So april ended with the bang of an exploding transformer and the power was out 6 hours, coming on at 4 with only a lamp, although i was up.
The timing was fortuitous, the meal eaten, the kitchen cleaned, it being near time to go to sleep.
Detroit Free Press: Charging an EV at home, in public: Everything to know about cost, time, stations.
https://www.freep.com/story/money/cars/mark-phelan/2022/04/30/ev-charging-station-home-public-cost/7284442001/
the mother of all nightmarish dreams. no pants, a resort setting, why i was there something of a mystery. i did sleep with no pant last night, Early in a dream which went on quite a while before and after, i climbed into and then was getting stuck in a boat floating high in the air way above any reasonable height wwhere even floating boats would be (it fdrifted out of a holding pond which was likethe top of a cartoon volcanoe, and waiting for it to drift back to where i could climb off without falling a few miles, it drifted even farther from the edge to where it was floating. why i climbd ito it ill likely never know, then this whole group of people who semed to be your family came and i left, still with no pants, to find some, there were an unusually large number of children; i went out of a small door into some great outdoors, getting locked outside in a china town with lots of stores but not the drug store where i at least hoped to buy underwear with still no pants and a dragon parade going by, still looking for a drug store because all these people had shown up when i was in the bathtub, your family i think, and of course even if id found a drug store in this china town complete with clothes lines running between buildings, no pants and therefore no wallet, Then going back inside oddly i had my phone but couldnt get out of a program to take pictures, so i had to tell everyone about the parade saying i would join the children who were already leaving as soon as i found my walllet only to wake at last after finding my wallet had been emptied, why not steal the whole thing?
Anyway, no thoughts of going to sleep after that. Breathing last night was a big problem. I had my breathing machine and had used it, noisy and laregely ineffective, sometimes i think my mouth opens and the air just blows through my nose to the outside without any making it to my lungs. Small wonder i fall asleep and waking up at 430 am with no chance of going back to sleep does not help anything.
It is almost 8pm, a transformer blew so there is no power and I can appreciate the dusk.
I've sacrificed for you, quite a bit and just now or was it for me or was it for naught? I miss you much more than the power, without you it is like there is no night.
5 am awake everyone fed, one insane animal crying.
I fell asleep early, so i had almost 9 hours of sleep, perhaps 8 with all the waking up
did my exercises, but i am still having flash backs of being in the high plains desert
the dog was up early too, perhaps that is why. he eyes me suspiciously, perhaps he is having flashbacks too.
my libido was very high yesterday, even that little interaction awakening something inside of me, beter hidden; but after swimming, the temperature warmer, between 72 and 74 i was tired. This morning the simmiring passion is back.
I feel like i should skip exercising and take a recovery day, but it would also be a good day, being up so early, to ride to work, cool, there cant be too many of these days left. No decision yet, it is dark outside. I have lights, but it is a dangerous ride even in the daylight both in terms of cars that might not see the lights or which might stop working and the uneven terrain.
I still have not gotten very far in the work that is time sensitive although after coming up with a good ending in the swim i finished the short paper; easier to write than to edit i suppose. It is wrong to say i have not gotten very far, i am dangerously behind in the schedule and there is much to add.
It was supposed to be a slash and burn job but it has not been. My budget is a mess and there is a lot to do yet.
It is cool here, there is a slight snow in vermont which is not sticking to the ground. A werid global warming thing as ice caps melt. That too is the nature of my work to some extent. I have that as an issue that i can at least potentially address, i am alone in that, it is too unfair to comprehend. When will i get time to rest, together.
It is still early, the crazy animal has gotten quiet, the dog has curled up and gone back to sleep, in the far east the sun will be up soon, there is no rest for me.
It is a bad time to be digging up goddesses of war.
Our did this one want to be found?
i am not aging well. This is your chance to be thankful for what you don't have to deal with. The most immediate problem is still my eyes, they do little more than provide a glimpse at what they once were.
my shoulders only still hold onto the look of a swimmer, maybe my neck and the legs are not gone yet, but my head and my torso show the ravages of age
My prostate at a minimum is messed up, getting me up thru the night.
