93022

 I have to look for a number this morning.  It is a strange thing to have to do and to be able to do.  Also this morning Ian the hurricane will make its second landfall, this time in nc.  this is as bad as hurricanes, a Katrina level event when we do not need more chaos right now.  But i have my number to find, so there is that.

I have a call to make also, but it is not so important although it should be.  I managed to finish all those things which absolutely had to be done yesterday but a dozen more rose in its place.  And yet as I sit here typing, drinking my coffee and waiting for the sun to come up, all the need tos take a back seat to reaching out to you.

The fine structure constant: 72973525....  It may not be exactly that because of failings of preaut science; but likely is like pi something that can be found and if not found right away, soon enough to include in this post, then perhaps i can find something close enough to explain it; something that i have already that approaches it like a feature of the denominator of pi where i would expect it to poke its head up.

And maybe it does, I'm not too sure.  Pi for 1 (as opposed to a numerator of 4) is between 0.785876174 and 0.784921065.  Technically, the FSC is .072973525; but maybe we can ignore the .0 part of this since that is primarily a scale element and the Pi for 1 number is 93% of the FSC number; a significant deviation, but one which likely reflects the additional curvature in the universe perhaps.

I got in the hot tub yesterday, the first time this year as i was cold. I did pretty minimal exercise yesterday although  it was still hard.  I did manage while putting the final touches on my evening and folding clothes manage to get my steps in; whether assisted by the elliptical workout or not i do not know.  I should have done weights, but things are so very busy right now.  The pool is more or less officially closed for the season, time to order the pump, drain, sand, patch, seal and repaint it.

When i talk about people catching up by accident, i see them doing so.

This was a scary walk back in the day, but it was really not very far and the trail is clear.  It's been a year since I was at this place at this time.

I did some heavy yard work, post hole digging, chain saw work and it reminds me that the hernia surgery, now scheduled, has to be done.  I know it will take a long time before I'll be able to do this heavy work afterwards, so I'm doing what i can now.  My back held up fine, although I did some stretches afterwards and my days as a longshoreman are far behind me.

I want to talk very badly, i cannot fight, so much is going on.

I'm going to post this and go walk the dog because I have gotten everything I am going to get off my desk today and I don't want to leave this open.

92922

 Storm stuff.  Strange messages, 17 dead or the deadliest storm to strike Florida when a deadly one killed over 2000.  It makes no sense.  I don't like to get into politics here, but a prominent and wealthy politician living in Florida had the tone deafness to ask for political contributions he doesn't need while his fellow statemen suffer and have needs he apparently cannot imagine.  Enough of that, but how terrible people can be.  There is this: How bad was Hurricane Ian? So bad that at least 35 Florida Waffle Houses closed (msn.com)

Moving fairly slow today so far. like the storm.  I've done a lot but I cannot say it's been efficient.

This came up on my feed even though it is several days in the past plus 12 months; so i made a youtube video I could share with you. https://youtu.be/QVVhpgqeRcc

I don't know what happens next, I am slowed down at every step; but I have a great deal to do and every journey begins with a first step.

I did the elliptical and that was all today, my hernia bothered me so I did the yoga that goes with it, but it wasn't very much and did not help very much.  There is a program that starts at 5 and even skipping a program in the middle, it has been skipping over sharpened metaphorical knives from one program or deadline after another.

I have 90% of "something that can be filed" for the next deadline coming up, a distant deadline that was easy to deal with was dealt with today, and the next 3 days will be focused on finishing the grant draft and uploading at least one version.  It is a challenging schedule, but it is a schedule.

I'm not getting much out of this seminar, but some of it is critical to what I am working on so I hope the slides are made available; but I'm not sure how this works since it is the first meeting of this type.  I'm making notes for my papers, one more set of work to finish.

It is getting late and I have not eaten dinner.  I am not hungry but I feel like I should eat something so I am going to post this for now.

92822

 It's actually still 9/27/22 as I type this.

Florida will be whacked by storm, things looking grim for one of my many alma Mattas.  I'm setting up my surgery tomorrow, probably.  Other people will be hunkered down; but the models all seem to say we are spared.  Just as well, I have a lot to do.

Did 4 workouts although the walk wasn't that much, two bike rides and weights were a lot.  Oddly enough still didn't get all my im for the week, go figure.

Wed. morning still very early.  Slept fairly well after all the exercise, troubling but often pleasant dreams.  Cannot remember all of the parts well.  I had an average of two "units of exercise" a day after yesterday, which is  why I would buy you a watch.

Cows asking where you are a year ago today.

Live 24/7 Multiple Cam Coverage of Florida as Hurricane Ian Approaches in 4k with NWS Tampa Audio - YouTube

I expect to come back later, but that is an interesting, but time sensitive web link.

92722

I was not very efficient yesterday, although I did get some necessary validation from third parties, have some important calls for tomorrow (yesterday calls for tomorrow a phrase worth considering) and was able to send out some emails and get some language which is important over the last few days and which hopefully will come in the next few days.

 I am an awful person.

It is delightfully cool out this morning and all i can think about is how nice it would be to sit outside with you.  What is wrong with me?  It is so easy for you to move on, it is so easy for everyone normal to move on, but i have to live like a tragic character in a Shakespear play, ruled by my emotions without the benefit of logic.

I swam yesterday, with this cool weather, my swimming outside days are numbered.  I have seen multiple high 50s weather and just one day (today) with that low depending on the weather service which is weird, but the weather is delightful, summer is gone, winter is coming

I will call you iiiif it is the light purple, a sign that my heart conttols the weather.  For a storm brought us together and perhaps another tore us apart.  It is no wonder my life is torn so badly asunder that i cannot find a way forward.

