The last days, well the last day

It is the end of the year, ending right at 90 days, 91 or 92 perhaps, an interesting coincidence.

I think it is time to move on from inevitable death, past, present or future.

What question is being asked here?

https://youtu.be/p8NQUbLQGio

My disappointment, anger, maybe longing, still doesn't change much;  maybe it should.  Like you, I need to move on and I keep waiting for something and nothing comes up. That is not so true because there is a whole new fabric to work with developed just over the last 30 days, so there is much to do and much to develop from and while I believe there is a great deal of disappointment to be faced in the coming year, there are things to hope for and survival in many ways remains more likely than not.  My body says spring and that is embodied in you or at least that memory of you.

 https://phys.org/news/2021-12-chemical-leftovers-early-earth-core.html

This talks about the problems at the center of the earth which I have determined with some reservations to be a black hole core and an area where saving the earth if it makes it to the shift in magnetic fields lies within my strange expertise.

https://bigthink.com/starts-with-a-bang/universe-fractal/

This is a repetitive theme, failing to see the things which are so obvious to me and missing the big picture as a result.

The new year came hours ago in Australia and it is coming for us too 

Dod 91/92?

No real exercise yesterday.  The pool is now closed till Monday, so missing yesterday (exhausted due to sleep irregularities) is problematic.  It is unnaturally warm, I could almost swim at home, although beginning that swim would be problematic and the coughing might be made extreme.  It will be 78 degrees tomorrow, new years eve.  The ice caps will likely melt.  Then what?

Today I filed the last of the DOE electrical transmission grant applications, 4 total which I think can all depend from a single write up.  Another day without real exercise, but I did walk the stupid dog 4 miles.

Still coughing, and was feeling pretty puny at the end of the walk pressing for time uphill, but now after a shower, vitamin c and lots of water, I feel better.  9 hours of sleep last night probably helped, caught up from the lack of sleep the night before.

At the end of the walk, I looked at my pine tree being strangled by vines, tomorrow I will kill the vines if I survive.  

The pool is at 68 degrees, 3 degrees from what i'd call swimable which means it would, at the warmer part of the day tomorrow, be capable of supporting a swimmer with a strong heart.  The mind boggles at the risks and possibilities.

I watched love and monsters, i think the movie has something to say in the time of the apocalypse.  

 https://phys.org/news/2020-08-physicists-two-dimensional-material.html

https://www.wdsu.com/article/new-orleans-sugar-bowl-new-years-safety-guidance/38641902

Neither of these articles say much to me, but the first one I saved from several months ago to revisit at a later time which is sort of now I suppose.

I wonder at the weather extremes, record snowfalls with the accompanying headaches, snow skiing, sleigh rides; the extreme heat here, not unprecedented, but unusual nonetheless.  I am watching people sleigh live in a blizzard at steinlodge https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2VfyLoTO0c as I write this, it is a very active scene considering the cold and forbidding conditions, but it is certainly a scene of great beauty.

What can I say that I have not said before?  Happy new year perhaps, next year will be different, but what does that mean?

Dod 90

 Swam 1900, set post watch records for 1000 and 500 though accuracy must be questioned.   Made progress with electromagnetism but still not fully comfortable with the results. Several concepts for galactic polarity shifts are in the running, data would be helpful, a new dark horse candidate. 

Seems like 9 years not 90 days.  Filed one of 3 or 4 lois which is enough, for quiet will soon descend on my life.

Up early this morning roughing out the remaining LOI(s); wanting to work on others, but knowing that even 4 is more than enough.

Spent a fair amount of time looking at the problems associated with the modeling, but never reached again this troubling issue of phase which could be so important to the shifting magnetic fields which may kill everyone.  My arm has multiple scratches where I was attacked by a cat.

I am so tired, can't stop coughing, you don't age in my mind, you are just as i saw you last, but all i have to comfort me are your last words which held no comfort nor hope.

https://youtu.be/8LXT46VUuHs

dod 82 actually 89 to 90

Got zero intensity minutes for riding my bike 7 miles which I find disturbing.  Tomorrow the pool reopens and then what?  I am not sure what type of time I have. Still coughing. 

I have begun the pairing down process that should have been finished months ago...but for you?  I think you cannot take credit for this; it is a surreal place to be.  It has been a long time, something that predates even you.  2010?  2009?  No, it began in August of 2005, perhaps even a few months before then.  16 years ago, more than 16 years ago.  The science began in it's earliest form in late 2012, still 9 years ago, and in between...well perhaps the most important things are those between the slices of events.

