6.13.22

The camera fails to capture the rose color and torn up nature of the sky after the evening thunderstorm from yesterday as dusk descended.

Yesterday after the walk and before the afternoon, I swam 2000 yards ending with over 500im for the week (1000plus a little im for swimming vs im for intensity minutes).  Everything goes back to zero today; but I don't feel compelled to get more exercise than I otherwise would today.  My glasses fogged in the humidity when I walked outside this morning, it was 80 degrees or more even though the sun wasn't out.  I doubt I'll ride my bike to work, but we'll see.  I'm ahead of a lot of things, not sure what I'll do with the rest.

Next week, after the deadlines of the 15th, I'm going to look more closely at this mail/nm issue.  I also will likely meet with realtors; a fairly significant part of dealing with the overall problems.  How different things would be, would have been if I could get some confirmation of where things stand, for better or worse.  My daydreams and my day realities are miles apart and yet sometimes i cannot tell them apart.

I have to have faith that something better is possible.  Do you or have you already found it?

Long after the deadline for rained, a thunderstorm slowly built up, adding enough water to buy another day, not a gully washer, but a significant rain, maybe a half inch or perhaps more or less who can tell but it rained at last for a few minutes and sprinkled a while afterwards, now the grass will need to be cut again..  This morning, many hours afterwards the grass was still soaking wet as if it had rained again this morning, the humidity I think.  It was just a bit of rain after all, the level just high enough so I can wait another day or two for more rain before adding water to give more rain a chance to do what the  uncooperative storm started yesterday.  

If I had something to catch the rain off the roof it would have been even better.  Cool air from heaven came with along with memories of you in the  rain and thunder. 

Mail seems to be the biggest problem with my change of location. I have dealt, on paper, with the immediate problems of extending the patents outward without affecting anything immediate.  that is something of a problem on so many levels; but at least I know what I am looking for.

Worked very hard from sunup till 3:30 and was pretty wasted, barely able to deal with calls and emails after that.  no good news.

I swam 1500 yards tonight, just to cool down, the pool was at 87 degrees when I got in.  It won't be long before it is too hot to swim in except in the mornings.  How weird things are.

6.12.22

It is not quite 7, the sun is fairly high in the sky, scortching the air.  I just finished a 2.3 mile walk with the dog aftter getting up around 5:40 and feeding the pets and reheating a quarter cup of coffee so i could have a few swallows before i started, not quite awake; unhappy both with the 80 degree overnight temperatures, my life, and by the end of the walk, this blog.

I no longer have to worry about shock if i jump into the deep end of the pool, it remains above 80 degrees. if there is no rain today, i will have to add water from a hose, the first time today for the summer.

I write it while I walk, eat, sleep; a fantasy, no better than any of the other horrible things spawned by the internet.  I should say it has to end; but it serves a purpose for me.  Now i fear it is a disservice; a fantasy to make an unacceptable reality palatable.

 it looks unlikely that any of the af grants will be pursued.  2, even if there is nothing for the af, is enough for now, i think.  i covered what i wanted to.  there is one more to consider, perhaps, which would work within the time limits, but i'd need to get more input which i doubt i'll see.

more is coming, i dont need to do these to be doing as much as I need for something to happen with those already pending, but there is no telling what is going to happen next if anything.

I fell asleep for a little while yesterday.  was busy, hot, and i "needed to catch up" on sleep after the stress filled days leading up to the grants that were filed.  Having trouble seeing this as I type it, sigh.

Do i wish i could forget your laugh, what you feel like, that I  could be happy that you found what you want without me?  What type of thing am i?

Is there some way to beat this thing?  If I must agree at last that this blog needs to stop, i will leave one more reason for you to feel lucky, I bought this chicken and I made 3 meals from it so far, with two more to go.

Dinner was homemade chicken salad. 

Before assembly. 

Was half a chicken enough for 3 sandwiches this way.  It was really good too; but who wants to be with someone who manages money like this and is so foolish with everything important?

 

The ability to change is here, right now.  I only await the sign I need, i have done so much to make this thing happen.  what a struggle it has been to get where i am now even though i have gotten nowhere in so many ways.

I have to change life to find this thing to look forward to after work, not just writing to noone about nothing.

This only works because i live in a place large enough to always be alone. I'm tired of always needing to be alone.  I embrace isolation even as i reject it. 

61122

Summer heat is here, lows at night in the high 70s, the 80s probably coming.  Swimming is high on the list of exercising although yesterday was an example of basicallly risking electrocution.  That will continue this week; but it is early to start worrying that i will have to go back to the gym.The Hill: HHS report warns of extreme heat risks in coming months.

https://thehill.com/changing-america/sustainability/climate-change/3517379-hhs-report-warns-of-extreme-heat-risks-in-coming-months/

The news is not great, inflation, war (related), treason, things largely eclipsing global warming with more immediate disasters.  I am curious to see what happens next.  There was an interesting story that caught my attention and made me wonder how crazy i was.https://bigthink.com/starts-with-a-bang/another-einstein-or-newton/

If i was like you, i would likely no longer look for calls, emails or faxes.  I suppose the science i have is the indication that i chew on problems long afer it makes sense or maters.  If i was normal like you then i would be looking past the present morass instead of feeling responsible for it.

 I wish i could show you the nature of the trap, the pain that you do not get to experience, so exquisitely terrible and what i wanted to share with you so badly i was willing to sacrifice everything for that.

An animal that chews its own foot off to escape, i can understand that and understand the slow death that follows as that act of bravely slowly seeps out of the severed arteries.

How I love, both a statement and a question, flashes of the past, the weight of the present and watching hope slowly bleeed out of the future.

I  am done with what i have to do for the day although there are a couple of grants to work on if i decide its worth it.  I would be unlikely to get either, but both are exercises in what can be done.

