26 days to next deadline! apocalypto 388 and some poetry from 2013

6 more days of quarantine to worry about.  At least I have more information now and so far no indication of more serious problems.  Still nerve wracking and stressful.  There's no hospital nearby, but there is a clinic and so far no reason to worry, but it is a disease which shows its worst face at the end and that is 10 days away.  I would rather that it was me, alone and isolated, but we all have to accept what the future holds for us and for those we love, would you agree with me.  Would you rather know that I love you or be left to wonder?  Would you rather know I cannot stop thinking about you?  Nor could anyone else.  I hear every painful word, over and over again.  

I am setting things up now in earnest, the deadlines you see at solid and unavoidable and there is much to do, too much to do, in the allotted time, even with all of the help I have; too many problems to deal with too many things to learn, to many choices to make.

That being said, I managed to get out another grant draft today and do substantial work on a couple of other pending grants.  I managed to get drafts of the documents I need to discuss absolutely next week and the hope is that over the remainder of the weekend I will make progress on the backup documents.

What we did together, what you had me do, you muse; it is overwhelming and it is all coming together and falling apart.  How could I do it with you and how can I possibly do it without you.  And what a thing it is it rears up like some dragon before me.  Where is my knight in shining lingerie?  Yes, the world is mine to do as I want; and yet it controls me.  How is this possible?

I drank way too much coffee (had a coffee zoom meeting) so I walked the dog after the rain stopped which only made me tired but jittery so it was off to the pool, otherwise sold out this evening.

After the hard swim yesterday, I was just planning to do 500 yards and an im or two.  Ended up doing 2200 yards, pretty much the same way as last time because I had the pool almost entirely to myself and all that caffeine coursing through my system.  Gave me a lot of time to think and worry about us, a non-existent matter of great concern to me.

Had a couple of things to write down after that, then moved on to finishing the one long document I had not started that I needed tomorrow.  I did not get very far into that, wrote a lot, but not much organizing and almost no incorporation into the form of the lengthy report that was prepared for me, presumably to include.

I do have a solid start on 1 of 8-10 slide show applications and its off for review, something I may or may not get.  This weekend I need to get the one long form finished; at least I've done one now so I know what I'm looking for, and at least two or three of the slide shows.

Today I did a lot.  I also asked for the referrals that I need which I may or may not get.  The good news is that I had a pretty solid draft (in my opinion) of the one that I finished.  The bad news, I am no closer to you than when I woke up this morning.

Do you remember 5/29/13?  I cannot remember that day in May, but I know what was happening, I was in love and I was writing poetry and my heart was broken.  And apparently, I was watching Seinfeld.

May 29, 2013

How do some people
tell so well the stories
of love and loss
the ones we listen to
that take us back
to when we were
younger, together
when our hearts
beat as one together
and when we were
torn completely apart

Seinfeld did a routine about lovers becoming friends.  He said it was difficult because they knew each other's tricks.  He said it was like two magicians trying to entertain each other.
I wonder about two friends would were lovers becoming friends again and what you would say to them.  But there is a difference between love and sex.  One burns hot, the other tunnels deep.  Friendship can be burned by one and swallowed by the other.

27 days to next deadline! apocalypto 387

I managed to get one of two drafts sent today, with 27 days left, that is 1 of 10 at a minimum.  I'll be working through the weekend.

So you are gone for good?  It is awful to think about.  I have to ignore these things to function.  I did have an excellent time pitching the project several times in the last 2 days, but it is sort of our thing, I'm not sure it matters otherwise.

I was exhausted by 2, but felt some exercise was necessary, especially after the close brush with feeling sick yesterday (lots of sun and yoga before going back to work) and saw the gym was sold out for the evening options so I ran over thinking perhaps I could get in since I didn't know if the earlier class was sold out or not.

I had no energy, was thinking just a warm up of 1000 yards would be better than nothing given the hard swim 3 days ago.  Fortunately, they had room.  It was crowded, but I still had a lane to myself; still too close for comfort giving the breath that is done (deep breath, 3 strokes exhaling, deep breath).  I managed to swim 2200 +yards, 1200 im, including 2x400 of the not so great kind, but the last 100 was really hard.  Was worried I had broken something, but I am ok right now; I think and tired.

But I am very unhappy about things.

The covid problem is a long term one, I cannot know anything that is good for a couple of weeks.  There is only potential bad stuff.