Dealing with electricity and its not quite twin magnetism and they don't fit well or badly, it is the conversion i dont quite understand though somewhere in the alternatives is an answer.  right now is a good example, something I did not look at closely before and which even now seems to work badly in terms of results.  I will, perhaps have more later on this, certainly details will appear in many places as time goes by.

There is a book rewrite that needs to be addressed, it is largely done, and yet it waits for something, the next filing?  Some other triggering event?  I actually think I have the page length where it needs to be for a filing, but there is more editing, it changes, the insights increase every day and next Tuesday I hope to get insights from a discussion of things when I lay my thoughts out there and hear more about the real world.

What happened to the 7 lost days?  It would be poetic  to say 90 days, perhaps 3 months dead and 3 weeks as of today after leaving nm.  How did this get so far off, i must have been out of my mind for long periods of time during the last 3 months.  Is this possible? It must have been very different for you and I wonder how much peace,  dare i say love, compared to the strange and lonely landscape of my life over the same period. 

I am tired and i must write my notes up.

dod 75/76/77/etc

Perhaps the most appropriate song of this weird season, perhaps more appropriate at the time it was performed and what I'd like to say to you anyway.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfAOqCx1N8E

I wonder how healthy i look now, quite wasted since this picture, down from the mountains. 

Have to start exercising again anyway. Need to be in shape for the end of the world.

This was near the last days in NM, same as the picture without me in it looking back from the slag heap in the hills around the house.

This is the end of a 3 month experiment, if you'd like with a short break in the middle and it was largely successful although there is a recovery period and getting the work done is requiring a lot.  How much different it could have been with you, but then how much more and less that would have been.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHe_i98krmo

It is Christmas eve, so merry Christmas 

Not yet

Still alive. Hope you are not disappointed. 

I miss nm. My lungs feel like tissue paper

Tired of coughing. Pool was closing wednesday so against common sense i swam coughing under water much of the time 2000 yards including just over 1000 im although everything about the workout was substandard. 

My watch suggests over the last 7 days I side 3750 yards plus 6 walks plus two bike rides but that is inaccurate for several reasons just as it is overly lenient in giving me stairs and steps today and intensity minutes for the week. Being sick still I will take it.  I can barely move right now.

That is or was lunch, a deconstructed ham and egg sandwich which was edible. 

Part of being sick was diminished taste, not covid according to the suspect test but my tongue felt like it was burnt.

I was outside at night in the cold, almost a relapse situation but under cvovers and warm again i think the recovery will continue. Some hot tea would help. 

I am misunderstood jealous strong enough to recuperate maybe unsure of what will happen next or what i should do, even unsure of my work which seems so real to me and mostly unsure why you are not here to help me because if there is a reason for all of this how can it not be you. 

dod 72 still ill/73/74

73 Not able to do this tonight. Was to sick to do anything in delirium I have to assume swam 1800 yards,  can barely remember and laid out now m dishwasher installation a success thankfully although level issue remains to be dealt with when/if I recover. Eating is a problem. 

I like to think what I ate was nutritious enough, but I don't feel like it.  The swim will either make things better or kill me.  I have a presentation to do in the morning.  I will not be ready for it.

74/ill

DOD 71

This morning i was Not feeling as sick as I did last night.  I rested perhaps too much, but it seems to have helped.  That changed, as the day progresses; but it was nice to wake up feeling almost normal.  Well, normal doesn't qualify in this case because i was asleep far too long, it was 6 o'clock a full two hours after when I've been getting up.

There is more work than you can imagine to do over the remainder of the week.

I felt fairlygood this morning, but I was dragging this afternoon. It is getting worse by the quarter hour.  Today likely to be the second day in a row with zero intensity minutes.   I could go swimming as nothing could make this worse but I have an electrician issue to deal with. 

I installed a dishwasher including carrying it upstairs by myself, carpentry, plumbing, light electrical but it is done.  Sick and sore and little was accomplished afternoon with work but I was too sick to do anything requiring mental discipline. 

It is time to rest. Had to take cough meds, knew it was coming but hoped to miss it.  Trying to catch everything early. So tired and so much to do.   I miss having hope and saying I am in love.

dod 70

every 10 days seems like a decade.

up at 5am, the illness remains.  169.5 pounds.  I don't know how that registers with the past, though I should.  I exercise through this illness, perhaps it will get worse as a result, the coughing is more intense.  The coffee and sitting up seem to help a little.   I wonder how much longer the NM coffee will hold out, but it doesn't matter much.  Even there I often used packaged coffee or the beans my friend roasted himself.