This is from yesterday, but there is one similar today, an outlier which goes as far west as new orleans in one of the models; although the general concensus is that florida will be weather cut in half by this storm.

It is early, not yet 7am but i am going to post this and perhaps i will come back later in the day and update it.

92633

 I'm interested in 7000 year old roundels more than current events. 

Woke up this morning tired, but got to work.  Had calls till 8:40 at which time I picked this up.  The pool looks better, but seems to be generating inexplicably large amounts of algae, this may have to do with the misapplication of phosphate removal chemicals, although I don't really see why this far down the line.  It looks a lot better, so there is that and it will soon be time to drain it.

I ate a salad and a frozen pizza for lunch (the whole thing) and was ill as a result, even though it was a fairly small pizza; could have been the arugula which was a little slimy (turning green); so I swam 1600 yards, surprised myself doing all the im, but I still feel queasy, just a banana for dinner so far.

I walked the dog, but only 1.5 miles, the shortest walk in some time, but I am pretty ill.  

It is the new year, perhaps my diet should have changed to match that and i would be better.

What could I say?  I spend too much time attempting to come up with a way to speak to you.  How can I explain this?  I do not understand you or even my own feelings.

This is a picture from tonight, the beauty of the sunset during my too short walk.  A natural poem and beauty which I cannot share and which is lost forever to me.

92522

 Now it is time to look more closely at october.

Those deadlines are upon me.  Half finished documents, help that is intangible, maybe invisible.

if impossible, why all these other ineffectual patents, this is a question of doing anything by targeting what was invisible before.

I work fast and then i wait.

The storm named ion continutes on its path.  a very few of the links point to no now and wednesday at 8am it appears at least possible that someone close to me or myself will be gathering candles and matches.  I have to go back to the hardware store, a generator and gas would make some sense, although replacing the whole house generator would make more sense, time doesnt allow for that, nor do the odds this season require it although those could easily change.

Did construction and heavy yard work, hauling and working with a chainsaw. Got some intensity minutes even. Took care several big projects.   Pushed myself pretty hard, planned on swimming but took a shower and may take the rest of the day off and do back exercises just in case. 

Picture of the day (from 12 months ago); the "flooded" bridge.

Wednesday should be interesting to wait for.

This is the "goofy" track apparently, but it is one that is professionally posted, so who really knows.

My cough was much better today, probably a significant improvement although the day isn't over yet.

It was a long and difficult day, I am quite tired and I'm going to vacuum the pool.

It's going to be a quiet night.  The pool is vacuumed, although it is a little too cloudy to tell how well it will look, i made a stab at balancing the ph, will take a while to be sure, the chlorine is about right and I added fresh tablets, the others being largely exhausted, like me.  It does look a lot better for the moment, but how clear it will be in the morning remains to be determined and I am just putting off the inevitable until it cools off.  I wonder about the coming storm, if I knew we'd get a lot of rain, I'd probably drain the pool and deal with the sides; but it is a busy enough week without that and I have miles to go.

92422

 There is so much to share.

After all the exercise yesterday i felt largely cleansed unlike the pool which was clear, but with quite a bit of algae on the walls and bottom that would turn it to murk if stirred up, something i do not plan to do just yet, as i look to the possibility of rain next week, however unlikely today, and draining the pool before thanksgiving to try out whatever comes next in the various methods, all of which include patching the bad spots, perhaps patching compound will be necessary over wide areas and i need to have the materials to do that as well as special pumps but as i have learned, getting the right materials and equipment for a job which would be very expensive to have someone else do and will give  me quite the project while i wait for the coming surgery.

Had day old awful coffee this morning, still drank most it.  Not sure why.

Overslept for the first time in forever, not sure where that comes from.  soon i will go to the gym because it closes early for football today.

i don't believe these lost days will be recaptured, that someday in the future i will be free to do what i want and will somehow be able to find happiness in the lost time which i cling to here.

30 min on elliptical plus 15 min of weights, because think of reasons why you can instead of why you can't motivational poster in water closet and separated wood for fence repairs. 

The 9 Greek Muse

I cannot out exercise my problems, the difficulty reading this as I type it, the exhaustion which exercise does help, but not enough, the cough which seems to be gone and then comes back, the absence and separation.  I fell asleep outside in the heat after the exercise today, that after sleeping over 9 hours last night, but I saw an article that said covid hates getting enough sleep so I can call this an experiment.

12 months ago there was a fair amount of terror in even the shortest walks, the very non-threatening walk to the mines was scary alone in the wilderness.  I walked down to this strange thing off the road,

 12 months to the day.  It was just a short distance from the house as this shows.

  You should have seen it from the road and how funny it was when I went that short distance.

I was going for long walks, just staying by the road.  This was one of the first "risky" (not really) variations because the gleam of this in the distance intrigued me.  I am looking for you in the distance, but I don't see anything, not even where to step next.

Moving west, hmmmm

9.23.22

 Spring has arrived.

Ii rode the bike today, the tires were low on air but couldnt bring myself to face the time loss or pump noise so the ride was careful and slow; but i did 7 miles and was given a 20 hour rest by my watch at the end; my arms felt tired after two days of swimming.  I suppose i will walk the dog later, it sounds exhausting.

Well I walked the dog and it was hot and exhausting although there was a delightful breeze when it came.  I kept it below 2 miles (1.8) which is the shortest walk in some time, but the bike ride, heat, hernia, etc. and the dog has been and continued today to seriously drag.

Worked hard this morning for some time; but it seems like there is more to deal with than there was before and this new doe grant is going to be complex.  Work is growing exponentially, but so is opportunity.

