5.31.22

Today is the second day of  moderate inner ear problems.  Hopefully it will not be as bad as yesterday. I have some problems with my schedule today.  It would be helpful to ride my bike this morning since the weather is going to get questionable but it is already hot and muggy and I have meetings.

 Time grows short but I think I have an angle on the whole grant target thing.  It's a weird, scientifically occult solution with the strangest name you can imagine tied to it; but its there and I think it is what I'm going to stick with so I can finished the darned thing since I am quickly running out of time.  Also it is the gift from the universe processed by this disturbed brain, so there's that.

I may do 3 grants between now and 6/15; I think it is much more likely that I will only do 2 of them, maybe just the one and I'm not that thrilled about the chances that I would be awarded that grant even though I think the concept is good.

I did some mediocre plumbing repair yesterday, had the right parts, but not the parts I wanted but its fixed and working although I'm not too thrilled about the damage that was inherent in changing thread counts of the screw to the thimble (?); but I can only do so much.

P.S. big meteor storm tonight.  If my vision was better I could be excited about this; but as is, I know it would hold a little depression even if it pans out and there is the cloud cover.  Time to rewatch day of the triffids.

this is what you're missing: Turkey burger with chicken gravy (long story); cooked carrots, broccoli, mashed potatoes (baked first) and asparagus along with a side of I'm losing my mind.

I ate two cinnamon rolls yesterday so I'm feeling fat, low on self control and think that may have contributed to the inner ear problem; but ate just fruit for dinner which isn't the way to do things, but that's what I did and I'm back on my normal schedule although I slept till after 6 today which was   weird and not good for the ear problem.

It's a busy month coming to an end, an even busier one getting ready to start and the very beginning of July is going to a fireworks display of stress and probably more disappointment.

As of this writing still no word from NM; but I'm not sure I can do that without you, sorry.  We'll see, some days seems like a good idea, others it seems incredibly lonely.  there's also the possibility I'll have to go out there for this insane work you've thrown at me. 

Unfortunately I think Professor Kliq only had one great song (to my untrained ear) which makes me sad.  Still the jury is out, I have a lot of songs to listen to and to see if that spark of genius turns up somewhere else and it likely does in songs that just didn't "klick" with me.)

5.30.22

 It is still 5.29.22 but i will be optimistic and imagine i will make it till tomorrow.

After walking the dog i rode 8 miles to the gym and back and did full sets of weights although i had to do the pullups without assistance for 3 sets of 4 because of crowd issues (one person who just hung out by the machine as i went from place to place, but that is probably just as well.

With walking the dog, i ended up with a little over 140 intensity minutes for the day which is a weeks worth and i am tired.  It is cloudy and a little cool.

I made substantial progress with a little help from the universe in my designs although I still have some ways to go and i am uncertain about certain aspects of the design but i did find an interesting and novel way to incorporate my prior work.  The new design has enough variations to make it hard to include.

Tomorrow (which will be today if you read this when it is published) i will be trying to put finishing touches of drafts which i will by no means be able to finish.

My back has taken some punishment with all of this and i probably should round out the day with a set or two of just in case back stretches, we will see how that goes.

Well, there i did them and now i am back.  Just being careful but it is very nice to stretch them once you get in the swin of it and the pool llooks perfect although i replaced some tabs, i did not check the chemicals, but I should be on top of things based on the last time i checked, the lack of rain since then and the replenishment of the tabs.

i do think it time to table everything else till tommorrow

5.30.22 Here for real now.  I was supposed to be up at 5 but when i closed my eyes at 3 am it was almost 6 when i opened them.  i am outside where it is warm and sunny, no clouds and the sunlight is lighting the tops of the trees in a pleasant, not overwhelming way.

After all the exercise yesterday, you would correctly think the right thing to do would be to be hyper healthy, but i exercise so i can eat which is wrong and for another more important reason which makes absolutely no sense, and i ate a cinnamon roll for breakfast without enough coffee which was, respectively, delicious and disappointing but it is done in both cases although i am still drinking my coffee wondering what i want to have happen next.

It is going to be a good day to swim, already hot and muggy although i have on heavy clothes because somehow there is a chill in the air, probably from being in air conditioning.  they have  begun spraying for mosquitos which ipresume means the butterfly and honey bee populations will go to shit which is stupid, with short and long term consequences which are poorly thought out although i do not understand why mosquitos have to be whatever it is that they are.  I think killing the bees and butterflies is a poor way to deal with the problem irregardless.

I was told that (in response to the 26 plus inches of rain so far here) that colorado (sw) was in a 1200 year old record drought (how on earth do they know what happened more than 200 years  back?  Indian records?  tree rings? which is a reason this place as terrible as it is in some ways with its mosquitos (bad mosquitos in colorado too, but somehow not as venemous) has something to say for itself because we were short of rain, but we have made it up now.

I am not going  anywhere with this, just reaching out to grasp at things that i need but that are not there so i will come back later.

It's 11, I finished swimming about an hour ago and came back to work on the patent, just reorganizing things and got a little carried away and lost an hour.

In the pool, surprisingly cold this early and it took 300-400 yards to warm up enough to be comfortable, i managed to do 2000 yds, no more, no extra im; but the weight lifting didn't make me too tight although I felt less than good.  At one point I thought to myself how much I'd like to go to the graves of my parents and cry for being such a f*k up and having made all the wrong decisions and being alone; but now I am a lot more tired and while that still sounds like a good idea, apologizing to the dead; my science says the apology is wasted and there is no one there to apologize to...or does it?  That's a question for another day, past or future.

i know this was posted similarly earlier but now it shows a 40-60% chance of development so here it is again.  New Mexico and Colorado need it so I hope it figures a way out to go there.

