The last days, well the last day

It is the end of the year, ending right at 90 days, 91 or 92 perhaps, an interesting coincidence.

I think it is time to move on from inevitable death, past, present or future.

What question is being asked here?

https://youtu.be/p8NQUbLQGio

My disappointment, anger, maybe longing, still doesn't change much;  maybe it should.  Like you, I need to move on and I keep waiting for something and nothing comes up. That is not so true because there is a whole new fabric to work with developed just over the last 30 days, so there is much to do and much to develop from and while I believe there is a great deal of disappointment to be faced in the coming year, there are things to hope for and survival in many ways remains more likely than not.  My body says spring and that is embodied in you or at least that memory of you.

 https://phys.org/news/2021-12-chemical-leftovers-early-earth-core.html

This talks about the problems at the center of the earth which I have determined with some reservations to be a black hole core and an area where saving the earth if it makes it to the shift in magnetic fields lies within my strange expertise.

https://bigthink.com/starts-with-a-bang/universe-fractal/

This is a repetitive theme, failing to see the things which are so obvious to me and missing the big picture as a result.

The new year came hours ago in Australia and it is coming for us too 

Dod 91/92?

No real exercise yesterday.  The pool is now closed till Monday, so missing yesterday (exhausted due to sleep irregularities) is problematic.  It is unnaturally warm, I could almost swim at home, although beginning that swim would be problematic and the coughing might be made extreme.  It will be 78 degrees tomorrow, new years eve.  The ice caps will likely melt.  Then what?

Today I filed the last of the DOE electrical transmission grant applications, 4 total which I think can all depend from a single write up.  Another day without real exercise, but I did walk the stupid dog 4 miles.

Still coughing, and was feeling pretty puny at the end of the walk pressing for time uphill, but now after a shower, vitamin c and lots of water, I feel better.  9 hours of sleep last night probably helped, caught up from the lack of sleep the night before.

At the end of the walk, I looked at my pine tree being strangled by vines, tomorrow I will kill the vines if I survive.  

The pool is at 68 degrees, 3 degrees from what i'd call swimable which means it would, at the warmer part of the day tomorrow, be capable of supporting a swimmer with a strong heart.  The mind boggles at the risks and possibilities.

I watched love and monsters, i think the movie has something to say in the time of the apocalypse.  

 https://phys.org/news/2020-08-physicists-two-dimensional-material.html

https://www.wdsu.com/article/new-orleans-sugar-bowl-new-years-safety-guidance/38641902

Neither of these articles say much to me, but the first one I saved from several months ago to revisit at a later time which is sort of now I suppose.

I wonder at the weather extremes, record snowfalls with the accompanying headaches, snow skiing, sleigh rides; the extreme heat here, not unprecedented, but unusual nonetheless.  I am watching people sleigh live in a blizzard at steinlodge https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2VfyLoTO0c as I write this, it is a very active scene considering the cold and forbidding conditions, but it is certainly a scene of great beauty.

What can I say that I have not said before?  Happy new year perhaps, next year will be different, but what does that mean?

Dod 90

 Swam 1900, set post watch records for 1000 and 500 though accuracy must be questioned.   Made progress with electromagnetism but still not fully comfortable with the results. Several concepts for galactic polarity shifts are in the running, data would be helpful, a new dark horse candidate. 

Seems like 9 years not 90 days.  Filed one of 3 or 4 lois which is enough, for quiet will soon descend on my life.

Up early this morning roughing out the remaining LOI(s); wanting to work on others, but knowing that even 4 is more than enough.

Spent a fair amount of time looking at the problems associated with the modeling, but never reached again this troubling issue of phase which could be so important to the shifting magnetic fields which may kill everyone.  My arm has multiple scratches where I was attacked by a cat.

I am so tired, can't stop coughing, you don't age in my mind, you are just as i saw you last, but all i have to comfort me are your last words which held no comfort nor hope.

https://youtu.be/8LXT46VUuHs

dod 82 actually 89 to 90

Got zero intensity minutes for riding my bike 7 miles which I find disturbing.  Tomorrow the pool reopens and then what?  I am not sure what type of time I have. Still coughing. 

I have begun the pairing down process that should have been finished months ago...but for you?  I think you cannot take credit for this; it is a surreal place to be.  It has been a long time, something that predates even you.  2010?  2009?  No, it began in August of 2005, perhaps even a few months before then.  16 years ago, more than 16 years ago.  The science began in it's earliest form in late 2012, still 9 years ago, and in between...well perhaps the most important things are those between the slices of events.

Dealing with electricity and its not quite twin magnetism and they don't fit well or badly, it is the conversion i dont quite understand though somewhere in the alternatives is an answer.  right now is a good example, something I did not look at closely before and which even now seems to work badly in terms of results.  I will, perhaps have more later on this, certainly details will appear in many places as time goes by.

There is a book rewrite that needs to be addressed, it is largely done, and yet it waits for something, the next filing?  Some other triggering event?  I actually think I have the page length where it needs to be for a filing, but there is more editing, it changes, the insights increase every day and next Tuesday I hope to get insights from a discussion of things when I lay my thoughts out there and hear more about the real world.

What happened to the 7 lost days?  It would be poetic  to say 90 days, perhaps 3 months dead and 3 weeks as of today after leaving nm.  How did this get so far off, i must have been out of my mind for long periods of time during the last 3 months.  Is this possible? It must have been very different for you and I wonder how much peace,  dare i say love, compared to the strange and lonely landscape of my life over the same period. 

I am tired and i must write my notes up.

dod 75/76/77/etc

Perhaps the most appropriate song of this weird season, perhaps more appropriate at the time it was performed and what I'd like to say to you anyway.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfAOqCx1N8E

I wonder how healthy i look now, quite wasted since this picture, down from the mountains. 

Have to start exercising again anyway. Need to be in shape for the end of the world.

This was near the last days in NM, same as the picture without me in it looking back from the slag heap in the hills around the house.

This is the end of a 3 month experiment, if you'd like with a short break in the middle and it was largely successful although there is a recovery period and getting the work done is requiring a lot.  How much different it could have been with you, but then how much more and less that would have been.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHe_i98krmo

It is Christmas eve, so merry Christmas 

Not yet

Still alive. Hope you are not disappointed. 

I miss nm. My lungs feel like tissue paper

Tired of coughing. Pool was closing wednesday so against common sense i swam coughing under water much of the time 2000 yards including just over 1000 im although everything about the workout was substandard. 