I did see something cute, the pilot for bewitched.  Imagine after all these years to see the pilot.  It is one of those things which was a pleasant diversion from everything that is otherwise crushing my life.  Like i am telling you something you havent experienced, although honestly i never thought the stakes would get this high and i still cannot believe i have to do this alone.

A year ago today:

You don't necessarily want to see my laundry.

Another sunrise we never saw together

A hungry humming bird (best zoom in for that one)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKVBxuFbEyg

92222

 A momentus day, 9, 8.   a countdown perhaps to oblivion or something worse.

Today i get to put my money where my mouth is after a fashion.

I also get to test some of the tell me a story stuff.

How much i wish we could take this trip together, where success would have meeting and failure would include the solice found in your arms; but it is one that i have to do alone.

Platforms and what they have for answers, intermediary steps and giant steps to save the world, they both start with the conversations today.

A fiery sunrise 

It is late in the day, i had to rush in a one mile swim with dinner so my insides are a mess.  The meeting went as well as could be expected, and things will move forward at least for a while.  It left me working till 5 and being on the phone after that even through eating i was busy so it transitioned without any relaxation to the swim and leading to the way i feel today.  But I did get some drafts done and the future appears clear before me, but still stark, i have not been able to eliminate that nor would it be possible without you.

92122

 10/11 is a new deadline, 10/8 is the next one.  There is a lot to unpack there, the 10/8 being fairly easy and partially done and maybe with help.  On 8/2 these were consolidated in one place which may make things a little easier to deal with.  That was only a month an a half ago, but given the 20 days that remain, a lot has to be done, i will not wait a week for the potential help, although i have to continue the project which is well underway of rewriting and responding.

The 10/11 will take some time; but it is rewriting and not writing and there are levels of support which remain uncertain but could be significant.

Maybe it wont matter, the talk of nuclear war has probably never been more terrifying or more illogical.

The image above is from 9/23/22; for some reason an earlier image from 9.21.22 did not take.

I am getting close to a tipping point; although it has not gone too far yet and there are chances for things to improve in the near term.

It is no wonder i woke to another nightmare and was up at 5.

This nightmare had to do with buying another house while still owning the one i have and ending up with two notes.

Right now i am a little overwhelmed by things, but this appears temporary and there are too many options to ignore.

I am a frigging genius.  I started a windows 11 update an hour ago and if it doesnt finish in the next 5 minutes, i get to attend an important seminar on an ancient computer or this this pad.

Got to work on the stuff due in 2 weeks, made progress, but not sure that other things are not going to shit.  Oh great, updates are underway.  This was a timing error.  At least i have my backup system which appears fully operational

I have an operational system i think.

The no iv starts with jazz music, it is a very no thing and i wish i could share those few minutes which is a nice thing to go with alll the scary stuff, about no and the end of the world gnerally; and just when things  are happening although i cannot say going well.  Tottally busy, stress and in need of support.

Enough of that for now, tomorrow is another day.

9.20.22

What a night of nightmares.

Only walked yesterday, pool looked terrible and my hernia decided to act up.  I am in a position to take care of it now; just checking references.  Then 2 weeks without exercise, i suspect the tension will kill me in the surgery doesn't.

This is the second or third sunrise alone, how haunting it looks today.

Later in the day, the dog's mood matched my own as we sat and contemplated a future that we both believed was within our grasp, but which turned into an illusion.

Last nightmare was tied to the presentation Thursday, subconscious was not overly active.  I was in a college classroom and the teacher didn't show up and realized i had to give a lecture on my science and i was trying to sketch some notes on the blackboard when a substitute teacher showed up and that part ended and the real nightmare began; after going to eat and something happening; maybe the class of 100 people showed up we left to find another restaurant and i was left to pay for drinks and paid too much because i couldn't get a ticket; not really a nightmare, but then me and one daughter were dropped off by my brother for some reason at another place in a foreign country overlooking a beach, a crowded place with people from all over the world; and they disappeared and the phone wasn't working right and i was more worried about the daughter than me; but i was getting more and more aggravated till i woke up.

There were other nightmares too, but that is the one i ended the night with, the others not even whisps of memories as i take my first sips of coffee at 5am.  I'm busy today, but i'd best spend some time going over my presentation even though I live that stuff.  It is surprisingly complex and i am not certain that all of the newest work on time dilation is fully in my head although i did do a video on it.

The whole energy as pretime change thing within a range is also a part of the time thing, change over time being, after all, a measure of energy.  That is an area where I wish I could spend time, but that is why the absence of responses on grants is so frustrating.  Weirdly, the most rejectable application was found responsive.  My mind screams.

I missed that yesterday was international talk like a pirate day.  The missed opportunities in my life stack up so high they threaten to fall over and crush me.

What i wouldn't give to talk with you about the weather.

91922

 Starting today at a doctor s office, at least after clearing weekend worth of email and beginning to follow up on information from the weekend which is intriguing, doubling opportunities in one area.

from a year ago today, a bit of lonely serenity when there was enough time perhaps.  is there enough time left, would my attitude, would my life have been better had I returned?

on the tv is all the burial nonsense of the queen, a country clinging to something which is is outdated.  I have to get a second opinion allegedly to this simple surgery which id like to get over, although with the inverted yoga i have it "under control."  Note the quotes as i am uncertain as to what under control means in this case, it continues to exist.  The doctor recommends it, he apparently does these in an assembly line.  That is probably best.

Today i really need to focus on patent responses, but there are dozens of things demanding my attention including the latest round of grants which are all targeting the same issue which allows a 3 for 1 although they have little chance of being allowed  because of ignorance; although that gets to the response and book writing so it is a 5 for 1 in that sense.

My throat continues to bother me, but it is certainly better today.  I may swim, but there are workmen at the house.  I'm spending time today watching videos that don't apply well and are repetitive, should have done this over the weekend.