I may come back later, but I have a lot of writing to do today and just between you and me, I don't get much feedback here.

This is what I was talking about @

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/stark-warning-not-kill-flies-27099713

5.29.22

 Sunday morning at 8:20 am.

I have gotten a lot done this morning.  I was up before sunrise, although it was pretty late, around 6am and decided to force the dog up so i could walk him while it was in the 60's.  It is already over 70 so i stand by this decision even though he surprised me by nipping at my hand and squealing.  Once he realized what was going on he overcame his laziness much as i had already done and was anxious for a 2.5 mile walk in reasonably cool conditions with a lot of time off the leash and only at the end of the walk was the sun up. because i was up late to start this process i am only drinking my coffee now, although well into it already.  68im today but i really need to do something cardiowise, swimming again makes sense although it is easy to say i am swimming too much and lifting way too little.  i think i went to sleep with a muscle induced headache, i could have used a massage, something not in the works here.   I have given up this week on NM, but it remains to be seen what will happen next.

After the walk and while i was starting on my coffee i dealt further with the modeling problem that i had set for myself, what i would call a liquidity problem.  I see where i am having problems and the question boils down to how much i can change, there are mechanically reversible aspects for example and what i want to pursue is modeling and not actual construction.  I am not sure that in this respect the universe is not continuing to drop hints to me and offer me solutions; but in the end the targeting is the same and i am learning a lot even as i continue to struggle with the need to master multiple concepts and merge them together along with the alternatives which I am uncertain how to deal with, this compression of carbon structures concept which seems to work but is still troubling in many ways, the ellipse question and how it impacts designs and the ever present question of when and how many patents, provisional or otherwise to file.  I feel like I can wait on the utilities and pct(s) 10 months now, although I have docketing issues and priority questions which i cannot answer.

I suppose one more provisional before the next book is published, an inevitable thought.

I would like to share a page of my edits with you this morning but we are not talking officially or otherwise and i cannot share this with the world yet even though it may amount to nothing or even less than nothing; protecting phantoms has destroyed my life or the one where you would live in it; although this gets too close to a truth which i will not explain even though i could.  why do things move so slow, is it because events have to sabotage my plans or show me for the foolish way i approach life.  I wonder what will happen between now and july, will the door open or stay closed, will it happen in time or be too late?

I will have to come back to this later, i need to spend some time with my coffee and my notes.

5.28.22

 I should be able to write how i feel at least once a week. There is a first amendment issue, at least in the depp-heard trial.  But perhaps this is not a firrst amendment issue and I am not going to write how i feel and if you are looking for that you can skip this post.

well, not about what matters.  i could talk about the insanity in texas and the strange balances and checks which is hidden, but maybe not here.

my vision is getting worse and i watched something where someone was accepting blindness; a hard thing for me to consider.  For the moment, i can write this and watch that, i can ride my bike and swim.  The pool is clear.

no word from nm.  i guess technically it wont even be late if i hear this weekend or today depending on how you count you week.  I still do not know what to do with that.  July is coming and things will happen for better and worse there.

I have needs that need to be addressed, perhaps that is what nm represents; for  purposes here we can focus on the steril things, financial and technical support.

The other thing, happiness, requires something which may not be possible from anyone left in my life, this gets close to feelings and it is enough to say the answer is out there somewhere, but i cannot tell today where it is and if it involves a search forward into the unknown or backwards.  The logic of looking forward is much like logic of looking back but the decision is not mine alone, it is something that requires insight into the human which is not part of this post.  it is the once a week that does not happen. I think the ability to refocus is due to the lack of information and in that sense perhaps the goal needs to be to stop here, caring is often doing what we dont want.  it is like the depp heard trial, 6 weeks of voyerism, would it have been better for some if they did not have to see it transpire in real time.  i have to admit i did not even register it until the last week even though it kept coming up on different feeds, but while i did not see it, it took up no oxygen in my room and when i looked at it, it took a lot of oxygen.

Speaking of oxygen, that is something that i am dealing with, while oxygen is a thing, it is really thermodynamics and entropy the flow of energy in one direction which is both a key rule of thermodynamics and a lie that i am looking at and how to take that lie and use the resulting truth.  this is a big part of what this weekend will be.  i should be on a bikeride to the gym to lift weights right now, i started writing this at 530 and it is more than 2 hours later; but as i finally rode again yesterday, i think i can do things differently and it will certainly be hot enough to swim later and i can do my minimal weights here in the interim.

That last paragraph was not on any rails, nor the one before, i am skating around the truth and it is time to focus on something i can deal with;  happiness will have to wait.

Much later in the day, i ate a lunch which while good left me bloatted, swam which left me bloated, but feeling a little less guilty about it.  I think I am over the past, but one lovesong seems to put me over the edge, even one that went onto my playlist more by accident than design.  

It is very comfortable out here right now, I am alone except for acat that does not like to be bothered any more than I would right now, it is relatively quiet, machine noises far in the distance for the moment, the temperature is about perfect so i have not put my shirt on which just means i can see how bloated i am, it is not a pretty sight; but i have seen worse, probably will see worse and if i sit up straighter it is not so bad.