My watch suggests over the last 7 days I side 3750 yards plus 6 walks plus two bike rides but that is inaccurate for several reasons just as it is overly lenient in giving me stairs and steps today and intensity minutes for the week. Being sick still I will take it.  I can barely move right now.

That is or was lunch, a deconstructed ham and egg sandwich which was edible. 

Part of being sick was diminished taste, not covid according to the suspect test but my tongue felt like it was burnt.

I was outside at night in the cold, almost a relapse situation but under cvovers and warm again i think the recovery will continue. Some hot tea would help. 

I am misunderstood jealous strong enough to recuperate maybe unsure of what will happen next or what i should do, even unsure of my work which seems so real to me and mostly unsure why you are not here to help me because if there is a reason for all of this how can it not be you. 

dod 72 still ill/73/74

73 Not able to do this tonight. Was to sick to do anything in delirium I have to assume swam 1800 yards,  can barely remember and laid out now m dishwasher installation a success thankfully although level issue remains to be dealt with when/if I recover. Eating is a problem. 

I like to think what I ate was nutritious enough, but I don't feel like it.  The swim will either make things better or kill me.  I have a presentation to do in the morning.  I will not be ready for it.

74/ill

DOD 71

This morning i was Not feeling as sick as I did last night.  I rested perhaps too much, but it seems to have helped.  That changed, as the day progresses; but it was nice to wake up feeling almost normal.  Well, normal doesn't qualify in this case because i was asleep far too long, it was 6 o'clock a full two hours after when I've been getting up.

There is more work than you can imagine to do over the remainder of the week.

I felt fairlygood this morning, but I was dragging this afternoon. It is getting worse by the quarter hour.  Today likely to be the second day in a row with zero intensity minutes.   I could go swimming as nothing could make this worse but I have an electrician issue to deal with. 

I installed a dishwasher including carrying it upstairs by myself, carpentry, plumbing, light electrical but it is done.  Sick and sore and little was accomplished afternoon with work but I was too sick to do anything requiring mental discipline. 

It is time to rest. Had to take cough meds, knew it was coming but hoped to miss it.  Trying to catch everything early. So tired and so much to do.   I miss having hope and saying I am in love.

dod 70

every 10 days seems like a decade.

up at 5am, the illness remains.  169.5 pounds.  I don't know how that registers with the past, though I should.  I exercise through this illness, perhaps it will get worse as a result, the coughing is more intense.  The coffee and sitting up seem to help a little.   I wonder how much longer the NM coffee will hold out, but it doesn't matter much.  Even there I often used packaged coffee or the beans my friend roasted himself.

I cannot sleep, because of you, I think.  That being said, there seems to have been enough for the voracious demands of the cold.

I may be too busy for hobbies.  This is a critical week when I need to move past the edit to the final cuts in the applications, for there will be more than one.  Then it is on to forms, but that is another step far away from this one.  There is a lot of work to do on things that do not matter but which have attention and on things which matter a great deal and are ignored.  While the conclusions about the process behind flipping the earth's field were not complex, in many ways it represents something as important as the periodic table design around the neutron core.  

I wonder how much better I could do if I could see clearly.  I practice in the dark getting my clothes ready to put on, but I know it is a complex thing to plan for.  I am my aunt's nephew in the end, I suppose.

I am lucky that I am not luckier in some cases.  I needed to get back here to close things up before the end of the  year, to see what I have to face next year and to prepare for it.  I do not know about the grant work that needs to be done.  I am looking at it but with a half an eye.  That said, it would have eased the pain some.

Speaking of easing pain, it will be warm this week, good weather for the illness, seasonally unpleasant.

it will rain later and if the pool needs to be flocked again, pretty likely although it is too dark to see, that will make it less likely that I will need to add water to backwash it.  I hope that I can get the pump to cooperate.  In the meantime, I can attempt to get the rest of the debris from the pool.  It seems like it will be summer before we know it although it is only December still.   it is substantially colder in SC, but still a mild winter I'd think.  It is not too late to return there, but the plan has shifted to dealing with problems here for the moment.  Whether that can be dealt with before the end of the year when I'd return seems increasingly unlikely as most of the transition issues will occur either at the very end of the month or in January.

For the moment I have addressed the transition issues I can deal with and I am waiting for the results.

There are no thorns here, at least they are beaten by developments into the background.  I still see one or two coming out of the car or did last week.

I will come back to this, I should eat something before it becomes late.  Outside, a distant dawn is beginning to make itself heard.  I have a book to write too.

Got some work done today but at the end I became more ill and left to recuperate but it has continued to get worse. No exercise today i think.  It is strange illness hovering the background till now.  If it stays true next the cough and congestion will worsen.  But 8 days means i should be better by the weekend and i should be able to work.  I should test for covid.

I am glad to not be with you for the first time since I was with you last, I would not want to make you sick.  Drinking hot tea with honey, some sort of herbal remedy tea that expired years ago.  It is helping my throat.  It is dark and early and I feel better for having lain down.  I failed the covid home test, fortunately, just a cold.  At least I hope that is a good thing.

 

dod 69

 The fair lovers anniversary of my death.

It is 5:30 am.  I did not even try to go back to sleep.  My throat is sore, but rest is what this illness seems to want.  The cats are fed, the dishwasher is running, i have my coffee beside me, it is dark outside, not really cold; but 57 degrees so there is a hint of winter or at least fall in the air.  I looked and it is 30 degrees cooler in NM than here on average.

NM made it to SNL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--G0WfT3SKA  Wait for it.

I ate 1/3 of an apple pie over the last few days.  How can I justify that?  I am pretending that I need the extra calories to fight off this cold, plus look at the exercise over the last 3 days, well two of them anyway.  i still work out in the hopes that we'll be together, a strange primary motivation, especially this time of year and with all of the problems I have that I cannot take care of and the fact that dead cannot date the living and that you have moved on.

https://scitechdaily.com/tetra-neutron-experiment-understanding-of-nuclear-forces-might-have-to-be-significantly-changed/  This is another of those things which AuT explains rather imperfectly; but explains nonetheless.  It happens to be important in the next patent I am working on, and no you will not find these in nature or otherwise.             .

There is some work on pretime/post time relativistic effects that is fairly interesting which i am working on.  The deadline is now some 45 days away and while getting close and having a plan, it is not a good place to be.  I will have other obligations and it is more of 30 days than of 45 as I slowly creep forward toward the end of time.

