A trip to the desert

 Two months, the end of November to the middle of January.  Last week i started taking steps to deal with my mail in the interim.  It is something I need.  A chance to reset, perhaps.

I was sick today.  The inner ear problem came up.  I thought i had it under control, but i did swim, only 1800 yards but the pool was mrky and when i got out the inner ear thing was worse and it finally laid me out even though that is not good for it.  I could not get up nor could i slleep though i waa exhausted and it was  too early anyway.

I will not say that I have to have you.  If I come now, immediately, then you will be there.  Otherwise i will be alone with the terrors of the wilderness.

I have started the book, my appology.  How do you say that in french, in latin, perhaps greek is the right language after all.

I am reading a book about people stuck in prisons, half alive, half dead actually, finding pleasures in life without being happy.  This past 11 years has been a prison, the only joy has not been the thought of escape.  No every moment with you, thinking about us together, even those where I spoke to you, those were joys, tarnished because you could not enjoy them like i did.  Oh but if I could have given you that one thing that would have bound us,that even i could not have excused my way, thought my way out of.  It was my strongest motivation at the beginning.  I was the hope for that, surely no matter how old we both were, the love i felt was so strong it would have overcome whatever barriers nature had thrown up.

The desert is the place to go to pull my life into fucus, to confess and in that confession to be free, perhaps even free of this terrible love for you.  The terrible loneliness of the desert, a demon to take on this demon in my life, in our life.

How it brings the genius, that is absurd, what little creativity there is, and poet, the same, not really a poet, a blowhard perhaps, out in me.  Of course, my moment of genius seems to have passed, perhaps it never existed.  There is support enough for its validity; but not enough to convince me of its tenuousness instead of tenacity.  

"I dont think ive been perfectly happy at all since you went away.   you cannot conceive how i suffered then."  That is from the book I am reading.  How it speaks to me, this horrible book, horrible book, with its horrible characters, horrible characters.  And yet it speaks to me, am I not one of them, what I did to survive was to allow myself to love you absolutely, to set the world on fire with that love and watch it burn terrified, unhappy, and yet it was so beautiful, so desirable how could I put the fire out, how coudl I think about letting it go out on its own, how could I stop myself from piling on the kindling, the split pieces of our lives and finally the whole, living trunks that we so relied upon before tthe fire was started.

I was innocent, no not innocent, but without intention at the beginning, i did not know or believe how completely you gave yourself when you did, nor coudl i have imagined the size of the monster which lived inside of me, only wait for you to wake it up.  And what i wanted to give you, i thought you needed.  Oh, such conceit, to think i knew what you needed or that i could give it, but I did.

I wish you could see it here today.  The beautifull weather, the bird singing closs by, the others in the disance.  How clean it is, how much I cleaned banisters, table tops, even the top of the hot tub.  Everything I did for the wrong reason, but it was for you after a fashion, if you were here, it is how we would spend our days, cleaning and then sitting together for days admiring our work.  Or would we?  Perhaps that is not who you are, it is who I am, at least sometimes, when I fix broken things, like I wanted to fix you.

The theme of the book is the author's ability to turn a phrase.  That is what makes it a worthy book, certainly not the name, the name; not the horrible story or the horrible people that act it out.  You read waiting for the next beautiful phrase, you don't live in the book.  In these ways it is like us, horrible in some ways and much too lonely, but punctuated by such perfection of association that we read on, long after we know we should have put the book down and moved on.

The beautiful morning

 I am still recovering somewhat from overdoing it yesterday, the ride, the weights, the ride, the long walk.  My hope is to swim to work the kinks out from yesterday and to recover the band that protects the ionizer I put in the pool yesterday.  

The ionizer seems to be doing the work for which it is intended very well, although the pool still has a cloudy greenish tint,you can see the bottom more clearly.

None of this is the purpose of this post.

These refuse to remain cut back, the grow fast and they are beautiful and the bees like to visit them because they are so pretty.

