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 The last day of march came in with a bang. I am very low. My science is moving much too slowly. I have no direction on my personal life. My property sales languish and also seem to be moving impossibly fast. 

My foia request is unanswered and late; not sure what that means. I have no serious prospects for work, not because there are not things that I could do, large things, but because I made my decision to pursue the science. I have a short and long program to finish. I want to pursue my charity and the life I left behind of a writer in a tragic love affair. The writer part, I do not want to go back to the tragedy I was living that took so much from me and gave me so much back that I am not sure it did not make me into a different person.

I'm in a trap.

If you wonder about this, so do I.  I am worried that I am one of those rats hitting the lever because every once in a while a food pellet or cocaine is delivered.  I am not one of those crown of creation people who can look over the world today and admire what a wonderful creation is man.  I cannot even look at great artwork and see evidence of some grand underlying majesty because I am insane and I think I have done something unique and it is empty for me and reeks of coincidence.

I am in a trap, no different than the rat, except I think I can change everything.  What are you going to do if you find me banging on your door in the middle of the night, yelling your name like crazed person that I am, unable to control my emotions, a creature of logic and impulse trapped in some whirlwind of magic between eons of dead rock?  Would you call the police, try to talk me down or just watch with relief and contempt.

I woke last night to the sound of thunder, flashes of light and what I thought about was you, my existence within a chrysalis of memories and desire.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mRFWQoXq4c