A group of tornadoes killed 100 people yesterday, it is something strange, terrible and rare.  I am slowly making progress on cleaning the pool which is something of a fools errand, although necessary to sell the house.  Inflation will make that easier, at least eventually, while making everything else harder.

Taking another tack starting next year on the lot sale.

It is late in the evening, 14 or more hours have passed since I woke this morning.  I swam 1750 yards including all of the im, but only one 400.  Then a one mile walk with the dog.  Got up to 265 intensity minutes for the week.  Did away with that apple pie from lunch, at least in my mind.

Speaking of a mind, I am not of a mind to give up on all of this thing even though i'm just talking to myself and living in a fantasy world of my own insanity.  I think of you and your trees and those you share them with and I am angry and uncomfortable.  I am waiting to hear about so many things, grants, discovery, new mexico and the thing which could replace new mexico which is unlikely but right for me.  I'm essentially done with succession, very fast, I know.  It will be missed.  But everything gives way to my losses associated with my death in any event and the deadlines which approach with greater speed and finality.  The only thing which seems to exist free of time and impermanence is the love which any other corpse would have abandoned weeks ago, burned the mental diaries; but I am a corpse with a memory and a ghost which exists by way of clinging to hope, however false.

I am not sure about the effect of this on that background illness, but i spent way too much time out with the pool, barefoot and in the cold this morning; and even so I think it needs another round of flocking because of the ineffectiveness of the damned pump.  I'm going to run it tonight and reassess in the morning or afternoon depending on my ability to concentrate.

I had nothing but soup for lunch, but I had a couple of eggs, toast and veggie sausage for a late breakfast after cereal.  And the pie, of course.  I am not sure I shouldn't freeze or throw away the rest of the pie.  For dinner leftover chicken and rice which did not live up to its billing so the recipe will not be shared or remembered.

Do not hate me for believing that had things been different, had you held out, we would be together in the cold wilderness, frighteningly dark at night, lonely in the light of day, ghostly.

dod 68

More talk of leaving then a walk in a wood of small trees, my onlyexercisetoday and i showered with the smell of chlorinefrom last night'sswim on my skin,  free of that and shaved and comfortable at last but for the background of illness.  I was more sick tonight so I made a hit meal of leftovers and opened a bottle of medicinal wine.

it is 40 degrees warmer and in this land, you don't have to fret over the water running for another few seconds or timing your showers with the running of the dishwasher to limit the amount of gas that is used to heat it.  But there are drawbacks.  Reality is one of them, the daily facing of issues that faded into the background in the desert where you could not remember names.

I had this plan to stay in nm till you came but I left to deal with the reality I left here.  You made clear that you wouldn't come and i believed you though i couldn't believe my belief. 

Still no response the appeal to be filed as soon as next week to me permitting but perhaps after the first a way to welcome 22. Although I have the code section in hand. 

3 am in the morning and i am wide awake.  The illness recedes with sleep and it would be good if I could sleep longer but the attempt is useless.  I can barely see the words, able to type because of learning on a machine when i was in high school, a silly course which turned out to be so important.

I have made little progress this week in either drafting or science.  I should be satisfied having figured out in some depth how the world will end; but it is much to do and little to do with it.

I have undertaken to refinance my last investment property since it has not sold.  it is not expensive compared to its value, but it has not been a quick sale and the economy will turn eventually and it will stay a burden until it is sold. At present it appears to be an asset from a distance, but were it not for my other property, it would be an even bigger expense tan it is and this year it has been a particular burden at a time when I do not need one, 5500 plus the cost of buying out my deceased partner's estate at least.

More people I knew and more of my friends have died in the last month, mentors, classmates, I am ill but able to do much; although as I said I did not exercise.  This decreasing vision problem irks me.

I wait for news on these grants which would do much to ease the burden I am under but which may amount to nothing.  My teams continue to grow, another partner here a mentor there, a potential investor waiting for me.  I wait for what happens next as my vision slowly degrades my ability to do that seeing.

And what of  you who is the source of so much of this and the effect of the rest?  how do you sleep at night and who with.  If we were in new mexico and if these properties would sells and these grant come through then we would be the only two people in the world, and the world would be a garden of Eden eventhough I could not see it; but someone else is in that garden and I live with the snakes.

It's 5:30. I dozed for a few minutes.  Now its late enough to make coffee.  I increased from a half cup to a full cup while in NM and its stronger, still drinking TB coffee brought home, slowly disappearing with the memories.

It is now 11:30 raining hard.  I rode my bike before the rain and lifted weights and rode again, went to the grocery store and cooked a chicken and rice dish I saw on the internet.  I did a pretty bad job on the rice portion, I think; but it may be possible to deal with that given time.

It is pouring. rain here.

It's later now, dinner time. The cold has taken me down and I've done a lot today and I'm worn out and run down, coughing a little,  and the sun is setting on a sky which] promises to choker up tomorrow when I must take things up Shahin fit there is much to do before Monday when things will get even busier. 

DOD 67

 The altitude difference and difference in terrain is telling.

I did 1700 yards and did 2x400 im(s) and 1x200 instead of the 5x200 I was forced to do at 6000 feet.  My intensity minutes have dropped dramatically, from over 100 per day down to 150 per week if I get another 10 or 20 in the next 3 days.  The walks have gone from rocky stair climbs in dry air, fearful of wild animals and blocked by cattle occasionally; to wet, sticky slogs through mist and rain surrounded by the constant noise and Christmas decorations of what is fortunately a very safe place; since the wilderness dangers pale to those of man.

I have done 3 long swims in the last 7 days and several walks and bike rides despite fatigue and this nascent illness which I'm continuing to treat with massive doses of vitamin c, probably expired.  I think perhaps the swims have helped fight off the illness although just the opposite effect seems to be suggested.  They have undone the mask mandate at the gym and removed the plastic shielding from the employee areas.  It is surreal as the whole last year has been.

The illness, tt is hard to watch, implementing extra strength cough medicine seems to have headed off pneumonia for now.

It's hard to believe how much i can miss you but whenever I go down that road i know there was only one path for you and for me.  I look at the bridges built over the pitfalls in that road and wonder if we really need to abandon that process especially when it was done, but i think that being alone is the only path forward and I am not alone this week for the first time in a long while.  It is draining and recharging, it scares me; but I need to deal with those things which prevent me from moving on and in that respect I am having limited success.

  So very tired and teetering between health and this weeks long illness which is painful to watch.   I have 3 months to catch up on, I am only starting in that direction even after 4 days back at the office; much of my time still going into the technical write ups where at least some progress is being made.  Team building which I thought was on hold, continues.  No word on the grants which are so critical to everything at this point.

