The beautiful morning

 I am still recovering somewhat from overdoing it yesterday, the ride, the weights, the ride, the long walk.  My hope is to swim to work the kinks out from yesterday and to recover the band that protects the ionizer I put in the pool yesterday.  

The ionizer seems to be doing the work for which it is intended very well, although the pool still has a cloudy greenish tint,you can see the bottom more clearly.

None of this is the purpose of this post.

These refuse to remain cut back, the grow fast and they are beautiful and the bees like to visit them because they are so pretty.

It is a beautiful morning.  It is cool, too cool to be in the shade perhaps, but this table allows the back of the chair to be in the sun so my back is warm while the screen is out of the sun.  Hanging chimes ring lightly in the breeze, scaring off the evil spirits.  The outdoor room is clean, relatively speaking it is spotless, although still not clean.  It was cleaned off to show for buyers, as if selling it made sense instead of living here with you.

That is the purpose.  I can say honestly that I love you, that I desire you, that you eclipse everything around me when I let my mind go.  It is maddening.  I am struggling with this science, so tangible and just out of my grasp.  Perhaps that is not true, it is totally within my grasp, my ability to communicate that to others seems to be outside of my grasp.

I have been studying rare earths.  I have looked at what they are already, now i am focused on whta binds them and what unbinds them.  I have 6 days to deciper and write up this riddle.  It is not enough time, but it must make do.

Then there is this big thing, this big metal thing, it is like you.  It comes to me from the past and it has nagged at me these many years and now it is here again and I do not know exactly how to grasp it, how to use it, whether it is a right and logical thing.  Oh why do you claw at my mind so?  Why do I envision you looking up at me, why does it so totally entrance me, why cannot I want to escape from it?  I do not want to escape from it, though I know it burns us from the inside, we....no I cannot speak for you.   I am a shell filled with ash and desire.

I can have what I want, dare I say the truth, what I need. I cannot feel adequate, too many things undone, not capable of being finished.  Why did nothing come through?  Not one thing.  One...there was no way that no could be the answer, it was too obvious too true.  Jealousy?  The inability to see the right answer because of all the programming? One, it was all I needed.  One so I could go to you and say, see; we are on the way, i am not mad, dependent only on you.  Just one.

It is far from over.  This beautiful morning is just started and I am far too far along to quit.  6 days, it is a short, short time, but much of it is done.  IT is just a bit of chemistry, new chemistry, but chemistry.  I have to think to believe.  I have to love.  Can you really deny me even that?  Do I have to deny myself that?  This whole thing is about my love for you, the science, the reason I lived during those dreadful years when the future looked so bleak, when I thought I would never enjoy this morning again, a nightmare, even now I see it so clearly, the repetition.  The mantra where I worked through the nightmare, how I might deal with it till at last somehow I did and it was over, but still there.  Not like the nightmares that fade.

And there as you.  The one thing that kept me alive.  You were still there.  I could almost reach out and touch you.  What is wrong, why can't i have my life, my science, and you for these last years of my life.  You are the only one who could understand me and this beautiful morning.  Where does love begin and desire end?  I fear that the desire is so strong the love is an illusion.  Is that what stops me?  Is it my inadequacy?  The things Ifeel I need to do?  My fear of the harm it will cause?  Oh let the world end, but that I die in your embrace.