I'm not some great treat. I'm the trick, an old mess that is trouble to deal with not the answer to your dreams even if I hoped I could be.
I am, however, motivated by passion still and despite everything, the fights, the lack of any real relationship and, of course...
the selfish lover, part 3.
let me put this to you
that i sacrificed my well being for you too
i have never used you more than you used me
it is not enough for you no matter what i do
solve the space time continuum/?
shouldn't that be enough for anyone
ho hum you say, of course you did that for me
what little trinkets you offer in exchange for my erratic love, you say
you come and go at will
comfortable that the spell you cast cannot be broken
oh you are the injured one in this
i am the bad guy
because i fell in love with you and told you first
when it could have been simple
and now that it is more complex somehow you are innocent
because after everyone else we had something special
even for you
although i doubt that, i am just one in a line
the only thing i bring to the table is a greater illusion
and i write bad poetry
oh, it is such a trial that i have to have you write poetry to my beauty and mental perfection
really, cannot someone love someone else without it being a burden
especially if nothing is asked in return, only hoped for
I wonder if I can't protect you or Ysidro you away what Good am i to anyone
Fox News: New Orleans losing another high-ranking cop; deputy superintendent expected to leave amid crime surge.
https://www.foxnews.com/usnew-orleans-police-knoxville-crime
It is evening in rome, there is heat and rain in the world
It is6 am.
I woke up discomforted by th feeling that I should be able to sleep in peace without hearing from you.
what right do ihave to hear from you
it should be enough that i know you are well,that i can express my feelings
except i cannot because i cannot trust my feelings
oh, i love you, there is no question about that
the memory of you? at least right now?
how can i trust my feelings when i am so unrequited
I cannot trust my feelings anymore than i can trust the future.
real love requires time together time to become disappointed
there is much in the world i take for granted
i never took for granted that i would hear your voice
i dont take for granted that i will see you again
so it comes as little surprise that i would wake up
discomforted, uncertain what to do next
even as so much waits for my attention
and the future slips through my fingers
sands in the hourglass.
172.2 this morning. I dont have a problem wearing any of my clothes except those size 36 pants which now fall off of me.
I think i probably hit my target wt of 170 in nm (down from180 and occasionally plus) and the 175 average that I had when I left. This seems to be stable, albeit with 12 workouts every 7 days. The question of building from here remains illusive since losing weight is not longer crucial, it is a matter of increasing health.
After our short little talk, I can feel the emotion boiling in each of us.
It reflects something so shared that the two sides merge and it becomes one thing
I want you, you want me, I want a world with nothing else, I'm not so sure that is shared
I want to explain this to you, do you know how much I lost, how much time
Even now I can barely remember the last 4 months, age or sadness or both
I was hurt, confused, what was I doing this for? who was I without you
A ghost? Some sort of portal for a universe to feed information through?
Were those the same thing, what about the love that brought me above that?
I should have known that the bonds would be harder to break
I wish you could hear yourself, I can play it back in my head
It hurt before, now it makes me smile with love
Only I fear if we do not do this right, it will happen again and even worse
I worry about my ability to run back into that maelstrom again
My heart and my body long for it, but I'm not as young as I used to be
I don't know if I can take as much, whether I can bounce back again
If there is only one chance left, let us take it, I say to myself
But I have a harder time telling it to you, it is what I want
Not for you but for me, too selfish to maintain the passion, it would melt
Not 100% sure where to go right now.
I have a list of things to do, but I don't have an order for them.
I keep looking for some sign, but its like one of those crazy signs that says this far to alpha centaury, the other way to New Mexico and that way to Brazil. So where to go next.
It is Saturday morning. I have been at work after a fashion since 6 am saving the world or at least predicting how it will end. I was born too soon, i would have enjoyed seeing the sun move across the earth from space. I know too much, i would enjoy believing the possibilities that existed when i was younger. But perhaps i also got to see the glaciers before they melted and traveled to disney world before it was a center of controversy.