The rain is back again, it screams your name. 

dod 66

My favorite place to eat lunch is closed, the world is wildly tilted on its acid.  Today started out grey and the work continues on the project which is daunting.

Getting sick in earnest. A strange soreness in my legs from not walking in the mountains. 

Have difficulty fighting through the symptoms of anxiety,  not sleeping even though problems are manageable maybe for years if I ignore certain business expenses, sell property or get funding, all of which are possible. 

The work is progressing,  too slowly especially with this slow moving cold. Took a pound of vitamin c, couldn't hold anymore. 

Discussed separation again tonight but it is a very inconsistent approach. No word on the return to new Mexico, only a few weeks of time loses meaning. 

Tiring. Nothing on the paper but the appeal is any time after the 16th which is something of a function of of I get sick or not. 

So much to talk about but who will be there to hear it or care about it?

I have these terrible thoughts hoping you are having fun moving forward, sleepless hating it.

Dod 64

 Swam 1750, did all im, got my steps in first time since leaving including a short dog walk.  Nervous and frustrated,  still sickness in the house,  aggravated with maintenance problems and real estate. 

The 64 days are very real to me. I feel every one. So much to do I could let one or two slip by but the love doesn't decrease despite the crepidation of my body 

DOD 63

Monday morning, back in my office fighting off I don't even know what.  3 months of emergencies all at once, only slightly ameliorated by stopping in over the weekend.  In the background is coffee house radio.  I will return later. 

161.7 is probably a good weight. It's not as low as I thought it might be.

Could have been our lot?  Very remote during the walk.  The power is out and the rain has started.   Beginning to work through emergency mode but cut short by the end of day and darkness. 

 https://www.livescience.com/torsion-balance-breakthrough-prize.html

Not even sure what the article is about.   Everything is meaningless right now. Surrounded by sickness and I may be getting something. Should go to gym but it is dark with no power here and wet and I feel the sluggishness of despair and sadness although I shouldn't complain to you, not that you are listening. 

How different it would be if I was well and could hold you in the darkness. 

dod 62 an eternity

Thursday to Saturday no significant technical work allowed. I did make the transit and planned next moves, still some time off to deal with pool and hot tub and office and mail and emergencies due next week. Sunday morning is well underway

I've no patience so it is just as well but i have to get started soon as Dec is rushing by

A nice sunrise with so much noise of traffic,  leaf blowing, all the things which i didn't miss.  For going to the office, Bike, then walk, for the dog, but no intensity minutes, well 69, but exercising all day for 69 minutes; most of which may be brushing the pool.  It was dark green and clouds were brushed up from the bottom, but at 4:00 there will be a time to turn off the pump after flocking and things will settle to the bottom.  Weather says rain, if it rains enough will be a way to get rid of enough of the algae without wasting water to do...what?  Sell this house and get the freedom that would come with that?  Where's the incentive?  Still in not in a position to choose what to do unless and unless is risky to assume even unlikely based on recent events. 

The hot tub is still fully functional and nice. That's something for the cool nights, a depressing alternative to what I need. 

I keep thinking that things would be better if I was doing what you're doing.

It's not that I would be better at it, we both know you're better; I just might appreciate it more.

Succession gets weirder, but I still like it, you can see Will Ferrel's handprints, I think.  How come I cannot watch this stuff with you how come my life isn't with you?  What is this gilded cage?  What is happening with the science thing?  Will it die this brilliant death, will I be put in a position to do something more complicated?  Why can't you help me through this?

I'm exhausted from the trip and this thing which is constantly over us, well over me because of us.  I had to buy out my cousin and the need to sell the investment property is very high but I have not even been out to see it.  Had to take on a 1000 expense, but it's minor compared to the taxes I have to deal with. The ip stuff is looming. I'll have to give up my short cut to save money and timing although things are largely cut to the bone.

Work computers sluggish and not totally responsive after long inactivity. Hopefully it will be better tomorrow when everything has a chance to update. It's the first full business day back and I'll have pebbles to do no matter what. 

In a way the emergencies are nice because I know what I'll have to do and tomorrow is a swim day if I can get myself to exercise which I'll need to deal with the tension. Then it's on to the ip Work for the remainder of The week. So much to do...

`dod 61 republished mush free

I went old school, talking about missing you, asking you dumb questions.  why bother?  so mush free version:  I did what I intended, but I didn't know how to stick with it or why.   Sort of like when I first told you how i felt, remember you blew me off first, not that you could have understood.  I think I am sincere now, but who knows anymore.  I gave some thought to moving on. It is a hard decision especially given all the chains.  I made these chain in life, one link at a time; I think that is what Marley said, not living life correctly.  I understand Marley and I feel the weight of those chains because I could not give you that child or that horrible life that would have been with me.

This is the thought I woke up to, not the first time; but ready to write it down at least:  In a non-relativistic environment, time and energy are relativistic effects.  This is a more profound concept which may allow for a form of randomness on top of a fixed system.  It may well require the redefinition of what random refers to and helps explain a baseline to which all events must ultimately stick or come back to while allowing variation above the level of ct4t11 in this case.  Is it possible there is a real, false randomness, so way to have freedom of choice with a fixed universe, a failure of my excuse to you and myself?  It should not be the case, but it would explain a lot.

I'm quickly going from over 1000 intensity minutes per week back to 150.   Today, first time in 3 days, got 99, a good swim with record times according to the limited history of the stupid watch and probably being in a larger pool alone and with plenty of oxygen.  Then a walk in the humidity at night with the dog, no fear of coyotes even though some do live in town.

12/19 to 1/2 another long gym closure with no mountain hikes.  I lost weight, deferred tension, drank more coffee and spent more time thinking; now I have a broken keyboard and the stresses of everyday life.  It is a poor trade and I may yet go back.  If I do what alternative do I look for?

For the moment i have 3 months of emergencies, taxes, real estate issues and the like to think about, computer changes and the like which I think I have figured out.

A look back into the darkness before the light.

dod 60

A grueling last 2 days.  little sleep.  things did not go the way i waned them to.  several disappointments in an otherwise promising time, somehow tired as i am i can only grumble about what is bothering me.

No energy to write this, tomorrow should be better.

I shoud not set myself up, like expecting that we would do these studies in fall clouds together.  it has stopped raining everywhere apparently.

dod 58-the dead arise and begin moving about

For a while I cooked, the more elaborate the better, but i seem to be on peanut butter and tortilla chips with pickles for dessert.