I cooked these chicken thights (bone in 400 degrees 45 minutes) with 1/4 inch potato slices under them and brocolli which was a little over the top for lunch, but i had to cook this stuff before it went bad and I ate an avocado with it for the same reason.  That would not have been too much but i was still hungry when i finished so i added nuts and a yogurt with too much added sugar, a cheap brand I need to take off my list.  That was over an hour ago, it is 3:00 now and perhaps i will just eat fruit for dinner although i am always ravenous after swimming.

The pool water had dropped below 78 this morning, was back to 78 when I swam and was comfortable for all of that.  The 2000 yards barely done included some hard swimming and left my stomach in knots, bloated and mixed up.

There is a storm headed to the gulf next week and I miss the past so badly it feels tangible.  I am where I am because pain drove me there and now it drives me on, far past where I think i should be able to go, a mysterious future is before me and events mock me, i feel abandoned by everything that mattters to me; but I also wonder if I did not abandon everything that matters.

5.27.22 current events

 The shooting in texas is an overwhelming story, but the story is merely the repetition of a story which occurs over and over again and will continue because there are no term limits.  Other things matter, but the problems with our government start there wherever they end up later.  The same can be said to be a cause in Russia.

That does not change the nightmare of the story and I don't want to address that since there are similar stories everywhere, everyday.  I stand with the world to some extent; what to do I do not know.  

This would not fix the lies and misdirection that some newscasters put out there, but maybe the audience would change.  

I don't dwell on these issues, because that is not my purpose here or in life, but like the war, this is a pervasive story and problem and horrible as it is, it is only as horrible as what people have to live with in Africa and what some have experienced in Europe.  People are horrible and that is the bottom line and they always have been and always will be and it makes my efforts to save people somewhat less pressing, although in a predetermined universe which I believe we live in we are all innocent after a fashion.

Having built my world around something which doesn't exist, it is easy to be cynical about things; and the horrors that bombard me constantly these days are no different than those which bombarded me all my life and which history shows to be the result of what we are as a group, which we can blame on predestination; but which is still a horror show.

Now on a "brighter" note, I watched the depp-heard closing arguments (call it a masters class despite teh issues with them); and I will admit I saw very very little of anything else.  Depp has quite a legal burden and while I have seen quite a bit of what might be both sides and there is a lot of "hate" that i have heard about; I'd have a difficult time of arriving beyond a reasonable doubt (not the standard) that an alcoholic didn't ever do any violence even if there was no evidence one way or another; although I don't mean to say that there are not peaceful drunks.

Did the two short bike rides to work and back, now I have to walk the dog.

Will I come back here?  Perhaps, perhaps not.

5.26.22

 The rain is supposed to stop later today. Soon it will be time to recut the lot for sale.  A little irritating it isn't done yet.

There is a lot of rain coming soon and today is a full day of work.

I need to go to the gym although I am a little concerned about monkey pox, the new thing, it would love all the humidity here I suspect.  While swimming is "enough;" I'm not doing as much swimming as I should be doing (by at least 500 yards) but you need a balanced workout and it is a little too hot already for bike rides alone to supplement.

5/26/22: Without this morning's rain there have been 23.78 inches of rain as of today this month, 6.41 inches of rain this month and there is another inch coming this morning before things clear up.

The rain has passed, I think my extra inch estimate was high, it did look bad when I made the post. Who understands rain?

I had a fortune cookie which said I was going to die ("All your problems will soon be gone") which is a little depressing. The first time I've gotten that bad news. It is the proximity, the imminent nature of the end (soon), that makes it so poignant. Perhaps since the end is here I should just swim again today rather than torture myself with a bike and weights which is what I should otherwise do. If I make it that far, I can ride in the morning, perhaps.

The swim, since i was going to die anyway, i swam 1200 yards im and 2000 yards finally and barely, it looked pretty terrible and i should have done the bikeride, but it is done and i have done it and for what reason am I doing all of this anyway? I do not know.

I may return to this, but time is not my friend right now apparently.

5.25.22

Professor Kliq is my band of the week.  If you don't like the song, then it wasn't meant to be.

The rain apparently continues into tomorrow, last night was a gully washer.  Will I be able to swim?

This heavy pollen which is very different and maybe another stage of development of the lighter pollen is surprisingly heavy in the pool, but I think I am keeping up with it despite my reservations about the robot's performance. 

I appear to be allergic to something, my nose has been running really bad.  Could it be this pollen which seems so solid and heavy?  Mold?  The absurd humidity.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiH9edd25Bc

https://www.justice.gov/usao-edva/pr/ceo-pleads-guilty-defrauding-multiple-federal-agencies

The dog is back under my feet, not smelling particularly well, I'm going to have to get up soon.

I swam, fearfully, between thunderstorms; again only 1500 yards which is not enough, although I swam parts fairly fast and did finish up with my intensity minutes for the week and it was better than nothing and badly needed.

I got a card from my daughter, just a nice card, nothing special, but it is something that is useful to put things into perspective. 

And it is a good thing indeed that i swam when i did because the rain and thunder has returned in earnest.  I wonder if the rain will always belong to you.

5.24.22-the most beautiful day

Fortunately swam again yesterday, still a short 1500 yard work out, but did the 400 ims which made it more challenging.  Today, it is storming and I should lift weights; we'll see if I make it there.  Despite the rain, I wish I had ridden my bike today because it seemed like a good day for it.

