4.21.22

 I forced myself to stay in bed till 4, but sleep was elusive.  I remember the lonliness of the desert and wondered how someone could live there and at the same time thought how good it could be if you were there, the spring in the desert.

I read the last words from last night, a message i missed because i fell asleep early, thankfully, because i means that I got some sleep in the night.

Things are nightmarish as I wait to see what happens next.  it is dark outside, not the dark before the dawn which is still far off, but the darkness of nighttime, not yet gone.

the world is engaged in a war, the same one, good vs evil, that is always going on, the two arms of the spiral by my math, what makes one good and one evil, why cant both be good.

I think of the book chapter i have promised, half written, unsatisfying.

I have to profit by my work and time is not my friend in this.  I have calls to make, papers to write, expenses to meet, decisions to make, math to process, and while i may have some time, there are patents yet to be writtenj, one perhaps due in the middle of next month, although that seems unlikely, and prosecutions that need to be outsourced.

and you who came back to haunt me, to entice me away from everything. what is any of this except a legacy without you and i am not ready to die just yet.  How I need you right now, we are the sun and jupiter, a pair, neither of us the center, everything between us irrelevant and we spin around each other, who is the sun and who the dead planet, I think we both know that answer, i am so close to being in a position to do something with this, so close to making it work for me, why does it stay illusive, what defect is there in me that keeps me from it and from you.

Can you for give me for my uncontrolled love, can you forgive youself, can we forgive each other and can we be forgiven by everyone else, and can we be together, can good and evil be satisfied for at least a moment together or is this place that has become so unsatisfying as i see it more clearly be forever without peace.