I think I am wasting my time for so many reasons.  Its a busy week.  The question remains am i wasting my time.

I think perhaps the better question is this:  how do i find serenity in my life?  Or do i try to save the world or just look for serenity?

It is all so confusing and I have 7 interviews to do by sunday which isn't going to happen, i'll be lucky to have two that are not really related.

Thursday may help things out, but what a very long way i have to go.  you know what i want to ask, i suppose.

91822

 Not much happened today. Near crazy conflicts.

Despite this, i feel like i am likely on the mend, it is hard to tell.

Next week will be busy and important, but few signs that it will be significant.

It is one of those days that begs that no post be made; but maybe not.

Tomorrow will be the beginning of a new world just as tonight is the end of the old one.

Fox News: New Orleans becomes murder capital of America, overtaking St. Louis.

https://www.foxnews.com/us/new-orleans-becomes-murder-capital-america-overtaking-st-louis

Where am i supposed to start life or continue it.

9.17.22

 Early morning.

There is a lot to do today, but it is overshadowed by the sore throat which could be getting better or worse. I had dreams tied to events, methods and flirting.   I even got a kiss in my sleep which makes me wonder if the dream girl will get a sore throat too.  There was a play going in in one of the dream scenes. It was a complex dream that is quickly fading to fairy dust as they usually do. 

None of that made sense and it makes less sense today.  The coffee is not terrible, that is the best i can say for it.

Pumpkin spice mushrooms, don't eat!

Shoes are falling apart.

Despite the sore throat walked almost 5 miles today. Probably dehydrated and certainly tired and my shoes are falling apart in case you're looking for something to buy me. 

My phone isn't connecting to my watch usually requiring a restart and then I'll know more but I did get my steps and did 100 pushups although I didn't go down all the way on most of them going for the number in sets of 20.

The exercise and heat and sore throat are catching up with me. Not doing well. 

 

9. 16 .22

An old picture 

An old fractal view, before I knew enough to realize it. 

 Past the halfway point of the month. Throat hurts, probably from swimming in green pool. 

Tired of being sick and yesterday culminated in one of those scenes where only threats of horror kept me from running to where I don't know. 

Today there is a quiet truce like when 2 combatants are worn-out and out of ammunition. 

And if I could retreat would there be a place of refuge?

9.15.22

 530 this morning, the cats forced me to get up.

It took me 30 minutes to get to my coffee.

I have a lot to do this week and it is gone so that may or may not happen.

I think i can do the book now, but i move slowly.

There are some hints of light outside.

What I was hoping for from today has not materialized; although what I was expecting from today did.

An early morning walk a year ago today.

It is later in the day, exercised at the gym, first time since covid, brushed the pool, perhaps next week it will be drained and sanded, ate too fast and my stomach hurt through the workout.

No real news on anything.

9.14.22

It's early afternoon. Taking a late lunch break,  surprised it is already after 1.

used leftovers to major a Mexican Fiesta to celebrate the new mexico anniversaries that keep showing up on my phone. The weather continues to be excellent. 

The weather has been perfect here, go figure. 

There is the picture looking down the road from a year ago today.  I think my friends were still there then.  Interesting how much has resulted from that trip and how much did not happen.  I cannot help but want to go back under different circumstances and whether I am close or not remains to be seen.  I should have spent this summer there, but events intervened and then covid.  Now it is too late.

I walked 2.5 miles and did a 1600 yard swim with all of the im.  The weather was beautiful and even though the swim started cool, even it turned out well, the water temp still holding at 80.

After the big lunch, not very hungry but I need some dinner, so I'm going to look into that, I'm in this NO thing which I'm guessing is a waste of time and money right now, although if it opens the avenue to the power company it may not be so its an educated risk.

I'll know more tomorrow, even though it may not be better tomorrow.

This weekend will be complex and unpleasant.

9.13.22

 Yesterday at work it was finally dry enough for the long put off repairs in back. Still much more to do back there but the easier stuff is done. 

I'm calling this supportive of Ukraine.

Food Pic

Every bit as delicious as it looks with lots of hidden stuff 

I don't want to admit we can't do this even if you've walked away forever and even if it is grossly impractical for me, there has to be some reason to save the planet. 

It is good to see some drought relief from a hurricane in the west.  I see hurricanes headed this way and long to share that with you as with everything else.

I handed off the two responses for the moment giving me a day or two to breath, not necessarily because i will get any help, but because the first drafts are finished and it is three weeks or four till the next deadline that i can meet almost with what i have.

I coughed through a 2000 yard swim.  The weather was delightful, cool even though the pool has hung onto 80 degrees.  It was hard swimming.

This afternoon was filled with online meetings which all i had to do was listen to so it was boring and gave me time to do some things which distracted me more than helped me.  It numbs my brain even more than the swimming.

cough cough, tired of this.  I have something i need to share with you but i cannot which is aggravating, but we will see what comes of it.

9.12.22

 From yesterday plus a year

Pretty sick of this post covid exhaustion thing assuming that I'm not just tired.  

Had a good morning of work, then just about died.  But I couldn't work so i walked, was hot and very hard and the hernia was an issue (didn't stop to do the yoga to help till i got back) and that hot difficult walk brought me back to life.  I've been working since, but I had to take a minute for this.

It was a temptation to call, but what could I say right now?  I have a lot, but my focus is on the future and not the past and until the future becomes the present, I am a liability.  To both of us.  It could certainly be different, but I cannot go that far back, I can only back a year and a year ago the present was closer than it is now.  Indeed I feel like it was very close indeed and at price which was steep, but perhaps not as steep as the price was before and less than it would be today.  But it would have been easier to pay it with some promise of a future.