Happy 4.4.4 day, i am sure you get it.
Yesterday evening was pleasant. In the distance someone was having a small gathering of friends, the birds almost drowned them out, the pool was clear although it had a greenish tint and the last of the clouds were in the distance as the sun set.
Today I walked to the office and did the scary railroad tracks, a place with some escape areas and some not. I'm guessing it's 20 minutes on that part, but i didn't time it. That doesn't sound like much, but a full speed train would probably cover that distance from where you can't see it to where I would be might be 10 or 15 minutes. That being said, it is a beautiful trail in the middle of town.
My computer display is not working right, usable, but not right. One working, one not.
My eyes are perhaps a bigger problem. i can't see for sure where the train would begin.
My emotions get away from me; but all I can think is how badly I need to catch up with them.
Interesting sidebar I did 4 swims, 4 rides and 4 walks on last 7 days. Coincidence.
My last call was good enough but left me more impatient and just as unsatisfied.
I'm outside still warming up from the barely warm enough swim that may allow me to fall asleep tonight without you. 😴
An early version of a connection where the overlap might have been lost love
You could be eating this with me.
I forced myself to stay in bed till 4, but sleep was elusive. I remember the lonliness of the desert and wondered how someone could live there and at the same time thought how good it could be if you were there, the spring in the desert.
I read the last words from last night, a message i missed because i fell asleep early, thankfully, because i means that I got some sleep in the night.
Things are nightmarish as I wait to see what happens next. it is dark outside, not the dark before the dawn which is still far off, but the darkness of nighttime, not yet gone.
the world is engaged in a war, the same one, good vs evil, that is always going on, the two arms of the spiral by my math, what makes one good and one evil, why cant both be good.
I think of the book chapter i have promised, half written, unsatisfying.
I have to profit by my work and time is not my friend in this. I have calls to make, papers to write, expenses to meet, decisions to make, math to process, and while i may have some time, there are patents yet to be writtenj, one perhaps due in the middle of next month, although that seems unlikely, and prosecutions that need to be outsourced.
and you who came back to haunt me, to entice me away from everything. what is any of this except a legacy without you and i am not ready to die just yet. How I need you right now, we are the sun and jupiter, a pair, neither of us the center, everything between us irrelevant and we spin around each other, who is the sun and who the dead planet, I think we both know that answer, i am so close to being in a position to do something with this, so close to making it work for me, why does it stay illusive, what defect is there in me that keeps me from it and from you.
Can you for give me for my uncontrolled love, can you forgive youself, can we forgive each other and can we be forgiven by everyone else, and can we be together, can good and evil be satisfied for at least a moment together or is this place that has become so unsatisfying as i see it more clearly be forever without peace.
Some mornings are better than others.
It is cool outside and that is nice. It is just now 5 or 501 and i have already been up for a while, although I am at least close to having enough sleep and the inner ear thing is at bay for the moment.
Today is a busy day. yesterday started with great promise, but did not end as well as i would have liked. i continue to feel alternatively comfortable and uncomfortable about things, but not as well as i would like. I am reminded both of what i need to do and what has occurred that is positive.
https://youtu.be/XaLd5w6zF7A
That is what swimming is right now.
I am unhappy about the war between Russia and Ukraine which seems so violent and unnecessary. It does not just seem violent. For all the difficult decisions i have to make, they are nothing compared to the weird balancing acts and life and death decisions being made around that thing. I am trying to develop science to save mankind, but it appears to be wasted effort.
It is almost 7 and I've ridden my bike and I am warming up which is nice. The inner ear thing is not much better today. I took care of the biggest deadline of the remaining month, it was nice to get that out of the way. I've determined the path forward on the rest of the tech which is a problem for next week and that means I will worry about it next week.
