Peripeteia

I have experienced this in so many different ways and circumstances since 2005.
Economically, I have experienced a peripeteia twice, once in the wrong way and again in the right, even now I am not so recovered that I don't bear the open wounds of anguish.
Emotionally, it is the same.  A seasaw of feeling, a complete absence of stability between extremes.
I would say that love forms a part of what I feel, there is no question about that.  I live with a friend, you could almost say that I have chosen friendship over love, but that is not entirely true.  What I call a choice is prevarication, economics, a perverse logic, a numbers game of people, perhaps a very bad choice; but I have to acknowledge it for what it is.
I don't love even you for certain and friendship and love are both blinded by passion which is so strong, even now, that it prevents me from discerning what lies beyond it.  Passion seems limitless.  It is like the blood rage that forces one to act recklessly only to regret it later.  Entire nations suffer from blood lust, the United States experienced it after 9-11.  I tried to enlist (what a waste that would have been) but I was too old.  Once the rage ended we were stuck with the results which to this day haunt everyone involved.  The dead terrorist succeeded, they impoverished us, left behind a legacy of terror and there is nothing but trouble where stability was at least possible. Our politicians lied so much to cover up their own self interest, stupidity and lack of forsight that we could no longer trust them.   Our streets are littered with the human suffering that remains after any war, but especially a stupid one.
But that is only given as an example.   Another excuse, perhaps.  We are all people, we are all human, we all are blinded by our emotions, or we are dead people, I am not sure which is worse.
Am I your friend?  I am certain I am your friend, whether I lost your friendship or not.  I would do anything called on by friendship, but the friendship is a slave to the passion.  I thought perhaps time would allow it to mellow, but it only grows stronger.  It has always been there, of course.  You know that.  But now it ruins everything between me and all others.  It is a shadow that darkens my perception of everyone even as my vision blurs and separates into bands of fog and clarity.
You know of the passion and such friendship as could survive it.  I have crushed the passion ruthlessly in the past, to allow for the friendship.  But it was always there, corrupting the friendship with its selfish demands, my selfish desires.
Perhaps that was love, my willingness to contain that visceral feeling that I cannot fully explain.  It is like the beating heart, we know it beats, we rely on it, but we cannot understand why it does what it does, why it beats slower in peace, its rapidity when I know you are near, why it aches and tries to explode when I think of a life without my dear friend, my true love or the source of this unreasoning passion which seems never spent.
The love that I believe lies between the passion and the friendship has never had a chance to develop, but don't friends love each other?  Is that the signficance of the message?  Or is the friendship an illusion, an afterglow of the passion?
I don't think it is an illusion, we seemed to understand each other, to talk so well.
I thought perhaps that I could be a friend again, to replace peripeteia with balance.  Apparently that is not possible.  For you feel nothing but hate, and the passion continues to boil within me, a volcano of emotion awaiting only the opportunity to erupt and destroy everything else in its path.