But I swam 2200 yards when I wasn't sure I could get in and when I didn't know if I could swim anything close to what I did.  I am broken hearted, but no worse than you.  I am worried and there is nothing I can do but try not to worry.

During one of my earlier pitches, I left open the need to do a pitch which was long and most of which wasn't going to be used.  One of the left off pieces was this one:

Now an industrialist or power company might say, this technology is important because I can make money with it so I want to license it and pay a lot of money.  But equally important a humanist might says, "so the reason I want to kill or subjugate everyone who doesn't look or talk like me is because of an underlying algorithm?  Maybe I should rethink my priorities."  At least that's the hope.

I didn't send that, but I preserve that here and the longer part I set aside to include in one of the grants.

I don't know what else to do but to go on for now.  Things have to change for the better soon, the news is a news of science and I am grateful for that.

Here is the post from 5/27/13.   It is an early example of looking at pi, way before the importance was determined.  It has some Real insights:

1) space...when you go to infinity it ceases to have a logical foundation, true.

Rather than rewrite those here, I'll bold face them in the text below.

What is clear is that in May I had not formulated the underlying fractal structure in even its most basic sense.  I was scared and in love and thinking about this but also an entirely different future.  

Now, I am anxious, in love and wondering what type of future I should be looking for.

infinite series and irregular numbers in e-hologram theory

5/27/2013

The most troubling aspect of e-hologram theory is that it requires that we ignore space as we know it for initial theoretical purposes.  Space continues to exist practically, but when you go to infinity, it ceases to have a logical foundation.  this is observed as matter is looked at in less than plank distances where it appears to be something other than matter as we see it and we talk about waves and we talk about strings.
There are other, more immediate examples.  22/7 (pi) is a good example.  This number has aspects which are predictable.  A curve which meets itself should necessarily rely on a number which recognizes this curve; but the number is still a number and the infinite nature of the series.
Hologram theory should provide a basis for these infinite series, just as they are intuitive.
Dark energy has been predicted to be particles popping in and out of existence in what we'd otherwise have called empty space.  This is another equivalent in the hologram universe.  This can be the singularity affected with time coordinates corresponding to empty pace or even in less than all of the dimensions of space.  It could be time being exposed to dimensions and then not exposed to dimensions while being exposed to time or possibly being exposed to dimensions without the other aspects of time which is an intriguing alternative.
This so called dark or vacuum energy equivalent has to have some basis that makes it both logical and invisible.  Could it be that expanding time, that is time which has dimensions creating the impression of expansion, cause other tendencies to acquire time to fill what would otherwise look like a void with space?  If so, is there a finite amount of time so that the breaks would suddenly be put on expansion as space could no longer be filled with this type of time -energy or is there an infinite amount.  The former will give space an elasticity (if not a sudden brake); the later would allow for continued expansion.  If it is necessary to fill the void with time having that dimension, is it possible to fill it faster or slower to speed up or slow down the universe.
quarks and anti quarks (opposite charged) and other annihilation of matter is design of big bang theory.   Antimatter has been determined to exist in our universe.  What is anti-matter in e-hologram theory?  matter and antimatter are different-asymmetrical.  Anti-time might account for this but what is anti-time.  antipositron and anti-protons asymmetry as compared to matter quarks might be best indicator of how time attaches to tendencies or perhaps there are two types of tendancies in the singularity.

light carrying the past-looking back and conserving time

I felt bad earlier, almost like i was coming down with something, the plague?

So i had a conference call, but did not have to speak much so went home and found a place out of the wind, took my clothes off (mostly), did yoga and soaked up the sun.  I feel better now, watching the snow fall on a covered bridge in Vermont.

I also took some vitamin c and d just in case.

It is something of a relief to have a grown up in the white house.  The daily shock of the last administration was a little much.  I am surprised at how much it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Didn't hit a single number on the lottery.  That doesn't bother me because there were too many flaws in the approach.  Not sure when I'll pick that up again, but usually if I wait the answers come to me.  I'm excited about it, but there are things that are more important than money and what am I supposed to do about that.  If not, perhaps I can just exclude enough numbers to it can be won...that's an idea.

Another visit from covid has come into my world so i have more anxiety about that then I can handle; but handle it I must.

Not sure what is going to happen next, that is life.