I cannot sleep, because of you, I think.  That being said, there seems to have been enough for the voracious demands of the cold.

I may be too busy for hobbies.  This is a critical week when I need to move past the edit to the final cuts in the applications, for there will be more than one.  Then it is on to forms, but that is another step far away from this one.  There is a lot of work to do on things that do not matter but which have attention and on things which matter a great deal and are ignored.  While the conclusions about the process behind flipping the earth's field were not complex, in many ways it represents something as important as the periodic table design around the neutron core.  

I wonder how much better I could do if I could see clearly.  I practice in the dark getting my clothes ready to put on, but I know it is a complex thing to plan for.  I am my aunt's nephew in the end, I suppose.

I am lucky that I am not luckier in some cases.  I needed to get back here to close things up before the end of the  year, to see what I have to face next year and to prepare for it.  I do not know about the grant work that needs to be done.  I am looking at it but with a half an eye.  That said, it would have eased the pain some.

Speaking of easing pain, it will be warm this week, good weather for the illness, seasonally unpleasant.

it will rain later and if the pool needs to be flocked again, pretty likely although it is too dark to see, that will make it less likely that I will need to add water to backwash it.  I hope that I can get the pump to cooperate.  In the meantime, I can attempt to get the rest of the debris from the pool.  It seems like it will be summer before we know it although it is only December still.   it is substantially colder in SC, but still a mild winter I'd think.  It is not too late to return there, but the plan has shifted to dealing with problems here for the moment.  Whether that can be dealt with before the end of the year when I'd return seems increasingly unlikely as most of the transition issues will occur either at the very end of the month or in January.

For the moment I have addressed the transition issues I can deal with and I am waiting for the results.

There are no thorns here, at least they are beaten by developments into the background.  I still see one or two coming out of the car or did last week.

I will come back to this, I should eat something before it becomes late.  Outside, a distant dawn is beginning to make itself heard.  I have a book to write too.

Got some work done today but at the end I became more ill and left to recuperate but it has continued to get worse. No exercise today i think.  It is strange illness hovering the background till now.  If it stays true next the cough and congestion will worsen.  But 8 days means i should be better by the weekend and i should be able to work.  I should test for covid.

I am glad to not be with you for the first time since I was with you last, I would not want to make you sick.  Drinking hot tea with honey, some sort of herbal remedy tea that expired years ago.  It is helping my throat.  It is dark and early and I feel better for having lain down.  I failed the covid home test, fortunately, just a cold.  At least I hope that is a good thing.

 

dod 69

 The fair lovers anniversary of my death.

It is 5:30 am.  I did not even try to go back to sleep.  My throat is sore, but rest is what this illness seems to want.  The cats are fed, the dishwasher is running, i have my coffee beside me, it is dark outside, not really cold; but 57 degrees so there is a hint of winter or at least fall in the air.  I looked and it is 30 degrees cooler in NM than here on average.

NM made it to SNL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--G0WfT3SKA  Wait for it.

I ate 1/3 of an apple pie over the last few days.  How can I justify that?  I am pretending that I need the extra calories to fight off this cold, plus look at the exercise over the last 3 days, well two of them anyway.  i still work out in the hopes that we'll be together, a strange primary motivation, especially this time of year and with all of the problems I have that I cannot take care of and the fact that dead cannot date the living and that you have moved on.

https://scitechdaily.com/tetra-neutron-experiment-understanding-of-nuclear-forces-might-have-to-be-significantly-changed/  This is another of those things which AuT explains rather imperfectly; but explains nonetheless.  It happens to be important in the next patent I am working on, and no you will not find these in nature or otherwise.             .

There is some work on pretime/post time relativistic effects that is fairly interesting which i am working on.  The deadline is now some 45 days away and while getting close and having a plan, it is not a good place to be.  I will have other obligations and it is more of 30 days than of 45 as I slowly creep forward toward the end of time.

A group of tornadoes killed 100 people yesterday, it is something strange, terrible and rare.  I am slowly making progress on cleaning the pool which is something of a fools errand, although necessary to sell the house.  Inflation will make that easier, at least eventually, while making everything else harder.

Taking another tack starting next year on the lot sale.

It is late in the evening, 14 or more hours have passed since I woke this morning.  I swam 1750 yards including all of the im, but only one 400.  Then a one mile walk with the dog.  Got up to 265 intensity minutes for the week.  Did away with that apple pie from lunch, at least in my mind.