Thunder, light rain and nothing.  I have to walk the dog again soon, so this pattern matters.

Still no word about NM.  How does that work now?  What is the reason?  It has to be about more than romantic sun rises and lonely sunsets.

If I needed to remind myself there is more than one kind of beauty, I'd just need to watch this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEQxEJ5_5zA

And one of my favorite applications: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UW_3Ye7i-Ks

It's too bad real life is so little like the movies.

And songs like this are why we should be young and together:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EjpdxXiyVQ
You seriously can't say that isn't a powerful beat.

5.23.22

 It was good to have lunch without having to take out a future mortgage.  Still waiting for the other shoes to drop, lots of work to do in the next 23 days, a good reason to be happy about the lunch issue.

I have been happy about the swim yesterday, i don't like the look of the weather, although it barely looked better yesterday when I swam.  For now the wind has kicked up and the sky is very dark, there is a humming sound which is haunting and leaves blowing everywhere and water is beginning to drip into the pool which is not as clean as i'd like it.  I opened the window and the breeze is pleasant; i am far under an overhang and the chances of rain in anything short of a gale reaching me is pretty slight.  The pool has stayed clear despite a lot of debris on the bottom and what appears to be a dying robot to clean it.  I need to get a white board to track the maintenance.

I need to walk the dog soon, probably there will be a percentage chance break at 2 although the particular system isn't being reliable, the same problem i decided to face yesterday when I swam and which worked out.  I was considering another swim today, but not so sure about that.

To the left of this screen which includes emails is my calendar which shows why i can't write as long as I'd like.  To the right the open NPTE 3rd edition, something which I need to finish and which is not getting shorter at 77 pages.

I have to do a chapter on the swastika, not the German one, but the Indian symbol which seems to be so much a part of the math whether by halves or wholes and it makes me wonder what the Indians knew thousands of years before and what was coincidence.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swastika.  Much appears coincidental from the drawings here because the otherwise obvious transitional spirals are not present in these representations.

That the earliest version is from 10,000 BCE is fairly staggering, but it is not the AuT version although they are all the same in appearance from a distance.  It is, however, close examination which is important.

I spent the morning taking care of email issues, both what needed to be sent and what I received and doing a massive cleanup of my calendar.  Starting at 6am and going through noon it left me feeling that I had started enough that I could take the time for lunch plus getting stated on this.

Classes:  I have a number of videos and classes to watch.  We could have done this together, although I suspect you would have taken the time for your own work or to learn knitting or, more appropriately, gun cleaning.  It will take some time to get through this list and it grows longer every week.  However, having taken some initial time to look at them, it is clear there are some parts which are far behind this journey I am on.

Ah well, the time of effortless walks when we could talk and love seem as far behind me as the first appearance of that Indian symbol and the dog has come down and is looking at me so I suppose it is time for my afternoon break.

This swamp was once a beautiful lake hidden in a forest, fed by a spring that was ice cold even in the middle of summer, where I learned how to swim to what is now a circle of wrecked posts, but was once a platform far into the center of the lake, a goal for a young child learning how to swim.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXr2EFomFkU

5.22.22

 21k and 16k steps the past 2 days with full sets of stairs. 

A lot of 2s to-day.

I feel my project is moving backwards this weekend but next week things will pick up although I am waiting for a couple of shoes to drop, the small nm question, the big one looming ahead in the distant future although still not fast off a thousand things to do, to think about, to write up. 

I dont like to travel much anymore.  too much covid, too much walking, too many deadlines with negative consequences, but when it is necessary, i feel like i can do it again, but i am very worried about the number of superspreader places where i found myself, glad i got the fourth vaccine even before it was recommended.  The next week will see whether i pushed my luck too far.

Back in the pool tonight, first time in 3 days.  only 1500 yards, did my full 1k im, but only in 100s which doesnt get me intensity minutes, but it felt very good although i had to be worried about getting electrocutedthe whole time since i could not hear lightening and it rained the whole time, although lightly.

There is so much to summarize, so much i did summarize, so much i learned about what is next and perhaps who is next.

This may be shorter than it should be, but it is.

52122

 it is so hot, globalwarming hot.. it is weird to think this is something that i can deal with or that i can design a solution for.  the fight i am having to make over this is irritating, illogical and even hateful. I am worn down if not out.

i dont have enough clothes, so i rinsed out some which likely wont be dry before i need them tomorrow, but it was wroth trying i supppose.

Today was not bad but nothing went the way i wanted it, everything was  a little more disappointing.my favorite part lying down alone after the shower and writing to you. The fact that you were mentioned did not shock me although i was caught off guard because of the impression you made, that we made together, that everyon can tell  what is there, what was there, perhaps the global warming will kill that too.

i am uncertain what to do about things because there is too much uncertainty in things.  I find myself unstuck, unable to identify who i am sometimes, prhaps more often than not.  I suppose in this new reality there is nothing of me but my work,  the human part is gone.

It's taking a long time to recover if like to sleep for a week. That must sound familiar. I have time to rest next week because there is no rest this weekend. 

5.20.22

 Being careful about what i eat, but digestion still playing some massive tricks on me.

This will be my most expensive month in quite a while, but the bill wont come in entirely till the middle of next month.  Not expecting anything to happen in that time period, but it remains possible if not likely that something will break loose.