I would rather be saving elephants and rhinos from extinction or just sitting with you and waiting for the sunset in some pretty spot, but my life has not been mine for many years.  It seems to grow less so as I get older.

I long for the desert and the freedom that went with it.

91122

 911  it is also day 200 of the ukraine-russia war.

For the moment we can argue that ukraine is cleaning up, although there is plenty of reason not be complacent.

You will never know how badly I miss you.  I am, however, certainly too old for what i am doing, rewriting physics, building fusion power generators, trying to deal with the inconsistencies in the modeling.

Pretty sick in terms of having a nagging cough and swollen glands and getting tired and strange tastes like leukemia after 2 weeks,  I may be too old to ask someone else to get used to my getting up 10 times a night and more during the day.    In the morning it seems to be gone, so it seems to be tied to being tired, needing sleep, and i have stayed active.

That being said, I swam 2000 yards today with all of the im and enjoyed it more than it was a problem.

Next week is coming on quickly.

What titanic shift occurred that made the desire, maybe even the need, to share everything to this introspective look at the world and what would be required to get back to it.

I am not sure i could call it a betrayal even if i were to stretch those terms to the limits unless i was the one who betrayed things.  But is it some perceived slight or something that originates in me?  I did take some real chances and embarked on something emotionally which limits my ability to be happy in my current situation, although I doubt i  could be happy in it anyway.

i came up with a mobile version of the tunica thing; although I would call it a one in a million shot although i do have more contacts here.  

While I feel good about the science and while the fractal modeeling gets stronger in some places the whole transition between fpix and fibonacci has become so clouded it is hard to imagine and this raises questions in connection with the overlapping spiral model and potential modifications to that which also raises issues as to how dimensional states build and i aggravtes me that i am still doing this by myself.

I know that it looks like a one way conversation, am i talking to your or myself?  I am not sure.

Why here, why now?  Maybe this is why and maybe neither of us says enough or maybe I say too much and you have nothing to say that hasn't already been said.

John Mayer - Say (Official HD Video) - YouTube

Despite the strength of my work I cannot be certain that anything will happen and certainly not the next week or next month type progress which would create the reality that I would like to force on you; but unlike you i have no choice but to continue the way i am going and hope for the best. 

tomorrow is monday, i am not ready for it, but it doesnt care.  I am sure i will write more, but today is a difficult day in many ways and i would share what comfort comes from knowing how deeply i am committed to the past and how much i want to commit to the future despite there being no reason to be optimistic.

91022

 The great thing about "defending the model" is that it is a learning exercise.  The first part is a close in examination of fpix and the Fibonacci series which questions the very existence of one or the other, although fpix is a no brainer.  I wish I could get more info on the accuracy of this originating with me.  That just seems impossible.

I've asked a couple of people about that, no response.  Very irritating.  Of course with google I could find it myself in probably 5 minutes.

The pool is better, but still greenish, partially my fault, although I am not 100% sure what I'm supposed to do here other than drain and sand and patch and paint it.

I am not getting support from anyone, not even you, but then who should support me?  But getting back to the point, is it possible that fpix originates with me and how can that be possible.  Then the next question is does the Fibonacci series come into this or is it a red herring and if it does when and if it doesn't how do we deal with pesky math problems that come up in its place.

A homework assignment is to recheck fundamental forces and their strengths and origins against the two versions of the model.  My initial calculations confuse the numbers somewhat, one works while the other does in some other places and while the two are not mutually exclusive it would be better for my arguments if one fit perfectly.  I have run into some theoretical problems and solutions here, the solutions primarily coming in the form of fpix dominating at least in places over Fibonacci.  And if Fibonacci drops then where does that leave things?

Getting back to the original point, the response is the opportunity to look at these things closely.  It is a multi-screen undertaking because so many different aspects need to be reconciled.

A year ago I was on this roof helping to fix the air conditioner.  It could have been fun.  It could have been tragic but I wish it had been something and I wish we were there today.

It is hard to believe that I have not yet gotten to the memories where I had to initially start posting support for Ukraine.

I am heartened by what I see but also very worried because of all the potential problems that await the world due to this idiotic war brought on by one of the most selfish and wealthy people in the world who for whatever successes he has is also one of the most dangerous and idiotic himself.  I keep hoping that democracy and logic will break out, but no signs of it yet.

Need to get off of that.  I am tired even though it is early and I have more that I want to do today.  I wonder if I should fill the hot tub up or wait longer.  There are some cold evenings coming up.

9922

 77

cough cough

when the sun finally comes up i will be able to see if it rained and if the flocking worked, i am guesing at least some of both.

non productive cough that did not keep me up at night.  irritating.

I would say it has very little to do with being sick at this point in time.

I hurt my back between my shoulder blades, it is a minor thing, like the cough.  i wish i had someone to give me a backrub.

it is too dark for you cats to go out, i am afraid, you will just need to complain.  Winter is coming and soon the pool will be too cold to swim in and i will be going back to the gym.  I am not looking forward to it, but it is inevitable.  Things are happening around me, none of them what i want.

The deadline which was largely optional came and went yesterday.  

One more missed opportunity; but it tells me what i am up against.

I am busy, dealing with this list: cash, grants, designs, responses, new patents, meetings, law.  I ma have the answer to the doomsday glacier and no one is listening.  It is ironic and laughable; why am i frustrated and crying.

I have some meetings coming up that i dont have dates and times for.

My capabilities and requirements are going up too fast for me to keep up and i am not sure what i am supposed to do about it and i doubt if any of the programs will provide me answers unless it is in the for of a grant and for whatever reason i am being denied that without a logical reason, i am being cursed with emotional responses to a logical problem.  I am trying to save the world with something you can prove with a hand held calculator and everyone is fighting me and no one is seeing me.

