Oh it is irritating. I identify this problem, I come up with the solutions; and instead of funding my research for almost nothing, they blow billions on projects where all the manufacturing will be sent to asia further strengthening the economic enemies (economic warfare being the end result if not the intention) and weakening through the export of even more technology and money all because I am considered too unqualified.
It is very frustrating. Sometimes I can almost scream with my frustration at the stupidity of those around me. And yet am I not a part of the problem.
And yet this is not the most frustrating thing in my life.
Today I told the story of the two times that I achieved enlightenment. Yes, not just once but twice. I did it to try to save someone else's life. Part of my obligation, part of the chains that bind me. And so tonight, I will write the story for you. I will spare you the details, but it is not a kindness, but a reservation of what is too personal.
The first time as a teenager the second time as an adult. Both times I was confronted with feelings that the world was an overwhelming thing, that it would be better not to "suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fate."
What is enlightenment then? What happened to me on both occasions.
The first time I was young and one day I merely woke up happy. I embraced the horror that was the world I lived in and from that point was able to enjoy it more than anyone who was happy to begin with, who was spared the pain, who did not have to embrace the horror.
The second time, I faced the horror as an adult, the same feelings of being overwhelmed. This time it was not so easy to move on, because the horror never went totally away, even now I wait for the last whisps of the problems to leave me free to pursue my dreams again. But even at the very bottom, at the depths of my problems, the same thing happened. It was made visible by someone who saved my life in every way, but teaching me what I learned on my own the first time. That is, that you must embrace the horror, not let it kill you, but let it teach you to do what is important. And so I did, and so I was able to attend to all my problems, to rise even stronger from them, even better off than I was before. And yet, I have not pursued what is most important, I have been saved and I have been enlightened, but I have turned my life on the enlightenment even while I embrace the horror.
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