cinco de nada

 today i felt very small.

There seemed tobe very little to do.

A little more design work on the electron,the highlight of the day.

Finishing the black hole grant, but it required very little.

Nothing was happening today, waiting seemed to be wasting time

I am worried one day this week will see the end of everything that is happening

Then nothing will be happening.

Starting all over with nothing, except for a sense that everything that has been done is for nothing.

I would like to write, but not yet.

i would like to change the fundamental nature of my life

but not yet

not on a day when i feel very small

like i could vanish tomorrow

leaving no trace, the fog that burns off before anyone sees it

i finished a book i was dreading tonight, finishing it for no reason better but to finish it, a book with terrible punctuation and foreign characters who i did not understand or empathize with and who i would begin to follow only to have them disappear, into pages that ended up meaning nothing.

i am running out of time, energy, money and patience

but mostly time

i could regain everything else, but not time.

Where are the answers i have been looking for, the responses, the changes, the endings to this endless middle.

I am too impatient, too small to say alll the things i want to say.  I am not unhappy, merely disilusioned, unsatisfied, mistified and understanding too well everything around me, too mcuh understanding, the beauty of the world around me, the opportunity blending into a pattern which does not have enough randomness for hope to live comfortably.