Not a lot of options here.  I had a lot of options, I have a lot of options, but there are no real options.  If you hadn't exploded and hadn't killed me maybe I'd have more options, I'd certainly be looking at doing something vastly different; but options and decision are as different as flour and cake.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbjEiDDY0Kc

Woke early this morning, realized the seminar is tomorrow.

Made a what to do when I leave list.

This is the pile of slag, place I targeted to walk when I was afraid of snakes and its now a close hike that I can do alone without thinking, but I haven't sat on it.  And I am alone in ways that you cannot imagine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XwOeJW_9HU

Something for you.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bl0e5DrYLyY

Finally, not a big fan of Crypto, understand the draw, but what difference does it make if everyone is doing it; it's basically just bitcoin forgery, something I think was not said in this rant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaJpYjO136o

DOD 57 part 2 under the sea

I got back from my walk just ahead of the coyotes.  The blue light of the evening dusk showed the land as it must have appeared 100 million years ago when it was covered with water.

I swam 1800 yards, 1900 more like, but I turned off my watch before I did the cool down without thinking.  The first swim in 10 days, did all the IM.

That may account in part for the lateness by the time the walk was done.

I feel 100 million years old, like a fossilized fish not knowing what I am doing here when the land is dry.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJ_MUfryl-w

dod 57 no name

Why do empty places and trees standing alone say so much to us?

Last night was weird, woke up for 4 hours and then slept till almost 6:30, the first time that has happened.  The sun was already up. But Tuesday my day starts at 6:30 am so I need to be awake before that.

Last night the moon was low in the east and woke me and for 3 hours, nothing could induce me to go back to sleep although I was comfortable and snuggled up from the cold.

My exercise has been off, only a short walk followed by a longer one, but neither hard yesterday as the pool was closed, I thought it was opening yesterday.  Today I go back again, probably leaving in just a couple of hours, not much time to get the desperately important next stage of work done.

Things are surreal.  I had a plan you torpedoed to some extent almost 60 days ago now, or did I?  What am I going to do this coming year?  Too much dependent on other people and none on you.

There is so much weird misunderstandings and assumptions around me. I have to add clarity and...

Time grows short on so many levels. 4 days of 2 drops at a time, one gone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpSdePGgVyQ

dod 56-not liking the man in the mirror

I have been away for 3 months and things are beginning to unravel at work.   I need to get back and see what is happening.  I thought I would go back, but I did not.  This is a test of some future, I suppose.  Did I pass or fail?

I am unprepared.  I started looking at routes back.  20 hours and there is a void there towards the end where I see nothing.  I am not ready to go back, things here are unfinished.

My dream, I suppose, was that you would come here.  And then what? You'd save me?  I'd save you?  We'd somehow destroy one another?

I am not happy about this, but everything has been up and down and I am exhausted and worried and I don't know that i can avoid what is happening there any more.

Perhaps it was cleaning and planning, once I started I could not relax or stop.

I am cold and lonely and more than a little scared although there ae so many reasons to be optimistic and not terrified at least for the moment.  The terror lies in success as much as in failure.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XwOeJW_9HU

The top of 80 peaks, looking at the next closest (jakes?)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PivWY9wn5ps

My problems are small, but I have a big hammer and I don't know what   to do with it.  Where do you start?

dod 54 the last day

Same rainbow.  It's falling on either Hurley or if you really use your imagination, Silver City.

Yesterday I did 91 floors (1.5 hours up to 80 peaks overlook, 15,202 steps (the last 2 were the least important) and the night before I got 8hr and 49minutes of sleep.  Uninterrupted sleep is when I miss you the most.

My BPV were at a high of 137, but I think the walk actually showed something higher, I don't get that.

There will be a picture of the hike.

Are these two the same?

Planning on making turkey and rice soup with leftovers tomorrow.  Any recipes are welcome.  May make some turkey chili to go with the chicken chili in the freezer. If it sounds like too much, remember that there are still months to go and its getting colder here and once frozen, it will last indefinitely, perhaps years after I have gone...where?

I worked and hiked alone 2.5 miles. How can I be tired of company so soon? I thought it was you but maybe it is me. Either way tomorrow will be here soon enough and perhaps I will be lonely. 

dod 55 dog on a cliff

Dod or doc?  Speaking of dead, the laptop keyboard appears to be fried.  It's a relatively easy fix, maybe under warranty, but it will have to be dealt with eventually not now when i can work around it and i have a draft to get out in the next few days.

The coyotes were unusually close and active last night.  The sorghum which had washed up to the house and all along the hill was torn up by cows who came up to the house to tear at the corn-like stalks which are no more a part of my morning when I step out.

Alone again, something of a shock after the noise and crowding. First order of business when it warms up is to refill the water tank, it's 6:00 AM and I've already done a lot of cleaning, but there will be more of that today.  I'd love to take a bath at some point in time, I have to wash sheets and towels and begin to set up for being alone, dealing with trash making leftovers into soup, freezing stuff, a trip to the dump, thinking about companionship, and getting more focused on work and the deadlines this week.  It is 11/28/21.

I never stop spending time alone, this picture was me and the dog taking a walk where he trapped himself, but only to the extent he had to back off.  There's no metaphor there.

It is sort of funny seeing all the things here that have to be done this morning in the wake of the weird whirlwind of the holiday.

I was worried it would be too quiet and it may be that way, but my coffee is nice this morning, the music on the coffee shop radio is upbeat, it is clear enough to hang the sheets on the line when the washer is finished with them, there are miles to go before I sleep with important worrk and the pool opens again tomorrow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZGoNuHRO1A

I know you have to deal with Omnicom and your new thing whatever that is; but i took the dog out for a cold, short walk and it is time for me to do my thing whether you hover in the back of my mind or not.

first christmas tree 53

It is cold this morning, literally freezing which is good for the ski resorts nearby as is the fairly minimal snow fall, many inches below normal; but at least the temperatures have fallen.  Distantly, you can see some snow on the tall mountain nearby; probably above 8or9 thousand feet.  The sunrises returned, florescent; but this morning we'll do something beside a sunrise although this one is particularly nice given the clouds in the east.

The small  thing (I need to get a zoomed in copy and insert it below) is in the middle of nowhere,  close to where I am and towards town.  it may be for someone who died, but it happens to be the first Christmas tree i saw this year and it brought color and pathos to my life as I drove into town although I do not know if I need pathos.

