6.6.22 getting personal

 Purgatory. 

https://youtu.be/KgwqQGvYt0g - on school police (john oliver)

The temperature among other things seems right.  I woke at 527 which is a little late for me and sprung up, the dog was willing to get up without snapping at me and we were on the road by just after 530, trying to get a 3 mi walk in before the sun came up.  It was bright despite the earlyhour and off the hill the sun may well have already been peaking about the horizon.

despite walking, showering, coffee and a fast breakfast it is only 715 and i worked hard this weekend so getting in at 8 is not an issue for me this morning, so i am going to drink my coffee and spend a few minutes with the dog.

This shows the sunlight, the yellow and blue, at the top of the trees at the top of the hill near the end of the walk from the slowly waking golf course. 

By the end of the walk it was several hands high and the first signs of life had already started work at the golf course which I had hoped to beat and would have done so if i had started  in that direction.  I managed to stay away, however and the hour long walk for the day is now behind me and only the top huff of the trees nearby are fully lit even though i have already had my shower and bowl of cereal.

The pool is clear despite the black algae embedded at certain points in the sides and even though i did not put in the clarifier yet which i need to tend to this morning once the  pump starts, it is early for that also.  Staying on top of things means minimizing but not eliminating chemicals and the results are gratifying, particularly right now and when i swim and can see the bottom to orient my swims.

I am going to publish this now, before it is finished or edited because there is a small chance that you will see it and though i have not watched it i think that john oliver clip may come up in your day and that is all i think about.

A few words seem precious. They aren't. It's a reality based future I want. Double life is not a life, it's half a life. 

Today I am doing time in a prison I built a long time ago.  I thought it had crumbled years ago but it is strong built on comprises. In the face of the whirlwind I had no idea it could stand up and maybe if I wasn't so old and tired and beaten up things would be different. If I'm going to find a path forward it's going to be in new mexico  I suppose and so far that has with stood my efforts. Why couldn't we have stuck with it?  Would that have made a difference and at what ultimate price.  I have wondered at the deviations we both choose.  I took a lot of punishment and dealt out a lot of pain and in the end it left the prison battered but surprisingly there. Sometimes the walls seem ready to fall but they never do. Breaking out means going back to the desert, alone this time I guess,  scary remote and filled with potential to turn parole into freedom from all the past,  perhaps even the part that means more than life to me. 

POLITICO: Can you take us through the profile of mass shooters that emerged from your research?

Peterson: There’s this really consistent pathway. Early childhood trauma seems to be the foundation, whether violence in the home, sexual assault, parental suicides, extreme bullying. Then you see the build toward hopelessness, despair, isolation, self-loathing, oftentimes rejection from peers. That turns into a really identifiable crisis point where they’re acting differently. Sometimes they have previous suicide attempts.

What’s different from traditional suicide is that the self-hate turns against a group. They start asking themselves, “Whose fault is this?” Is it a racial group or women or a religious group, or is it my classmates? The hate turns outward. There’s also this quest for fame and notoriety.

POLITICO: You’ve written about how mass shootings are always acts of violent suicide. Do people realize this is what’s happening in mass shootings?

Peterson: I don’t think most people realize that these are suicides, in addition to homicides. Mass shooters design these to be their final acts. When you realize this, it completely flips the idea that someone with a gun on the scene is going to deter this. If anything, that’s an incentive for these individuals. They are going in to be killed.

It’s hard to focus on the suicide because these are horrific homicides. But it’s a critical piece because we know so much from the suicide prevention world that can translate here.

6522

 It is almost 6.  Yesterday at this time i was getting ready to walk the dog; but i am moving a little more slowly this morning.  The weight of separation which should be a thing of the distant past weighs upon me as if events only happened yesterday and I do not understand this.  I am looking at NM which means a year has gone by, almost; and yet everything seems fresh today, the supurious wound, still fresh and uninfected, bleeding out, a fatal thing of real and imaginary elements.

It has been a year since right here right now there is no other place i want to be, https://youtu.be/2rlQqWbp7rY

I have the first grant more ready than it was before; but events tore me away from it even as it was entering its final stages of being ready for 3rd party review.  Next week, not with a lot of extra time, i should be ready to file it.

