day of the dead 45

A month and a half dead.  I renewed my plea to be left alone.  I am not willing to say we would be together if you had chosen that path by now, but I would be happier which is not to say that I'm happy.  Even that is not true.  I heard someone say, "I was a different person then, I just want to move on."  After several months in the desert I am not a different person, just the same person with dried skin and a different level of exhaustion.  The metaphor for me lies in the half dug mines that litter the hillsides; my own search for you and for a way to make my scientific dreams a reality, all abandoned half exploded holes in the ground, some so shallow you wonder at how quickly they were abandoned; others reflecting with huge stones piled around the expectations that remained until the piling of stones eventually broke the miner involved.

The top of my foot hurt so bad i could not sleep two nights ago.  it was a deep pain, like a broken bone, but it cannot be that.  it scares me.  what if i am found dead here next week, the dog having succumbed to thirst because of whatever it is that hurts so bad, that keeps me awake, that cannot be rubbed out.  i am old, so very old for what i have to do and I feel that way even as I take another large stone, heavy with iron, and pile it around the latest hole I've dug.

I lifted weights for only 20 minutes although I did everything back to back, in a hurry to leave before it got crowded with the covid spreading so rapidly now.  It was very hard and I did not get any intensity minutes which seemed unfair of my watch.  I had too much to do otherwise, I had to go to the police station here, a very quiet place fortunately as I was the victim of a hit and run while the car was parked and which now has a severely dented fender, a witness having done everything but get the tag of the offending driver.  Now I drive a dented car around town.

I did the right amount of work on my project today, but inefficiently. I should have finished going through the hard copy but at this rate it will be months and i don't have months; i have days.

I did two long walks in the woods two days ago, the dog and i, one last night as the sun set despite being tired from lifting weights.  each day of the those that have passed i got my intensity minutes from that.  i watched part of the first succession episode and i liked it quite a lot.

There are life and death trials under way.  Watching it makes me nervous.  The current political crisis is a mess.

I hoped to branch out my physics today; but it has mainly fallen flat; what is pending is what is pending.  I have much to do; maybe I am at scratch, maybe I am past that.

Covid is coming back, the political insanity is striking.  It is terrifying to think about what is coming and to plan for it.  I must get my project off the ground soon; before the winds supporting it fall off, before I give up, having lifted one too many stones alone.  Where are you with your things?  It pains me greatly to think of what i cannot find anywhere else.

The cold is coming on in earnest this week, the 70 degree highs are behind us.  It feels like 29 degrees this morning as the sun struggles to rise.  Another friend of mine died this week.  Where is the sympathy?