day zero-part 1

 It felt strange to go to sleep without needing to do anything or figure anything out and strange to wake up without some immediate pending deadline.  I still woke up too early, was restless, the old habit not yet ready to die.  Even as I finish this post, it is still dark, the first song birds of the morning just beginning their songs in advance of the dawn.

I remember feeling very strange and nervous those last days in the desert, knowing i had to come back and the press of events waiting for me when I arrived.

Those feelings were both strange, but not at all alike.  I am comfortable here where I was not comfortable those last days in New Mexico.  I hate that we did not share the sunrises there, my friend and landlord has been posting pictures of them.

Perhaps the thing to be nervous about is moving back there with all that will entail.  If that happens, of course.  It appears both inevitable and somewhat uncertain and the place that takes me to is not one where my mind is settled. It has, however, been many years since I lived out west and it has called quietly to me all these years.

At a certain age, one should be looking to settle down, but that is not for everyone, I do not suppose.  Let me go over where I am and where I am going, you would be surprised how much I do not put here, or perhaps not:

1) My project has reached another peak.  I have models for some of the big problems and some of the lesser problems economic, practical, impractical and some which may be ready for vc.   and there are the other problems i have solved, those facing science and this latest filing is driving that stake in the ground there to go with the other stakes.

2) VC are paying attention, the next 2 weeks of calls have to do with that.  I am ready, but i need something special which may not be possible.  I reached the end of my usefulness two years ago and then shocked myself by breaking through a barrier which i could never have crossed and the one which brought me here; but I am at another barrier and while the accelerator is supposed to get me past this one, i cannot do it alone; i need money, expertise, and something intangible.

3) I am in the right accelerator, after all of the attempts to get into the wrong ones, at this last minute.  Will it work out, will it be onsite or remote, where would onsite be, what is really being brought to the table, are they sold or just taking a chance because they have to; will one of the grants issue, as they should or will prejudice and ignorance prevail; these are all things which hang in the balance.

Today I took the first steps to sell my office.  That is a big step, in many ways bigger than selling the house which would be easy if i lowered the price which realtors continually tell me i do not have to do.  I fantasized, even planned that one day we would live here together.  That is pretty weird, but it would have made sense in another universe and probably in this one a long time ago.  There was a time when things were very dark that all i wanted was the chance to live here quietly till i died, how strange and otherworldly that time was when you saved my life and sent me on this bizarre trail for whatever selfish reasons you had.

  But it will be sold and if i am right and lucky one day it will be a museum owned by someone else.  

The office is something else, all my mail and business is handled out of there even though in the last month i set up a pretty nice office at my house without which the work i finished on ground hog day would have gone much worse.  I am still uncomfortable about where i am at with that, the pulling in vs creating part bothers me, although it is gone now one way or the other and that issue is for whatever comes next.  I have the insurance value and i may list the office for that, what it would cost to rebuild which in this case is certainly more than its value and that means putting my mail into one of those virtual sites where your mail is opened and then emailed to you.  Not sure how checks, etc are handled with that, but I may soon need the flexibility and i will deal with the issue of checks, but i could well be away from all of this, starting over at my age and with my problems in the desert with the beautiful sunsets; or maybe that is not how it will work; i must wait and see.

If the office, land and house sold; i would still have plenty to deal with here, but nothing that was a anchor, it would turn into just another port in a life which has been adrift since i was 9 years old.