It snowed in Vermont. There is a war in Ukraine. I need to climb on my roof and see if there is a leak that I can take care of. It cannot be much of a leak which might mean it will be hard to find. I am not as lithe as I used to be, but it is a low roof. Not something I can do with the inner ear thing which is coming and going today, a little more coming than going. It made the bike ride a little more exciting. If it wasn't for the nausea it might have been interesting.
They provided a zoom link so that's how I'm attending my charity meeting. My brain and my body are both too messed up to do anything else. Ahh, the first notice popped up. I have to go. Sell your house and lets move to a remote place and stock up on freeze dried food; but for now I will feed the homeless instead.
Spent much of Sunday evening researching for a book which I don't care about but has an important mathematics history. It is oddly haunting. It rained constantly reflecting my mood which is one of guilty frustration given my good fortune of late and the important things that are unfairly within and without of my reach.
I swam this afternoon which has left me dead to the world, it is cold again. In lieu of weight lifting I did a heavy brushing of the pool and then shocked it to deal with the effects of the rain and the brushing. It was clear, but greenish.
I saw no intensity minutes today, even the category was missing. It is not as hard doing fly tied to the pool but it's intense especially the cold.
I did no cleaning at work today at all which puts me behind, but I did unload some necessary supplies so perhaps the purchases offset it a bit. One of the purchases, electric guitar strings.
I haven't weighed myself in a while. Intended to do it this morning, but was distracted. i'm not that hungry, my stomach is acting up, but I figure once I get started I will probably eat enough and I had a friend take me out to a lunch where, at last, I got the liver I had been wanting and it was delicious as long as I don't think about it too much. Probably eating meat, a rarity, is the reason my stomach is asking me what's going on.
I've rehydrated quite a bit. Got mediocre news, something I didn't like, but i didn't hate it either. It gives me something to think about and tells me that shortcuts are few and far between. I need marketing help and I need for one of those pesky grants to come through and it appears that the time frame for those is further off than I'd like.
I did get some glowing third party reviews which helps ease the pain of being told to work more and then come back. The revenge lies in successfully testing at one of the two labs (it could be 3) lined up and having those results make this a required and licensed thing so that I could bemoan what could have been with the maximum amount of false sincerity. I may not be a very good person.
But then these are perilous times for everyone.
Easter.
It's 530which is late considering how early I fell asleep. Bike ride and cold swim yesterday. Slept surprisingly well, it helps to be exhausted and I certainly was.
Considering how things are in the world it isn't surprising that I can't sleep some nights and last night should have been a bad one but I slept like I was innocent of all things.
Love is such a strange thing, i keep thinking that time and distance should weaken it; but it only gets stronger. How is that possible.
I wonder if matzoh will be on sale today. I would like to make a breakfast bisquit today, but i have been both eating and exercising a lot (two rides and a swim yesterday) and weird meals.
I have to finish my book club thing soon, although that is not so much of a challenge. I need to publish the kids book for whatever copyright reasons are out there.
I found a 700 a month 1br1ba rental in nm btw. that is scarily low and small but it was on louisiana ave so i think it may be a sign and if we were forced to be that close together, it does not scare me as much as it should.
That brings me to next week which should give me some insight into the future, i should be hearing things and i suppose i am a mere 5 days from that meeting now if it happens and lucky for me it does not matter so much if it happens or not, there being so very many pathways opening up to what i do not know, but if it led to a tiny house or even a medium or large house with you in it, whatever fear and challenge would be there would be balanced with anticipation.
What to do next....
There is so much positive happening that the meeting in 6 days is not very important. That being said, a minor thing which did not even matter in the way of progress bothered me yesterday.
The timing issue and the questions regarding who is doing what to follow up or what i need to do to follow up with things or what i do not need to do botther me a great deal.
Monday, for example, i will do some additional work. I have these very large bills, foreign work, insurance, taxes that i have to deal with. I can now, of course, a fortunate turn of events, and even the rising interest rates are not a critical issue right now. Painful, but no longer an economic struggle.
