Day 5, a nervous morning

I was up at 5, fairly certain that I had plenty of sleep, if not plenty of exercise.  I'm having a serious deficit of intensity minutes.

It is a busy day, I have to attempt to finish the first draft while also addressing new issues which continually come up.

I had meetings, a new matter I am working on, no time for anything but a takeout lunch.  I haven't gotten a lunch to go from this place and was pleasantly surprised although I should have reheated it to have enjoyed it more and for whatever reason, I added salt, something I have almost never done in the past.

I note that the date for the first filing which I set for 10 days from now (it could be 25) and I have a draft which could almost be filed this week.  To say that I could work on this for another 3 months would not be an exaggeration and the next part will begin immediately after this one is finished, with its shredded remains of what needs to follow.  That I can address the major issues in a few pages is a big step; but even a cursory step towards the higher details opens pathways that are so numerous and raises so many questions that even fundamental features begin to show tears in the fabric of the theory. 

It's later, still very nervous, but I managed to address some of the composite issues in a way that satisfies me for the moment.  That my nerves still bother me after 2,000 yards is troublesome, but I have another 27 intensity minutes, somewhat disappointing given the difficulty of the swim, but for whatever reason walking seems to yield better intensity despite my heart rate which is much lower at sea level, even though I've gone from 200(s) to 400 ims.

While I have done a lot, new issues have cropped up with the new methods which are so critical to what I need to do and this underlies my anxiety; yet I endeavor to do the best I can with the models I have and I feel fairly comfortable that a broad issue addressing in particular one area of interest where I feel roughly comfortable that I have something specific that extends over other areas as well.

The news that would make me comfortable making significant changes continue to be a problem and while I can make those changes, it is not clear in this vacuum whether that should happen or whether I should accept this bizarre life which is not unpleasant but which provides me very little happiness and no positive passion, whatever that means.

Nevertheless, the time that I took to come back and put things in order has been well spent both in terms of getting the next filings ready, putting together future work, team building, dealing with the debt and real estate issues and spending time with people who need me as whatever symbol I am supposed to have.

I hope that things change and that they change for the better and quickly; but that does not involve you, there will be something, perhaps someone, who will follow you; or perhaps there will be nothing; but there is much to do in the interim and as hard as it is to contemplate, moving on, at least moving, doing something good and important, one step at a time, alone and with the expectation that it will always be secondary to what should have been, what could have been, but I have things to do which I will do because I have no choice in good conscience.