There is little question in my mind that the high expenses are worth it for now.  That it will get more expensive in the coming months is to be expected; but i am not going to look at the costs till next week since what happens with them is inevitable and a choice.  If it turns out too dear because the science or timing isn't right it will be decided in a tomorrow. 

Things are very small and very big here, an Alice in wonderland vibe of there ever was one. There's a lot of action too but my day starts at 430 so I will wind down soon and put this thing to bed. 

Good night sweet princess. 

There were no questions answered today only more opportunities to ask them. 

51922

Fires in the Gila fogging uncertain plans. Questions and answers.  That being said, I will learn what is possible on that front next week.

I'm going to see our friend ilya, perhaps he'll have some unique insights into the red menace, although the topic at hand is something more vague.

No rude or menacing comments this must be better but not for me. I swallow my pain and anger. 

I lined up the immediate work I need to do.  There are 8 specific grant targets although with duplication it probably drops down to 5 write ups that need to be finished.  At least one of them is fully written and most of the others are largely finished.  Another way of looking at this is that there are 7 specific topics and 2 general topics that can be considered depending on how easily this can be done.

More than you want to read i suppose.

Today was not an unpleasant day although it was busy and filled with challenges i did not need and i got my steps in but no real exercise and it is late and I am tired.  Today also contained all the fears of the future, both in terms of the problems that are before me and the problems that will be before me in the future without a great deal of the good news that often accompanies those things.

It is, however, Thursday and there is another day tomorrow without, well without whatever and I am afraid of being in the desert alone although i am not sure why it bothers me more now.

The next morning`s update (Fri. 5/20).  Slept surprisingly well.  For once my watch allowed me over an hour of deep sleep.  It is fairly late for me, 7 and i am just drinking my coffee although i have not eaten yet and have been out walking in the cool northern weather for over an hour.  I should have stopped several times to eat, but little was open, surprisingly and in the end the place I was told to go was something of a bust for me so it is 2 hours after waking and i am just now sitting down to a surprisingly good cup of coffee and a 2.00 bottle of water.  I have this deck all to myself, it is a good place to work.

5.18.22

My eyes hurt, but I have a little more time to do the bare minimum.

Perhaps part of the problem is that I am satisfied with the repairs on my car for the moment even though they are striking.  It is good to work with your hands.

My vision is playing tricks on me.  I can barely see what I am typing.

There was good news on one front, even though these things in the future stretch on interminably.

At the same time that deal in north of my mother's birth state appears to be in a state of confusion and collapse although with so much uncertainty it is difficult to understand.

I made an initial stab at some necessary repairs to the house, but ran out of  caulk long before the need for it expired.  It may still be enough since the remainder requires a different type which I may have I think.

I swam a mile, after so many days swimming in a row it was not easy.  The sun was hot, but the water cool.

I am trying to get clarity on going out west and at the same time waiting for results from 1000 things, but three out there in particular.

I see that though it is only may, the storms are coming.

1. The war confuses me and I worry for those who are the most worthy of concern if one goes in for all of that in a predetermined universe where my work means nothing no matter what else it means.

 One of the opening avenues was the TIPP/directorates NSF engines Regional-Appears to be all india-american driven.  Makes me happy I filed in India.  A very weird program and another example of things being drawn out too far.  I am now 3 years into the grant process and while much has been accomplished, much learned and the potential has grown from where it was by a substantial amount, in terms of applications and grant possibilities, the lack of success is frustrating.  

That partnerships have been established to pursue these at multiple levels are great, but may be inadequate.  I have to accept where I am which is not a terrible place to be although I continue to run out of runway and the pathways to deal with that have to be put in place.

5.17.22

It seems some days like nothing is going right.  Had to swim again to lower my blood pressure which was causing headaches, however slight.  924 strokes, a little closer and 22 strokes per minute a little harder; but it was the stress that hit me.

I backed into the driveway too fast and cracked the rear view mirror housing so another 30 or 40 minutes was lost patch that together.  My car is essentially held together with bailing wire at this point in time and the need to get to the body shop is a little higher than it was.  That being said, everything is working for the moment and after a fashion and I think the electrical is all sealed in and even the adjustments on the mirror functioned so it could be and probably will get worse.  My car is a metaphor for me, except that I can't put bailing wire to myself.

One of the grants processes closed, but that same one is opening up.  While time is not my friend, I at least have a lot to work with and I finished drawing out electromagnetism which was surprisingly consistent with what was previously predicted which in a day full of frustration and heartache was reassuring and encouraging.  I had predicted this feature and described it but had not done enough math before now to be able to draw it out.

NM opened up today, but how am I supposed to take advantage of that with this?  It remains uncertain, there are fires, a war, it is a probability, not a certainty, "apparently are going..." and it is soon, a little too soon, a couple of weeks off, perhaps a month.  I have not had time to think about it.  I might have to take the beat up car, I'm not sure it could make it up the hill, it would be beat to pieces.  Now is the time to buy another car, but the things that would free me up, the closed door opening, the land sale remain elusive and while it remains possible in each case, within the time frame provide seems unlikely.

I need to begin to wind down for the day, the swim lowered my bp to a livable level, tomorrow there is more to do than can possibly be done and somehow I need to find sleep tonight between the disappointments and excitements.

5.16.22

 Computer delays this morning.  Then there was a response that needed to be done, more work because i am overworked.

I am exhausted even though I slept all night.

The coffee is broke, it didn't work.  Oddly, my watch started with over an hour of deep sleep, then it updated and dropped this down to 6 minutes although the total went to 8 hours. How is this possible?

