fighting

I was getting sick today but decided to fight through the exhaustion and swim anyway.  It helped, although perhaps now it will be worse than before; curing both the exhaustion and at least putting off the sick.  I've treated it with ear drops, strangely effective.  I ate with someone the other day who talked to me of alternative medicine doctors who evaluated a patients health through the look of their iris and somehow pictured the opening scenes of the wizard of oz, before the tornado.
I have been working feverishly, though without a fever yet; but doing almost nothing on the physics which I want so badly to finish before I loose the gist of things.  I have a publication date I have to keep and have deadlines in 7 days, in two weeks and those of this week all demanding my time.  I can only do so much I tell each of them in turn.
I have been forced, by requirements of others, to do things that created incredible stress for me for I hate in a world defined by fixed event to force others to look at their own ethical shortcomings, but I have done it because I had to.  6 days of constant work, another day, perhaps two ahead of me, though I've done most of what I can do.
I haven't had time to record the dreams, which though not as satisfyingly weird as the last one I wrote about were still noteworthy.
I wallowed at 5am in the bathtub like a walrus, the tension too extreme for me to sleep, too exhausted to wake up.
My solution to coffee has worked fairly poorly but it is the best I have been able to come up with on short notice.  Without any sleep to speak of, I need something to start my brain in the morning.  I have a tiny china cup at my office, quite english in appearance with a country scene in the design, that I fill with coffee and drink no more than it holds.  It is much like telling a heroine addict that he can have a small dose of heroine in the morning but nothing more.  It is no wonder I am sickly and exhausted.  In this the cold water of fall does me good, for the only way I can swim is to use my lunch hour when the sun provides a little extra warmth.  When the clouds pass over, the water cools noticeably and it appears it will only get worse.
But I am a water person, it is only the water and the hard swims that allow me maintain any equilibrium.  It is only the cold that allows me to stay awake in the absence of caffeine which I have done too much of to continue.  I have to chose between health of the body and fighting off anxiety and pain and loneliness by swimming myself to death as long as possible.
I am fighting.  I am...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WU4uaKgCQ9A