I did over 3 miles of hiking and i am tired. Yesterday was every bit as exhausting as i feared; but i have certainly made the bed i am sleeping in.  i look forward and dread Sunday with its strange goodbyes, half assurances,  recriminations and the self loathing that comes with it.  The dog was asleep on a couch this morning.

I did make a stab today at fixing the problem that was assigned to me yesterday, but i cannot expect to hear back soon; probably not even in time given the bizarre time frame I was handed.  Anyone on vacation would have missed it.

The coyotes were going crazy in the freezing cold.  It is strange for them to be so wild and vocal and then the silence. 

There is a new covid variant this week, the rich countries did not take care of the poor ones, so the poor ones gave the rich ones what they deserved.  It is nice being in the middle of nowhere and on something of a break from the real world, but it is lonely and it is like watching a movie about the end of the world, going out with insane reactions to reasonable restrictions and a whimper instead of a bang; or maybe the bang will get here soon enough.  The idiots who don't want to wear a mask are seeing the reason for doing so now, but they are not the kind of people who would understand mutations or natural selection or evolution and they have leadership in government which would surprise me if I thought human intelligence meant anything.  This is the way the universe proves me right and exonerates me; although neither of us believes that (completely may be added in my case since a part of me believes my science at that level) and it does nothing to comfort me; comfort eludes me and I think of the cows who bear their lot in the freezing rain, the snow and the cold of this morning with such Je ne sais quoi.

Would it be any different with you, or is all love pain? The people here only make me feel lonelier, because they are here for such a short time, like the coyotes who are so haunting because they howl so loud and then go quiet in the night.

dod 52 Happy thanksgiving

It has been raining since yesterday evening.

There were so many potential pictures from yesterday because it stormed and the first christmas tree of the season. That one was surprising, I will share it. 

But this one shows the promise of the future and it falls on silver city.

I lost my privacy through this weekend, Sunday will be here soon enough. 

Weird that I will spend Hanukkah alone, well the dog would be offended. I wonder if I should light candles?

And what would I want other than what I can't have?

Day 51 of the Dead

It is the Wednesday before thanksgiving.  i woke up to what could only be described as a wall of clouds around 3 sides of the house.  There could be rain today and there will be increasing cold..

Over 450 intensity minutes, 3 weeks worth, in 3 days, all my steps and floors; this place is good for my mind and my health; although dead.   Today I go see the eye doctor again, the last time before thanksgiving.  No telling what will happen there, it is unlikely to be good, but if it is not bad that is ok.

I find myself dreading the long weekend.  The work I've done the last two days was only adequate, not nearly enough even though I still have time.  I must not get complacent, there is no room for that.

I am waiting for several responses.  Those could help things.  The primary two or three or four depending on how you count them should come soon enough.  I had to buy out my cousin and that moved forward today, there being nothing left for me to do but wait and pay the taxes next month.  Don't let me forget that.  I suppose I can wait till after the formal close which I assume will be this week, although if it were in December it would not shock or disturb me.  I hope I don't have to own it for long; but I am not pleased with the lack of progress.

You do not see this, but if you did this is what I would say. If you still love me, even a little, you need to read the first story in the book that was waiting for me when I arrived here, Mysteries and Miracles of new Mexico by Jack Kutz.  it's worth reading, in its way; but mainly I love sharing the irony of the world with you, good and bad and while you have moved on, like the ghost that I apparently am, I wander the earth in search of what we had together and my science which might save mankind one day or perhaps more accurately it could were it not for the irony that accompanies me wherever I turn.

This is a sunrise I mentioned a day or two ago.  

DOD 50-The $19 sweatshirt and the Lonely tree

The sunrise today was particularly nice, but that will have to wait.  The cold is getting more pervasive.

50 days since I was murdered, an anniversary of sort.  How peculiar it feels.

I have bought very little except food since I've gotten here, despite the fact that my tennis shoes are more dead than I am and one pair of jeans fell apart (still have 3 left including my "dress up" black jeans).  The boots, though worn and full of thorns are holding up.  The one thing I have gotten the most out of is a 19.00 lightly insulated sweatshirt (hoody) which is my go to garment; still holding up despite the increasing cold. 

I just spilled almost a whole cup of coffee on my computer, and this search appeared on google (S1VQWERT YUIOPlo) fortunately, it seems to have survived although if it stops working in the middle of this post....

I mentioned this Tree earlier and promised a picture.

Most of the trees here are fairly stunted although many or 10 or 12 feet tall; few are true oak size like this one.

The computer is working, but with flukes.  I don't know whether to turn it off or leave it on.  Spraying it with dust cleaner seems to have helped.  If only I could get my on brain working as easily.

You should not take away too much from the pf post earlier.  While something of an indication of something, having someone show interest, at whatever questionable level that was shown, possibly only in hiking, is a far cry from actively dating.  Nothing wrong with that, it is just pointing out what might not otherwise be obvious.

Today I went on a three mile hike (largely in the direction opposite this tree) and got as close to the far target mountain (a video follows) as I have gotten so far, probably on the other side of this hill from whence the hidden mine entrance (?)/illusion was spotted and photographed in an earlier picture in this blog.  I was still some ways away, but with water and a snack I could have struck out for that additional distance although the way back was convoluted and i was tired.  It is possible I was as close as in the prior hike done in the heat of summer and no closer, that one being the same distance and in extreme heat without water.

https://youtu.be/eVqv3_xJ3Zc

It is scary that far into the high plains desert.  You can see things from the ridges, but between them in the canyons you could be on an empty world and you are far away from help in a manner of speaking.  I suppose you have to be there to understand.

I think it is as far again to the top of the mountain from the ridge at the tip of the hike, down one ravine, up the far hill and then down into the very deep one where you would arrive at the base of the very tall hill.  Perhaps it would have taken more than a snack at that.

 It had started clouding cold and turned mostly clear and hot, but I had dressed in layers and was relatively comfortable and protected from the sun.

Not sure if you can hear it, but when this video was taken, there was a siren going off in the distance, haunting in the loneliness and wind of the desert which is what life is without you in it.

Of course, for you there is something else and so I include the video from the other side of the hill from that closest point video, this one looking back the way from which I came although it cannot be seen over the several intervening hills.

https://youtu.be/QN6JVitstT4

There are scary decisions to be made in not going back the same way, what if there is a dead end of which there are plenty despite the scrubbed nature of the trees and spiny plants, whether to cross fields of thorny plants of look for paths over rocks, the uncertainty, largely gone now, of whether to go up this hill or the next.  Months of these hikes has reduced the uncertainty; but there is not so much confidence in my navigation abilities or luck avoiding snakes or packs of wild animals that I would be too comfortable in this outback, not to mention the incompetent hunter, I had on an orange vest when I filmed that, but many people wearing orange are shot.