Lancing a boil, that is what I was looking for as a metaphor for the satisfaction of seeing the clog freed from the pool.  It was much like that.

Yesterday there was a monstrous lightening storm, the sky was literally electric, it was not one bolt of lightening after another, it was a sky alight for a constant period of more than an hour.  there was resulting damage I saw on the way to work although none of it impacted me directly.

I was so terribly upset after lunch that I had to swim to lower my blood pressure. A mere 28 IM, although those minutes come dear in swimming, and it was the equivalent of 2000 yards with the full im workout, not to be confused with the intensity minutes.  A stroke count of 874, I probably need to get that up to 900; but probably by adding minutes and not strokes.  At 21/min I believe that is the same as I experience in a pool and when I am focused they are strong strokes in both cases.

I was very angry at the dog for getting out of the back yard, but later realized the yard had been cut this morning so my anger was muted, but I still replaced some defective boards adding some security to the yard which was necessary and I should have added more, but it would have required more effort than what I was up to with my exploding blood pressure and anger.

I do have answers to the questions I have been asked, but they have been given and given before although I can understand the mystery that still surrounds them.

There is a wealth of work to do, more than I can possibly get done in the time allowed so I will finish with this and hope things are better, that it is not too hot when I walk the dog later, that I can somehow get enough work done to justify my existence this week.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2022/05/16/1098756739/a-substance-found-in-young-spinal-fluid-helps-old-mice-remember

51522

It is the middle of May.  I made arrangements for June 1 yesterday which should take me out to July before I have anything significant to worry about in the general order of business.

It is 8 and although i woke up at 5:30, I slept further through the night than I usually do last night, perhaps a consequence of going to sleep exhausted.  I just finished brushing the pool, before the rising sun would render it hot.  It is not a terrible upper body workout with some dips to scrub the black algae that will eventually require I repaint the pool, probably something for this winter since the pool is generally clear and under high use till then and perhaps I will be moved and the house sold, the pool filled in, it is almost big enough for a tennis court if you took out a few bushes and the oak trees that I need to cut down anyway, accidental growth trees too close to the pool.

Next week will be a difficult one, but then things should quiet down somewhat.  Of course, something always comes up. 

I spent the morning before it got to hot doing yard work, mostly taking out more of the vines that want to choke off the yard, like you have done to my heart.  They are easier to cut away than you are, but equally thorny.  I have a few scratches where the vines fought back, perhaps there are lessons in there for us.

It was hot at the end, but it is done and doing something mindless takes me to the work at hand.

Where am i?  Ahead of my alma mater?  What would you say about that?

CleanTechnica: Tulane Scientists Develop Powerful Family of Two-Dimensional Materials. https://cleantechnica.com/2022/05/10/tulane-scientists-develop-powerful-family-of-two-dimensional-materials/

And this is an area where I am so far ahead that it is irritating. https://www.techexplorist.com/fundamental-property-magnetism/47358/

And where am I personally?  Where is the out I have been waiting for and working towards for so long?  Why does it hold me like the deeply buried bulbs from which the thorn vines grow?

5.14.22

 Up at 4, so I had a second breakfast (after a 2.5 mile walk) at 10.

Been working steadily, but the amount of work and the need to understand it better is complex, none of the diagrams work right.  The concept is there and its written up, but something is missing and I am not sure what to do given the time frames.

It is much later.  I had to take a break, it has been week on, weekend on for too long.

Swam 1500 yards, felt a little under the weather, but had a friend who was not doing well call me.

I used this as an excuse and drove to the island to see my friend who can barely get around, had to work hard to get him to go out to eat and had a very good piece of fish, something almost certainly fresh from the gulf.  

It was getting dark when I was driving home, with my eyes and having done all the exercise and up early, I was exhausted and was thankful for the light as long as it lasted in the thunderstorms in the distance which entertained me.

I thought that I badly wanted to call you, even checked for messages for an excuse, but in truth I wanted to be with you and could not have handled a broken heart.

5.13.22

Fed pets, made coffee (slow because grind is too fine) and ate an apple all before 5am.

Eventually I will not sleep at all.

Today i plan to swim or ride or both, but perhaps just swim.  Much depends on the demands of my work, office, whatever.  I lost much of yesterday although i cannot complain with what i accomplished or at least finished.

A dream faded or perhaps it was a fantasy. I am uncertain.

An hour passed.  The dawn has come in earnest. it is already light enough to ride to the office and will warm up soon.  The bike riding decision is upon me, but i still have a little coffee left, although the strong single source ethiopian, a little too fruity, but more natural flavor has me amped up a little too high not to ride.  another 10 minutes or so.  I will come back to this.

I did both rides (only 7.5 mi total) and a one mile swim.  I didn't mention but within the last couple of days I had the satisfaction of seeing a partial clog in the circulation system clear.  I went to do a standard check of the circulation and saw the out of character full basket and upon emptying it saw that old material from a partial clog was out which will make the whole system function much more efficiently.  This is likely something from the winter when I was out of town and the pool was not maintained.

The swim was nice, an opportunity after the two rides to cool and clean off.

I'm trying to recover from a couple of bad meals yesterday and had a very nice lunch as well as an apple for breakfast which was much appreciated by an abused digestive system.  It will likely take a couple of days to undo the damage even though it was not much.

It's later, after 4 and the exercise is beginning to take a toll on my ability to do work and this weekend will be one of constant work and perhaps it is time for a break to pick up later or perhaps dealing with just drawings till tomorrow.