I have some resources, but not enough and i am waiting for responses and the opportunity to do more work for nothing.  Fortunately, i have some help in this now, not enough and not in time ore reliable but i have it.  I have deadlines that i am dealing with and i have time to deal with it; but i need to increase the resources i have sooner rather than later.

Ok, all of that was before the text.

What do I write here now?  I am working through some stuff, i do not have a particular answer all I can say is that the right things have been said, not for the first time, but with what I would call less emotion and more consistency; but it means nothing so i have to deal with the reality before I deal with the texts of the world.

None of that means anything and even if things go the way that I suspect they will; i can't say what difference it will make to either of us.  It reminds me a little of the king of england.  He didn't marry the woman he loved, but he was lucky enough to end up with her despite the absurdity of the entire royal family thing.

What does any of that have to do with the price of tea in china and what is the price of tea in china, anyway?  I could go for some tea right now, I have some decaf so there is that.

I can't post a picture of dinner, i flocked and vacuumed the pool and during the vacuum process I made a boxed dinner although I had a rather healthy, fresh and delicious salad with it, the overall dinner was photogenic.  The pool looks much better, but without draining and sanding it, that black algae from when i was out of town, oddly enough something which happened 12 months to the day from today, will prevent the pool from returning to its previously green state.  Winter is coming so that will likely happen soon enough.

I wish i could offer more than that, but again, if NM wasn't an option, i am unsure whether whatever happens in the future will be any better.

9822

 The queen of England died today along with a lot of other people. It is a big deal.  record heat in California with rolling blackouts but it was 69 degrees when i woke up here this morning.  Walked dog to work to celebrate. 

slept well for the first time since getting sick, although i was gasping when i woke up early in the night and i am coughing a little now.

(Removed and added to response)

And so an important claim is written out in a blog post in a particular way the first time.

I finished the first draft of the first part of the response. The need for funding looms large but I know where I'm going. 

Pool needs flocking I fear..  That process is begun, but it is temporary until it is sanded and painted.  Much to do there.  Too tired to think about it for now.  It is supposed to rain which will allow me to use rainwater and not city water to deal with vacuuming it.  I am ready for all of that, it will be a busy day tomorrow.  A time is set for two hours of circulation but i am a little short of flock so we will have to hope it works.

I know what you are thinking, what kind of pool boy am I anyway?

It's been a long day, bought 150 dollars worth of groceries, it cost 250.  Must be very hard for people, i listened to a news story on soaring prices.  Gas, at least for the moment, is down to 3.00 a gallon at the discount places.  I finally got the battery for the fob I needed, glad to have that out of the way.

I am going to post this as I have done a lot and have a lot to do including some math.

My stomach hurts like something worse than just being sick but my appetite is good enough and it might be the strong cough drops or even the covid. 

What do you like better, the dry factual posts or where I share my feelings which all to often are about you.  Or perhaps they're always about you. 

9722

 Your life you shared with me was more real than my own. 

I miss sharing everything.  I recognize the voids, you may wish I didn't share so much.

I slept late, it is after 6.  I woke still having the cough i went to sleep with.  a parting gift of the disease, like a heartbreak.  i did not cough much when i was sick and the cough seems to get worse although i can deal with it.

What is space, time the edge of the universe, dark energy, the solution to Zenos paradox; all the things you gave to me.  No multiverse, but instead a universe which gives the exact same result no matter how many times you restart it, i always love you in every one; you always reject me, nm remains empty except in the time of dinosaurs.

Does your psychiatrist get you to forget, hate, ignore or nothing me?  Nothing-ing a person comes from somewhere else, but i wish i had come up with it.  I would not want to forget.

I wasted an hour today, but I got an interview so it is a loss but not a complete one.  No insights or anything like that.  Moreover I think all the talking stirred up my symptoms, although I am not coughing.

My eyes are driving me crazy, the pool seems determined to stay green and I feel a bit of a relapse, more of a cold than a covid, but still infuriating.

I know i have to get a little less personal here.  

Power is out, swam 1600, all Im but at an easy pace, pool green and I needed to run the pump tonight but not without power.  Can do conference call tonight but barely have the power for that although it will likely light up between now and the end of the call.   I hear Power company trucks likely a transformer will be flipped soon. 

Well the power is on, the first meeting of the no accelerator was tonight.  i am not thrilled; but it is not the most terrible thing and my project is in the right box somewhere else, but not as close...to what?

It's run over, its rained.  I am going to leave and get dinner.

9622

 Dating again would be weird.  Everything seems to move too slow in my world.  How would you date if you go to sleep every night at 830?  Are there people who date at 5am?  Perhaps the bigger question is  who.

This week began yesterday, but it is more official today.  There is a fair amount on the calendar, including that program that starts there.  No response on that, but then life and death seems to be the only reason for that, but what is life without you but death?

In terms of sick, and keeping in mind that i have never been so heavily vaccinated against anything, covid was not as bad as some mild colds I have had, not as bad as the vaccines, perhaps.  Now I could relapse, the slight cough is still there, etc; but assuming a straight line healing it was not very much although most of a weeks worth of work was lost.  I only completely did not exercise for a couple of days, maybe just one.  

That i did not work or did minimal work might be attributed to being tired or a general fog associated with being sick or even just needing a break.

It is 630 and i have been up for an hour and i am halfway through a strong cup of coffee.  The big question of the morning is whether to ride the bike to work or drive.  Once I get to work, the focus shifts decidedly to getting the first office action response drafted.  This is a big job i would like to foster onto someone else, but it boils down to me getting it done and then worrying about everyone else doing their part.  I believe today I will be talking about claims anyway.  The 8th is upon me and while I don't think that is a huge issue at this moment in time, if they can be improved, then they should be improved.