I have a lot of work yet to do this month and only 7 days with which to finish which is not enough; but I have printed out the next 10 pages which require most of my attention and the rest of today and much of tomorrow will be there for this.  The time between then and Sunday is not mine, but I will be alone again after that and this will be my top priority.  On Monday I think the pool reopens which will provide me an opportunity to reset myself for the month of December which is so critical to my future plans.

It is time to eat again, though my appetite has not returned.

I am one with the lonely tree, thirsty and alone, but taller than I should be in this wild place.

dod 49: boosters

It was very cold this morning, I worked through the sunrise, missing it for the first time in a long while.  Saturday I got my booster show (no waiting except to get it), Sunday my arm hurt so I went swimming, my traditional post vaccine tradition.  The plan was just to see if I could, then to loosen it up; but I managed to do my whole swim workout.  About 500 yards in someone as fast as me (I like to think the hurt arm slowed me down, but though it hurt I don't think it slowed me down) got in my lane and it increased the speed of the workout substantially.  After the warm up (850 yards), I moved to tie myself off to do the IM, both to make it easier (the arm really hurt) and prevent wrecks in the narrow lane particular to both the fly and the back stoke.  To be even more honest, the IM slows me down and it meant getting passed which I could not abide.

An old potential flame was there, someone who discussed going hiking and asked me about it, not really a pf there.  It would have been nice to go hiking, but there was a timing issue.  It was the last day of the gym being opened and then for only a few hours, so it was not surprising for the pool to be fairly filled.  That closing made me happier that I did my whole swim although I expect to get plenty of walking exercise and to do limited upper body work with pushups and such.  Hopefully despite the work, the cold and the distractions I will do some significant upper body work during the break.

I did not exchange any words with the pf, by the way, and noted that while her car was parked near mine when I left; that was also likely a coincidence.  I did think about reaching out, but I am not the stalker type, except here which is my space, just as the pool is my space.  The pool is closed for the next 7 days, I had 1100 intensity minutes for the week so exercise has not been a problem.  It will open on the 29th and I have, I think, another 5-10 swims to do before it closes again.

The short walk of the dog, well it was just over a mile, after the vaccine and swim was very very slow after I came back to the peace and quiet here which will be disturbed this week in a couple of days and through the weekend, or at least most of it, when I will be alone with my dog again.

I finished the first set of input of the edits yesterday.  I have three more documents to insert.  It is already 88 pages of writing and 30 of drawings with more to come.  The next step is in the claims which will be an incredibly thankless and difficult set of edits which will set the stage for the reorganization of the content and ultimately cutting it down to the few pages (100 and then all the way down to 30) that it has as a limit and that is after adding 4 other documents which are significant in terms of content.

I have a group in India which has offered to do a draft for 1,000.00.  I plan to take them up on that, I sent an email to that effect.  There is another group in California which made a similar offer and I sent them an email.

It starts with the claims, but here it ends with them too; being based on applications at this stage.  They will be a guide in what to include and what to try to do in a document which covers everything in the world in 30 pages.  Still no funding; but the challenges make the content better.

The music I hear during the day often has an effect and often the post has more to do with making a place for the song than the song does emphasizing the content.

The semi-operatic "Time to say goodbye" for example plays particularly well when up on a mountain with death on one side and an impossible climb on the other; metaphors to us.   Sometimes it is merely nostalgia or silliness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2fPkzJsMU8

DOD 48 Down from the mountains

I did a long hike.

I crawled (crawled not walked) to the top of the boulder on the far left.  It was terrifying. This is about where I turned around.  It was surprisingly warm in the valley, cold on top of the mountain.

I drove through a ghost town to get here and met someone who I thought might be important for some reason, the daughter of ghosts, older now and living in a museum which had once been a schoolhouse and before that perhaps the ancestral family home.

There was a reconstructed (more accurately relocated) fort attesting to the twisted history of this place, which became safe for everyone except those who originally lived here.

I know the question on everyone's mind and yes, I am drinking more coffee here.  I am not under the same pressure; but it is there, just beyond my last day here when I have to face the reality which is my life away from this place.

Am I wasting my time?  I cannot believe it; but I am exhausted and my resources are exhausted.  I feel like the fight is against ignorance, prejudice and stupidity; against a universe which has given me so much but which will not allow me to enjoy it.  i don't know how much longer I can go on, so I have share what I have here, for you if nothing else.  What will I be when I can't go on any further?

Is this the rest of my life?  Where did  you go?  What did I do with you?  To you?  Am I no better than the universe or those who took this land and gave nothing in return.  When I am finally forced to quit, what will become of me?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNS7Typ-SZ8

It is time to get to the work at hand in these subjects; but I am not ready; but let me start with this and then I will move on to the next part in time.

What do these articles have to do with my work:

https://interestingengineering.com/flipping-magnetic-poles-led-to-mass-extinctions

https://interestingengineering.com/how-earths-magnetic-field-flip-will-impact-life-on-our-planet

https://www.universetoday.com/153356/theres-so-much-pressure-at-the-earths-core-it-makes-iron-behave-in-a-strange-way/

https://www.universetoday.com/144502/its-snowing-iron-near-the-earths-core/ ?

DOD 47 the hills on fire

Managed to get my swim in.   It closes on the 22nd till the 29th, apparently.  It left me tired but I still                  spent the time necessary to get the input of the editing started, then was sidelined by a recurring upload problem with microsoft.

I have said I'm going to cover what is really immediate in the work I'm doing; not that it isn't all immediate.  I wish I could share the references with you.  It is not because it would change things, change has to start here and perhaps, well no matter.  Your choice was made the night you killed me, I suppose as was mine the day I died.

Looking close the mountains in the distance are on fire in the light of the setting sun. 

More bad news today, not at all a problem for the science and expected but it was and is hard.  Again in a few months. 

Knowing what love means doesn't mean knowing what to do next or how to deal with disappointment.

I promised to share what I am doing and how important it is, now I feel I have to say if I make it till then, if I can see, if I can care, if I can accept all of the rejection which seems to be the only thing I have in due course.

I will get to this in due course, but I am tired and I cannot believe it is this time, even as I stand here with the cold wind blowing, alone is a way that is only easy to imagine if I am truly alone, those around me seem to see through what is left of me, a dead soul wandering the earth carrying the chains I made in my life.  Is there no way to go back, no way to start again, to atone?