5.12.22

 Today started out f-d up, the internet was down, the power company dropped a pole onto the internet line and just left.  Very weird and the pole is heavyand just sitting there.  Would be pretty difficult to move.

There is a lot of deck work to be done to make it safe. Considering this since the deck is nice, but it seems to be rotting a little.

I did an early walk (2.6mi) this morning, the sun comes up in a pretty serious way around 6:15, but I was able to complete the walk below 70 degrees which is nice for this time of year.

I had to do my presentation by pad but felt OK with the outcome. Not great, just ok.  Bookclub problems because of covid, well have to address this later. 

Very disappointed with current situation. Keep telling myself I don't have time to talk anyway and that progress is being made but I am beginning to think I am talking to myself. I'm wasting time here. 

Tired and unjustified and unhappy. Going to shower and sleep.

Id say at least the war seems to be going well but what does a win look like against so desperate and despotic and well armed an enemy?

Even so, 

5/11/22

 Time is absurdly short right now.  I finished the paper edits that absolutely needed to be done (30 additional pages probably need to be added), but now they have to be entered and after that starts the hard drafting work which includes taking the new technology and incorporating it.  It is a nearly impossible job for a large team of scientists, much less for one person.

What do you think of the emotionless, well relatively speaking, blog?  I could tell so much, but I am not sure what to do until the next shoe drops which could happen tomorrow or never.  I am told the chances are "good" yesterday.  What the hell does that mean?  Too close to emotion or hope or whatever is supposed to be missing?

I got 159 intensity minutes yesterday, more than a week's worth by 9.

Where are you?  Is it going to be me then who ends up alone?  It would make sense.

171, a mere pound away from my absolute target weight, that whole thing with the over exercise, controlled eating (you've ruined my appetite), the heat.  I may be getting too personal again.  It is hard not to slip into that.

Is there anything sadder than someone who goes to an exhibit on Archemedes alone?  Perhaps not, but it was a nice trip back to ancient Greece.

Interesting historical perspective

And after that came Archemedes, interesting.

Syracuse?

Archemedes was obsessed with balance.  This shows two separate effect to achieve overlapping spirals is it a coincidence it looks like a heart?

Back to work.

5.10.22

 I edited my post right up till I slept yesterday.

I thought about weighing this morning but is is 5am.  I did get 7 hours of sleep which is enough for me if not my watch.  I rarely use my watch to measure my sleep because i take it off most nights (the monitorig lights flash bright green if it is not tight and tight is not a good idea for me) but interestingly the last few times i have worn it i have gotten no deep sleep.  This worries me.  I have plenty of disturbing dreams, but oddly no deep sleep.  Before this was limited to 20 or 30 minutes a night, never an hour; but none makes me wonder.

I had digestion trouble, mostly from the yogurt i ate after dinner which otherwise was fine and which i dont know that i really wanted looking back on it, a manufactured desert.

the rain has stopped again, the heat has come, although it is cool this morning and i could walk or ride to work today i think.  There are reasons to do neither.  it is dark and quiet outside, although the birds have begun to sing, perhaps because of the lamp on inside.

There is much to do yet even having fed the animals who like being fed this early for whatever reason.

It is 11. I rode my bike and stopped by the overly religious coffee shop for the first time.  The door was locked but they opened it saying "they were praying."  If not for the religious aspect of this, I'd say it was run by two very Christian lesbians; and personally I don't think god would mind if it was, but different people look at these things differently and I really have no reason for that belief other than they were very nice.  Roasted and Grounded (https://www.randgcoffeehouse.com/ from a chapter in the bible). 

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

 Now I have spent a lot of time thinking about how god thinks and I have found comfort in religion even though my beliefs are colored with the crayons of science, so I am not being flippant even though I have reservations.

The coffee was good, but I only took a couple of sips because I had a 1/3 cup of coffee before I left and I really had only wanted to stop because I pass by it every time I ride my bike to my office (coming through the back parking lot) and it is sort of a neighborhood coffee shop and I was not altogether certain they even sold coffee.  I would have liked a cinnamon roll, but I'm pretty fat right now.

5.9.22

 Much of  the potential of last week is being broken up, put off.  It is a reminder that there is much to be done without the resources necessary.  I am p. 51 of 66 which is good, but it means that this modest target for the weekend was not met despite focusing on it.  Of course, there was exercise and sleep and the distractions that go along with a complicated life.

The pool is blue and largely clear this morning.  I only have a few minutes to write today if I am not to fall behind, so i will post this and come back later if time allows.

Pacing:

It is 3:00.  At 11 I looked up and wondered how it could not still be before 9.  I did get several things off of the calendar.  I started the edits to the presentation for thursday and entered perhaps 1/4 of the edits which should allow me to begin to finish the application due now in by 5/22 (impossible task given what it has to cover).

Had an important conference call, the solution I developed for fiberglass is not known at least to the expert that I am working with.  That is a big plus, whether it will last or not.  I have 48 pages to edit if I finish them, although I think I'll have to focus on where the deadlines live and not what I'd like to do if I had the time to dedicate to this.

Got excellent feedback on the presentation, but the work that it entails will take time, a big part of the morning went into that.  I have a couple of emails to return on this which are direct to the goal at hand.

I have to go swim so i can refocus, eyes and concentration both shot otherwise. 

