9.14.22

It's early afternoon. Taking a late lunch break,  surprised it is already after 1.

used leftovers to major a Mexican Fiesta to celebrate the new mexico anniversaries that keep showing up on my phone. The weather continues to be excellent. 

The weather has been perfect here, go figure. 

There is the picture looking down the road from a year ago today.  I think my friends were still there then.  Interesting how much has resulted from that trip and how much did not happen.  I cannot help but want to go back under different circumstances and whether I am close or not remains to be seen.  I should have spent this summer there, but events intervened and then covid.  Now it is too late.

I walked 2.5 miles and did a 1600 yard swim with all of the im.  The weather was beautiful and even though the swim started cool, even it turned out well, the water temp still holding at 80.

After the big lunch, not very hungry but I need some dinner, so I'm going to look into that, I'm in this NO thing which I'm guessing is a waste of time and money right now, although if it opens the avenue to the power company it may not be so its an educated risk.

I'll know more tomorrow, even though it may not be better tomorrow.

This weekend will be complex and unpleasant.

9.13.22

 Yesterday at work it was finally dry enough for the long put off repairs in back. Still much more to do back there but the easier stuff is done. 

I'm calling this supportive of Ukraine.

Food Pic

Every bit as delicious as it looks with lots of hidden stuff 

I don't want to admit we can't do this even if you've walked away forever and even if it is grossly impractical for me, there has to be some reason to save the planet. 

It is good to see some drought relief from a hurricane in the west.  I see hurricanes headed this way and long to share that with you as with everything else.

I handed off the two responses for the moment giving me a day or two to breath, not necessarily because i will get any help, but because the first drafts are finished and it is three weeks or four till the next deadline that i can meet almost with what i have.

I coughed through a 2000 yard swim.  The weather was delightful, cool even though the pool has hung onto 80 degrees.  It was hard swimming.

This afternoon was filled with online meetings which all i had to do was listen to so it was boring and gave me time to do some things which distracted me more than helped me.  It numbs my brain even more than the swimming.

cough cough, tired of this.  I have something i need to share with you but i cannot which is aggravating, but we will see what comes of it.

9.12.22

 From yesterday plus a year

Pretty sick of this post covid exhaustion thing assuming that I'm not just tired.  

Had a good morning of work, then just about died.  But I couldn't work so i walked, was hot and very hard and the hernia was an issue (didn't stop to do the yoga to help till i got back) and that hot difficult walk brought me back to life.  I've been working since, but I had to take a minute for this.

It was a temptation to call, but what could I say right now?  I have a lot, but my focus is on the future and not the past and until the future becomes the present, I am a liability.  To both of us.  It could certainly be different, but I cannot go that far back, I can only back a year and a year ago the present was closer than it is now.  Indeed I feel like it was very close indeed and at price which was steep, but perhaps not as steep as the price was before and less than it would be today.  But it would have been easier to pay it with some promise of a future.

I would rather be saving elephants and rhinos from extinction or just sitting with you and waiting for the sunset in some pretty spot, but my life has not been mine for many years.  It seems to grow less so as I get older.

I long for the desert and the freedom that went with it.

91122

 911  it is also day 200 of the ukraine-russia war.

For the moment we can argue that ukraine is cleaning up, although there is plenty of reason not be complacent.

You will never know how badly I miss you.  I am, however, certainly too old for what i am doing, rewriting physics, building fusion power generators, trying to deal with the inconsistencies in the modeling.

Pretty sick in terms of having a nagging cough and swollen glands and getting tired and strange tastes like leukemia after 2 weeks,  I may be too old to ask someone else to get used to my getting up 10 times a night and more during the day.    In the morning it seems to be gone, so it seems to be tied to being tired, needing sleep, and i have stayed active.

That being said, I swam 2000 yards today with all of the im and enjoyed it more than it was a problem.

Next week is coming on quickly.

What titanic shift occurred that made the desire, maybe even the need, to share everything to this introspective look at the world and what would be required to get back to it.

I am not sure i could call it a betrayal even if i were to stretch those terms to the limits unless i was the one who betrayed things.  But is it some perceived slight or something that originates in me?  I did take some real chances and embarked on something emotionally which limits my ability to be happy in my current situation, although I doubt i  could be happy in it anyway.

i came up with a mobile version of the tunica thing; although I would call it a one in a million shot although i do have more contacts here.  

While I feel good about the science and while the fractal modeeling gets stronger in some places the whole transition between fpix and fibonacci has become so clouded it is hard to imagine and this raises questions in connection with the overlapping spiral model and potential modifications to that which also raises issues as to how dimensional states build and i aggravtes me that i am still doing this by myself.

I know that it looks like a one way conversation, am i talking to your or myself?  I am not sure.

Why here, why now?  Maybe this is why and maybe neither of us says enough or maybe I say too much and you have nothing to say that hasn't already been said.

John Mayer - Say (Official HD Video) - YouTube

Despite the strength of my work I cannot be certain that anything will happen and certainly not the next week or next month type progress which would create the reality that I would like to force on you; but unlike you i have no choice but to continue the way i am going and hope for the best. 

tomorrow is monday, i am not ready for it, but it doesnt care.  I am sure i will write more, but today is a difficult day in many ways and i would share what comfort comes from knowing how deeply i am committed to the past and how much i want to commit to the future despite there being no reason to be optimistic.

91022

 The great thing about "defending the model" is that it is a learning exercise.  The first part is a close in examination of fpix and the Fibonacci series which questions the very existence of one or the other, although fpix is a no brainer.  I wish I could get more info on the accuracy of this originating with me.  That just seems impossible.

I've asked a couple of people about that, no response.  Very irritating.  Of course with google I could find it myself in probably 5 minutes.

