The Horror

I woke today to a thought
and the more I thought
the worse it grew
and yet it was not
a thought of something horrible
it was a thought of kindness
of friendship and compassion
and yet it involves such sacrifice
that my mind rebelled against it
refused to even acknowledge it
it suggested the universe
is even more cruel
more ironically malicious
than ever i imagined it to be
it was the rejection of a loving god
and yet it was all about love
it was a thought which bore
unhappiness no matter what the outcome
whether good or terrible
it was a thought grown
from my attempts to find
the essence of my own soul
to find the kindness, patience
understanding and self sacrifice
which is supposed to be so noble
but after waking I saw it
for what it really is
a mockery, a false goal
a mirage promising respite
but holding only alkaline poison
and that was not enough
because it stays mocking me
threatening the very essence
of what I am
with what I want