The responses i needed for the unsolicited one are coming now.  That is reassuring, at least to have a response that a response will be coming and timely.

That leaves the question of picking at least one of the several that remain open to put together based on what has been done already; not so much development of yet another new science or application or whatever i am doing.

Almost as soon as those are finished, i will move on to the other programs, geology and biology in this case.  There is this intake quesstion which is perineally put off which makes going to NM more significant in one case and problematic in the other.

July 15. I am  trying to pin things down with that date as a target; but for the moment I am waiting to see if this is even a possibility at the moment.  Even so, there are a dozen roadblocks, the big cases perhaps being the biggest practical one since it should come at a time between other deadlines; staying in that remote location without the limited companionship and protection of the dog being another.  Hiking in the blistering desert without the dog has its own problems which are several and hard to put into words.  And even the concept of doing this may fall apart for several reasons.

Writing things down allows me to forget them for a while.

I will come back to this later.

https://youtu.be/wy8Ge-VnNMI

You could give your thoughts on this lunch,  that's yogurt not sour cream. After a 5 mile bike ride I was hungry and this is what was available.  I  bake a full pack of bacon all at once and then it takes me a month or 2 to use to flavor stuff. 

Everything is quiet and I expect that to last through till tomorrow. I finished the slides so that is in review but I have to finish the second application and pick a third and then it's on to filling yet another provisional and the grants so it's going to be a crazy busy week. 

I'm tired after lunch and I worked through the morning. I still want what I cannot ask for.  Things have gotten very quiet. 

This is my last note for today.   I meditated through the tired part of the day and reorganized the 35 page ni battery spec so it's very close to being fileable,  it could be which would allow me to finish the publication where I found one more change I'd like to make in the book but it's not critical. 

It's still pretty early,  got some good news on getting the info I need for the open topic, so I'm primed for next week.  1) finish the spec document for provisional filing, 2) set up the open topic,  3) pick out the third topic from the list of possible opportunities  and finish as circumstances allow. 

That plus everything else I have to do will fill the week. 

6.4.22

 Only 11 days left.  The book is published, although not for sale.  As early as next week the marketing may be begun; but there is work on the grants for now.

I did not receive responses that i need for the second one, but finishing the first remains the target for this weekend.

It is saturday at 530am, i have been up for around 45 minutes, maybe closer to an hour, hard to remember.

It is already warm outside.  I am hoping to walk in 20 minutes so that i can think about swimming later today.

I would argue that in terms of the current grant it is mostly an editing job.  As far as the book goes, it is just a matter of clicking a button or two to make it available.  The goal is to have the grant finished by Monday morning and to begin at least one more; hopefully have the info to finish the polymer one.  It would be nice to have some additional responses; but we will have to see.

Progress and stepping back seem to go hand in hand with this project.  i have manufacturing lined up for the grant i am working on, i have team targets with universities and people working on those.  I figured out magnetic repulsion.

I have the NM thing lined up on the one hand and cant even really think about it on the other because, after all, whether I am in or out I have to save the world and pursue my project.  This month, in a mere 16 days the process begins in earnest; i suppose it is a good thing that my book is finished!  This was just a personal thing, but now that i look at the dates, it is just in time.

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So between 62022 and 7122 the first decision making will begin which will not end for everyone before September; it could well end for me when nothing is scheduled which would, of course, be a travesty; but there have been no shortage of those.  When you are doing something as weird as this (a photon source of sufficient size sends them in every direction because the universe within the middle section is so evenly wound up from every side from repeated windings and unwindings based of the quantum equation at the source of the denominator of pi solutions and folding of ct1 into ct2 (and beyond) that it appears that it is unwinding evenly, carrying these photons with it, in every direction evenly despite the probability that ultimately it is flattened due to the building and unbuilding of dimensions at the edges) and such as that which brings me and us to this strange point in time which is so monumental, but so irrelevant under the circumstances.

It is now 7:11am and I finished the 2.4 something mile walk.  The sun was already threatening when I started an hour before, so it was in large patches assaulting me on the way back, up the steep hill; but through the beginning and most of the walk, it was fairly cool and certainly better than the 90s that wait in the evening and I have my exercise for the day, although I will likely swim later after dealing with the grant things that remain to be done this weekend.

