2.28.22 march arrives

What can the dead do but bang the doors of the living to remind them that they wander the earth because of love or anger that will not let them rest

What isn't balanced

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCCxESrBdRM

Do you know where the heart lives that makes this possible, do you know what is missing?

connecting with our inner hobos this morning

https://theweek.com/saturday-night-live/1010665/ukrainian-chorus-performs-hymn-in-solemn-snl-cold-open

too late

2.27.22 posted a day early

Annual bike ride down to the mardi gras

and zombies

and watching for what i am not sure i want to see

PEOPLE: Everything to Know About Mardi Gras, Including Its Origin, How to Celebrate, and More.

https://people.com/human-interest/mardi-gras-everything-to-know/PEOPLE: Everything to Know About Mardi Gras, Including Its Origin, How to Celebrate, and More.

https://people.com/human-interest/mardi-gras-everything-to-know/PEOPLE: Everything to Know About Mardi Gras, Including Its Origin, How to Celebrate, and More.

https://people.com/human-interest/mardi-gras-everything-to-know/

And yes Virginia it started in mobile. 

Standing with the brave Ukrainians 💪 👏

 

i stand with ukraine

USA TODAY: Battle for Kyiv intensifies; defiant Zelenskyy urges resistance: 'The fight is here.' - recap.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2022/02/25/russia-ukraine-kyiv-invasion-latest/6934351001/

2.25.22

Happy Mardi Gras

Acceptance

 Only a fool doesn't eventually embrace it and move on 

Happy 2.22.22

 Happy 2's day, I just swam 2 thousand yards.

It is 2 bad we are not 2gether, it is 2 sad that you don't love me 2 comment. 2 me you will always be the other part of any 2.

But perhaps the sun will rise 2morrow and 2 you I wish 2 many good things for you 2 count.

2 much?

2.20.22 2 post

Now is when I wish I could speak more directly. 

I don't want anyone to panic but if things progress in Ukraine it might result in phone, internet, even power and banking interruption. I'd recommend having some cash, full tank of gas, and canned food with a mechanical can opener. And 6 months of any medication.   Unlikely but who knows what will happen.

Very frustrating. 

https://youtu.be/2cyQPN5xQtU

2.20.22

Swam 2000 yards giving me 3 swims and 3 bike rides and a walk this morning,  must have skipped exercise last Saturday,  seems unlikely.  I do these compulsive things to keep from going mad, to exhaust myself so i can't think so i can  sleep without you. 

WWIII hangs in the balance.  My science is at a critical juncture. I need to start looking past the past today and stop putting it off so i can selfishly wallow in it.

I need to stop writing here get things together try to move into a better place. 

I slept till almost 6, it is light outside 

2.19.22 what we're missing

WDSU New Orleans: New Orleans begins busiest Carnival parade weekend.

https://www.wdsu.com/article/new-orleans-weekend-parades-feb-11-1645206055/39136648

If it isn't too late we have got to get it together. https://youtu.be/RTZoJ01FpD8

Cauliflower pizza with fresh mushrooms added 

2.18.22 what you're missing

Frozen blueberries, but it tasted normal (blueberry, banana, pecan) and  made veggie sausage for you.

I woke up last night and felt like maybe this was the right outcome, but like a dream the reasoning evaporated with the day.  I try to write down my dreams and would like to know the reason for this feeling, but it was gone when I got up.  How long has it been, could it be that things are changing?

2.17.14

4am. i blame you, i would be asleep if we were together.

2.16.22

 All i wanted was a quiet life married to the woman i loved.  That was you, BTW, instead I've got this strange version of hell when everything breaks loose when I'm ancient. It was an exhausting day,  I hope you don't mind me going on a bit, but I am celebrating finishing the primary deadlines ahead of the due date of Monday.  I just finished,  I was lucky, really lucky to have something pointed out at the last minute that would have been a problem later.  2 things actually and they were both relatively easy. Today should have been a swim day or something more than the walk but it was a longish hike and it worked to clear my head so I could deal with finishing the work taking 3 things off my task list and adding another. 

I know what I want to do and it's hard to tear my mind away.   I have a short but important presentation set up for the first week of March. It would be easier if it was a longer one. It's tied to the work I just finished, I started it for insights. 

There has to be a way to move on.  I could try to forget but I think it is better to be in love. 

2.15.22 2

 Who is the poet you were meant to be with. i spent the last 30 years trying to convince myself that I did enough 40 years ago to convince you and trying to build a bridge to that book of poetry. 

