced by our desire to be together.

4322

 

a nice gesture from fresh market.

Good morning, it is 5 am.  It is surprising how disturbed and restless one call has left me.

I could not sleep, thinking about what lies just beyond this bordered life.

It is cold, perhaps the last cold night in some time, 47 degrees this morning.  It was surprisingly hard to stay in a warm bed because of this awakened discomfort, this desire.

My sleep was haunted by forgotten dreams.  I wake up as much as 10 times a night, another thing on the list of what is wrong with me.  When did the list get too long for you?  Of course, you have your own list, imaginary, in your case, not real and solid like mine.

I bought some of those flowers, even though they were sort of dead, just fyi.  They knew their audience, but if its right and 100 percent of the price goes to Ukraine, I dont care if the flowers are dead or not.  And, of course, I thought about how i could give them to you for quite a while, even on in to this morning, it turns out.

I made my fresh market brand coffee a little stronger and it tastes better, it was that mediocre coffee maybe just not strong enough.  I doubt if it has anything to do with their good work and dead flowers.

I had a good conversation about the science with my CE who is beginning to get past the surface of the science which gives rise to a lot of jokes about neo and morbius, like he has the better role since i am the old guy even though I do not feel old this morning.

FOX 8 Local First: Final Four fans pour into New Orleans; restaurants expect to benefit from the big weekend.

https://www.fox8live.com/2022/04/02/final-four-fans-pour-into-new-orleans-restaurants-expect-benefit-big-weekend/

At least i am not constantly reminded of you.

4222

 A weeks worth of intensity minutes yesterday, 2 rides and a 3 mile walk,  exhausted me. Also a long technical meeting to end the day. Missed the alternate swim day but tomorrow will be soon enough unless I muss it for some reason. So tired and cold but did eliminate an old and troubling headache.  Why so exhausting?

This was the end of 6 rides, 5 walks and 2 swimming 🏊‍♂️ in the past 7 days. That was a lot of exercise all I wanted to do was lay down.   I know what you're thinking,  "no weight lifting" and you are right. there was a little of that in the rock climbing which was in the last 7 days but not enough.   That would have been the 14th thing in 7 days but I took off my watch for it for safety. 

I am having some trouble with this entire level of communication.  What might or might not be intended as simple communications are painful to me.  This morning i understand the reason for this compulsion and i must have said it before.  This is really me saying how i feel about you over and over.

Like you i sat by myself watching dusk come on.  Probably not like you, i wore a faux sheepskin jacket because despite the heat i was cold.  often i attribute this to swimming, but today i have to assume it was tied to exhaustion and nothing else.

This store brand coffee i am drinking is not as good as the other that i had and i have a local product of some unknown quality but allegedly special out of town version with unfortunately unground beans; but this is good enough for today and probably better than what i grew up with in high school.

There was a lot of relief in what was done today, although things had for some time been under control, they have gotten steadily better and this is one of those landmark changes although things may certainly change and get better or worse.  But there is no way to relish these moments without you.  How is it possible that I would rather be under some fatal pressure with you than in this other place which should be sunnier without.  What is wrong with me?

Perhaps I should ask what is wrong with you.  That does not make sense to me either.