I will publish this and I will return later, perhaps to edit it.

Since I did a fair amount of yard work and at least minimal cleaning at the office this week...and because I cleaned up a lot of my technical work...

Swam 2000 yrds, not anything to write home about, did the im (2x400; 1x200) no more and was pretty tired at that; but did two days of impact type exercise, weight baring variety although bike riding by itself apparently isn't.  If it rains tomorrow, I could take the day off; not that it will.

I finished the first draft of the short first application part and sent it off for comments, hope to finish the second part.  Publications are teed up for the 15th; lots to do between now and then, still 11 days and no response on what I was hoping to see yesterday.  no response on NM either and i wonder at how different that could be.  Got some numbers, but not enough.

6.3.22 The thick plottens

 short 1500 swim to cool off.  before that sawed off low hanging branches that were affecting parking at the office and at the lot for sale borrowed an axe and cut out off several of the choking vines, these were pretty signficant but not sure how much life there was in all of them.

I did a 2.25 mile walk and between the swim and the walk blew past the minimum im for the week.  I was tired for the yard work before both, but even though the swim was short, i did the im part, albeit in 200s instead of 400s.

Some limited outreach from nm both in terms of housing and in terms of getting work done and maybe even a ray of hope in the publishing area.  we will have to wait and see how that goes.

I woke at 4, but did not get up till  4:30 troubled by thoughts of capacitors which i had to write down for this next grant thereby solving the last problem that needed to addressed.  How to speed up efficiency of the same.

It is 5:15 now, took that long to write everything up.  I probably got enough sleep.  The cats decided to eat in waves this early in the morning so i have been up and down, puttig down and picking up bowls in the hope that all of them will have something to eat and i wonder if it would make a huge difference if they were all fed in a single bowl.  I have become you to some extent, in my case without wanting to be there, the worse person.

I should have some thoughts on NM by the end of the day today; for now i just want to enjoy my coffee and wonder about what is waiting out there.  i had to deal with all the emotive talk of suicide yesterday which is very painful and manipulative; but it is the thing which i let work so it is my fault if it is a problem.  If the change in location helps witht that what does it cost in terms of isolation?  It worked fairly well last time until, well i will not cast blame because we both know there is plenty to go around and mostly from me.

520 and sirens are going off around here, i wonder what is happening.

It is late in the day now.  In the heat i rode to the gym and did the weight workout and back and in so many ways i am exhausted now.  

NM popped up so  fast I have not had time to process it yet.  Publishing went sideways, perhaps for the best; but there is no plan at the moment, only a plan to plan./ The easy route is often the hardest for me.

The sky has light even though the sun is down, there is a curved band of clouds high in the sky that looks too unnatural to exist, but it is there.

Would any of this be easier if things for us had not gone sideways, i wonder.  With the right information, at least i will know what to do next but i have no idea how to think of it this evening and even if i did, i think i am too tired.

Apparently the old need to eat sea squirts, it sounds awful, but then I have no idea what i am talking about and even though it is a little early, i want to go to sleep.  Only around 6 hours last night and i have no reason to believe tonight will be better. It will be a busy weekend and time grows short.

6.2.22

 Last night after the fair swim (nothing great since the cardiovascular near death swims at 6000 feet which irritates me to think about as I write here) there was significant lightening and thunder so it was good that i swam when i did (weather was beautiful with whispy clouds that made the backstroke more interesting); but the evening would have discouraged non-suicidal swimming.

I had a terrible nights sleep.  I attribute it to many factors, the least the desire to get up and write to you, but nevertheless after a fairly long morning it is still dark outside although the air is full of bird sounds.

The news was disturbing, the fall of a devastated city in Ukraine, Incompetence stacked on top of a legislative session which deals with everything but the problem after children were killed in texas, and i am surprisingly disturbed by the depp heard result although i know nothing of the facts except portions of the closing argument and even understand the result.  Why did these things bother me so much, obviously wathcing world war iii unfold is disturbing, that makes sense, in another world perhaps texas would be our children andin a way, while i dont see the whole military weapons thing; i do believe that our government is bad enoughthat we must be armed lest it overstep its boundaries and as i mentioned i know almost nothing, understand and have no stake in the heard thing.  Still, you wanted to know what bothered me so much and i could say i continually woke up thinking about you also and that would not be a lie although it did not seem to be what eventually got me up for good. I was up at least 10 times last night, i am not tired.