The property sale that I keep hoping will bring things together for the next couple of years continues to elude me, although i suspect i was not too far away over the last few months. If i get to 2023 there will have to be some sort of reckoning, but that is some time off and a lot can happen between now and then. I have to put some things off, but they are not huge things. My problems are small compared to those of the world at large.
Then there is this question of you and those needs i have that i believe you could help with and it pains me to think of the price that needs tobe paid by others so that i can be happy and it is a high price.
Everything is expensive, but i am very very close to being able to afford what is bought with money and with soul; let us see what happens next. A part of that is what happns in 6 days; but that is far less important than what happens in the interim and in the background and i need to stay focused on what i need to finish and my obligations between now and the end of the month are within my mental and physical budgets.
I was up at 5 today, but it is already almost 7. one of my wards was late getting up, still dark back then and i was worried because of sounds of fighting last night, but he came to eat and while the sun came up i wasted some time and eventually came to think about what i needed to say to you here and wonder if there was anything you needed to say to me.
Overslept, rode bike to work, weather was cool and largely perfect, computer opened slow after an upgrade. Had a conference call which I would have gladly missed for all the good it did me, followed up on all the outstanding things, and felt like I had gotten a whole day's worth of work in although there is yet another half day to go.
Have lighting to install. There are some issues there with positioning which I won't go into here. This is not an emergency situation although the lights are sitting there waiting. Since they use existing wiring, I'm thinking this will be a minor undertaking, but its probably more like an hour than a half hour improvement.
I did very little improving today knowing I needed to get a number of ducks in a row before I figured out what was next. Ordered strings for my electric guitar which I haven't picked up in years but in the process of cleaning I decided I'd best deal with it before someone breaks in and steals it.
I am walking the dog this evening but the immediate question is this, if my watch tells me to wait 13 hours after my bike ride at 7, does that mean I can't ride home? These and other mysteries of modern science await.
It looks like a long day ahead, I will return to this after another dive into the work that needs to be done.
Swimming yesterday meant 70 degree water, 10 degrees above life threatening, but two degrees under my self imposed level. still managed to get in the equiv of 2000 yards as i see it with the 1k im in 47 minutes more or less through a fair amount of debris in the pool as strong winds kept the ambient air temp down and heralded storms that passed in the night.
Today i am not sure what i will do, it is early, i was up before 5, and the sun will not rise for more than an hour. I know it is a busy day. There is a lot of science news about an engine that i patented and filed a grant on about a year ago. Not paranoid, but it was put out there in the public, so who knows and who knows whose patent will be first, the fact is that my idea was made by mit and if my patent is first, well perhaps i should write them a letter or better still make it one better if my work came first. The underlying science, if you ignore mine, is very old.
I have to make sure the details are filed somewhere as a utility, a relatively small but important undertaking for one day this week or next. It will be nice to put a date on it, but the grant is perhaps a year ago and so too would whatever is filed.
I started this morning with a day old cinammon roll; i may as well have done a line of cocaine for all the damage to my health these things cause, but it was delicious and I did a lot yesterday, getting the grant stuff out, getting the positive reviews, knowing that i had a chance on that patented heat engine thing and I am now a mere 7 days from the day of the meeting should nothing change.
And then there is you, and what do we make of that as things accelerate. Is that just me? At night it seems that way and it is still dark.
I am continuing the cleaning and also keeping it down to 30 minutes or thereabouts a day. I could be finished for now, but I need to make this as regular as possible because it is much better and the organization is important although there is a lot yet to do to make it all right and I dreamed last night of packing up to leave forever, deciding in the end to mail most of it instead of trying to carry it and there was something about practicing and then abandoning the practice of law involving many of those who are now dead that I worked with, reminding me that our time is running out.
It is tuesday morning. When I woke at 5, i realized i had not properly set my phone on the charger, but it was 5 so it has a lot of time to charge this morning. I am enjoying the last of this fairly mediocre store brand breakfast blend and getting ready to start another full day, but putting off thinking about it as long as possible.
I should probably be writing or reading about writing, but i am just thinking about reading about writing and writing a blog post about thinking.
