Addressing things

 I am very tired of you breaking things off 

and then blaming it on me.

Does not mean I don;t deserve the blame

I can't say the right thing

or the appropriate thing

I think of graveyard services in the snow

and I just want a picture

Of you

In the snow

 mourning 

and why

it would be so rare 

so so tragic 

I'm not ready to suffer

It's my brother's birthday

among other things

I missed lunch

I'm still not hungry

all nerves

I walked the day before

Today 

an advertised snow storm

the cold kept the golfers away

i had my private park

all to me and the dog

the sky did not hint of the storm coming

it was the bluest

most beautiful sky

it reminded me of your eyes

although not exactly the blue

and not like the sky at all

but a beautiful color

that I don't see enough of

to mourn

Their passing

1.19.25 Sunday

 I do a lot to make something 

that has never worked work.

Mostly it's what I don't do 

that haunts me.

I Wonder What She's Doing Tonight - Tommy Boyce & Bobby Hart - YouTube   I like this version of the video.

My life is confusing

inconsistent

illogical

unreal

to me

I read some poems by Mary Oliver 

in her book devotions

They are not unlike my posts

Better for sure

Bur she doesn't spend as much time

trying to figure out how the universe works

faux spiders and swastikas

or trying to save humanity

with technology

that says there is no reason

or maybe she does

I have no idea

yesterday i found how shocking

a few words can be

but we already know that

j' accuse

that's it

let's try

love

hate

together

apart

did the person 

who invented writing

just want an accounting

the rosetta stone

or was "they"

trying for something else

to capture a moment

a thought

and hold onto it

long enough

to tell someone else

1.4.25 The first Saturday of the year

Really?

You have to be kidding me.

But I shouldn't be surprised

And it really makes no difference

You would be there anyway

All the time

Every day

These hard days

psychologically

financially

medically even

life hangs in the balance

death is stable

the only permanent part of the set

perhaps something will change this year

but nothing changes

Almost, almost this time

I changed things

But to what purpose

What does it matter if

things change

if I am dead

or you are alive

A puzzle with half the pieces missing

may have some value

but it is very different

than the value if it is complete

I work

I wait

I despair

amazed at what is missed

at willful ignorance

at prejudice

pomposity

sitting in shadows

waiting

for a light

or a more complete

darkness

12.28.24 The last Saturday in 2024

 It is the last saturday of the month, of the year.  It could well be the last saturday of time.  But for now it is the last Saturday of 2024.

I did a good turn which was expensive in the only commodity I have. It left me exhausted and there was much of the commodity spent.

I believe that it is too late, but I may be wrong.  You can never tell about these things.  I have trouble believing how much I have spent on others with no return.  It seems to be such a waste.  I do not want a tombstone, but if one is forced on me perhaps it should include the words regret and anger.

I don't know, maybe passion and stupidity too.

Thankfully, I don't want a tombstone, because there would be a wicked mess written on it.  A lot of random words and phrases.  I hate you, i love you should probably be there somewhere.  If everyone is stupid, I suppose that means that I'm stupid too.

Maybe a few equations and something that explains what the equations are all so stupid.  How they anger me.  How I regret the decisions that I blame on the equations.

I am Ozymandias, king of kings, look on my works, you mighty, and despair, I think it goes something like that.  there was a guy who knew how to write a tombstone. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46565/ozymandias

https://youtu.be/aDtbhOXCl1E?si=i1O3wABJKrsziLYW

Christmas Eve 5am

 Urania

That appears to be the Greek muse

I dreamt of you

of being with you

in my dreams 

things were not right

but they were where they had been

I stopped

short of where 

I wanted to go

even in my dreams

I stopped myself

from realizing my dreams

It is dark outside

I lit the tree

to hide my desire

we never had

our tree

our winter vacation

a moment

when it was 

just us

everything vanished

with you

but never

was it gone

oh Urania

how do i live

without you

i have

the greatest purpose

and it means

nothing

love endures

responsibility survives

i wish nothing

the happiness of others

of you

my dreams

tell me 

i am lying

moments

The architect; 12.21.24

Random thoughts in December

it is unseasonably warm

I welcome it

a chance to get in some bike rides

to swim without freezing

at least as much

How meaningless the holidays

without you.

I am busy

There is a project due next week

along with the holiday stuff

which is meaningless

insert without you where appropriate

A meeting I should follow up

where did it go?

lost in the mail

Why was it so good

Was it trust

love

were we right to depend on either one

were we right not to fight more

about what we both knew

was it so wrong to need someone

to need to hear you out

instead of hearing silence

to want to share

life

death

Is it so terribly wrong \

to reach out

to need to reach out

Everything is wrong with this life. 

Too much responsibility.

too little compensation

 Too much knowledge. 

What am i suppose to do with this  

for certainly i feel compelled 

to do something.

 My task seems impossible 

so why give me the knowledge to begin it. 

I will certainly die with it 

unfinished

 so why make me start?

And why should I serve a universe

so cruel

as to hold you in front of me

and deny me you

Kacey Musgraves - The Architect (Official Music Video) - YouTube

12.14.24 Days of Ghosts

I try to forget things

To just enjoy this time

of festive ghosts

who only scare you

to make you better

But the book I am reading 

had to drag everything back

But if it wasn't the book

It would be something

else

Because you

can't kill

Ghosts

a memory is like a ghost

and there are ghosts all around

this time of year

a dead friend's ghost

from a long time ago

one who saw one

of the dumbest things

I'd ever done

and that is saying something

the ghost of christmas past

of christmas yet to come

of this christmas

And what are ghosts

except unfinished dreams

what do we have left

A ghost of a chance?

Things are grim

not the end of the world grim

not we're all ghosts grim

not the christmas yet to come

with all the horrors it promises

But things are tight

a temporary terror

until there is time

for permanent terror

what you left me with

you made me the one

to deal with terror

I don't know what to do

But I need to do something

I can wait

for quite a while i think

for the things coming

the things i cannot stop

things that should happen

scare them away for a moment

but they will come back

I used to be afraid of ghosts

Now I wish i could see them

again

like your ghost

my old ghost

Our ghost

who we were

what we were

instead of

who we are

ghosts in waiting

i am not sure 

there is enough 

of me left

of us left

to make a ghost

and what is our ghost

except an unfinished

something

Something i chase 

with my science

but i can never catch it

something i waited

too long before i needed it

not a dream ghost

despite the noble quest

even if you were in it

it would be better

but its still the same

a nightmare ghost

Enough of that, here is an interesting article

Ghost towns show Greece's battle with falling birth rate, depopulation

IF YOU BUMP INTO YOUR EX? ...SAY THIS... #viral #viralvideo #viralshorts #comedy