Saturday

I did my community service today and had a pretty good time at it.
I slept well, but I'm exhausted.  I've been exercising hard, for even the possibility I will see you again or the possibility that I will not, but that doesn't explain how tired I am.  It is perhaps parts age, parts despair, parts desperation, sadness and the reaction to the futility of everything I am trying to tell you.
I will shortly explain such observations as why we appear to be near the center of the universe and information theory in a colliding F-series linear spiral environment, it is the next thing, but for the moment, I need a moment to catch my breath, to be exhausted, to talk of how badly my heart hurts, especially when I am pushing myself to the limits but at any time I think of you, and I always think of you.
The cold is coming, it came on slightly tonight and I will miss you more, because I remember clinging to you for warmth and remember the sting of knowing you cling to your long line of lovers in my absence.  It matters not whether this is to spite or in spite.  The pain is of separation, not of jealousy, I reserve that for those with whom I know you share your time my jealousy.  The pain is of lost opportunity, of days that can never be recovered, of festering wounds that will never heal.
Even now i wonder if the fragile porcelain pump that is my heart won't shatter when I hit the colder water next time I swim, knowing that as the nights grow colder, so will the water.  It is not lost on me the heat that is taken out of my life and where I could have found it.
I listen to music almost randomly selected, the songs of love, of bringing together two people and two families are more than I can stand and I swim harder against them, trying to drown in the water and exercise the frustration, the humiliation, the sadness, but after I have finished, the music is off, the water dripping off of me, exhaustion causing my breath to come in ragged gasps, it is all there, everything except you.

There are issues that I need to address in my physics problem that I am able to explain, ready to get to, but not today, not tonight.   tomorrow, tomorrow I will try again.