5.12.22

 Today started out f-d up, the internet was down, the power company dropped a pole onto the internet line and just left.  Very weird and the pole is heavyand just sitting there.  Would be pretty difficult to move.

There is a lot of deck work to be done to make it safe. Considering this since the deck is nice, but it seems to be rotting a little.

I did an early walk (2.6mi) this morning, the sun comes up in a pretty serious way around 6:15, but I was able to complete the walk below 70 degrees which is nice for this time of year.

I had to do my presentation by pad but felt OK with the outcome. Not great, just ok.  Bookclub problems because of covid, well have to address this later. 

Very disappointed with current situation. Keep telling myself I don't have time to talk anyway and that progress is being made but I am beginning to think I am talking to myself. I'm wasting time here. 

Tired and unjustified and unhappy. Going to shower and sleep.

Id say at least the war seems to be going well but what does a win look like against so desperate and despotic and well armed an enemy?

Even so, 

5/11/22

 Time is absurdly short right now.  I finished the paper edits that absolutely needed to be done (30 additional pages probably need to be added), but now they have to be entered and after that starts the hard drafting work which includes taking the new technology and incorporating it.  It is a nearly impossible job for a large team of scientists, much less for one person.

What do you think of the emotionless, well relatively speaking, blog?  I could tell so much, but I am not sure what to do until the next shoe drops which could happen tomorrow or never.  I am told the chances are "good" yesterday.  What the hell does that mean?  Too close to emotion or hope or whatever is supposed to be missing?

I got 159 intensity minutes yesterday, more than a week's worth by 9.

Where are you?  Is it going to be me then who ends up alone?  It would make sense.

171, a mere pound away from my absolute target weight, that whole thing with the over exercise, controlled eating (you've ruined my appetite), the heat.  I may be getting too personal again.  It is hard not to slip into that.

Is there anything sadder than someone who goes to an exhibit on Archemedes alone?  Perhaps not, but it was a nice trip back to ancient Greece.

Interesting historical perspective

And after that came Archemedes, interesting.

Syracuse?

Archemedes was obsessed with balance.  This shows two separate effect to achieve overlapping spirals is it a coincidence it looks like a heart?

Back to work.

5.10.22

 I edited my post right up till I slept yesterday.

I thought about weighing this morning but is is 5am.  I did get 7 hours of sleep which is enough for me if not my watch.  I rarely use my watch to measure my sleep because i take it off most nights (the monitorig lights flash bright green if it is not tight and tight is not a good idea for me) but interestingly the last few times i have worn it i have gotten no deep sleep.  This worries me.  I have plenty of disturbing dreams, but oddly no deep sleep.  Before this was limited to 20 or 30 minutes a night, never an hour; but none makes me wonder.

I had digestion trouble, mostly from the yogurt i ate after dinner which otherwise was fine and which i dont know that i really wanted looking back on it, a manufactured desert.

the rain has stopped again, the heat has come, although it is cool this morning and i could walk or ride to work today i think.  There are reasons to do neither.  it is dark and quiet outside, although the birds have begun to sing, perhaps because of the lamp on inside.

There is much to do yet even having fed the animals who like being fed this early for whatever reason.

It is 11. I rode my bike and stopped by the overly religious coffee shop for the first time.  The door was locked but they opened it saying "they were praying."  If not for the religious aspect of this, I'd say it was run by two very Christian lesbians; and personally I don't think god would mind if it was, but different people look at these things differently and I really have no reason for that belief other than they were very nice.  Roasted and Grounded (https://www.randgcoffeehouse.com/ from a chapter in the bible). 

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

 Now I have spent a lot of time thinking about how god thinks and I have found comfort in religion even though my beliefs are colored with the crayons of science, so I am not being flippant even though I have reservations.

The coffee was good, but I only took a couple of sips because I had a 1/3 cup of coffee before I left and I really had only wanted to stop because I pass by it every time I ride my bike to my office (coming through the back parking lot) and it is sort of a neighborhood coffee shop and I was not altogether certain they even sold coffee.  I would have liked a cinnamon roll, but I'm pretty fat right now.

5.9.22

 Much of  the potential of last week is being broken up, put off.  It is a reminder that there is much to be done without the resources necessary.  I am p. 51 of 66 which is good, but it means that this modest target for the weekend was not met despite focusing on it.  Of course, there was exercise and sleep and the distractions that go along with a complicated life.

The pool is blue and largely clear this morning.  I only have a few minutes to write today if I am not to fall behind, so i will post this and come back later if time allows.

Pacing:

It is 3:00.  At 11 I looked up and wondered how it could not still be before 9.  I did get several things off of the calendar.  I started the edits to the presentation for thursday and entered perhaps 1/4 of the edits which should allow me to begin to finish the application due now in by 5/22 (impossible task given what it has to cover).

Had an important conference call, the solution I developed for fiberglass is not known at least to the expert that I am working with.  That is a big plus, whether it will last or not.  I have 48 pages to edit if I finish them, although I think I'll have to focus on where the deadlines live and not what I'd like to do if I had the time to dedicate to this.

Got excellent feedback on the presentation, but the work that it entails will take time, a big part of the morning went into that.  I have a couple of emails to return on this which are direct to the goal at hand.

I have to go swim so i can refocus, eyes and concentration both shot otherwise. 

Only 1500 yards, 30 minutes, but it did the trick.

