April fools day almost

 There is no avoidance as ships and ice bergs, only opportunism, not want to miss an opportunity as the wheel turns.  What I mean is that while I am answering I am less direct than I'd like a I spend a bit more time waiting for something in particular to happen and to think about the nature of the desired response, what is fair and what is desirable. 

You think that I don't ever get reminded of you, but I get emails almost every week and i'm just this side of paranoia so that I don't think this incredibly complex series of notices are not just to prevent me from ever forgetting you, as if I could, for any length of time.

I tell you I love you

you tell me you're moody

that's a difference between us

are we both being honest, I wonder?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQiOA7euaYA

33122

 The last day of march came in with a bang. I am very low. My science is moving much too slowly. I have no direction on my personal life. My property sales languish and also seem to be moving impossibly fast. 

My foia request is unanswered and late; not sure what that means. I have no serious prospects for work, not because there are not things that I could do, large things, but because I made my decision to pursue the science. I have a short and long program to finish. I want to pursue my charity and the life I left behind of a writer in a tragic love affair. The writer part, I do not want to go back to the tragedy I was living that took so much from me and gave me so much back that I am not sure it did not make me into a different person.

I'm in a trap.

If you wonder about this, so do I.  I am worried that I am one of those rats hitting the lever because every once in a while a food pellet or cocaine is delivered.  I am not one of those crown of creation people who can look over the world today and admire what a wonderful creation is man.  I cannot even look at great artwork and see evidence of some grand underlying majesty because I am insane and I think I have done something unique and it is empty for me and reeks of coincidence.

I am in a trap, no different than the rat, except I think I can change everything.  What are you going to do if you find me banging on your door in the middle of the night, yelling your name like crazed person that I am, unable to control my emotions, a creature of logic and impulse trapped in some whirlwind of magic between eons of dead rock?  Would you call the police, try to talk me down or just watch with relief and contempt.

I woke last night to the sound of thunder, flashes of light and what I thought about was you, my existence within a chrysalis of memories and desire.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mRFWQoXq4c

Does AI Dream of electric ships

 That came from a shipping magazine, I wish I'd thought of it.

It is Wednesday morning, storms are coming late today, they will not affect what I do although it is hard to think of swimming.  I debated not getting out of bed this morning, but I can't sleep in; my inner ear problems make that impossible.  Not to mention all the work I have to do.

There is a dog at the office next door to mine that is periodically going crazy. Wonder what that is about.

I'm watching the weather come in.  The timing thing means that I had one swim in the last 7 days s I probably should and the weather warnings don't hit mobile till this evening.  it would be nice if I could do my swim instead of the conference call which is not very important at 11, unlikely to happen.

Ok, more crawling advances, swam 1650, a minimalist workout, but did all 1000 im at a good clip, was better oddly enough.

Not sure why I'm swimming, that is what i was thinking about when I was dragging myself to the pool.  Used to be I wanted to look as good as possible when you saw me with my clothes off.  Now?  I have no idea.  I guess I can stop anytime I want, although I am considerably calmed down.

I could be exploring grants right now, there are several options there, I could be filling out an application form for Leep or editing or looking over references I've been given and on and on.  I could even be developing new applications; but not just yet.

Instead I am watching the wind blow outside, rehydrating and waiting for the seminar in 50 minutes, too soon to walk the dog too late to...well too late for swimming to do any good, it seems to be too late for everything.

329ish22

 It is 7pm on the 28th.  I'm going to start this post for tomorrow.

Radio silence, although I did follow up on the foia thing this evening. Tomorrow or the next day I need to begin on phase 2 with the overly silent labs, the ax program and the sheets of paper for ipac.  It is a lot to do.  I have finished the other things which needed to be done other than paying.  This list is far from inclusive, it runs on for page after page.

I swam today, the full 2000 despite feeling terrible, the opposite of what i expected after 4 days off, neither wanting to go or having energy or extreme flexibility.  The only good thing is that it is done and even after 4 days, I show 2 swims of over 2k each over the last 7 days also 5 walks and a run, but no rides, perhaps that will be the path to the office tomorrow.  I'm too tired to think about it now.

I had a bowl of cereal for dinner, but I'm still hungry, so I will return to this later.

Now its the 29th.  I guess i've turned into one of those people who write what they do for exercise every day, but i rode my bike in pretty substantial fog to the office today which is minimal exercise, but was challenging nonetheless.  I have noting else planned for the day, I have more than you can imagine to do anyway.  

It is complex then quiet than complex again.  I've done more than my share of reaching out this week, so from here on out it is more about forms for the rest of the week, plenty of that.  I would like to be a soldier of fortune going forward, but there is much to do to make that happen and perhaps in a less romantic sense i already am.  I addressed a letter to china today, a step in that direction.

Tuesday and I have my intensity minutes in, but the bike ride both ways is really only a short one way ride, but it looks better when it is cut in half.