I feel pretty good, obviously if i am thinking about riding my bike i don't feel bad.  I spent a huge amount of money the past couple of months; but my real estate seems to be going up and not down in value although that is not liquidity.

I do have a few grants to look at and the government focus grants are in my wheelhouse; but it would really help if i had  the funding to pay someone else to do that work despite the good it did to the overall project to be focused there.  Later this month I will be getting more feedback on that.

Well it is 11:30, finishing the first conf call of the day, others are being put off.  I signed up for the NO thing.  I suppose thinking about staying with you is insane, perhaps that place is taken, but how could I not think we should talk?  I was told i was free yesterday, but i am not sure whether this is true or just a form of manipulation which is too convoluted for me, so of course i turn to what i desperately need and it is not there.

I rode my bike to work and back.  I could feel the covid, but no coughing and the weather cooperated, unseasonably cool.  I have to walk the stupid dog later, but that is a problem for the future as I have a lot to do in the interim and lost a great deal of last week.

I got all my im for the week today plus a few from yesterday.  I am coughing, am i well or sick.  I do not think i am sick, i think my lungs are just messed up.  You dont have to deal with this or me and if i had to chose between my universe which is totally sccrewed up, but it meant you were in the one you want to be without me, then i will take this mathematical disaster; which could have been the music of the spheres.

9.5.22

 i am declaring myself mostly healed.  Still minor coughing, but i was never caughing anything infected looking.  I worked out pretty hard yesterday.  Am i ready to go to the gym?  I think i likely have to test negative to do that.

I am drinking coffee even though it is late in the morning, almost 8.

Passion.

I feel that most of all which is why i feel i am healed, its strength is fully returned and missed. Happy Labor Day Comrade.  I love you, it is the passion talking, it is not real but it is powerful.

Today I look towards the plan in more detail. I only have perhaps 5 years when i can headline this thing.  I do not know how to handle these short time frames.  I feel young, but when exhaustion hits me, it comes on in a way and a time which discloses my age.

 What i could not share with you if only you would let me and i would give up my science to have what we gave up even  though it would mean giving up the life that comes after ours. I have to deal with shot term problems.  This means continuing to look to grants which are at once a distraction and a tool to solve the problems that stand between fusion and the present.  I cannot sit and bemoan the problems that I have faced and fail to note that being forced to look at successively different problems has provided the solutions that I need.

My learning and my lack of success are balanced; but wealth of knowledge is not easily translated.

It is almost 11.  I have swam, brushed and vacuumed the  pool.  The latter something done much more efficiently, but it is uncertain as of now how effective it is; whether the pool  will be blue again or will continue this greenish clarity.  I am tired, my passions more under control.

I went out shopping, the pool is green, a lot of the vacuumed part apparently didn't make it out before i switched to recirculate, an so it will start again tomorrow.  It will be better than it was.

Today has not been one where a lot of work gets done; a little insight but I need to finish things and not think of them right now.  

It's early yet, but I suppose i will post this, if something particularly interesting happens i will come back but it seems likely to be a quiet evening.

9.4.22

 why are you never there when i need you?  Of course even were you there you couldn't be with me.  The positive test means that it may be days or even weeks before I can be safe around other people. How easy it would be to kiss you even now.

It is 9:15.  Just finished swimming a mile, did all the im and a couple of extra; wasn't easy, but it felt good to get out while it was early.

Pool still has that film of green on the bottom, all loose.  I need to get it up today but still waiting for that elusive rain promised for next week.  The swim was a little hard on me; but everything still worked.

My watch is only giving me credit for 745 minutes of sleep and I think it was more.  I have managed to keep pretty balanced workouts despite covid and being sidelined for a couple of days, or at least 1.   I have to wonder if I really have the virus still, but the test did not have a vague strip, it was a pretty definitive positive.  I do feel very good after the swim.  This is good because I am very busy.

Freaky. Feeling run down after lunch. Could go for a nap. Probably going to do some work eventually. Brushed pool to get algae in one place but need that rain to drain to waste. 

Rained a little but it does not look like it will last.  probably have to brush again later.   need another part.  planning on testing again tomorrow, feel better but may still be ill.  found myself in a comfortable chair snoring earlier this afternoon after lunch (greek chicken, hot potato salad, roasted vegetables and humus-sound like something we should be eating together).

I have not weighed in some time, since that 169; not sure if i weight more or lessss at this point in time.  Being isolated i cannot eat as much and i am eating healthier generally although not altogether healthy.

I am by myself quite a bit and normaly i would eat more, but i cannot get to food easily.  Being here alone i find myself working quite a bit but i also find myself reading more.  Next week i have to see whether i can return to work or not.  I can work by myself so maybe the office will open up to me and maybe it wont.

Day 7 since I first tested, day 8 since I first started getting symptoms last Saturday. The 9th day being sick. I assume i am still sick Despite all the activity.  I wonder if the exercise is helping or hurting. If nothing Happens I'll test again tomorrow. 

Why is it that I believe I'd know just what to do if you were here when I'd still be just as lost?

Not sure what to think of this one: https://youtu.be/tXLoP9iSU5Y

9.3.22

 is there some way to go back in time.

I'm exhausted and i need to be careful that it doesn't cause a relapse.

Ok, there was no rocket launch last night, is it supposed to be tonight?

I got 8 hours of sleep (barely at 8.05) which is great and I feel a lot better for it.  It isn't that I feel great, although I don't have any covid symptoms past a mild, occasional cough of the type i might have anyway; but i don't feel sick either.  I feel confident that i could swim, ride the bike, anything else today although this morning at 6am i am not inclined towards doing anything.

