agony of life in draft form

Tension and nerves
Bad diet and anxiety
almost ready to return to the stories
of the lost years
unwilling, they have started to surface again
the beautiful sisters and the wrong choice
one healthy one crippled
the pain so heavy
that I had to cry out aloud
even after 40 years
the invitation and the incompetence
why couldn't someone so painfully shy
have been given the chance he needed
and why now was that person still in me
still wishing he could apologize
for not having the maturity
to give the right answer, the only answer
why do I still make the wrong decisions
when the right choices are so clear cut
what flaw is there which tortures me
could it be true that everything happened already
that we are only the image of it playing out
would that I could accept that as the explanation
because the only true explanation
is a lack of conviction and courage
Am I truly alone in this
is there anyone else there who given the choice
makes the right decision, regardless of consequences
and why am I still waiting after all these days
for things to come to fruition
when they are so close
what are these continual delays
what unseen forces stop me at every turn
and when I look in the mirror
why do I see them staring back at me