Had an exceptional Mediterranean turkey wrap type thing for lunch.  Spent some time watching the pool robot do its thing and filled out paperwork that did not make any sense and checked to see if that offer would materialize that would change the way i am living my life.  worked on the deck some, the weather was perfect.

the birds have been noisy, a military jet did some touch and goes. it is peaceful and things are happening all by themselves, but there is so frigging much to do it is hard to think about any one thing.

The day is waning quickly, it is time to do whatever it is when I am not working.

32822

 This month is almost behind me.  While everything is in place, the next round of deadlines, albeit ones which require little work from me, looms in  just a couple of days.  Whether to pursue anything next remains to be determined.

I am in the sun, partially, for the first time today, it seems like the first time in days I am warming up. The plan is to swim later today, more work to do first, despite a frantic and largely productive morning.

I took a step closer to selling this house, whether that leads to anything in the future remains to be seen.  If it happens, it will happen very quickly, 

Lunch was good, but i snacked afterwards, nothing unhealthy, just so much bulk when i have too much of a gut anyway.  I seem to be losing that battle right now.

In terms of acceptance, I have to wonder where I am at.  I suppose I feel pretty good about it right now, although I am sitting with birds singing and sunshine and the true heat of summer seems far off although it is really around the corner, the house is probably going to sell what with the crazy market and all and there is at least a possibility if not a probability of traveling somewhere to pursue my physics with whatever fresh start that includes.  Maybe I will start another blog, who knows?  It has been so long and so much stress and so much is behind me and so much should be taken care of next month.  Am I forgetting what i cared so much about and why I cared or am i just exhausted?

32722

 I have been up for hours, it is almost 9, and yet i still have not finished my coffee.  i have been running around all morning doing little odd jobs and my legs are tired.  I rock climbed yesterday for the first time in a long while, otherwise, i have largely taken time off although i certainly have gotten my steps in walking the neighborhood.  I will say even though i only did two climbs, they were both challenging to me and I feel like i used muscles long dormant.  I would like to add it to my exercise routine although as I recall before covid the hours were too sporadic to plan for, although self belaying walls means that the need to coordinate is limited, replaced with the need to trust a machine not to drop you to your death or worse.

I am tired today as I am every day I do not wake up with you which is, after all, every day.

One of my science associates shared an article saying information was the 4th state of matter, of course, when you identify the form and function of such a thing it is frustrating and a little insulting to see others claim some wonderful insight.  I always knew someone would come along and take credit, although my proofs of priority run deep given the patents filed.

It is strange how little of the expected information came on Friday.  It makes for more work and expectations for tomorrow which was already a full day.  I will probably take the one more day off from swimming and add that to the busy monday, although I have to give that some thought.

32622

the house thing came, i have not looked at it but i know what it says and how to reply to some extent.  Nothing is simple, nothing is complicated comparatively speaking.  I am not sure where my science stands, it is too complex a question, too much is being developed too much is being sidelined.

the other news, that would state where things standtosome extent  did not come.  i do not see that as a negative, although I can imagine why it might be.  perhaps it is what i sent which was complicated but not of uncertain value.

i dreamed about being with someone who was not either of you and who was strange and perhaps some sort of composite person.  passion in my dreams, but not in my reality.

maybe that is what is held for me.  the house thing that i need to do for reasons that have nothing to do with anyone else and then perhaps the rest of my property will finally sell or perhaps it will not but those type of problems are almost behind me, rear view mirror issues and questions about where my mail needs to go and why.  I have started that process but i have a long way to go.

So nothing from nm, nothing from fema despite deadlines yesterday and the house thing is more likely than ever to happen.  The end of my personal liability, i am not as free as a bird, i still have many things to deal with, but they begin to approach a place where i can deal with them except for you, how do i deal with you?

I looked at the mail thing, i will have to look deeper.  issues of where to do car tags and the like, they are things to deal with.  all the stuff of life, where does that go?  What to do with computers and desks and chairs.  I suppose I could build a storage center on my property, kill two birds instead of one.  I wonder what percentage of things could be arranged?

I just know i would not want to have to deal with it on a day to day basis.  I suppose it is silly to think about something like this, better to sell it and be done with it even though with inflation selling all this property makes no sense.  now if you were there...

some things are not worth thinking about.  I must be planning this around a move which is what is really weird, that i do not even know whether that is to a specific place which can ruled out or in.  I wonder about using  my office as a storage unit. A few additional safeguards and it would exist as one and if things were crammed into it, it would work and in the end there is not so much to deal with, more of a question of what can be written off as a donation or be part of a fire sale over time even from the office or where it sits.  are there not web sites for this.

What are used kayaks worth?  perhaps with the internet there is a market for that stuff.  And the total amount receivd...it would probably make more sense to get a value on it and donate it to charity.  If the car market made sense so would that.  I have some calendaring to do, some planning if things do not go well on the tech front and of course there is the problem with the progress being made locally.  Well, it will take some time to clean that up, but relatively speaking a lot will change no matter what soon and i need to figure out how to fit within that change.

and does any of that matter, or is the only thing that matters you?