I did a fair amount of "movement" yesterday and walked all my steps and climbed all my stairs; still way under the new Mexico targets, but still did plenty.  I think brushing and vacuuming the pool counts as upper body work, look at the pool boy joke, right?  Now given the condition of the pool right now (not really my fault because of winter neglect (well that may be my fault) and what happened when I went to NM which was when the spread got really out of hand but there isn't any reason to consider that for the moment except as something that has to be dealt with as soon as the pool gets too cold to swim in.  Gad!  what a massive project that will be, although not a whole not worse than what I am doing at the office.

Speaking of the pool, the water is clear, but it is greenish which tells me there is probably a layer of algae on the bottom from it settling last night.  not enough water to vacuum it to waste, but it is supposed to rain later so we'll see how that goes.

Well, i vacuumed the pool again, this time to the sand since there was not enough for the waste which means a lot will just go back in, the brushed it and after it rains this afternoon, assuming it cooperates in that regard i will backwash it.

It is very quiet now.  I've spent a fair amount of time working on this whole climate change/fusion thing or fusion/climate change thing; i walked the dog, i ate a large, semi healthy lunch and listened to a cat snoring which was a very peaceful sound, this cat was howling to get out earlier.

I feel fine if a little tired, but tested positive.  I see where positive tests 90 days out are not uncommon.  This is very irritating after having escaped this thing entirely for more than 2 years.

I actually feel a little more sick right now, nothing bad or even limiting, just a slight sore throat the kind of thing that could real or in my mind.  I think probably not.  Only one serious day, I should be thankful if I have a minor infection for a couple of weeks.  I am sure you are happy you do not need to deal with this.

A minor victoryishness on my decision not to lover my price, the most recent comp suggests my current ask is half of what it should be.  Of course, there are apples and oranges, but this strongly suggests lower the price is not warranted, even if raising it may not be brilliant.

I'm going to publish this, it has been a busy day and I cannot do much besides read this evening and another day or two of full sleep and perhaps I will be well.

9222

 5 but I think ultimately my watch will show 8 hours of sleep. Everyone fed, coffee I think the swim helped with the sleep although I can tell the snoring must have been bad.   No symptoms to speak of. 199 intensity minutes so far this week and I'll at least walk the dog today. I'm not feeling proud but I made a pretty fair week with covid in it and can't dressings how much it helped to hear from you. Obviously so far nothing past lemon and honey was needed. 

Of course vaccines. 

It's later.  Been a busy day, did some gross things that would have been grosser if i waited, cleaned and dealt with this thing that does not work.

Saw a ghost earlier, in broad daylight, running after me or perhaps another ghost.  Always strange when those things happen.  They can only be seen in mirrors and the corners of your vision except when they can be seen some other way.

I really need to do the NO program, is mostly remote and it checks out based on the email i sent for where i am today and there is only this weekend to back out, three strikes and you're out, but this would be two.

Sometimes I am not sure how much free will i have even without illusions.

I tried some science on the pool which seemed to work a bit, I'll run the pump tonight but it needs something more, it can't survive indefinitely the black algae in the walls, that involves draining, something I've never done, sanding, waiting, polymerization, painting and filling with water again.  It involves winter and losing the pool which may well happen or not happen and will be after September.

I looked over the inhome test, but i didn't take it tonight, tomorrow will be soon enough.

I don't think a day will make any difference but I'm running out of tests.  I have this one and they are not providing more.

Most times i feel like i'm better, but it is pretty easy to imagine that the virus is all through me and just not causing symptoms.  I think it is just an exhaustion that i feel, something that one very long night of sleep would solve; but apparently i cannot sleep long nights, but maybe tonight will be different.  Just under 7 last night and i thought i had slept too long.

I did a lot today, but i have done very little work directly, instead just doing background work and getting ready for next week.

I had something else to write but it is gone, vanished like the ghost that ran after me.

The rocket launch is between 2 and 3 in the morning now.  i hope it goes well, although i am not sure how this kind of thing matters.  perhaps if we could watch it together we wouldn't anyway.  

i will post this, unfinished as it is, and i will look towards a different future. 

9.1.22

 September at last. I'm not in a hurry so I don't know why it matters. 

Just under 6.5 hours sleep,  this is a little ridiculous although often an hour or two gets added. 

Day 6 after covid. Tired as I was I was a little worried, but I feel fine today. So far.

I need you to talk me out of swimming, but by the time you read this it will be too late.  it is 90 degrees outside but feels cool tome which worries me even though the thermometer says i dont have a fever.

I have closed a loop this week, in theory, in writings, in patent filings, in ways that are hard to believe could still happen and which i have been wishing would happen someway but it actually has.  Not bad for a week i had written about.

Well too late to stop me.  I swam a mile, including a full im workout, go figure.  never really heated up, but i think it may well help me sleep.  no real problems right now with coughing even though it did not fully relieve the pressure in my ears.  

 I have felt pretty good considering everything.  Not 100% sure I am well.  Have taken it pretty easy today after starting to work at 430 and getting all the stuff out I needed to by 9:30, actually a pretty full day.  Had a very pleasant phone call today, got into the NO accelerator (just found out) and I am wondering about that.  I put an application in before i started down the road with fusion and who knows what i was thinking?  Anyway, I am going to put off thinking about that until the weekend.  Today was sort of like a Friday and I have to have another Friday tomorrow and the start working through the math corrections which will be a whole new patent by the time i am finished, but how exciting it is to have fixed the continuity problem and in such an unexpected way, i wonder if that could somehow be extended to life.

It is late a lot has happened and i  am ready to read and see if the swimming will help me to sleep.  The dog has settled next to me already in his chair.  I will end tonight unsettled in the future as much as ever and wondering if the opportunity to find some other place is not within my grasp.