I'm reading jack Davis ' book "the gulf", it is beyond my capacity to describe the deep feelings for you and that muddy river you call home. 

2.15.22

Don't let any person or thing diminish your light paraphrased from John Lewis. 

Tuesday at 4 am.  I wish I could say no harm could come from reaching out. 

2.14.22

 Knowing what you (i) want and knowing what you (i) can get are equally important; Happy Valentine's day.

https://youtu.be/IXdNnw99-Ic

https://www.lcsun-news.com/story/news/education/2022/02/13/nmsu-audit-new-mexico-state-faculty-administration-relationship-provost-president/6695787001/

2.13.22

 I am too sick to mourn. I need to forgive what I cannot have and put my energy toward where I can do the most good without regard to the dreams which have to be forgotten as dreams sometimes are, if i must live with this one perhaps it will not be too long.

2.12.22

https://youtu.be/uQBu5whSgC4

It is almost valentines day, and i love you more than life itself, because there is no life without you.

2.11.22

 I can almost grasp it, but it is nothing but regret and mist.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFKf08us2AI

2/10/22

 It's funny (ironic funny) if you think about it.  Made a vegetarian sauce for you even though you are not here, meat on the side.

2/9/22

Phrase of the day: legitimate romantic discourse.  

2.8.22

Two roads diverged in a wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and it has made all the difference. (Robert Frost, that one doesn't count against me)

Trying to be realistic.

2.7.22

 I thought I'd try one phrase a day on this blog.  Here goes,  I feel like I'm holding my breath. 

2/5

 i will be writing less here and more in my other, private blog as there are some very dark things that i dont wish to trouble you.

I will write here, perhaps as much perhaps not; that remains to be seen.  When I am gone, I will certainly let you know about that unless I dont

I will leave you this morning with someone who has always been a role model to my way of thinking even though I dont think i think as clearly and someone who also traveled from the mississippi to the west.

https://youtu.be/RmEY88jfPMc

To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.

2/4 rainy day part deux

 It was a cold walk in intermittent drizzle.

Here's something a little different for you for a Friday night when we cannot be together.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEmlsCVonBI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOze7lO2bIQ

I was watching the snow falling in vermont on a covered bridge and thought how much i will always need to be places like that with you, impossibly beautiful and wild places.

The news has continued to be very limited, but I have started on the next phase of work and I have more than enough to keep me busy, but I cannot stop thinking about what is the most important thing in all of this, however long I might be able to save mankind that there is something more fundamental which was entrusted to me and which I broke and I still do not understand how it happened.

2/4-rainy day part un

 I have had some time to process the news and i can see something both bad and good in, while sort of negative on the outside, on the inside it is a reprieve of sorts.

You cannot have everything in life, so sometimes you have to take what you can get and be satisfied.  Is that not appropriate here in some ways?  I could bemoan the costs, or I  could say, who really cares.  I can look at some very limited work now and put off the big stuff till later.  It is really a win-win in its own way.  If it becomes important later, well what is this about, it should always be primarily about love, money can be secondary.

Interesting that my size 34 jeans fit, maybe it's a sizing issue but I need to try on all my clothes. Don't apply this to yourself you are fine and if you decide you need to get skinnier you can come to new Mexico with me although you might catch the weird sleep hours. 

Today it will stop raining, it is only 4am.  two days ago i was caught in the rain and was soaked through despite a rain coat for the last 15 minutes of the walk.  I think it will be very cold later, but the rain will have stopped. I will walk and maybe I will finally swim again after a three day break on the 5th.  Perhaps I will want to by then.

I'm glad for the hot tub on these cold days. I'm not saying it is a substitute for you but it is better than nothing. 

Did I say that the price for my office was fairly close to what I would want?  I have to prepare for inflation, of course, with a fixed house note as long as I could sell my office and the land, that would not even be an issue, even if I was living in the desert.  It's not cheap to rent. 

I was thinking about extended family this morning and missing the news from home.  I am not a great loss, I am something of a liability even now because of my ongoing obligations because of my failures in the past.  I lost a family that was bizarrely real to me and even stranger I wonder about that family.

I'm not looking for a call, I'm looking for a future and it is up to me, just like it was up to you, to take the first step.

Day zero part deux

 I had a reasonably dry bike ride to the office and back, got enough exercise not to worry about it the rest of the day, but its not a lot of exercise even though my watch gave me 99 im for it.  Too much talking about the watch?