I am struggling about stuff i wrote earlier; not happy about saying too much, concerned that mistakes I made by acting hastily will come back to haunt me, thinking about things that have to be determined and included if the real estate project rears its head even as I do not know what will happen with it if it does get green lighted, which it likely will not.
That, however, is a minor distraction compared to the other things going on, mistakes if they can be called that which I can live with.
A link
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=399209058872317&id=100063496786135
There is some interesting stuff in here which tells me something, I need to be careful because the applications are complex ones of scale, but all of these things about expansion and contraction can be seen at scale and ng2775 has already played an outsized role which impressive given its outsized size.
I look into the obelisk and there are no stars...
I'm in the office, it was a hot bike ride even though it was before 8. Summer is coming. It was nice to walk into an office that smelled like a pine forest, but it reminds me of all the cleaning that needs to be done yet. I told myself, "30 minutes a day till everything is organized and put away," but we will see.
I did my 30 minutes, cleared out some old equipment and maybe 40% of the filing that needed to be filed and I feel pretty good about things. It looks a lot better, not many paint chips on the floor, ready to vacuum when the time comes.
It looked like rain, so I hoped on the bike, got home and upgraded the music on my swimming headset, probably have 8 or 9 swims between repetition which is nice. it could be more than that, but I'm guessing 9-10 hours plus a few Chinese songs that I should likely delete, but to what end? My heart is breaking, but cleaning helps. I'm waiting for so many things.
Time to get back to work, conferences till 5 and while I'm making progress going through my calendar, it is a week of work every day right now.
Another image
There is so much on my calendar for today that it cannot all be done, so why do i wake up this morning only wanting to reach out here.
An email on Sunday gives me another day on one project since it promises much needed feedback, although strangely not what i need the most.
I should do a countdown time to the meeting on the 21rst, now only 10 days off if nothing changes. Time flies. There is some work to do to prepare for that, the background noise of the bigger projects, the text book which serves as the third or fourth edition of the npte.
I wonder how your morning started off, if we could sit together and talk I would have some ideas for us. It is cool, i should ride my bike to the office, but i will likely drive. I have to start cleaning it although there is a long time, it has not had a thorough reorganization since New Mexico which was months ago and the cleaning has been haphazard, what needs to be done as opposed to what I have to do for a large gathering. Hire someone, yes, but only after the surfaces are cleared, files stored, recycle recycled and in the end I will likely do everything else that needs to be done because why not.
I may bring home the lawnmower to fix it, although I am unsure that it makes a lot of sense, but it will clear out a space.
Ok, its 830am and I have done some work and I've also done a substantial amount of cleaning (sweep/mop) the office which now smells like pine sol, the only thing I had to clean the floors with. It needed that, since it has been some time since I did the entire office. I did not vacuum the carpeted parts which is also important but I have a lot of clearing out to do before I tackle that job since I have been storing materials in the back on the carpet for months while I decide what to do with them.
But enough about cleaning, I have to get back to work!
Algorithm (and algebra) are eponyms associated with our name for the day, Muhammad ibn Musa al Khwarizmi
900 years he wrote a book interpreting even earlier Hindu mathematics entitled 'concerning the Hindu art of reckoning" and now you know what to buy me for Christmas (Ramadan?). The original, I can probably download a copy for free on amazon. I believe he was born 789AD in the Uzbekistan city of Khwarizmi (hence the al part), and became director of house of wisdom in Iraq.
He came up with the number system that replaced roman numerals and which in an only slightly modified version we use today and algoritmi, now algorithm and algebra are the anglicization of his name maybe in the case of algorithms and based on a book he wrote, al jabar, for algebra almost certainly. Need to be careful on the facts here, a little more digging may be required.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNttn4oy3YU
Important to note that we are back to Hindu math, just as Fibonacci brought back middle eastern math which may well have been Hindu math, maybe even this very al jabar and therein lies the mystery which brings us to the picture of original swastika with its origin theory. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swastika which shows nothing about Fibonacci per se, but maybe it is there anyway.
