Day 7, a wet hot-cold day

 During my 4 mile walk/run with the dog I could see the clouds coming in although it started with sun.  At the end, I was running up the steep hill in the rain, the smell of ozone in the air, the temperature slowly dropping, but not uncomfortable.

Afterwards, I went back to coughing, not sure if running or being in the cooling rain brought it on; but sleeping helped and I think I'm better now.

Watched a lot of troubling 1/6 stuff.  Ordered a new security system.

I rode my bike, a short but not terrible workout.  I ended up with well over my intensity minutes for the week but it was Friday, the week almost over (for exercise it goes through Sunday) and I did not swim which puts that task on the calendar for the weekend.  I also did no pullups, something I have tried to add with limited success to my schedule.

I had a fractal math issue come up when dealing with plasma centers.  These most assuredly are there and the math is impressive; but it destroys the Xenon result to some extent which is trouble because the carbon example works so well in that regard.  It makes for pictures, but it destroys a symmetry even while building another one.  I do not have an answer for this, can they be squeezed out?  Is one or the other simply wrong?  Questions are answered, questions are raised.  The tension between absorption and fractal design cannot be fully reconciled because there are two competing elements of force in every force under the model and when they balance, in theory, the fractal form should be paramount; but is that the case?  The resulting model of observed plasma is acceptable but does that justify the other changes and are those other changes really necessary given the inherent skins in the designs?  These are not small questions and the answers are illusive. Yet the work continues and for a long time the length has been adequate for the first filing, the solutions adequate for at least some of the second.

These problems are not just theory, they suggest solutions.  It forced me to sleep earlier than I would have liked and it woke me earlier.  It just turned 6 and I have been up for a long time.  It is cold outside and it is yet very cool inside.  I let my mind turn less and less towards you, but at night I dreamed I was back in school, looking into a program, wanting to see my advisor, having breakfast with strangers, riding my bike, waiting for the grant, but was I looking for you?  

Today is a busy day of both work and non work requirements.  Yesterday i dealt longer with the vine issue.

It's noon, it has warmed up significantly.  I swam 2000  yards, a pretty hard (for me not relativisticly) workout, but did all of im and while I need to walk later, that is a later thing.  The water was surprisingly warm, more like what it was like in New Mexico and it didn't wake me up, it was up to time and now my blood is oxygenated, but there is not much energy. 

Sometimes things seem easier, sometime they do not. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BakWVXHSug

That was a long walk, only enough to get my steps in really, but after the swim it was tough, my legs hurt, my last 7 days shows 4 walks averaging 3 miles, 3 swims of 2000  yds each and 1 bike ride and enough intensity minutes to get me through till tomorrow.  

During the walk, I thought about what collisions really were, thought about what should have happened before I was killed and afterwards, what comes next, time and age and chances.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8cfbBgXIow

Day 6 The Meh day

Despite my efforts to reverse things, I seem to have ended up with the longer version first.  This should not be unexpected.  It is a tough project taking out what I cannot use, because much of it is close, but not where it needs to be, combining the newest information and ideas with what went before is a big part of this; there are gems to be mined in the old work, but I do not know if I have time for that.

I was up at 4am working, awakened by the need to do so much, and yes I do need to take breaks and this is one way that I do it.

It is orthodox Christmas eve and the anniversary of the 1/6 capital riot and my child's birthday.

It's the middle of the day, I had a filling but inadequate lunch, nothing has gone poorly or well today.  Very much a Meh day.  I do not have time for Meh days.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsOKvpImdOI

It's later in the afternoon.  I am losing my mind, almost too tired to do anything, not sure if it the post lunch blood sugar thing, but I have to take a break from working as I am not getting anything done anyway, just looking at words walking back and forth across the page.

I can, however walk the dog.  I cannot look at walking the same way, although there is some peace from the warmth before the cold today.  It used to be that they were the high part of my day, at least the  dog still enjoys them.  A short pull up workout and then I am on my way.  The warmth of the day will be fading soon.

Day 5, a nervous morning

I was up at 5, fairly certain that I had plenty of sleep, if not plenty of exercise.  I'm having a serious deficit of intensity minutes.

It is a busy day, I have to attempt to finish the first draft while also addressing new issues which continually come up.