Once at the office, the theme of the morning was organizing the next phase of work.  Over the last couple of months my calendar has gotten more and more crowded and it was becoming unwieldy.   I cannot say it is wieldy yet, but at least the next couple of days don't require I get up at 4am and work till 7pm.

That included organizing the next set of documents realizing that there are thing to do every day for the next 7 days.  That is not an important deadline, I may not even look at it.  The critical one is 19 days off which is not a long time, but I'm largely ready for it and by Monday I'll know what I have and what I need for it.

I managed to get 8 hours of sleep last night despite waking up and having to tell myself there was no deadline waiting to get me.  The next deadline after the 22nd of consequence is effectively in 27 days, and that was a big part of this morning although I have tabled it till tomorrow to deal with other matters except for one call this afternoon which might give some focus.

Wasn't impressed with the call, unfortunately.  That is it was a pleasant call, but it solved none of my problems.  I stopped to rest my eyes earlier for 20 minutes of meditation and it seemed to go by like 5.

The rain will start soon, I always see you in the rain.  

I have not mentioned my weight recently.  I think the trip to new mexico and the two meals a day has permanently set my wake up weight at the 170 target weight.  I need to do a lot of core work yet, but all my pants are too loose but those from a few  years back which fit now.  Not getting older, getting better; well but still getting older.

i cooked tonight, not exactly a target 170 weight meal, but it was simple and good, wish i had french bread and i would give up eating completely if i could make things right.  I have to do the best i can, focus on what good i can do.

day zero-part 1

 It felt strange to go to sleep without needing to do anything or figure anything out and strange to wake up without some immediate pending deadline.  I still woke up too early, was restless, the old habit not yet ready to die.  Even as I finish this post, it is still dark, the first song birds of the morning just beginning their songs in advance of the dawn.

I remember feeling very strange and nervous those last days in the desert, knowing i had to come back and the press of events waiting for me when I arrived.

Those feelings were both strange, but not at all alike.  I am comfortable here where I was not comfortable those last days in New Mexico.  I hate that we did not share the sunrises there, my friend and landlord has been posting pictures of them.

Perhaps the thing to be nervous about is moving back there with all that will entail.  If that happens, of course.  It appears both inevitable and somewhat uncertain and the place that takes me to is not one where my mind is settled. It has, however, been many years since I lived out west and it has called quietly to me all these years.

At a certain age, one should be looking to settle down, but that is not for everyone, I do not suppose.  Let me go over where I am and where I am going, you would be surprised how much I do not put here, or perhaps not:

1) My project has reached another peak.  I have models for some of the big problems and some of the lesser problems economic, practical, impractical and some which may be ready for vc.   and there are the other problems i have solved, those facing science and this latest filing is driving that stake in the ground there to go with the other stakes.

2) VC are paying attention, the next 2 weeks of calls have to do with that.  I am ready, but i need something special which may not be possible.  I reached the end of my usefulness two years ago and then shocked myself by breaking through a barrier which i could never have crossed and the one which brought me here; but I am at another barrier and while the accelerator is supposed to get me past this one, i cannot do it alone; i need money, expertise, and something intangible.

3) I am in the right accelerator, after all of the attempts to get into the wrong ones, at this last minute.  Will it work out, will it be onsite or remote, where would onsite be, what is really being brought to the table, are they sold or just taking a chance because they have to; will one of the grants issue, as they should or will prejudice and ignorance prevail; these are all things which hang in the balance.

Today I took the first steps to sell my office.  That is a big step, in many ways bigger than selling the house which would be easy if i lowered the price which realtors continually tell me i do not have to do.  I fantasized, even planned that one day we would live here together.  That is pretty weird, but it would have made sense in another universe and probably in this one a long time ago.  There was a time when things were very dark that all i wanted was the chance to live here quietly till i died, how strange and otherworldly that time was when you saved my life and sent me on this bizarre trail for whatever selfish reasons you had.

  But it will be sold and if i am right and lucky one day it will be a museum owned by someone else.  

The office is something else, all my mail and business is handled out of there even though in the last month i set up a pretty nice office at my house without which the work i finished on ground hog day would have gone much worse.  I am still uncomfortable about where i am at with that, the pulling in vs creating part bothers me, although it is gone now one way or the other and that issue is for whatever comes next.  I have the insurance value and i may list the office for that, what it would cost to rebuild which in this case is certainly more than its value and that means putting my mail into one of those virtual sites where your mail is opened and then emailed to you.  Not sure how checks, etc are handled with that, but I may soon need the flexibility and i will deal with the issue of checks, but i could well be away from all of this, starting over at my age and with my problems in the desert with the beautiful sunsets; or maybe that is not how it will work; i must wait and see.