God, another of these posts which was terribly far off.  Not this has nothing to do with what light or time is.  Good lord, how did I ever get to the right place.

may 26, 2013

A picture captures the past
Light is nothing more than a carrier for the image in the picture.
We are not looking back in time when we observe ancient light; we are only looking at a picture.  But light holds a special place in the universe, whether in o-space or in g-space.  Of course, light does not exist as such in g-space until time is added.  Time gives the illusion of speed and light is the fastest illusion.  For whatever reason when time is attached is moves no faster than the speed of light.  Since all speed is a fiction and function of time, the speed limit is irrelevant.
One circular argument is that if light is a function of awareness and if awareness is a function of thought as we now it and if thought has a maximum speed which is a function of electrical impulses; light is a limit because time is based on thought.
In traditional physics while you can exchange and change matter and energy, in any closed system; including the universe, there is conservation of mass and energy.
The equivalent in e-hologram theory approaches several thorny issues and one which we haven't gotten to yet and will not get to in this blog in its entirety.
I'm going to refer to this as conservation of time which is a theory, but not a stable of e-hologram theory.
First-matter and energy are tendencies to which time has attached in the singularity giving them the appearance of vectors (or dimension).  The singularity allows for everything to happen at once until time is added so in order to have conservation of mass/energy in our universe, there must be a set amount of time.  Since there is a finite amount of time, it must be conserved.
Time does, however, allow for increases in dimension which means in our universe time can stretch.  Not all time stretches the same amount and dimension requires that time stretch at different rates and without friction which is logical since friction is a function of matter rubbing against matter which cannot happen in the singularity since there is no dimension and hence contact is impossible.
Friction and all interactive forces, must be related to gravity which is the tendency of matter and energy to surrender time.
Energy has less frictional aspects, so it can be seen as (1) having less time or (2) having time which has stretch so far or retracted so far (one is just the opposite of the other to us) that it does not have the same tendency to combine with adjacent time.  This stretching or retracting requires a much deeper analysis that a Sunday afternoon blog allows so we will come back to it later.

29 days to next deadline! apocalypto 385

I am drinking a glass of wine after an exhausting day.

For the first time I took a serious look at the lottery using the AUT math.   And yes, I would have finished it in time to do more yesterday if I wasn't busy getting my feelings crushed; but we earn the way the earth treats us, the proof of original sin is death first, life second.  And no, no one else will get the lottery numbers, as yet I'm not doing you any favors anyway, just trying to find patterns that may not be there.

Apophenia (/æpoʊˈfiːniə/) is the tendency to perceive meaningful connections between unrelated things. The term (German: Apophänie) was coined by psychiatrist Klaus Conrad in his 1958 publication on the beginning stages of schizophrenia.

But the fractal patterns are there, I think.  And if not, then we'll see how things go with schizophrenia.

There is also this

https://asiatimes.com/2021/01/america-on-a-new-fast-track-to-fusion-energy/

The SBIR program is heating up

questions of competence instead of madness

which is a type of madness in itself.

My science gives me absolution

Reality convicts me

I see the bright side of our fights

because they highlight the love that is there

and it condemns me

because i have to hope for something better

I worked tirelessly for the last several weeks. 

 I have made some strides, had a few setbacks

 and don't have time to do what needs to be done.

I need more money a bigger team

and yes, i need you more than my science, more than the lotter, 

more than i need death to finally give me peace;

you don't think i want to say what mine is yours

but i think you know it

even if neither of us can admit it

 

but I don't have time for that

you don't either

you have to live life

I have to make this thing a legacy

to prevent its death, because of mine

but it is not the only thing that matters

you can believe that

and everyone can argue that

but the fire that burns in us hurts

but it is something that powers us

i took more than I should have

far more than you should have given

and you gave more than you knew

because nothing was bleak

until we sought to extinguish the blaze

Anyway, there was almost nothing to this post in may of 2013; at least it wasn't inaccurate

5/24/2013wordpress link for wordpress blog

http://en.blog.wordpress.com/2011/07/28/how-to-get-more-traffic/

There is no bottom

I was really low yesterday, the level of personal and professional frustration is hard to put in context.

I swam 1700 yards, hard, 1000 im, the 5 200s no 400s but still hard and I felt better afterwards.

today was worse.

Its a good thing to look into the mirror, it isn't always pretty.

A passionate fight is just a way to package passion and that makes it all the worse, because the love is there, along with the self loathing and regret.  The more passionate the fight, the more horrible it is to be forced to acknowledge the love.