Algebra stands for complex problems broke into simpler parts for solution later step by step rules to solve a problem.
That is your history and math lesson for today.
I rode 14 miles, drifting on the dreamy thoughts of you which is not fair to either of us, but is perhaps necessary to get anywhere, it certainly helped with the bike ride. I had my own share of work, now thankfully behind me. I am not dealing with the massive caffeine overdose of yesterday so I am quickly winding down. It's still pretty early to talk like that.
I've calendared a lot for next week, particularly Monday and a class is going forward which has bi-weekly aspects and another that I have to calendar I think; maybe putting all of these in one place? I am one dawn from reliving those nightmares about waking up with a test where I haven't gone to class all year and one nap from finding myself naked getting ready to take the test. These things reflect progress, however.
There is so much to say, to look forward to, to prepare for, to miss.
Woke up this morning looking for you, no sign, of course.
Had a meeting today at a local neighborhood coffee shop i had never been to around 9ish after my first coffee and while i only obtained a small coffee it was loaded with caffeine. The shop was crowded and seemed to have all kinds of food, i had half of what was called coffee cake, but it had a chocalate center soaked in more caffeine so by the end of the hour long meeting, I knew I was in trouble. I looked for some sign you were out there again, still nothing. What was I thinking or expecting?
I had a ton of work to respond to and I did that, ate a sandwitch and did the only thing I could which was to go to the gym to swim (much too cold to swim outside). The pool there was at first crowded but a lifesaving class left to go outside just in time leaving a lane between two people who while much younger did not have my training and because i feared the slightest shock would kill me, was releived that the water was warm, but quickly overheated and cursed the water knowing that I had no choice but to do a full workout to get some of the caffeine out of my system even though I had only had half of the coffee shop cup. 2000 yards later, with 1000 im included, i got out still fairly jazzed having had plenty of time to realize that your advisor had told you that you were insane to think of me, that i was insane, perhaps both or neither; not realizing that made us perfect for one another if it were true which it is not although my thoughts on that remain unchanged.
I walked the dog 2.5 miles knowing my energy was waning and even after that knowing a collapse was coming bought some hardware to repair a plumbing issue which I do not want to do but must nevertheless undertake, a sordid bit of work the only thing in the day which I did not somehow associate with you although now that I think about it....
I think the caffeine problem is dealt with, i can feel the coming exhaustion even though it is only 430, a lot has been done and I have more work to do including some calendaring.
I may come back to this or I may hit the wall that has to be out there somewhere but I will certainly end the day as it started.
The weather is nice, it was actually sunny and cool during the walk but it has gotten more still and a little warmer and lazies the dog and to some extent me.
173.5. It's been a while since I weighed, being under 175 is nice and I'm at least still close to the 170 which I probably hit in the desert.
I've been crazy busy. It was too windy to swim outside today so I rode my bike hoping to stash out of the indoor pool although it will be cold tonight.
I slept over 9 hours, something I attribute to the very cold water even though that was a couple of days before.
There are so many things I can't write here too tell you, to vent to get them off my chest. It is getting later and I need to start getting ready to sleep again. Tomorrow is another big day
What an eventful and busy day it has been and one more evening without the perfect rest that can only be found next to you.
It is quite cool out abs I nearly feel asleep even though it is early.
Another foia response came so late I have not looked at it yet although it admits to being interim. Tomorrow I will unlock it and see what it contains. I wonder what does it will open or close.
And response and class relevant to new Mexico came with regularity and details which were so numerous my head is swimming. What I wouldn't give to just leave everything and find you., or more specifically what wouldn't I give.
First swim in the outdoor pool today after getting positive news about NM. Gratifying, things seem to be lining up, time for the next axe to fall, I suppose.
