words

I was up at 3 and sleep would not come no matter how hard I tried.  At 5 I gave up and typed the physics notes which I like more now that they are written down.

It was more than physics that kept me awake; it was talking to you in my head, for 2 hours wondering why I couldn't reach for you and quench my desire, if that is what it was.

Thoughts of the problems I faced, the failures, the reliance on things uncertain, thinking about how different it would be if I could interact with you.  I am not in love with my phone or computer and having those things between us is living behind prison walls.

It is quiet.  Yesterday I turned off a video of a blizzard i was using for background noise; aggravated because of a loud bird I thought "why is there a loud bird in the blizzard," (it made me think of you) only to realize the obvious when I'd turned it off; that the bird was outside, its incessant chatter reminding me of you, having a bird, not incessantly chattering; something I fear that I do.  Something I may be doing here.

Yesterday I cannot say for sure that I accomplished anything, that anything moved forward.  Today I did make some notes and the sun is still not up; but I fear I will feel the same.

This post from 2013 is an interesting one, not sure why it was never posted because it was so interesting.  Is it that I was afraid of the words?  Because I didn't like the poetry?  Because you wouldn't understand what I was saying then, what I am saying here?

9/2/13

why do you think you can think for me
and decide what I am doing
are you so much wiser than me
that you can predict the future I can't
have I ever been different
than the consistent man
unwavering in my loyalties
unwavering in my goals
can you say you are the same
your hopes are not consistent
you want to forget about me
what type of goal is that
for someone you are supposed to love
you want to hurt me with your plans
while I only want to join you in mine
what is evil and to be despised in this
me a victim of my circumstances
or you a victim of your passions

Wei-wu-wei is conscious nonaction. It's a deliberate, and principled, decision to do nothing whatsoever, and to do it for a particular reason. (chinese)

A verschlimmbesserung is a supposed improvement that makes things worse. (german)

 Orenda is the invocation of the power of human will to change the world around us. It is set up to be the opposing force to fate or destiny. If powerful forces beyond your control are trying to force you one way, orenda is a kind of voiced summoning of personal strength to change fate. (huron?)

Gâchis  means 'a wasted opportunity.' Specifically it means an opportunity that was wasted by ineptness being hurled at it from all directions *french)

Kalpa  Time passing on a cosmic scale (sanskrit)

Razbliuto (Russian) Update: Or English , pronounced ros-blee-OO-toe, describes the feeling that a person (generally meant to be a man) has for the person who he once loved, but now no longer loves.

je ne sais quoi (uncountable)An intangible quality that makes something distinctive or attractive.