Problems with the filings (not due till Monday, but super glad I got it out of the way today) took me past my normal walk time and we were trapped in the dark on the second walk. Even tonight, safely back; something is outside giving the dogs fits and he has settled down next to me. I wish it were you at my feet, but that ship has sailed and the dead get little comfort, here least of all.
Dark and in the woods here, doing a pretty short 1.4 mile walk to try to finish my steps and get my floors in. I'll get my steps in walking around the house tonight and got the floors in after the first 1.5 mile ridge walk; but it has been scary and with the frustration and the last minute massive changes that needed to be made and everything else that is tragic and confusing right now all I could think about was how much I wanted to just be able to talk to someone who understood me.
I've hit a number, 20, in missteps that I've counted. I am not too panicky about it although this was an important number; but I look at the progress and I am in a place I can live with; if uncomfortably.
I don't know if I've overasked this last time; but I went for it because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. If it works, I am years away from problems and nothing but runway in front of me. If not, well there are things to do.
Maybe this isn't the first time i've overasked.
I had two small breakfasts, a small lunch and not sure about dinner. I go to sleep and get up so early here it adds to the unreality; but it is pitch dark at 6:44; as quiet as a tomb in the desert can be except for those terrifying things in the night; and the temperature is falling fast from almost 70 to 32 tonight.
There is so much to say and so little of it that makes it into this post.
I usually have two hours of dark before the sun starts to rise in the morning. They are productive hours, but there is so much that I have to do. I don't have another specific deadline until the first of February; but that deadline requires almost constant work between now and then and other things will come up, other deadlines.
Indeed if things were where I want them to be there is a deadline in a week or less; but i don't have time to think about that or care about it or worry about it. I can meet that one in a few hours if need be. For the moment, I'm focused on the work I finished today and what might should be done over the next few days. If I could ask, I'd ask; but sometimes it is better to go with your first instinct although that was largely trashed as the afternoon went on.
I have to go into town to take a shower, the pump has been out for two weeks and there is not enough for me to have luxuries like showers. I have to check the level tomorrow to see if running the dishwasher is an option; although I think that can wait a day or two. If the power went out it would get much worse, so I am thankful for what I have.
I hope to drive into town tomorrow for a shower although that means I have to swim again. I should swim again, but I am exhausted.
I am grilling questionable vegetables for the garden to mix with some pasta that is already made (couldn't think of wasting water for boiling right now). I think you are having the time of your life. i am suffering, but I am fighting the good fight that I will be posting here, if alone and in the desert although there is so much. It is like covid only worse in some way. so dark, quiet and alone.
There it is, plated with a crust, literally of bread.
I know you are having a much better time of it and getting what you think I get when all I have is alone (and this reasonable looking pasta dish from the garden). You might think i begrudge you your happiness and I do; but I want you to have it despite hating everything about it and being in such a weird crushed lifeless vacuum.
A couple of days ago i found an old frying pan, very old, just metal, in the desert; bent up and abandoned from what and by whom I will never know. there are things like that in this high plains desert dotted with mountains and old mines which have stories that they still tell today, but also full of secrets that will never be told.
At least I will not go to sleep hungry.
If it were not too dark to see, perhaps I'd go out there tonight and see if there was enough water for a short shower, but whatever is there has to last through Wednesday at least, if not beyond.
There are ways to find a litle comfort. When it gets cold, i could turn on the heat, but even that is limited to what is in a tank and that dinner woud not exist without it. I can write this and bear my heart to you and the world; and I can try to save mankind although I am met with stupidity at every turn.
There is a ghostly light moving far down in the desert appear only to vanish and then come back against the darkness. Another thing to wonder at tonight.
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