I can live with my self loathing and regret because I have seen the bottom; but I don't know how to live giving that to someone else.  But that doesn't mean there is no original sin.

Its interesting what the mind dredges up when things get horrible, it is like there is a place where all the horrible memories are stored, a child seeing his mother die and his whole life upended.  It sounds like the bottom but it isn't.

When I was young, long before I was old enough to control my own life, I was put on an eviction crew.  Have you ever wondered what happens to people who are evicted, but don't move?  A crew of people show up with the sheriff and they carry the person's possessions outside and put them on the street and all the children's tears and anger and sadness have no effect on the process.  At the end of, someone, it was never me, padlocks the door.

So I have done something worse than whatever else I've ever done, even though it was not in nature to control my life as a child.  Perhaps there is a hell and this is it.  

So where is the bottom?  It is bringing someone you love to hell with you.  That's when you realize there is no bottom.

This is also all wrong, but there is a rightness to it, because time is at least potentially subject to control after a fashion, not change but time.  It is, however, a shame that this post is nonsense overall.

may 25, 2013the secret to apparent faster than light travel

Alas, the secret is neither new, nor particularly secret.
Since dimension is an illusion, one need only change time in order to move at any speed, instantaneous (apparent).
We know this type of time or this aspect of time if you would is within our control because we move freely (albeit at a slow pace) using mechanical, newtonian physics.
Einstein was correct in as far as he took this.  By truth or to mislead later men, he held fiercely to space, thereby limiting himself.  This is entirely reasonable given his limited exposure to projection.  Most of us, if not all of us, are constrained to imagine that space is an illusion, but this is what e-hologram theory suggests, it is intuitive (at least at black holes), and it is entirely consistent with Einsteins theory of events, now repeated so often I will not repeat it again.
This means that we observe in the real universe time being removed from matter at which point the time stops relative to time outside of the gravity or velocity and it being returned without a loss of coordinates in space.  This "locational memory" of time, at least when not completely stripped from a tendency give space the illusion of fabric (space time) but it is a function of awareness or time since it can be removed and take you completely out of space.  The corollary, of course, is that if you can exchange time with one set of tendencies with another set, you can move anywhere you want in the universe instantly.

31 days to next deadline! apocalypto 383 weaponizing

I used to be able to dig post holes all day long.  Now after an hour I'm pretty much done.

It was nice to get some upper body work, even thought that is a strange way to do it.  Maybe, unlikely, I will swim today.  

I'm thinking about using my math to predict the lottery results.  This seems pretty unlikely; especially without a lot more data that I could possible dig out, but it is an interesting thing to look at and I found a way to cheat the data out.  Of course when you cheat on the data, you mess up the results, but even so it is an interesting math problem and with the results being as high as they are it seems worth doing.

Now if only I could find someone who I trust, or who I wouldn't mind robbing me, in a jurisdiction where they sell lottery tickets to buy them for me....

This is post 2501, that is interesting isn't it?

I'm miserable right now, too much worry, too much to do, too many problems to solve.  Even the call which is coming up is unpleasant to me; knowing it is for nothing and now knowing why it is for nothing.  The life force is not strong today, because I don't see a way forward to what is important, at least nothing quick.  It is just a slow slog.

50-160, this is the number of people (minimum) calculated necessary to repopulate the earth.  It makes you wonder what would happen with only 2 and how it started with 1; but I guess there was never really just one, but perhaps at one point there were less than 50.  And other studies suggest 2000 so its all over the place.  It puts things in perspective.  How important everyone is in a crisis.

Did I say there were no more may entries?  There are many of them, even in May.  348 old posts still out there.  When I get to the most recent one, well when I get there you'll see a post that probably makes no sense.

One of those terribly old books I had had this quote:

What were you thinking of when you were her age?" "You," he said promptly. She became a little coy. "You hadn't even met me!" "Just the same I was thinking about you. Doggone it, I didn't have a very good life before I met you. Oh, I don't mean it that way at all. I had everything most other people did, but it just seemed that I was lost. There was nobody at all I could tell things to, or share with, and the first day I saw you I knew I could never leave."

What's the most important thing about the quote which follows?  It's that I didn't really have a complete understanding of things in May of 2013.  There is no need to read this quote, it adds nothing it merely shows I had no idea what I was talking about in a larger sense in 2013.  Essentially nothing in it is right.

