7.15.23

 This morning it was tropical outside as it often is when the tradewinds of the gulf are blowing and the heat and humitidity find a balance with the breeze.  It made me want to to outside and sit on the viranda or harvest bananas or pinapples or coconuts.  And I wrote this in myhead to you as I often do where I can use all of the words including the magical and harmful words that are not always safe to use in real conversations and mail.

Even in my head to story is one of parallel worlds, a shared childhood separated by the thinnest vineer of distance and circumstance; the rarest of friendships would only come when we were welll set on another parallel path, separated by the inability to communicate over patterns that developed around us, the people who brought us together or forced us apart in equal measure.

I cannot know for certain if this is special or just that spell you cast over everyone around you.  I would like to thinkit was something unique to us, a confirmation of the lost opportunities; but that would diminsh you a little, would say that you cannot bring that to everyone and would glorify my part in it which is the least noble and most selfish part; although I try to make amends to the universe at large or at least our part of it, to bring some little comfort to the dried bones of those children we were never able to have together though I wanted so badly to burden you with them.

I am editing again today, something which has been demanding my attention for some time but which I could not get to.  I am also counting my time and it is not good although it could well change, with medicine, money and the mysery that is you, that was you, perhaps even the could be you; but I think time is running out.  So for the moment, there is the tropical paradize that may vanish when the sun comes up and the work which has to be done and will only vanish when my bones begin to dry out.

3.18.23

 I am parked in front of the Mississippi river.  Not now when you read this, but sometime in the past.

I was here early, of course.  I had no idea where to be or when, so i was early.

I had to go somewhere, to kill a little time.  I could have killed it anywhere, just as it could kill me anywhere were i not already dead, if not  now, then at some point which is certain to be certain.  

This was selfish of me, there were any number of places i coud have gone to this morning, any number of things that i could have done perhaps any number of people who i could be with although there was perhaps only one other and perhaps that option is an illusion.

Who have I not, at one point or another, offeneded.  Even at my best that is a talent which seems to be more sure than the others.

I did not start here, by the river with its tugs and barges and the current which is strong again, afte the drought.  The road dead ended on the far eastern side of the park so i got out to piss on an oak tree.  After all, i solved the space time continuum; i can relieve myself wherever i want on this side of eternity.

I also walked, 3000 steps almost; stretching my legs after the long drive.  I looked at the street names, knowing where each one leads, where all roads in my mind lead.  

I could taste the proimity.  I walked along feeling the heavy beating of my heart, a clock marking the time I have left, here, gone, here, gone.   it was cold so i wore a hat and gloves and it was shaded so the heat of the sun was absent.

I could feel it all around me, memories turned real by passion, time standing still as it can only do for one who understands it with all of its limitations and infinities and absolute endings.

I could taste you in the air. Here, gone, here, gone.

All an illusion, even the river and the tug struggling to dock right in front of me or the one pushing the barge.

3.16.23

3.11.23

2:00 AM  The day after Greg Friedlander day.

There was only one person I wanted to hear from on my birthday.  And no I have not forgotten how to use my phone.  People are entitled to privacy and to get on with their lives to some extent.  No one should have a life sentence in prison of any type.  But that doesn't change what I want.

I have been up many days before the sun because of you.  You are not the reason, at least not the only reason, I am up at 2AM the day after my birthday, but I would like to tell you why.  A major bank failed on my birthday.

Yesterday I started the day at 4AM, so I was only up 2 hours earlier.  How weird is that?  I walked the dog to my office and was there before 8AM.  I was back early so I missed my brother who stopped by.  In the afternoon I swam 2200 yards, 1200 IM,  2x200, 1x400, 1x200, 2x100 so a ladder of sorts and I could have kept going, and I suppose that is even part of reason I am up now, but I showed old age a thing or two.

I got good news from all 3 universities I am working on and a positive email on a larger grant project and I feel like I have a handle on the science so I typed in some final notes and on my birthday filed the provisional to cover all the disclosure that might come up in the grants that have been filed and to update my observations.

All in all, a banner day of sorts.

But all I wanted, all I ever want for my birthday, is you.

Thanks for all the birthday greetings. I think i may have gotten to the age where I can count riches in the friends I have had, those I have left and the good deeds I can do in the remaining years on this earth. A long life to all of you and if I do not see you in person in the years to come, we will meet again in Valhalla or whatever comes next.

That's what I posted to facebook.

I thought it was clever enough as old as I am.

3.5.23

Been hitting my target weight.  I suspect i would be under it  today if i had weighed, although i do not even care right now.  At this moment in time that part of my body is fine.