If the office, land and house sold; i would still have plenty to deal with here, but nothing that was a anchor, it would turn into just another port in a life which has been adrift since i was 9 years old.

day minus 1

After the swim I slept well and dreamed quite a bit and woke to an epiphany of sorts. I have the same issues as before but I realized I'm jumping a gun for limited reasons, worrying about the wrong problem for now and maybe one I can't afford not to put off till April when I have more time and help. 

If my resources were unlimited or if I thought there was more to lose, but I do not know it would make a difference really. All I'd be doing at this point is creating another deadline for myself. 

So I did what i needed to do a now i am relaxing because done things are done now.   This was written at 2:00 AM, by the way.

I have my documentation finished (I hope) and its 12:30PM (ish).  Listening to a really good cle on dealing with stress especially with covid.

It is 2/2/22.

I finished between 1 and 230. for the first time in quite a while, I'm caught up with that part of the project.  After

5 months of intensity, I'm in two programs,  figured how to move forward on multiple fronts and the next really important deadline is at the end of the month.   Meetings this week and the beginning of next week will help me decide what to do, it's nice to have help. 

Doesn't mean there isn't more to do, the next deadline is essentially here; but I don't have to do anything the rest of the week but listen.  

That's not really true, I have two pages of grant stuff on my calendar and one page on the next level of patent work.

But I have filed and figured what needs to be done for this week,  all I have to do is listen. Are you listening?

https://youtu.be/J8hjEYTpwE8

I was watching a show that has to be being filmed in new orleans.  it was not very good.

The absence of an intense deadline is relaxing, no exhausting, it is like everything that was keeping me up dropped out from under me.

I went to the store and picked some stuff up, ate lunch and cleared off the afternoon calendar and came here because this is as close as I can get and the hard times are when I need you the most.

I'm outside listening to the rain 🌧 

Day-2 closer

 It is 630 am, I've been up for a little over an hour, working for most of the time, glad to have researched a little of what needs to be done today and tomorrow.  I feel...comfortable about what needs to happen.  I said I would try to stay away from this, but today I'm going to prepare the simple document and get it off and then I'll be able to finish the other documentation, the so called "request," and if it is done early enough, maybe I'll get rid of that too.  It would be interesting to see what its like to sleep through the nigh again.

I'm finishing this in the evening, a small celebration because I am closer and it may help calm me down,  it isn't the remedy i want. 

I am planning on having all of this bleed into tomorrow, a much more likely scenario, hence the countdown.

 I had a dream last night which included my dead father bringing home a younger woman.  I am older than he was when he died a violent death.

Over the next two weeks I have calls relative to the various mentorships that I am in; but nothing has been scheduled relative to the accelerator.  I am not overly concerned with that, but I cannot say I am totally comfortable with it either.  I am a large meal for a snake to eat and perhaps require a little more thought.

Ok, it is 620 pm.  I have everything in a form where if I needed to i could file it right now, but i have a good half a day's work outlined for tomorrow, mostly loose end stuff.  That is all i am going to say about work; fairly relieved and tense.

After getting to this point and having very little to give I went swimming at around 4.  Started out planning just to clear my head, no music, just me and the water; but it was a crowded pool and without counting I went over, said, one or two im, but did all 1000 and ended up with a 2250 workout, pretending the lifeguard was you and trying not to think about all the younger people i was outlasting if not outswimming.  Now I am comfortably numb and while i suspect i will be restless, i can go to sleep early and get up early and i am ready and still have one extra day which I definitely do not need to get into.

Still no word about NM, i gave them a lot to think about and it has been less than a week I guess or maybe its less than two weeks, time is entirely unstuck for me.  Either way, very early in the process whether they are chewing over my proposal or not.  Important calls relative to that begin on Friday by which time I should be fairly recovered and 3 or 4 k lighter but with signs up where they need to be and that much closer to riding off into the sunset...with you?  Just my dog?

I suppose not, one day I will have to face reality, but I am poking so many holes in reality that it barely seems solid to me anymore.  I have dozens of emails to send, it seems.  I also realize once this work goes out I have to start cleaning it up and looking the next deadline which is in many ways at the end of this month, too soon, too expensive, but it needs to be done.  Still hoping to have additional certainty on things by then.

2250 with 1000 ims and i spent a lot of time underwater swimming a third of the way down the pool with flutter kicks.  I do not like the way my watch short chains me on the intensity minutes.