Last night i woke up thinking about you. Then i thought about a deadline and decided to move up dealing with it this weekend so maybe I could sleep. It's later now, so this whole thread is unstuck. Everything below was written early and now the sun is setting, although not set for another hour I think. I rode my bike, took a long backwards (from what I normally do coming back) route and took care of the problem that helped keep me up last night. 4-6 hours of sleep according to my watch. It took less time that I feared dealing with the problem and I found two places out of 3 where it was pretty important. I had cleaned my office inside and out and I did some additional cleaning, getting the paperwork organized and mostly off my desk which was nice and gives me a little breathing room with things. Plus a lot of the vegetation that had taken over the deck is gone now and since they are going to take pictures for insurance, that is a good thing. I may even go back tomorrow. Anyway I rode home and it had gotten hot even though it is November, a global warming November. I walked the dog almost as soon as I had ridden home so I was tired. I'm still tired.
I saw something somewhere on not giving up on something that you think about every day. The context is forgotten but when I read it and I think about it now, it seems to be about you more than anything else. i think about eating every day, but it would not be the same type of thinking unless maybe I had not eaten for several days. Even starving for a single day would only create a numbness which has long since been replaced with something esoteric and consuming. Would, if I was starving, think only of the meals I had passed up? I don't think that is the case.
It is 545am and I've been up long enough to drink coffee, to eat breakfast and to think for a long while on that deadline and you.
Yesterday I rode my bike to work in the morning, early but not absurdly early. I had a pleasant call which cold develop into something. I cleaned the office inside and out, at least out in the front, for the first time in a while, leaving it smelling of pine sol and bleach and raked leaves and earth.
After being home for a while, I began to get antsy again and even though I was tired I swam 1500 yards, the pool had actually gone up 2 degrees to 72 so it was not as uncomfortable as it had been yesterday when I swam a little less than 1500 yards.
What am I going to do? I tell myself that if I could explain things it would be different. I think that I should have explained things, that you would have understood. Pah! You very well might have understood, but you had pointed out a long time ago, there would always be something and so there is and so there was. I tell my if I can just live till June 7, the day after d-day coincidentally, then there will be nothing else, and I believe it, but I cannot believe that you will wait, that you have waited, that there is any reason for you to wait. I am trapped here, but I know that alternatives abound outside of the prisons I build for myself. Even more so without you. If I could just explain things. As if there was someone to explain them to. But that is so ridiculous, because words had become frustrating, you would probably be surprised at how much I was done with words, how much I am still done with them. I knew what needed to happen. There are reasons, good reasons. Reasons you would understand. Maybe. But the only difference then would be to know that if things were made right, I could eat every day and that is where the logic fails. If it were an option, would I take it? I tell myself it is your fault, always running away, never holding tight. That it was the right thing for me because you could not be depended upon to cling to me. Who cares? When you are starving, the only thing that matters is the next meal, not what you will do when it is gone.
Offering you explanations helps me, and I tell myself I love you. I don't love myself. I have made some bad decisions. It is hard to fathom some of them. They brought me to right here, right now. The things I believe are hard to believe. They defy logic, they are called brilliant one day, preposterous the next. But the only thing I really believe is that if I was with you, then everything else would not matter.
What could you have done, what could I have done?
https://youtu.be/ftpcloTDU5c?si=QaGnjVDjKiXPZMMp