I only got 29 IM for the swim which is probably ok, although at first there was none which was upsetting since getting into that water (72 at the surface) was quite a shock, but totally swimmable. 60 degrees is where it gets dicey, a typical pool is at 80. Not sure what the temperature was below the surface, but pretty sure the net was above 60. My body temp was pretty low afterwards which made the hot shower that much better.
https://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-61013740
Today has been As windy rainy as yesterday was pretty. It is a busy week and there remain tough decisions but all in all it has been a good couple of weeks of nothing goes off course.
The big news all centers on the potential for a move to new Mexico although it may not start on the best location. I should have even more feedback tomorrow but all of the indications are good.
I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine, still a bitch.
https://youtu.be/cv-0mmVnxPA
Happy 4 day (4/4 and 2+2)
That is a stretch, but it is a beautiful day and something should be said for it.
I am torn today. While I previously had this overcast sense of sadness that clung to everything like a thick fog, it has been replaced with this breathless (as in choking inability to breath) waiting for something to happen.
It is too pretty a day for a fog and too cool for the coming summer oppressive heat. Indeed, this early in the day, the pool remains below 71 degrees, the minimum swimmable temperature for anything approach comfort.
The sun is setting, the church bells tolled 7. Even the birds seem to be getting quieter.
The pool, though badly stained, is a clear blue to the bottom and probably at a temperature where it could be swam in, although after a 2.5 mile walk and a fairly easy pair of climbs, and cleaning up some things which needed to cleaned and shopping for something things that needed to be bought I am not very interested in swimming and that is something for tomorrow in any event.
I ate too much although nothing I ate had any meat or fatening ingredients. fat-tening.
I would like to read even though i do not have a very good book right now; but perhaps in a bit. I have a big week in terms of finding things out and a lot to do.
What I am thinking about is how much the opportunity to reach out makes me want to reach out, every conversation ends and i immediately think of things that "need to be said," why didn't they need to be said before?
I have broached the difficult topics and I know that anything I do will cause a lot of disorder, but there is an acceptance that is out there too, an understanding of the inevitable; but a refusal to embrace it.
It seems likely the potential sale will fall through and while an alternative is already being set up, this dragging things out month after month, though profitable in dollars is costly in time. It is, however, beautiful here and peaceful this evening, the song birds of the evening of many types, children and dogs in the distance periodically breaking what could be the sounds of our country house.
I wonder if there is not some science that would allow us to do what I so badly hoped for that I was willing to risk everything for it. I am sure it is possible and while it might not be good for anyone or anything, I still think we should explore that if this reality be pierced by our desire to be together.
A weeks worth of intensity minutes yesterday, 2 rides and a 3 mile walk, exhausted me. Also a long technical meeting to end the day. Missed the alternate swim day but tomorrow will be soon enough unless I muss it for some reason. So tired and cold but did eliminate an old and troubling headache. Why so exhausting?
This was the end of 6 rides, 5 walks and 2 swimming 🏊♂️ in the past 7 days. That was a lot of exercise all I wanted to do was lay down. I know what you're thinking, "no weight lifting" and you are right. there was a little of that in the rock climbing which was in the last 7 days but not enough. That would have been the 14th thing in 7 days but I took off my watch for it for safety.
I am having some trouble with this entire level of communication. What might or might not be intended as simple communications are painful to me. This morning i understand the reason for this compulsion and i must have said it before. This is really me saying how i feel about you over and over.
Like you i sat by myself watching dusk come on. Probably not like you, i wore a faux sheepskin jacket because despite the heat i was cold. often i attribute this to swimming, but today i have to assume it was tied to exhaustion and nothing else.
This store brand coffee i am drinking is not as good as the other that i had and i have a local product of some unknown quality but allegedly special out of town version with unfortunately unground beans; but this is good enough for today and probably better than what i grew up with in high school.
There was a lot of relief in what was done today, although things had for some time been under control, they have gotten steadily better and this is one of those landmark changes although things may certainly change and get better or worse. But there is no way to relish these moments without you. How is it possible that I would rather be under some fatal pressure with you than in this other place which should be sunnier without. What is wrong with me?
Perhaps I should ask what is wrong with you. That does not make sense to me either.