I did the two bike ride/gym weight work out which i finished by 9 which was still hot; but was cool on the parts down hill in the shade and the weight part was in air conditioning and it makes me think about you; so it was nice enough, it was 62im for the day and i dont feel like i need to do more.

I have been thinking about nm, and talking and i have done a lot towards the concept of marketing the book and the model.   while i cannot afford to do that right now, it is a now or never type of thing.  the failure to sell property or get a grant, dare i say yet, weighs heavily on me.

I have showered and dressed for the second time today and i am alone in a quiet house and while i need to look at the work and probably do this one more grant, i am in no hurry. it is 10am

6/10/22

Had some scary time today.

 More work to do but I did the equiv of a one mile swim and with all the im last night after the last of the thunder knowing rain was likely tomorrow.  At 730 pm i felt quite invigorated and there was a focus on some weight bearing upper body to the extent that can be done in the pool.

It was hard catching my breath, the heat of the water and the humidity perhaps but I felt charged afterwards and like despite the worry and stress that I would sleep well. 

Today it was a 2.5 mile walk while a storm brewed in from the west, then 1000 yards, including 800 im (a little over the min) while the sky turned increasingly threatening and the trees whipped about.  That was unsafe; but things here have been beyond miserable and getting hit by lightening would have been a mixed bag, death with peace perhaps.

The dog who is terrified of lightening sensed the need to stay close to the pool so I had a thunder barometer and I had tea for lunch and if life was a bit more dear it would have been a big risk; but it wasn't and this gave me some relief from OD'ing on caffeine. Anyway, it's raining now so I was ahead of that and while I can still feel the effects of too much caffeine and the separation anxiety which has been here for almost a year strangely unabated; i can also benefit from a little privacy and the aftereffects of a minimal swim.

The grant work is done for the immediate present although I am going to do some signal work potentially over the w/e and may look at this other direct to phase 2 concept which is a bridge too far, but it can be qualified to get at least one af mission statement out there; but my concern for this issue is minimal.  If I file nothing more i can get turned down for nothing more, but it is an interesting exercise if it is possible.

I'm stressed out but also exhausted.  I have no choice but to assume the end was here some time ago; but the future remains for the future.

6.9.22 o-fgus

 That appeared mysteriously at the beginning of some work,  a message from the universe but who is us?

Woke at normal 5am ish time; decided around 6 to ride my bike to work to get there and back in advance of the afternoon storms forecast and did that.

Uploaded everything, including significant drafting for the second grant and if I stick with these two I am a collection of button pushes away from having everything filed which is a relief even though there are 6 days left including a weekend.  There is the next provisional to finish which is what I'm doing this afternoon, something that is substantially less from a pressure standpoint; still a lot of work to do which will suggest some changes to the grant filings.

I have an exhaustion that will last my entire life, at least it feels that way. It could just be the heat and humidity. I jumped in the pool after the bike ride which felt good. I'm out of food to eat. It's been an absurdly expensive month or two. I won't recover till after July. There's no immediate relief in sight but I can afford to wait till October before things build up and a lot can happen in those few months. 

What are you doing I wonder.?  Is it wrong for me to think I could fix this if my project started working?

Those are Ukraine colors from the past.  A coincidence or a premonition, it could be either.

6.8.22

 Nothing?

171.8 under what I'd have to call near ideal circumstances and after a 2.5 mile walk this morning, this time before the sun came up. Even as early as it was,  dark with the planets clear in the sky when I started it was hot and muggy and I didn't make it easy. 

Not by much, I suspect, but managed to beat the maintenance people.

I have one of the two grants at the point where there is nothing left to do other than some button pushing, although I may update the paperwork some, maybe not.

The other, well I did the auido that may or may not be usable in the system, there are some alternatives there.

It took half a day and will probably take another half day for the second one which will be on the agenda for tomorrow.

I have a lot to consider in connection with these things.  There are other tons of work to do, some of which i did today and some of which i did not.

I need someone like you who i can talk to; there are things to say at the end of a day like today.

I should have swam, but earlier the weather seemed threatening and now it is late.  i did some upper body stuff, but not nearly enough.

It is peaceful, the pool is clear blue and there is a gentle breeze.  I am lost.

6.7.22

 Time grows extremely short although I have made progress with the drafts and have something which can be filed although the additional forms are not prepared which is likely a day's work and the budget while roughed out is not ready.  There is an opportunity to pursue one more, but it is not likely; even getting the two that are ready filed is going to push things.

I rode my bike to work, the sun was just coming up and it was cool and not bright except when the sun was free of the trees.  It was a short ride there, after a massive but very short storm it was a harder ride back.  It was not much, 8 miles, maybe 47 IM.

Afterwards I swam an easy 2000 yards, didn't get any IM for that and probably didn't deserve but a few.

7 hours and 20 minutes of sleep although i was rested, drank way too much tea, the reason even after the hot ride back I felt I needed to swim.

i witnessed someone (a friend) totally lose their cool today, it was a little scary, but I cant say more about it here.  I suppose everyone is on edge.

I was beset by terrible self doubts on the ride back, life lost much of whatever is left.  I wish we could talk, but we cannot because I cannot...reset.  I suppose to keep emotion out of it, that is the best i can do.

I do not like the ukraine situation.  It looks very much like the Ukrainian army may be surrounded.  While I understand the sentiments, it is unlikely the help needed will arrive in time and if that happens, the south will likely fall too.  I do not know what I would do in the situtation; i am not a general.

it is the war, the economy, the election, the problems with my project despite its promise, the lack of news and the inevitable news, the risks being taken, the waiting for things, the new deadline that looms and getting ready for it, its everything; its being away from what i love.