Speaking of a mind, I am not of a mind to give up on all of this thing even though i'm just talking to myself and living in a fantasy world of my own insanity.  I think of you and your trees and those you share them with and I am angry and uncomfortable.  I am waiting to hear about so many things, grants, discovery, new mexico and the thing which could replace new mexico which is unlikely but right for me.  I'm essentially done with succession, very fast, I know.  It will be missed.  But everything gives way to my losses associated with my death in any event and the deadlines which approach with greater speed and finality.  The only thing which seems to exist free of time and impermanence is the love which any other corpse would have abandoned weeks ago, burned the mental diaries; but I am a corpse with a memory and a ghost which exists by way of clinging to hope, however false.

I am not sure about the effect of this on that background illness, but i spent way too much time out with the pool, barefoot and in the cold this morning; and even so I think it needs another round of flocking because of the ineffectiveness of the damned pump.  I'm going to run it tonight and reassess in the morning or afternoon depending on my ability to concentrate.

I had nothing but soup for lunch, but I had a couple of eggs, toast and veggie sausage for a late breakfast after cereal.  And the pie, of course.  I am not sure I shouldn't freeze or throw away the rest of the pie.  For dinner leftover chicken and rice which did not live up to its billing so the recipe will not be shared or remembered.

Do not hate me for believing that had things been different, had you held out, we would be together in the cold wilderness, frighteningly dark at night, lonely in the light of day, ghostly.

dod 68

More talk of leaving then a walk in a wood of small trees, my onlyexercisetoday and i showered with the smell of chlorinefrom last night'sswim on my skin,  free of that and shaved and comfortable at last but for the background of illness.  I was more sick tonight so I made a hit meal of leftovers and opened a bottle of medicinal wine.

it is 40 degrees warmer and in this land, you don't have to fret over the water running for another few seconds or timing your showers with the running of the dishwasher to limit the amount of gas that is used to heat it.  But there are drawbacks.  Reality is one of them, the daily facing of issues that faded into the background in the desert where you could not remember names.

I had this plan to stay in nm till you came but I left to deal with the reality I left here.  You made clear that you wouldn't come and i believed you though i couldn't believe my belief. 

Still no response the appeal to be filed as soon as next week to me permitting but perhaps after the first a way to welcome 22. Although I have the code section in hand. 

3 am in the morning and i am wide awake.  The illness recedes with sleep and it would be good if I could sleep longer but the attempt is useless.  I can barely see the words, able to type because of learning on a machine when i was in high school, a silly course which turned out to be so important.

I have made little progress this week in either drafting or science.  I should be satisfied having figured out in some depth how the world will end; but it is much to do and little to do with it.

I have undertaken to refinance my last investment property since it has not sold.  it is not expensive compared to its value, but it has not been a quick sale and the economy will turn eventually and it will stay a burden until it is sold. At present it appears to be an asset from a distance, but were it not for my other property, it would be an even bigger expense tan it is and this year it has been a particular burden at a time when I do not need one, 5500 plus the cost of buying out my deceased partner's estate at least.

More people I knew and more of my friends have died in the last month, mentors, classmates, I am ill but able to do much; although as I said I did not exercise.  This decreasing vision problem irks me.

I wait for news on these grants which would do much to ease the burden I am under but which may amount to nothing.  My teams continue to grow, another partner here a mentor there, a potential investor waiting for me.  I wait for what happens next as my vision slowly degrades my ability to do that seeing.

And what of  you who is the source of so much of this and the effect of the rest?  how do you sleep at night and who with.  If we were in new mexico and if these properties would sells and these grant come through then we would be the only two people in the world, and the world would be a garden of Eden eventhough I could not see it; but someone else is in that garden and I live with the snakes.

It's 5:30. I dozed for a few minutes.  Now its late enough to make coffee.  I increased from a half cup to a full cup while in NM and its stronger, still drinking TB coffee brought home, slowly disappearing with the memories.

It is now 11:30 raining hard.  I rode my bike before the rain and lifted weights and rode again, went to the grocery store and cooked a chicken and rice dish I saw on the internet.  I did a pretty bad job on the rice portion, I think; but it may be possible to deal with that given time.

It is pouring. rain here.

It's later now, dinner time. The cold has taken me down and I've done a lot today and I'm worn out and run down, coughing a little,  and the sun is setting on a sky which] promises to choker up tomorrow when I must take things up Shahin fit there is much to do before Monday when things will get even busier. 