The drone war, we get closer to a situation where the people lose their place of preeminece of the battlefield.  An expensive war of technology, the world war c which comes next and which kept me awake before missing what i cared most about, a selfish sleeplessness replacing one motivated by things i dont understand. A war which you can watch in real time on television, one where papers sit in bins unread and unwanted; i was born in the wrong time.

It is early, but I have things to do.

Work.  I am so close to being finished with the edits of the NPTE that I could likely publish it this week.  Not so much with the battery application and I have not even started refining the open topic fiberglass although on both i am waiting for feedback from others and i have to do more design work.  To some extent the book thing boils down to consolidating drawings, there are too many loose ends despite the improving models.

It is getting lighter outside

6.1.22 note for the health files

This because you don't have time to read all the dreck I see. 

https://www.thedailybeast.com/alzheimers-brain-damage-could-be-repaired-with-experimental-bms-984923-oral-drug

https://www.thedailybeast.com/alzheimers-brain-damage-could-be-repaired-with-experimental-bms-984923-oral-drug?source=science&via=rss

Maybe that doesn't mean anything, I think I could probably do it.

I did swim, 2000 yds with a little extra im, but nothing of consequence.  The only thing which varied this was doing three strokes of frog (breast stroke) swimming for every breath which makes the workout a little harder (a lot harder for me) a little longer and a little more realistic in terms of tying a tied off swim to a lap pool swim.

The temp was 82, didn't take long at all to warm up and no real shock even though it felt cold when I first got in  and the sun was out so I think I got plenty of that during the swim even though I don't need it.  I note that in line with what i said in the earlier post that the shallow end was in the shade and I have everything still set up so i could have swam in the shade with limited inconvenience.

I also did some fence repair today which was not complicated but needed to be done.

There is a great amount I would add to this, but I need to get this article out there and tomorrow is another day and not too far off.

6.1.23

 June made it here before the first gulf storm of the hurricane season, albeit not by much, before i made progress with my project that i need, before i heard from NM, and at a uniquely settled and unsettled point in my life.

I still have not seen any of these property sales that need to happen nor have i taken the next and now very important step in the virtualization of my office.  There are a slew of what i would call minor financial deadlines in October and the book I need to publish with its raft of corrections, fixing the sharing view of these 5 unit items which i need to consider in light of the newest drawings.

It is 6am, up for 30 minutes and dawn is well advanced, the pool is clear but with a certain darkness which speaks to either the chlorine level or the ever patient algae that now has taken over a significant patch (5-10%) of the wall.  250.00 worth of paint and i can fix this problem myself at least for some period of time, probably need to stick with white which means some sanding and some plaster repair which i need to study up on before i take it on and that is a winter project even though the current situation requires constant vigilance because it is a two or 3 week fix at least and i am swimming regularly to maintain my mental health.  I tell myself, if i sell the house first, it becomes someone else s problem and i wait.

My "iclwy" scale has dropped considerably despite what you might think.   This may be attributed to many things, exhaustion coupled with old age, an increasingly cynical view of the universe tied to my math (i would not want anyone to have to see the universe as clearly as I do, it takes so much of the fun out of it), and the ravages of time both to us and to me.  It hovered forever between 7 and 10, although numerically impossible it was certainly above 10 when i was getting the initial science down and my world was collapsing around me which it ultimately did not, although i guess it did in its own way.  Now the c changes sometimes getting close to changing from the negative to the positive moving between 6 and 8, i suppose, a simmering regret; instead of a constant pain, an intermittent pain.

I will come back to this, i want to drink my coffee and check on what promises to be a long and trying day.

Yesterday was a low exercise day.  I was ready to swim but the weather turned even as the pool temperature rose to an almost too comfortable 82 degrees; this is the evening thunderstorm problem which accompanies summer along with the pool temperature problem which required i provide an alternative tie in location on the opposite side of the pool which gets shade at a different time.  I did walk 1.5 miles so the dog did not suffer, but I don't feel like I kept up with things like I need to.

Time passes.