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ky0rO7pM3WI

DOD 46

 It was cold, but I did a 3 mile walk.  I took a picture of a large remote tree is coming from that walk, saved perhaps from the axe by its place far from any road; but this is a holiday public service notice which also has a tree in it.

It is almost 6am, it is 31 degrees outside and it will warm up, but not as much in the coming days and it will steadily get colder.  My time here grows short. What happens after that?

I have run into some weird things which i do not understand.  i expect the worst for reasons i do not fully understand.  I am getting closer to dealing with the project for november, 14 pages to edit and then the input work. It is a tremendous amount of work, for 11 days, but perhaps doable which would put me back on some sort of schedule.

speaking of schedules the plan for the day isto leave around 10 hopefully to work out and do a series of built up in town things.

at the end of the last post i saw my first javalina.   it was not scary as i might have imagined, more like a minature pig; but this one was near the road which i had come back to and perhaps inthe wildeven this hairy black pig like creature would have looked bigger.  how deeply i feel the cold.

i will publish this and see if i get back toit later or if i go into the next post.

day of the dead 45

A month and a half dead.  I renewed my plea to be left alone.  I am not willing to say we would be together if you had chosen that path by now, but I would be happier which is not to say that I'm happy.  Even that is not true.  I heard someone say, "I was a different person then, I just want to move on."  After several months in the desert I am not a different person, just the same person with dried skin and a different level of exhaustion.  The metaphor for me lies in the half dug mines that litter the hillsides; my own search for you and for a way to make my scientific dreams a reality, all abandoned half exploded holes in the ground, some so shallow you wonder at how quickly they were abandoned; others reflecting with huge stones piled around the expectations that remained until the piling of stones eventually broke the miner involved.

The top of my foot hurt so bad i could not sleep two nights ago.  it was a deep pain, like a broken bone, but it cannot be that.  it scares me.  what if i am found dead here next week, the dog having succumbed to thirst because of whatever it is that hurts so bad, that keeps me awake, that cannot be rubbed out.  i am old, so very old for what i have to do and I feel that way even as I take another large stone, heavy with iron, and pile it around the latest hole I've dug.

I lifted weights for only 20 minutes although I did everything back to back, in a hurry to leave before it got crowded with the covid spreading so rapidly now.  It was very hard and I did not get any intensity minutes which seemed unfair of my watch.  I had too much to do otherwise, I had to go to the police station here, a very quiet place fortunately as I was the victim of a hit and run while the car was parked and which now has a severely dented fender, a witness having done everything but get the tag of the offending driver.  Now I drive a dented car around town.

I did the right amount of work on my project today, but inefficiently. I should have finished going through the hard copy but at this rate it will be months and i don't have months; i have days.

I did two long walks in the woods two days ago, the dog and i, one last night as the sun set despite being tired from lifting weights.  each day of the those that have passed i got my intensity minutes from that.  i watched part of the first succession episode and i liked it quite a lot.

There are life and death trials under way.  Watching it makes me nervous.  The current political crisis is a mess.

I hoped to branch out my physics today; but it has mainly fallen flat; what is pending is what is pending.  I have much to do; maybe I am at scratch, maybe I am past that.

Covid is coming back, the political insanity is striking.  It is terrifying to think about what is coming and to plan for it.  I must get my project off the ground soon; before the winds supporting it fall off, before I give up, having lifted one too many stones alone.  Where are you with your things?  It pains me greatly to think of what i cannot find anywhere else.

The cold is coming on in earnest this week, the 70 degree highs are behind us.  It feels like 29 degrees this morning as the sun struggles to rise.  Another friend of mine died this week.  Where is the sympathy?

44 dancing and walking happy alone

 i found out my eyes were still a problem today.

I swam a hard 1900 yards including the im afterwards which left we partially wasted the rest of the day, but i still went for a longish hike which together got me a weeks worth of intensity minutes.  My legs are strong from walking, but I feel age and I miss you and know you are in a better place.

I have to buy out a partner this week on terms good to me; but still not something i want.  perhaps, however, it will get me where i have longed to be these last 10 years and the science thing is as well today as it can be i suppose.  if only we could share this hope.

Yesterday i was happy.  i walked and danced alone in the widerness twirling my walking stick like a maniac.  My dumb dog stopped a truck.  Today reality has come around, arguing with me telling me what i have to do, come home, be normal.  No, if you can move on, so can i.

It has been warm in the day, but the cold is coming.  The leaves changing a bright yellow danced in the wind.

It is 5AM the next day.  I could not sleep.  yesterday I did not get much done; I was resting after the long week, numbed by the bad information on my vision and the hard swim afterwards.  My goal for the next two weeks is to finish the next draft of the document due in February.  That is little enough to ask.

The pool closes on the 22nd for a short time and next month on the 18th for an extended period of time. What does next month hold and January after that?  it is so strange to contemplate.

deer in the morning 

DOD 43 from 12/21/20 green river

I can hear the bull frog calling me.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5V9nK7-OkM

What a powerful guitar rift.  There is a broken piano here, that's all.  They should require school kids to learn how to play this along with other things.

Ok, back to the present.  Has it only been 43 days?  It seems like forever.  Death is like that.

This isn't bad for a dead person, steps, floors and over 1000 intensity minutes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSBFehvLJDc

Today is the last day to make these changes I'm waiting for.  It makes today pass quickly and slowly at the same time.  This blog is not my happy place and I'm not happy.  Waiting is not my strongpoint, you think that isn't true, but you are wrong and not being able to share this makes it worse.

I did, however, finish what I planned, I got help from many of the quarters from which I sought it; more than I deserved perhaps.

I have promised myself, if not this blog, that I would share some revelations from that and I will given time.  

My last walk tonight was much different from the first.  The first, decked out in orange, was cross country to the second ridgeline and then back again, the second down the road and back, dancing the whole way.  All alone and dancing with my dog and my stick.  The heat of the day was gone, it was cooling rapidly on the second walk compared to the glare and heat of the first one.

My stupid dog stopped a truck.  He should have been run over.  I think he was full of himself because there were deer everywhere.  He started to chase two, but when another 4 or 5 came from behind he thought better of it; better to stop a large truck on a steep hill in the middle of the wilderness.  It was embarrassing; but fortunately, remote enough that the dog was given a pass.  Perhaps the driver will be more careful if he finds his way here and someone will be saved.  of course, it is too late for me.