May 23, 2013: 4 of (3) weapons of creation-How to convert T space to God space-question of the day

The question of weaponizing space conversion is the question of nuclear war on steroids. Before discussing this in detail, it is good to remember Truman's quote on nuclear weapons-they are designed to kill populations, not armies. This is the experiment that should be considered carefully.

Unlike the violent Sting universe, if you get ahold of G-space and you figure out how to ignite it (release time) you can get all the anti-gravity and T-space (o-space) you want because all the g-space is in one place (even though you get it spread out in time which I've explained as promised previously to the extent you haven't already figured it out.

(2) of (2) weapons of creation-How to convert T space to God space-question of the day

So you want to convert a little of the old T-space back to G-space and then back again just to see how easy it is? Maybe make an anti-gravity device? This is all pretty easy since all you have to do is burn a little of that time off of G-Space and you can blow the whole universe apart. If you accept the gravity equation where time goes to zero as gravity goes to infinity, all you have to do is compress enough matter together so it starts to absorb time (i.e. make a singularity or approach one). Here's the kicker, it should be possible to get really, really close to a singularity and then undo it at the last minute. You start to absorb time, then reverse it and release the time.

In this way, since you are can also generate space/matter you should be in a position to create gravity or anti-gravity.

While this sounds like science fiction, it actually happens often enough on a large scale that we should be able to test it conceptually. You need an exterior measure of time that is affected. You'd have to be able to observe it from space. You'd also need the energy from nearby energy and gravity sources that you could time against one another so you could look for tell-tale aberrations in time.

The event I refer to would be the shrinking of of a star as it burns all it's fuel followed by the explosion immediately afterward. The closer the star is to collapsing as a neutron start before the explosion, the easier it would be to get to the right spot to observe this time fluxuation.

This type of event should, with the right star, get you pretty close to time absorption followed by the release of time and gravity.

Now travel faster than the speed of light? That is part 5 of 3 and requires a comment from one physicist from each of twenty countries.  Soon we will reach a temporary stopping point while the blogs to date on this issue are consolidated.

33 days to next deadline! apocalypto 381 Quite Groundbreaking

I went down for a few days with the brain tumor thing.

I am neither better nor worse, but I figured I would pick this up because it has been a while.

The promise of prior days did not materialize so there was a great deal of failure in the last few days.

If I have been dealt a serious setback, undeserved in absolute terms, I did not have the luxury of stopping so I did what I could and picked up where I left off.

And the setback included this, independently and unsolicited:

“This could be an intriguing demonstration of the AuT model , Fractal Mathematics at the atomic scale and thus quite groundbreaking...”

Someone looked past the place where the science was a year ago and saw something "quite groundbreaking," and it is a rare independent recognition of what I have done, however poorly the presentation was received in absolute terms.

Two days ago I swam, the second hard swim in a row, then yesterday a minimal bike ride to the office and back and today a long walk in a warm sun, then the same bike ride.

I am moving on as best I can.  Can I say that you abandoned me when I needed you now?  I suppose the answer is no.

These countdowns, however inaccurate, allow me to see the passage of time, to exist in a place which is a little more real.  Just over a month to the next deadline is what this means, but also we are well into January since this is in February 15, 2021.  Indeed in 5 days we will have a new president, one way or another, a democratic house and senate for the first time in over a decade.

A lot is changing and it goes beyond me.  But I am looking at these changes which will allow the possibility that the dam holding back information will break and a second potential will occur.

I will figure out how to get past this artificial barrier that has been thrown up against me.  The company that has raised 190 million dollars that has no idea what is going on is my competition and that means it is no competition at all, except for the hearts and minds of those too weak to look for the truth.

But where was I?

I weighed for the first time in a while 3 days ago, still stuck at 176, but happily no worse than that, since even after a light lunch and a hard swim I was pretty bloated yesterday.  I am not happy about that extra pound; but I am relieved it wasn't worse and I do not feel bloated now even if I don't feel well.

This may be the last post from May of 2013, I'm under 350 unpublished posts for now.

5/22/13 the lost years-a fathers love

young work and old work
that is one thing I remember
my father sitting before the television his books in hand
his insistence that we work, starting at the age of 12 for me, 13 for my brother.

That takes me back a long, long time.  To another world, a lonely and uncertain and disturbing world; but one that led me to the world where I sit today as the sun fades and the cold comes back.