Only 1500 yards, 30 minutes, but it did the trick.

The church bells chimed 7.  I just finished (before second burnout) entering the edits.  I have another days worth of those edits 20 pages left to edit and enter and then it is time to begin to finalize things.

This uncertainty between us is difficult to ignore, although to be honest i have had precious little time to think about it.  The sun is filtering through a cedar tree, the namesake of the street, a sad relic of another time when mirror lake was cold, clean in a wild sort of algae covered bottom way where i learned to swim and never imagined i could live in a house like this one.

I want to explore these feelings in a desperate sort of way, but I have to get the work done because I cut off another  head of the hydra today which means two more to deal with.

5.8.22

I didn't weigh, but I walked and swam 2000 yards.

It's been a full day too much to cover here but there was one thing important enough to share. 

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-61370906

 Another article just for me to think about.

https://www.sciencealert.com/new-eye-drops-can-help-us-continue-to-see-well-as-our-wear-with-age

I hope things improve, but it is important to rise to the moment and the world has a young churchhill for a moment and we should embrace that and rise to the occasion. 

https://youtu.be/CVlEkBHO_hc

5.2.22 through 5-7-22

5.2

Feeling better this morning as expected.  It was strange to have that reaction sunday and my arm is still sore, not as sore.

I have been working for an hour, it is 6am.

I am drinking some coffee i am not impressed with although it is single source ethiopian.  maybe it will taste better after my shower.   The drought continues.

need yearly maintenance on car, dealing with massive expenses this month, but when i look at where i am at i realize is it pretty minor stuff, just a lot of work.

 How crazy do things need to get to match this thing between us, or perhaps the fact this thing is not between us.

https://news.yahoo.com/putin-inching-towards-nukes-threatening-152000734.html

https://taboolanews.com/summary-page/-66682065559719796?utm_source=taboola&utm_medium=taboola_news&dc_data=17703574_samsung-carnival-us-att

Ok, that's crazy enough. 

5.3.22

Today was exhausting, starting at 5 am.  Intenstity rose and fell as the day went on, but the medium was very high. Decisions were made that had to be mad even though the costs were prohibitive.

The inadequate legal filings continued and edits were made where necessary to ongoing filings.  This month will reflect out of pocket expenses two or three times for all the prior months put together and the fact that it can be maintained for now indicates just how well other things have gone, but it will be a trying period of time over the next few months while other events take place.  My long term perspective is fine, the long term validity of the current expenditure, even through october of this year is unlikely.

I walked 3 miles and received no im yesterday, around 30 for a pretty full 2000 yd swim when the pool was up to 77 but it still felt cold although if i could do a comparison i would note that the lowering of body temp was medically significant compared to what happened today. 

I have a few days of less intensity now while I wait for the results of the last few weeks;  but i have tons of work, too much in the next 18 days and it means i will have another inadequate document to file, but it is interesting material.

5.7.22

173.2 yesterday evening, since I weigh a little higher, perhaps this is high, but I think a collection of events might make that more accurate.  Perhaps tomorrow I will update it.

Today I did 2 bikerides (9 miles total); lifted weights; I am tired now.  Before I rode, I topped off the air pressure, 20lbs low which is significant.

It is almost 5, cooler in the shade than the 87 degrees my watch assures me is the case.  When I rode earlier it was cool on he way to the gym, cool enough in the shade at least on the way back, but it seemed much harder when I was doing the ride than my watch indicated.  

Since the last pool update, the temperature is up to 80, maybe a little higher this time of the day.  The water is clear, there is some lingering cloudiness despite a week of high chlorination.  Today should have been a swim day, but I needed the weigth bearing exercise and I willl swim tomorrow to loosen up the muscles that are not used to that intense of a workout as I have been avoiding the gym because of the covid plague.

The birds are noisy this evening, a chacopheny of different sounds.  I thought I saw a flash of yellow earlier, perhaps not. 

I want to talk about you, but perhaps not tonight.  There was some conversation about the limits of personal involvement and while things are in such as state of transition, i am not sure what i am supposed to say; not that such thoughts have limited my expression before.

I need to get back to work even though I am tired and would prefer a nap.  Sleep will come soon enough with the darkness.

5.1.22

May 1, May day.

I got a second booster yesterday.  it was the first one that hurt when i got it (needle size?) and my arm is not as sore this morning.  Storms may interfere with swimming, we need the rain.

My property is cut, i hope that helps it sell, it is 350 per cut but that should lead to a fairly normal looking place.  A surprising number of trees still up.

I did not wake as much as i usually did last night, maybe two or three times the whole night.  At first there were no dreams, then a dream about two people riding motorcycles through some weird mashup of india,, italy and war torn china, strange roads and trails, strange buildings; i cannot remember the purpose or the desination this morning only that i walked into some weird building at the end a cross between a parking garage, a hospital and an office building. Slaves.

The dream that preceded waking up, involved a grocey story trying to buy groceries for this home but with you and someone else, a nice looking tall person who i cannot identify today.  Getting separated as i had to go  back and leaving you with the nicelooking person to check out with the things that were bought and going back to get food items that did not exist, called in from home, a solid garlic ball for grating, small, I'll formed,n rotten bananas, getting to the checkout and you were already gone.

From this I woke up to feeling that something had broken between us; that we were finally separted in a way that did not have a path back to where we were.  All the months and agonies had finally constructed a wall. Why my arm doesnt hurt so bad, perhpas something else hurts worse.