6.12.22

It is not quite 7, the sun is fairly high in the sky, scortching the air.  I just finished a 2.3 mile walk with the dog aftter getting up around 5:40 and feeding the pets and reheating a quarter cup of coffee so i could have a few swallows before i started, not quite awake; unhappy both with the 80 degree overnight temperatures, my life, and by the end of the walk, this blog.

I no longer have to worry about shock if i jump into the deep end of the pool, it remains above 80 degrees. if there is no rain today, i will have to add water from a hose, the first time today for the summer.

I write it while I walk, eat, sleep; a fantasy, no better than any of the other horrible things spawned by the internet.  I should say it has to end; but it serves a purpose for me.  Now i fear it is a disservice; a fantasy to make an unacceptable reality palatable.

 it looks unlikely that any of the af grants will be pursued.  2, even if there is nothing for the af, is enough for now, i think.  i covered what i wanted to.  there is one more to consider, perhaps, which would work within the time limits, but i'd need to get more input which i doubt i'll see.

more is coming, i dont need to do these to be doing as much as I need for something to happen with those already pending, but there is no telling what is going to happen next if anything.

I fell asleep for a little while yesterday.  was busy, hot, and i "needed to catch up" on sleep after the stress filled days leading up to the grants that were filed.  Having trouble seeing this as I type it, sigh.

Do i wish i could forget your laugh, what you feel like, that I  could be happy that you found what you want without me?  What type of thing am i?

Is there some way to beat this thing?  If I must agree at last that this blog needs to stop, i will leave one more reason for you to feel lucky, I bought this chicken and I made 3 meals from it so far, with two more to go.

Dinner was homemade chicken salad. 

Before assembly. 

Was half a chicken enough for 3 sandwiches this way.  It was really good too; but who wants to be with someone who manages money like this and is so foolish with everything important?

 

The ability to change is here, right now.  I only await the sign I need, i have done so much to make this thing happen.  what a struggle it has been to get where i am now even though i have gotten nowhere in so many ways.

I have to change life to find this thing to look forward to after work, not just writing to noone about nothing.

This only works because i live in a place large enough to always be alone. I'm tired of always needing to be alone.  I embrace isolation even as i reject it.