I had meetings, a new matter I am working on, no time for anything but a takeout lunch.  I haven't gotten a lunch to go from this place and was pleasantly surprised although I should have reheated it to have enjoyed it more and for whatever reason, I added salt, something I have almost never done in the past.

I note that the date for the first filing which I set for 10 days from now (it could be 25) and I have a draft which could almost be filed this week.  To say that I could work on this for another 3 months would not be an exaggeration and the next part will begin immediately after this one is finished, with its shredded remains of what needs to follow.  That I can address the major issues in a few pages is a big step; but even a cursory step towards the higher details opens pathways that are so numerous and raises so many questions that even fundamental features begin to show tears in the fabric of the theory. 

It's later, still very nervous, but I managed to address some of the composite issues in a way that satisfies me for the moment.  That my nerves still bother me after 2,000 yards is troublesome, but I have another 27 intensity minutes, somewhat disappointing given the difficulty of the swim, but for whatever reason walking seems to yield better intensity despite my heart rate which is much lower at sea level, even though I've gone from 200(s) to 400 ims.

While I have done a lot, new issues have cropped up with the new methods which are so critical to what I need to do and this underlies my anxiety; yet I endeavor to do the best I can with the models I have and I feel fairly comfortable that a broad issue addressing in particular one area of interest where I feel roughly comfortable that I have something specific that extends over other areas as well.

The news that would make me comfortable making significant changes continue to be a problem and while I can make those changes, it is not clear in this vacuum whether that should happen or whether I should accept this bizarre life which is not unpleasant but which provides me very little happiness and no positive passion, whatever that means.

Nevertheless, the time that I took to come back and put things in order has been well spent both in terms of getting the next filings ready, putting together future work, team building, dealing with the debt and real estate issues and spending time with people who need me as whatever symbol I am supposed to have.

I hope that things change and that they change for the better and quickly; but that does not involve you, there will be something, perhaps someone, who will follow you; or perhaps there will be nothing; but there is much to do in the interim and as hard as it is to contemplate, moving on, at least moving, doing something good and important, one step at a time, alone and with the expectation that it will always be secondary to what should have been, what could have been, but I have things to do which I will do because I have no choice in good conscience.

day 4, the cold morning

 up at 530, but had plenty of sleep; discomforting dreams.  i lay awake from 5 to 530 working out practical applications of physics to batteries; or should i say wondering how to work the problems out.  Breaking up dendrites, in particular, at least I have a model for that now.

i have partnership letters to send out (UM and the DOE list) which should go out this week, it is only tuesday.  I started writing an article yesterday, even though I know that is largely a doomed task; I am much further along, if not far along enough.

It reminds me that I added some significant, self generating modeling which is interesting if not instructive.  The problem with having things all laid out is that they are all laid out, there is no room for novelty and no clear explanation; this has to do with the plasma issue and the 5:5 problem which models well, but does not necessarily explain itself, it is too much like preaut theory and not enough like aut math.

it is cold and dark this morning; but when i got up i had on much of my warm clothing from last night and i grabbed pants and a thick sweatshirt.  It is below freezing outside, but i am comfortable in here with my coffee having fed the cats and eaten cereal and drank most of a glass of water to get rid of my scratchy throat.  I would like to build a fire, but it is a work day and I still need to repair several things, including largely irrelevant cracks in the fireplace, but they still need to be sealed.

I slept much better for the first time in days; fairly certain it was the swim.  A faster swimmer was in the pool and it pushed my workout, he being at the end and therefore aerobic part of his workout while i was warming up.  Not that he wouldn't have been faster anyway, it is upsetting, but i ended up with almost an hour of good exercise and an excellent nights sleep.  The cold never bothered me, after almost a week out of the pool it was good to swim again.

There is a penetrating cold from outside, although I don't feel it much and the sun is rising which will change things.  How not to die alone is the name of a book, but a better question is how to die with the one you love.  Is it enough not to be alone?

There is this ongoing need to help raise a family, does it need to be a team effort, could it not be two players working for the same goal?  I find myself getting used, i have been used in the past, but it only will get worse.  I have to deal with this, as with all things, not knowing what the future holds.  I will have to plan for this, I will have to figure out what is right and what is wrong, i need to deal with my own problems.

