New Post-Day 24

 It is dark and cold and late and i have reached the end of both vision and concentration ability for the night and dealt at least superficially wih a critical problem that stood in the way of moving forward.

Despite the looming deadline, I had to take a break and so i turned to writing to you.  

A part of what follows was written this morning, while it does not sound like a great deal I have moved 8 pages farther in the short one, and not much further at all in the other, but progress is not just measured in pages, but in understanding and clarity and briefly the document went to 32 pages before beginning to drop again.  So let us begin with what was written early this morning before the sun which has now set had even come up.

The complex rewriting continues today.  I am on page 10 of the short document and page 14 of the longer (almost 50) page document.

Figuring how to ultimately file is complicated by previously filed documents which have to be staged next in a very short period of time.

Now I am back in the evening.  I am nervous and I will start losing sleep over this, I did get just over 8 hours last night despite getting up at 5 and being awake at 4.  8 hours and more, but i still am worried for the pressure that is increasing by the day cannot be ignored and there is another project which will require some of my time during the same period.  The af stuff, indeed even the stuff to which the grants apply most particularly,, have to be ignored until this time next week.  I both need to and should be able to finish the short document tomorrow.

After alll, I can do more on paper than another laboratory in a sense because the science is both that much better and that much more accurate, and yet we will have to see because the race with empirical science is not yet won.  It is barely begun and I now see that 5 years have evaporated while I was focused on this.  You wonder what happened to us, it is not that there was not all the pieces, but I could not see the time passing, I did not realize that between 2019 when I began to pursue this in earnest and the time when you abandoned me 2 years had passed; moreover the run up to 2019 involved 3 years which largely passed the same way for the same reasons.  I lost track of time pursuing this and it cost me what mattered the most; it is cliche, but as tragic in my life as anywhere else and I think of what those 5 years could have held, I should not begrudge anyone anger or disappointment., not even you, especially not you; but what i should or should not do has very little to do with what is or is not what i have accomplished or not.

There are those who have recently used words like "not based on sound principles" and this institutional prejudice, this ignorance in the form of entrenched error is part of what i have to face.  I have to prove that just because it works does not mean that it tells the whole story.

But the time passed, the same will happen over the next few days and I will not be prepared when the time runs out, but I have a good start, something that can be filed which is far in advance of what has been filed. 

speaking of good starts, i made a good start to intensity minutes if not real exercise by walking 3.5 miles.  Over 100 intensity minutes, a little upper body work and i should do more this evening, but i am so very tired.  Worried about the work, the future, and you.