The pool is better, but still greenish, partially my fault, although I am not 100% sure what I'm supposed to do here other than drain and sand and patch and paint it.

I am not getting support from anyone, not even you, but then who should support me?  But getting back to the point, is it possible that fpix originates with me and how can that be possible.  Then the next question is does the Fibonacci series come into this or is it a red herring and if it does when and if it doesn't how do we deal with pesky math problems that come up in its place.

A homework assignment is to recheck fundamental forces and their strengths and origins against the two versions of the model.  My initial calculations confuse the numbers somewhat, one works while the other does in some other places and while the two are not mutually exclusive it would be better for my arguments if one fit perfectly.  I have run into some theoretical problems and solutions here, the solutions primarily coming in the form of fpix dominating at least in places over Fibonacci.  And if Fibonacci drops then where does that leave things?

Getting back to the original point, the response is the opportunity to look at these things closely.  It is a multi-screen undertaking because so many different aspects need to be reconciled.

A year ago I was on this roof helping to fix the air conditioner.  It could have been fun.  It could have been tragic but I wish it had been something and I wish we were there today.

It is hard to believe that I have not yet gotten to the memories where I had to initially start posting support for Ukraine.

I am heartened by what I see but also very worried because of all the potential problems that await the world due to this idiotic war brought on by one of the most selfish and wealthy people in the world who for whatever successes he has is also one of the most dangerous and idiotic himself.  I keep hoping that democracy and logic will break out, but no signs of it yet.

Need to get off of that.  I am tired even though it is early and I have more that I want to do today.  I wonder if I should fill the hot tub up or wait longer.  There are some cold evenings coming up.

9922

 77

cough cough

when the sun finally comes up i will be able to see if it rained and if the flocking worked, i am guesing at least some of both.

non productive cough that did not keep me up at night.  irritating.

I would say it has very little to do with being sick at this point in time.

I hurt my back between my shoulder blades, it is a minor thing, like the cough.  i wish i had someone to give me a backrub.

it is too dark for you cats to go out, i am afraid, you will just need to complain.  Winter is coming and soon the pool will be too cold to swim in and i will be going back to the gym.  I am not looking forward to it, but it is inevitable.  Things are happening around me, none of them what i want.

The deadline which was largely optional came and went yesterday.  

One more missed opportunity; but it tells me what i am up against.

I am busy, dealing with this list: cash, grants, designs, responses, new patents, meetings, law.  I ma have the answer to the doomsday glacier and no one is listening.  It is ironic and laughable; why am i frustrated and crying.

I have some meetings coming up that i dont have dates and times for.

My capabilities and requirements are going up too fast for me to keep up and i am not sure what i am supposed to do about it and i doubt if any of the programs will provide me answers unless it is in the for of a grant and for whatever reason i am being denied that without a logical reason, i am being cursed with emotional responses to a logical problem.  I am trying to save the world with something you can prove with a hand held calculator and everyone is fighting me and no one is seeing me.

I have some resources, but not enough and i am waiting for responses and the opportunity to do more work for nothing.  Fortunately, i have some help in this now, not enough and not in time ore reliable but i have it.  I have deadlines that i am dealing with and i have time to deal with it; but i need to increase the resources i have sooner rather than later.

Ok, all of that was before the text.

What do I write here now?  I am working through some stuff, i do not have a particular answer all I can say is that the right things have been said, not for the first time, but with what I would call less emotion and more consistency; but it means nothing so i have to deal with the reality before I deal with the texts of the world.

None of that means anything and even if things go the way that I suspect they will; i can't say what difference it will make to either of us.  It reminds me a little of the king of england.  He didn't marry the woman he loved, but he was lucky enough to end up with her despite the absurdity of the entire royal family thing.

What does any of that have to do with the price of tea in china and what is the price of tea in china, anyway?  I could go for some tea right now, I have some decaf so there is that.

I can't post a picture of dinner, i flocked and vacuumed the pool and during the vacuum process I made a boxed dinner although I had a rather healthy, fresh and delicious salad with it, the overall dinner was photogenic.  The pool looks much better, but without draining and sanding it, that black algae from when i was out of town, oddly enough something which happened 12 months to the day from today, will prevent the pool from returning to its previously green state.  Winter is coming so that will likely happen soon enough.

I wish i could offer more than that, but again, if NM wasn't an option, i am unsure whether whatever happens in the future will be any better.

9822

 The queen of England died today along with a lot of other people. It is a big deal.  record heat in California with rolling blackouts but it was 69 degrees when i woke up here this morning.  Walked dog to work to celebrate. 

slept well for the first time since getting sick, although i was gasping when i woke up early in the night and i am coughing a little now.

(Removed and added to response)

And so an important claim is written out in a blog post in a particular way the first time.

I finished the first draft of the first part of the response. The need for funding looms large but I know where I'm going. 

Pool needs flocking I fear..  That process is begun, but it is temporary until it is sanded and painted.  Much to do there.  Too tired to think about it for now.  It is supposed to rain which will allow me to use rainwater and not city water to deal with vacuuming it.  I am ready for all of that, it will be a busy day tomorrow.  A time is set for two hours of circulation but i am a little short of flock so we will have to hope it works.

I know what you are thinking, what kind of pool boy am I anyway?

It's been a long day, bought 150 dollars worth of groceries, it cost 250.  Must be very hard for people, i listened to a news story on soaring prices.  Gas, at least for the moment, is down to 3.00 a gallon at the discount places.  I finally got the battery for the fob I needed, glad to have that out of the way.

I am going to post this as I have done a lot and have a lot to do including some math.

My stomach hurts like something worse than just being sick but my appetite is good enough and it might be the strong cough drops or even the covid. 

What do you like better, the dry factual posts or where I share my feelings which all to often are about you.  Or perhaps they're always about you.