The church bells chimed 7.  I just finished (before second burnout) entering the edits.  I have another days worth of those edits 20 pages left to edit and enter and then it is time to begin to finalize things.

This uncertainty between us is difficult to ignore, although to be honest i have had precious little time to think about it.  The sun is filtering through a cedar tree, the namesake of the street, a sad relic of another time when mirror lake was cold, clean in a wild sort of algae covered bottom way where i learned to swim and never imagined i could live in a house like this one.

I want to explore these feelings in a desperate sort of way, but I have to get the work done because I cut off another  head of the hydra today which means two more to deal with.

5.8.22

I didn't weigh, but I walked and swam 2000 yards.

It's been a full day too much to cover here but there was one thing important enough to share. 

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-61370906

 Another article just for me to think about.

https://www.sciencealert.com/new-eye-drops-can-help-us-continue-to-see-well-as-our-wear-with-age

I hope things improve, but it is important to rise to the moment and the world has a young churchhill for a moment and we should embrace that and rise to the occasion. 

https://youtu.be/CVlEkBHO_hc

5.2.22 through 5-7-22

5.2

Feeling better this morning as expected.  It was strange to have that reaction sunday and my arm is still sore, not as sore.

I have been working for an hour, it is 6am.

I am drinking some coffee i am not impressed with although it is single source ethiopian.  maybe it will taste better after my shower.   The drought continues.

need yearly maintenance on car, dealing with massive expenses this month, but when i look at where i am at i realize is it pretty minor stuff, just a lot of work.

 How crazy do things need to get to match this thing between us, or perhaps the fact this thing is not between us.

https://news.yahoo.com/putin-inching-towards-nukes-threatening-152000734.html

https://taboolanews.com/summary-page/-66682065559719796?utm_source=taboola&utm_medium=taboola_news&dc_data=17703574_samsung-carnival-us-att

Ok, that's crazy enough. 

5.3.22

Today was exhausting, starting at 5 am.  Intenstity rose and fell as the day went on, but the medium was very high. Decisions were made that had to be mad even though the costs were prohibitive.

The inadequate legal filings continued and edits were made where necessary to ongoing filings.  This month will reflect out of pocket expenses two or three times for all the prior months put together and the fact that it can be maintained for now indicates just how well other things have gone, but it will be a trying period of time over the next few months while other events take place.  My long term perspective is fine, the long term validity of the current expenditure, even through october of this year is unlikely.

I walked 3 miles and received no im yesterday, around 30 for a pretty full 2000 yd swim when the pool was up to 77 but it still felt cold although if i could do a comparison i would note that the lowering of body temp was medically significant compared to what happened today. 

I have a few days of less intensity now while I wait for the results of the last few weeks;  but i have tons of work, too much in the next 18 days and it means i will have another inadequate document to file, but it is interesting material.

5.7.22

173.2 yesterday evening, since I weigh a little higher, perhaps this is high, but I think a collection of events might make that more accurate.  Perhaps tomorrow I will update it.

Today I did 2 bikerides (9 miles total); lifted weights; I am tired now.  Before I rode, I topped off the air pressure, 20lbs low which is significant.

It is almost 5, cooler in the shade than the 87 degrees my watch assures me is the case.  When I rode earlier it was cool on he way to the gym, cool enough in the shade at least on the way back, but it seemed much harder when I was doing the ride than my watch indicated.  

Since the last pool update, the temperature is up to 80, maybe a little higher this time of the day.  The water is clear, there is some lingering cloudiness despite a week of high chlorination.  Today should have been a swim day, but I needed the weigth bearing exercise and I willl swim tomorrow to loosen up the muscles that are not used to that intense of a workout as I have been avoiding the gym because of the covid plague.

The birds are noisy this evening, a chacopheny of different sounds.  I thought I saw a flash of yellow earlier, perhaps not. 

I want to talk about you, but perhaps not tonight.  There was some conversation about the limits of personal involvement and while things are in such as state of transition, i am not sure what i am supposed to say; not that such thoughts have limited my expression before.

I need to get back to work even though I am tired and would prefer a nap.  Sleep will come soon enough with the darkness.

5.1.22

May 1, May day.

I got a second booster yesterday.  it was the first one that hurt when i got it (needle size?) and my arm is not as sore this morning.  Storms may interfere with swimming, we need the rain.

My property is cut, i hope that helps it sell, it is 350 per cut but that should lead to a fairly normal looking place.  A surprising number of trees still up.

I did not wake as much as i usually did last night, maybe two or three times the whole night.  At first there were no dreams, then a dream about two people riding motorcycles through some weird mashup of india,, italy and war torn china, strange roads and trails, strange buildings; i cannot remember the purpose or the desination this morning only that i walked into some weird building at the end a cross between a parking garage, a hospital and an office building. Slaves.

The dream that preceded waking up, involved a grocey story trying to buy groceries for this home but with you and someone else, a nice looking tall person who i cannot identify today.  Getting separated as i had to go  back and leaving you with the nicelooking person to check out with the things that were bought and going back to get food items that did not exist, called in from home, a solid garlic ball for grating, small, I'll formed,n rotten bananas, getting to the checkout and you were already gone.

From this I woke up to feeling that something had broken between us; that we were finally separted in a way that did not have a path back to where we were.  All the months and agonies had finally constructed a wall. Why my arm doesnt hurt so bad, perhpas something else hurts worse.