Yesterday I was at the pool when it opened at 8am, had it to myself for the first half of my workout and even when it was crowded, I was as fast as anyone else swimming, a good day.  I also am pretty sure I accidently swam 1200 IM. I did 2000 yards in short time even though I was a little shocked that I was even at the pool.  My home pool is at 72 degrees which is shockingly cold, but also a temperature where I can just start swimming, assuming I don't have a heart attack when I first get in and if a hot sun is shinning on it.  Then I rode 8 miles and I only ate small meals and no dinner which is unusual and I suspect it is largely due to my sense of frustration.  On top of everything else I stayed up late, the sun was up when I got up this morning, something which has not happened in quite a while.

Looked at match.com because it came up on my Facebook feed.   It kept trying to get me to make myself visible which was  tempting although there were way too many ugly people on it.  Maybe I would fall into that category at this moment in my life.   i also read an article about catfishing kidnapping which sounds about right.  What sort of person in their right mind would do that.  I have a friend who is single who is doing that or something like that and he said he sees fake profiles.  The fact that it comes up on my feed is evidence enough that it is a terrible idea.  What on earth would I do in that environment?  I suspect I am dateable, but I am also going blind and who would want that?  Also, I would suspect I would be absolutely mad to get into a relationship I could not walk away from.  A person who hates his own life has little reason to look at relationships.

And, of course, even at my old age I would not want to get sick.  I would have to make all of my dates start of at a clinic so I could get them tested.  It makes me a little nauseous to think about it.  I wonder if it will not happen yet, how strange it would be.  When I was younger it was looking for someone to spend my life with, now what would it look like?  I have another friend to abhors relationships of any kind.  He is angry, there is a fancy word for that, misogyny.  I can almost understand, I have been hurt perhaps he was too, although you do not hear that.  I have hurt others, however.  I might argue today it was for purposes of wanting everything perfect for everyone else.  It's all your fault, I'd tell them; but that would be disingenuous, I have the thesaurus working this morning.

The science is going as well as can be expected.  The technology breakthroughs this year have left me feeling like I was hit by a firehose.  The level of proof is extraordinary, the obviousness of it shocking and even suspicious.  It cannot be that easy, but maybe it is.

It opened up this whole new area of grant concepts at the same time different groups were looking for them and that has helped to develop it, although the interplay is complex, simple things in isolation that are complex when combined, the reason for all of the problems in my life.  Well, all the problems except going blind, that one is all mine, simple in isolation or when combined with everything else.

This morning, the gym being closed, I used the elimination of one piles of vines for exercise and I can barely type for the amount of work I did with my arms, much more than lifting weights and like the pile that was hauled away on Friday, the stack of weeds in front of the house is enormous.  Lots of errors typing I'll have to go back.

I fooled my watch calling it a walk and indeed going back and forth I clocked over 1.5 miles.  Moreover it was a 10 hr of rest 1.xx1.x aerobic, anaerobic workout and 99 intensity minutes to boot and that was after an initial 15 minutes, so I have my exercise in today.  Also 12 floors and all but a  couple thousand steps.  All in all I should have been doing this all along i guess.  Stil have some clean up to do and my chain saw chain needs to be replaced, too loose to use.

I've been collecting songs, the beetle's song which goes, "in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make," comes to mind; but that song is a lie, maybe for the writer, but it would be for me.  One funny, one serious.  Or, come to think of it, maybe they are both serious in their own way.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzw3-Qyp4c0

Sting - When We Dance (Official Music Video) - YouTube

2.28.23

 It is the end of something, February.

Last night you came to me in my dreams, 

so real I could feel you.

But you only shared bad news with me

I want to be happy for you in it

In your dream of happiness

Health and satisfaction

I woke feeling none of it

Frustrated with the progress

and the lack of it

but only you mattered

in the darkness

The details burned into my brain

I knew if I did not go back to sleep, 

I would never sleep again

But how could I go to sleep

I still love you

More than anything else

You are burned into my world

with an unworldly branding iron

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnlhVDDKdF8

Valentines day, 2.14.23

This was not a very gracious post originally. I saved it to remind myself to be better. 

What is and is not my business or my future?

Right now I have food poisoning so I feel like I'll be dead soon,  but may be fine in the morning. Two bike rides was plenty of exercise before I ate that terrible Korean Mexican fusion which probably had an inherent warning of food poisoning  like eating something moldy out of a can and it didn't taste right. So if I'm dead in the morning at least this post may be better. 

I could talk about my hopes that the strength of our friendship would allow us to rise beyond this but I cannot think past the the feeling of contentment felt when the world was limited to just us,  it's not the way friends think or help each other. 

If i don't die tonight I'm supposed to swim again, the 2k yesterday was hard but paid for itself and as little as I got done today I did an unhindered amount yesterday and I realized my time table is measured in months and not days as I feared but now I am feeling the claws of death and I only want you to be happy and fulfilled and for my illness to end one way or another.