Don't look back for Chapter one. It hasn't been typed yet. What is says is that you don't need zombies to have a zombie book. You just have to have the end of the world and we all know that the end of the world exists now, its just a question of when and how. The zombies are just the embodiment of death. But this book isn't about chapter one. Like I say in Chapter 1, the book is not about the end of the world, or zombies. It talks about how I was dead before when you stopped believing in me, but it's not about that either. It's about you because losing you is the end of the world.
So let me tell you what happened to you. It started 11 years before I met you. I was only 10 years old when my mother died and took what was a tendency and turned it into a crippling life condition. I guess to some extent I felt like I had let down the person who was most important to me even though I don't think it was my fault. Maybe I would have internalized something else if that hadn't happened. Somehow all the bad things I did, all the stupid wastes of time, all the defects that I was born with and acquired over my lifetime became my fault.
For a while they were overwhelming, so much so that I wanted to die and maybe I would have killed myself; except I didn't. One day I woke up and suddenly I realized I had bounced. I had reached the very bottom of my life, I had no friends, I was missing a front tooth, I felt my life was going nowhere and I realized for the first time in my life I had nothing to live for and I experienced a rebirth for the first time. For years after that I was able to be happy just because I had survived the abyss, the end of the universe, the zombie apocalypse. But something happened in those intervening years and I started to loose everything all over again.
For a while I was a very bad person. I was trying to make up for lost time and I was willing to do it at the expense of other people. I outgrew that, but I did not spiritually reawaken, I just had children and they were more important that I was and that took me outside of myself.
But I've gotten past you and I haven't gotten to my second spiritual reawakening.
Before I get to you, maybe what I need to do is to tell you what love is since you might not know. I don't know that I know, so all I can do is guess. Its caring more about someone else than you care about yourself, unless you're just in love with yourself. It doesn't mean being with them if that isn't the best thing for them. It doesn't mean blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong with their life, although that is something that I do, it's part of my disability, like the missing tooth. I can't do anything about it, but I can put it in perspective and say, ok, its my fault, but I'm going to go on anyway. I've bounced once, I've bounced twice, though I haven't talked about that yet, and if I don't bounce the third time, then it'll mean the zombies got me.
I told you that I loved you from the first time I saw you. That means the first time I saw you I wanted your happiness more than mine. That may not be true. The first time I saw you maybe I just wanted to fuck you. But that wasn't how our relationship developed. I didn't fuck you, at least not then. Instead, I fell in love with you. Or maybe I just thought I did, maybe that was just some way of dealing with the fact that I couldn't have sex with you.
So maybe my definition of love is right and maybe its not. Maybe I loved you and maybe I didn't. Maybe I love you now. I think that I do, but I don't know how much of what I think is right and how much of it is just a part of my disease.
I'm not sure if I'm alive or not right now, because I don't know if you believe in me or not, but if I'm going to keep bouncing I have to do what I'm doing here and maybe I have to hope that you still believe in me, but I don't know that you still believe in me and I'm not sure what believing in me entails, but maybe I'll figure it out and maybe I won't.
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