Day 18, 12 days

I was up at 4:30 and feel much better although I must do my exercises soon.  It is below freezing outside, but I have on warm clothes and am sitting under a throw blanket.  A cat was missing this morning which gave me some anxiety, but he showed up.

I have been totally mad in the past.  It is strange when those hidden memories come to my mind in the darkness of the early morning.  Humiliation is one of the feelings, although that is silly.  If you are mad, what is to be embarrassed about?  Also in a universe where your actions are the result of underlying mathematics, at least to a point or where your accomplishment render your madness acceptable why dwell on the past.  I was surprisingly free of being caught, although I wonder if there is not a permanent record of my madness where it was manifest in some places and the accommodations for the madman that took place.   How strange and lucky I was.

Perhaps I used up all of my luck before we met, there is certainly still enough madness to go around.

It's been a long morning and it is still about the time that others get to work.  I've spent it taking long notes and incorporating them.  One of the cameras interferes with the other when it is dark, I need to do some repositioning, but have not figured it out yet.

I've taken several breaks to take my notes from the night and incorporate them into the 30 page paper which is currently 26 pages in its shortest embodiment, but requires much from the longer paper.  I believe I can deal with that.  The 100 page paper is under 100 pages as long as the last portions which are less important are not included and the plan for the week is to get the 100 page and 26 page versions ready to file in some form, even if not as clean as I would like.  There are new terms and new problems of design that I have not yet figured out completely.

 Time grows short, the meetings increase in number; my day is less and less my own.

I have to meet the deadline with something and given the work done, I feel that is possible.  I would have thought I'd have gone into this month with that done, but the model provides new answers which have to be incorporated and the size has to stay the same.

Worse still, fundamental aspects are in a state of flux.  I'd say I have something I could file in a week if nothing comes up, of course something always comes up.

I swam 2000 yards and I solved the issue of what electro-magnetism is.  If you and I were together, that last thing would be a pretty big deal.  Maybe a big deal, but it is, like everything else in the universe irrelevant.  It is nice to have my priorities straight.  The goal remains to have a finished product of sorts if not totally by the end of the week.  This requires quite a bit of editing which I should be doing tonight, but the swim has not left me with a lot of energy and it is hard to be hard on myself when I did something like that and when I am tired from swimming and where I had a pretty good dinner and when for all that you think is wrong with me, perhaps it is not me, I think.  But for all that, perhaps I will die alone after all, but whatever you and fate take away from me I loved so deeply, and still love so deeply that I figured out what electromagnetism is today.

How cruel the universe is to require so much for so little.

The choice was to hold on and insist on being there, wherever there ends up beings; and I suppose the same can be said about me; but whatever i want to do, some things are bigger than me and one of those things will always be everything, and everything is what I don't have which in this case means I don't have anything.  For all I have seen and I have learned and been shown and figured out, the one thing I know for sure is that 32 years ago I made the right choice and it meant as little as the wrong choice makes today, who ever made it.