I was given extremely positive information relative to the property I need to sell; i cracked what should have been a very easy code on that one.  Now i have two better options instead of one questionable one.  The timing is good for me and I can start i 8 days which is a little bettter than I feared.

It has been a long day, I organized and edited and if need be I have a 100 page document and there are so very many problems which may or may not have solutions and which i cannot even share the burden of with anyone else.  My time will come, I hope.  If it does not, than my time will eventually end and things in many ways are much better than they were in the past, but all I can think is how much I want them to be our problems and not mine; our successes and not mine, our hopes and dreams and not mine.

Day 3: In god's living room

Swam 2000 yards, 1100 im, was rejected by another national lab program.  I am not qualified for these, so I should not be upset, but I continue to think that reflects institutional prejudice.  And yes, this is justified to some extent, to protect from ignorance, ignorance is justified, i suppose.

These were the source of much of our problems because going forward with these issues and uncertainties and the resulting insecurities are hard to put into context.  It is along the lines of depression, but I am not able to give up, even though I would like to; for this is the only bridge left.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0---Q97pG4

I finished a first draft, very rough, on the claims.  Tomorrow, I begin work on the 30 page specification to go with it.

Spoiler alert: Religious analysis under AuT suggests that the universe is an ongoing play of a fairly simple algorithm on a complex scale and that what we do is preordained and largely irrelevant to the transitions in this algorithm if not controlled by them.

We have an issue in this world, people tell stories and other people believe them.  And there are truths that people will refuse to believe because of institutional prejudice.

AuT is modeled on math, if it was modeled on anything else, it would just be a story.  But even with that, there may be some truth beyond math; but that is for another day, this is about institutional prejudice and its effect on our story and the story of religion.

The analogy of the standard model, also modeled on math and religion, not modeled on math is relevant and I decided to spend some time on this.

All religions put some importance on our existence.  The major religions coming from the old testament (at least 3 broad groups) all rely on the idea that god targeted creation to get to us and no further.  They also say that if we follow certain rules, we'll get some benefit from it.  None of these rules is governed by math, but many are governed by logic and logic instructs math to some extent or another.

I have prayed and will pray in the future; but math indicates this is futile.

https://www.sciencealert.com/the-tiny-dots-in-this-image-aren-t-stars-or-galaxies-they-re-black-holes

Those who would judge me are following a religion, not mathematics.   They as a rule refuse to look away from their false idols and thereby keep us apart, perhaps we have gone too far, so i should say they keep me from pursuing my dreams.  There are those willing to embrace a bigger universe and perhaps, i will pursue a new dream if i can survive this onslaught of institutional blindness.  

It is hard, but it has been worse and it will be worse again if we cannot rebuild the bridge that separates us.

Day 2, the weird morning

The weird morning.  I slept till 8am.  It wasn't as much sleep as it sounds since I was up in the middle of the night worrying about those things which have not happened yet and those which may never happen which need to or don't according to the universal scheme which I do not understand.

I was worried about these now thankfully small and even manageable debts that still dog me,  my plans to deal with these remain open including my desire to satisfy them with the sell of the property which heavily picayuned me at the end of the year.

And then there are articles like this, which threaten to render my work less relevant, only because it is coopted by someone with better connections and a better line on universal irony.

https://www.sciencealert.com/the-exquisite-beauty-of-nature-reveals-a-world-of-math

Rain is coming, at last perhaps I should add despite the weeks of humidity, and with it the cold.

Omicron and covid, climate change weird weather dominate the news, with underlying signs of a more human based apocalypse characterized by hypersonic missiles and troops on the borders, while the more subtle signs of imbalance, China, Africa and the supply chain lurk in the shadows.

A pleasant, peasant new year's day meal

My work issues get more complicated and not more simple although my claim issue will be resolved through the simple expedient of having those claims which fit and those claims which are merely incorporated in the disclosure.

The most immediately valuable design issues are the ones which are the most complicated, dealing with elements of energy that did not exist before me, at least those which were not recognized to exist.

I had a recurring dream type where the house I am living in is in need of massive repairs.  I do have some minor things to do, I need to put a piece of luan in place to level an appliance.