DOD 67

 The altitude difference and difference in terrain is telling.

I did 1700 yards and did 2x400 im(s) and 1x200 instead of the 5x200 I was forced to do at 6000 feet.  My intensity minutes have dropped dramatically, from over 100 per day down to 150 per week if I get another 10 or 20 in the next 3 days.  The walks have gone from rocky stair climbs in dry air, fearful of wild animals and blocked by cattle occasionally; to wet, sticky slogs through mist and rain surrounded by the constant noise and Christmas decorations of what is fortunately a very safe place; since the wilderness dangers pale to those of man.

I have done 3 long swims in the last 7 days and several walks and bike rides despite fatigue and this nascent illness which I'm continuing to treat with massive doses of vitamin c, probably expired.  I think perhaps the swims have helped fight off the illness although just the opposite effect seems to be suggested.  They have undone the mask mandate at the gym and removed the plastic shielding from the employee areas.  It is surreal as the whole last year has been.

The illness, tt is hard to watch, implementing extra strength cough medicine seems to have headed off pneumonia for now.

It's hard to believe how much i can miss you but whenever I go down that road i know there was only one path for you and for me.  I look at the bridges built over the pitfalls in that road and wonder if we really need to abandon that process especially when it was done, but i think that being alone is the only path forward and I am not alone this week for the first time in a long while.  It is draining and recharging, it scares me; but I need to deal with those things which prevent me from moving on and in that respect I am having limited success.

  So very tired and teetering between health and this weeks long illness which is painful to watch.   I have 3 months to catch up on, I am only starting in that direction even after 4 days back at the office; much of my time still going into the technical write ups where at least some progress is being made.  Team building which I thought was on hold, continues.  No word on the grants which are so critical to everything at this point.

The rain is back again, it screams your name. 

dod 66

My favorite place to eat lunch is closed, the world is wildly tilted on its acid.  Today started out grey and the work continues on the project which is daunting.

Getting sick in earnest. A strange soreness in my legs from not walking in the mountains. 

Have difficulty fighting through the symptoms of anxiety,  not sleeping even though problems are manageable maybe for years if I ignore certain business expenses, sell property or get funding, all of which are possible. 

The work is progressing,  too slowly especially with this slow moving cold. Took a pound of vitamin c, couldn't hold anymore. 

Discussed separation again tonight but it is a very inconsistent approach. No word on the return to new Mexico, only a few weeks of time loses meaning. 

Tiring. Nothing on the paper but the appeal is any time after the 16th which is something of a function of of I get sick or not. 

So much to talk about but who will be there to hear it or care about it?

I have these terrible thoughts hoping you are having fun moving forward, sleepless hating it.

Dod 64

 Swam 1750, did all im, got my steps in first time since leaving including a short dog walk.  Nervous and frustrated,  still sickness in the house,  aggravated with maintenance problems and real estate. 

The 64 days are very real to me. I feel every one. So much to do I could let one or two slip by but the love doesn't decrease despite the crepidation of my body 

DOD 63

Monday morning, back in my office fighting off I don't even know what.  3 months of emergencies all at once, only slightly ameliorated by stopping in over the weekend.  In the background is coffee house radio.  I will return later. 

161.7 is probably a good weight. It's not as low as I thought it might be.

Could have been our lot?  Very remote during the walk.  The power is out and the rain has started.   Beginning to work through emergency mode but cut short by the end of day and darkness. 

 https://www.livescience.com/torsion-balance-breakthrough-prize.html

Not even sure what the article is about.   Everything is meaningless right now. Surrounded by sickness and I may be getting something. Should go to gym but it is dark with no power here and wet and I feel the sluggishness of despair and sadness although I shouldn't complain to you, not that you are listening. 

How different it would be if I was well and could hold you in the darkness. 

dod 62 an eternity

Thursday to Saturday no significant technical work allowed. I did make the transit and planned next moves, still some time off to deal with pool and hot tub and office and mail and emergencies due next week. Sunday morning is well underway

I've no patience so it is just as well but i have to get started soon as Dec is rushing by

A nice sunrise with so much noise of traffic,  leaf blowing, all the things which i didn't miss.  For going to the office, Bike, then walk, for the dog, but no intensity minutes, well 69, but exercising all day for 69 minutes; most of which may be brushing the pool.  It was dark green and clouds were brushed up from the bottom, but at 4:00 there will be a time to turn off the pump after flocking and things will settle to the bottom.  Weather says rain, if it rains enough will be a way to get rid of enough of the algae without wasting water to do...what?  Sell this house and get the freedom that would come with that?  Where's the incentive?  Still in not in a position to choose what to do unless and unless is risky to assume even unlikely based on recent events. 

