Day 11, continued sort of

I just need quiet and alone tonight, surprisingly hard to get that.  It is still only just after 6 although it has been dark for awhile and it is getting cold.

A time of much colder weather will be included below.

My problem is that I have had hopes about several things and as yet they have not materialized.  Progress is easy to spot, but I have not seen any additional runway which raises the specter of what happens next.  Technically, I do not have to do much and what I have to do is in April when things will have changed somewhat.  I cannot say how much better or worse they will be; much of that depends on events and people that I cannot rush.

The new listing may be effective, the project I am working on may bear fruit, the foia request may be responded to, the new cases may take flight and the refinance which will extend a deadline indefinitely may become finalized one way or the other.   These are all important to the runway issue; may have signficiant effects overall; but what i fear is that none of the pending grants will be allowed, equally bad that I will receive the remaining rejections during this time period which, given what i have been able to obtain and show, would be very hard to accept.

These are the things that made me think i was not enough and perhaps they mean that i am not enough.  I am in a better place than i was several years back, even 3 years ago in many ways.  I have shed most of what held me down and what was costing me money now looks like a healthy, if unrecognized, investment; something that may well take care of itself this year if things do not change; of course things always change.

how different things would have been if i had not taking this path into science.  I would be doing work and making a budget and working on my neglected books.  I do not think things would have been better for us, just the opposite.  How could they be worse, you might ask, the difference is that i made a choice and you could not know what it was and i could not tell you and it is and was always dependent on the same things that i do not want to explain although now i think i can.

After swimming, I am often numb and relaxed; but that is impossible tonight as I worry over what will happen and know that if more bad news comes before i can finish these interminable edits, it will make things very hard.

It is noisy in the background.  I did not want to come here earlier because i knew everything would irritate me.

How uncomfortable I am sitting here with the cold creeping in, a smoky fire that could be romantic in other circumstances, but which merely irritates me after the long swim.  Everything here angers me and I expect very little to change.

Lake snow