In the dream there were massive holes that led up to a storage room.  Most of the times, the house is in a bad neighborhood and the damages are broader, a bad foundation.  I don't understand it. Worse still, I cannot remember who I was with, but I was with someone.

Months in New Mexico on a drying well left me very conscious of water usage.  I want a peddle operated sink so I can turn it on and off without my hands.

I am leaning more towards just taking the claims, if I can ever finish them, and adding what makes sense from the longer document to get to 30 pages.  Afterwards I will add more and more till I get to 100 pages.  That finishes everything backwards, but seems more efficient.  The problem will be that just the claims will be 30 pages, but we live with our limitations and this way the pressure will ebb and flow after a fashion.

It has started to turn cold, after several days of hiking in heat, today I wore a light jacket and it has already dropped 20 degrees from the high and it will drop another 20 degrees to tonight.  You are nowhere to be found, but Winter is coming.

DAY 1 2022

my watch says so far I have over 500 intensity minutes this week, but all of it comes from walking after wednesday. it also says i have one month to finish my next project, as a vacation on the watch, but in reality, anything but a vacation.

I may sound like i am complaining; but i feel close to 100 percent today, pretty much for the first time since getting sick so long ago.  Perhaps just in time to get covid, but that is for the future.A cough or two, but no wracking coughs and while I was tired, who wasn't tired.  I'm sure you stayed up all night having sex and drinking.  My eve was nice enough, nothing like that.

  I did get in the 68 degree, global warming unseasonably cold pool, just to get out something that had fallen in, was probably too cold to swim and it will get cold for at least a couple of days, but was interesting, invigorating after a long, hot walk.  No swimming in earnest till Monday and that plus the lack of sleep, did not sleep well last night, means I need to recover, although 20 minutes of meditation seem to have helped as did getting a headstart on the work the next 31 days.

My goal for this week has to be getting a usable draft put together of the paper due 2/3/22.  this is hardly an impossible task, but it represents months of work and a lot that was conceptualized only in the last couple of weeks.  On the bright side, much of the work is finished and it does double duty to work on the newer portions, for deadlines that come shortly after the deadline and will not wait.

The starting point, well underway, but far from done, is the set of claims which includes much of the new information in their current form, eventually this 24 page document must be reduced to a couple of pages, the rest going into a 92 page document which, together with the 65 pages of drawings must eventually be reduced to a 100 page and 30 page form; a daunting task.  

My hope is to have the 100 page first draft finished at the end of next week, the 30 page version the week after and to file the longer version the week after that and, in the fourth week of January to finish filing the 30 page version, a calendar of events which is impossible even without other work, but which I must endeavor to do anyway.  The first step, taking an evolving group of 181 pages and getting it down to 100 pages.  This is not, however, the first step of the first step, which is to take the 24 page document and reducing it to perhaps 5 or 6 pages while putting the rest with the evolving 92 page document.  In practice that is underway, with 9 pages being claims of varying degrees of polish which need ultimately to be reduced to 2 or 3; and the rest being loosely organized in sections and edited down less than I'd like, but still there and this remaining 15 or so pages may act as some sort of buffer from which to organize the 92 page document once it is better coordinated with the claims.

After that, the critical 10 pages of drawings has to be winnowed out of 65 pages which will be closer to 75 pages when drawings from the other two documents are moved in that direction and numbering has to be addressed which comes from a list which already has 547 entries and only scratches the surface of the last 12 months of work.

There is nothing personal in these goals, but there is little room for anything personal.  I plan to begin swimming again Monday when I hope the cold will keep the pool from being crowded.  Until then I am enjoying the first days when I do not feel sick by walking and dealing with chores around the house, like cutting the base of the vines that were choking the 10 year old W- pine tree.

I have more of this to do on my land, but not sure I have a vehicle to get on it, nor do i know what the access looks like.  It is time to change the listing, although whether today or in 30 days I do not yet know.  I worked on that too during the days leading up to new years eve.  It has not been a quiet time.

You don't want to hear about all of that, of course you have equally daunting challenges; you're not listening anyway, not reading between the lines and if you did you would come to the wrong conclusions, a lifetime of needing to explain that isn't immediately available.