So april ended with the bang of an exploding transformer and the power was out 6 hours, coming on at 4 with only a lamp, although i was up.
The timing was fortuitous, the meal eaten, the kitchen cleaned, it being near time to go to sleep.
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the mother of all nightmarish dreams. no pants, a resort setting, why i was there something of a mystery. i did sleep with no pant last night, Early in a dream which went on quite a while before and after, i climbed into and then was getting stuck in a boat floating high in the air way above any reasonable height wwhere even floating boats would be (it fdrifted out of a holding pond which was likethe top of a cartoon volcanoe, and waiting for it to drift back to where i could climb off without falling a few miles, it drifted even farther from the edge to where it was floating. why i climbd ito it ill likely never know, then this whole group of people who semed to be your family came and i left, still with no pants, to find some, there were an unusually large number of children; i went out of a small door into some great outdoors, getting locked outside in a china town with lots of stores but not the drug store where i at least hoped to buy underwear with still no pants and a dragon parade going by, still looking for a drug store because all these people had shown up when i was in the bathtub, your family i think, and of course even if id found a drug store in this china town complete with clothes lines running between buildings, no pants and therefore no wallet, Then going back inside oddly i had my phone but couldnt get out of a program to take pictures, so i had to tell everyone about the parade saying i would join the children who were already leaving as soon as i found my walllet only to wake at last after finding my wallet had been emptied, why not steal the whole thing?
Anyway, no thoughts of going to sleep after that. Breathing last night was a big problem. I had my breathing machine and had used it, noisy and laregely ineffective, sometimes i think my mouth opens and the air just blows through my nose to the outside without any making it to my lungs. Small wonder i fall asleep and waking up at 430 am with no chance of going back to sleep does not help anything.
It is almost 8pm, a transformer blew so there is no power and I can appreciate the dusk.
I've sacrificed for you, quite a bit and just now or was it for me or was it for naught? I miss you much more than the power, without you it is like there is no night.
5 am awake everyone fed, one insane animal crying.
I fell asleep early, so i had almost 9 hours of sleep, perhaps 8 with all the waking up
did my exercises, but i am still having flash backs of being in the high plains desert
the dog was up early too, perhaps that is why. he eyes me suspiciously, perhaps he is having flashbacks too.
my libido was very high yesterday, even that little interaction awakening something inside of me, beter hidden; but after swimming, the temperature warmer, between 72 and 74 i was tired. This morning the simmiring passion is back.
I feel like i should skip exercising and take a recovery day, but it would also be a good day, being up so early, to ride to work, cool, there cant be too many of these days left. No decision yet, it is dark outside. I have lights, but it is a dangerous ride even in the daylight both in terms of cars that might not see the lights or which might stop working and the uneven terrain.
I still have not gotten very far in the work that is time sensitive although after coming up with a good ending in the swim i finished the short paper; easier to write than to edit i suppose. It is wrong to say i have not gotten very far, i am dangerously behind in the schedule and there is much to add.
It was supposed to be a slash and burn job but it has not been. My budget is a mess and there is a lot to do yet.
It is cool here, there is a slight snow in vermont which is not sticking to the ground. A werid global warming thing as ice caps melt. That too is the nature of my work to some extent. I have that as an issue that i can at least potentially address, i am alone in that, it is too unfair to comprehend. When will i get time to rest, together.
It is still early, the crazy animal has gotten quiet, the dog has curled up and gone back to sleep, in the far east the sun will be up soon, there is no rest for me.
It is a bad time to be digging up goddesses of war.
Our did this one want to be found?
i am not aging well. This is your chance to be thankful for what you don't have to deal with. The most immediate problem is still my eyes, they do little more than provide a glimpse at what they once were.
my shoulders only still hold onto the look of a swimmer, maybe my neck and the legs are not gone yet, but my head and my torso show the ravages of age
My prostate at a minimum is messed up, getting me up thru the night.
I'm not some great treat. I'm the trick, an old mess that is trouble to deal with not the answer to your dreams even if I hoped I could be.
I am, however, motivated by passion still and despite everything, the fights, the lack of any real relationship and, of course...
the selfish lover, part 3.
let me put this to you
that i sacrificed my well being for you too
i have never used you more than you used me
it is not enough for you no matter what i do
solve the space time continuum/?
shouldn't that be enough for anyone
ho hum you say, of course you did that for me
what little trinkets you offer in exchange for my erratic love, you say
you come and go at will
comfortable that the spell you cast cannot be broken
oh you are the injured one in this
i am the bad guy
because i fell in love with you and told you first
when it could have been simple
and now that it is more complex somehow you are innocent
because after everyone else we had something special
even for you
although i doubt that, i am just one in a line
the only thing i bring to the table is a greater illusion
and i write bad poetry
oh, it is such a trial that i have to have you write poetry to my beauty and mental perfection
really, cannot someone love someone else without it being a burden
especially if nothing is asked in return, only hoped for
I wonder if I can't protect you or Ysidro you away what Good am i to anyone
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It is evening in rome, there is heat and rain in the world
It is6 am.
I woke up discomforted by th feeling that I should be able to sleep in peace without hearing from you.
what right do ihave to hear from you
it should be enough that i know you are well,that i can express my feelings
except i cannot because i cannot trust my feelings
oh, i love you, there is no question about that
the memory of you? at least right now?
how can i trust my feelings when i am so unrequited
I cannot trust my feelings anymore than i can trust the future.
real love requires time together time to become disappointed
there is much in the world i take for granted
i never took for granted that i would hear your voice
i dont take for granted that i will see you again
so it comes as little surprise that i would wake up
discomforted, uncertain what to do next
even as so much waits for my attention
and the future slips through my fingers
sands in the hourglass.
172.2 this morning. I dont have a problem wearing any of my clothes except those size 36 pants which now fall off of me.
I think i probably hit my target wt of 170 in nm (down from180 and occasionally plus) and the 175 average that I had when I left. This seems to be stable, albeit with 12 workouts every 7 days. The question of building from here remains illusive since losing weight is not longer crucial, it is a matter of increasing health.
After our short little talk, I can feel the emotion boiling in each of us.
It reflects something so shared that the two sides merge and it becomes one thing
I want you, you want me, I want a world with nothing else, I'm not so sure that is shared
I want to explain this to you, do you know how much I lost, how much time
Even now I can barely remember the last 4 months, age or sadness or both
I was hurt, confused, what was I doing this for? who was I without you
A ghost? Some sort of portal for a universe to feed information through?
Were those the same thing, what about the love that brought me above that?
I should have known that the bonds would be harder to break
I wish you could hear yourself, I can play it back in my head
It hurt before, now it makes me smile with love
Only I fear if we do not do this right, it will happen again and even worse
I worry about my ability to run back into that maelstrom again
My heart and my body long for it, but I'm not as young as I used to be
I don't know if I can take as much, whether I can bounce back again
If there is only one chance left, let us take it, I say to myself
But I have a harder time telling it to you, it is what I want
Not for you but for me, too selfish to maintain the passion, it would melt
Not 100% sure where to go right now.
I have a list of things to do, but I don't have an order for them.
I keep looking for some sign, but its like one of those crazy signs that says this far to alpha centaury, the other way to New Mexico and that way to Brazil. So where to go next.