The hot tub is still fully functional and nice. That's something for the cool nights, a depressing alternative to what I need. 

I keep thinking that things would be better if I was doing what you're doing.

It's not that I would be better at it, we both know you're better; I just might appreciate it more.

Succession gets weirder, but I still like it, you can see Will Ferrel's handprints, I think.  How come I cannot watch this stuff with you how come my life isn't with you?  What is this gilded cage?  What is happening with the science thing?  Will it die this brilliant death, will I be put in a position to do something more complicated?  Why can't you help me through this?

I'm exhausted from the trip and this thing which is constantly over us, well over me because of us.  I had to buy out my cousin and the need to sell the investment property is very high but I have not even been out to see it.  Had to take on a 1000 expense, but it's minor compared to the taxes I have to deal with. The ip stuff is looming. I'll have to give up my short cut to save money and timing although things are largely cut to the bone.

Work computers sluggish and not totally responsive after long inactivity. Hopefully it will be better tomorrow when everything has a chance to update. It's the first full business day back and I'll have pebbles to do no matter what. 

In a way the emergencies are nice because I know what I'll have to do and tomorrow is a swim day if I can get myself to exercise which I'll need to deal with the tension. Then it's on to the ip Work for the remainder of The week. So much to do...

`dod 61 republished mush free

I went old school, talking about missing you, asking you dumb questions.  why bother?  so mush free version:  I did what I intended, but I didn't know how to stick with it or why.   Sort of like when I first told you how i felt, remember you blew me off first, not that you could have understood.  I think I am sincere now, but who knows anymore.  I gave some thought to moving on. It is a hard decision especially given all the chains.  I made these chain in life, one link at a time; I think that is what Marley said, not living life correctly.  I understand Marley and I feel the weight of those chains because I could not give you that child or that horrible life that would have been with me.

This is the thought I woke up to, not the first time; but ready to write it down at least:  In a non-relativistic environment, time and energy are relativistic effects.  This is a more profound concept which may allow for a form of randomness on top of a fixed system.  It may well require the redefinition of what random refers to and helps explain a baseline to which all events must ultimately stick or come back to while allowing variation above the level of ct4t11 in this case.  Is it possible there is a real, false randomness, so way to have freedom of choice with a fixed universe, a failure of my excuse to you and myself?  It should not be the case, but it would explain a lot.

I'm quickly going from over 1000 intensity minutes per week back to 150.   Today, first time in 3 days, got 99, a good swim with record times according to the limited history of the stupid watch and probably being in a larger pool alone and with plenty of oxygen.  Then a walk in the humidity at night with the dog, no fear of coyotes even though some do live in town.

12/19 to 1/2 another long gym closure with no mountain hikes.  I lost weight, deferred tension, drank more coffee and spent more time thinking; now I have a broken keyboard and the stresses of everyday life.  It is a poor trade and I may yet go back.  If I do what alternative do I look for?

For the moment i have 3 months of emergencies, taxes, real estate issues and the like to think about, computer changes and the like which I think I have figured out.

A look back into the darkness before the light.

dod 60

A grueling last 2 days.  little sleep.  things did not go the way i waned them to.  several disappointments in an otherwise promising time, somehow tired as i am i can only grumble about what is bothering me.

No energy to write this, tomorrow should be better.

I shoud not set myself up, like expecting that we would do these studies in fall clouds together.  it has stopped raining everywhere apparently.

dod 58-the dead arise and begin moving about

For a while I cooked, the more elaborate the better, but i seem to be on peanut butter and tortilla chips with pickles for dessert.

Not a lot of options here.  I had a lot of options, I have a lot of options, but there are no real options.  If you hadn't exploded and hadn't killed me maybe I'd have more options, I'd certainly be looking at doing something vastly different; but options and decision are as different as flour and cake.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbjEiDDY0Kc

Woke early this morning, realized the seminar is tomorrow.

Made a what to do when I leave list.

This is the pile of slag, place I targeted to walk when I was afraid of snakes and its now a close hike that I can do alone without thinking, but I haven't sat on it.  And I am alone in ways that you cannot imagine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XwOeJW_9HU

Something for you.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bl0e5DrYLyY

Finally, not a big fan of Crypto, understand the draw, but what difference does it make if everyone is doing it; it's basically just bitcoin forgery, something I think was not said in this rant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaJpYjO136o