It is a beautiful morning.  It is cool, too cool to be in the shade perhaps, but this table allows the back of the chair to be in the sun so my back is warm while the screen is out of the sun.  Hanging chimes ring lightly in the breeze, scaring off the evil spirits.  The outdoor room is clean, relatively speaking it is spotless, although still not clean.  It was cleaned off to show for buyers, as if selling it made sense instead of living here with you.

That is the purpose.  I can say honestly that I love you, that I desire you, that you eclipse everything around me when I let my mind go.  It is maddening.  I am struggling with this science, so tangible and just out of my grasp.  Perhaps that is not true, it is totally within my grasp, my ability to communicate that to others seems to be outside of my grasp.

I have been studying rare earths.  I have looked at what they are already, now i am focused on whta binds them and what unbinds them.  I have 6 days to deciper and write up this riddle.  It is not enough time, but it must make do.

Then there is this big thing, this big metal thing, it is like you.  It comes to me from the past and it has nagged at me these many years and now it is here again and I do not know exactly how to grasp it, how to use it, whether it is a right and logical thing.  Oh why do you claw at my mind so?  Why do I envision you looking up at me, why does it so totally entrance me, why cannot I want to escape from it?  I do not want to escape from it, though I know it burns us from the inside, we....no I cannot speak for you.   I am a shell filled with ash and desire.

I can have what I want, dare I say the truth, what I need. I cannot feel adequate, too many things undone, not capable of being finished.  Why did nothing come through?  Not one thing.  One...there was no way that no could be the answer, it was too obvious too true.  Jealousy?  The inability to see the right answer because of all the programming? One, it was all I needed.  One so I could go to you and say, see; we are on the way, i am not mad, dependent only on you.  Just one.

It is far from over.  This beautiful morning is just started and I am far too far along to quit.  6 days, it is a short, short time, but much of it is done.  IT is just a bit of chemistry, new chemistry, but chemistry.  I have to think to believe.  I have to love.  Can you really deny me even that?  Do I have to deny myself that?  This whole thing is about my love for you, the science, the reason I lived during those dreadful years when the future looked so bleak, when I thought I would never enjoy this morning again, a nightmare, even now I see it so clearly, the repetition.  The mantra where I worked through the nightmare, how I might deal with it till at last somehow I did and it was over, but still there.  Not like the nightmares that fade.

And there as you.  The one thing that kept me alive.  You were still there.  I could almost reach out and touch you.  What is wrong, why can't i have my life, my science, and you for these last years of my life.  You are the only one who could understand me and this beautiful morning.  Where does love begin and desire end?  I fear that the desire is so strong the love is an illusion.  Is that what stops me?  Is it my inadequacy?  The things Ifeel I need to do?  My fear of the harm it will cause?  Oh let the world end, but that I die in your embrace.

The cheap, stupid country

 I was not up for it, but I swam anyway, 2100 yards with the full im.  I was able to sleep, till 2am, it is 3am as I sit here and write this.  I am tired, but there is no use trying to sleep.

Despite the exercise (riding, weight lifting, mostly swimming) and watching my eating, sticking with half of my lunch on many occasions, like yesterday; I hover at 175, sometimes a pound less; but not going down to 170 or up.  There is muscle definition born or anxiety, exercise so that I can sleep for a few hours every night.

This country is so cheap and entrenched in outdated nonsense they won’t fund  work that will save everyone, that the reviewers admit is revolutionary.  Revolting. I can live with that because I’ll get some satisfaction when the volcano erupts, the failure of the earth's magnetic field, etc; satisfaction tempered with terror, of course.

The day is well underway.

Today I exhausted myself with a ride, weights and a ride home.  It was almost too much and then you wrote and it was too much.  But I am tired, I am busy, and if I slept two of the last 4 nights for at least most of the time, then I have something to be thankful for.

I had to rest after the ride, then I had to clean the house, mostly outside in the heat, pounds of spiders and spider eggs, I cannot believe that I have not been overrun by them.  The pollen collected into thick clusters and even after going over everything multiple times there was still a layer of now hardened pollen.  It is like being in a haunted house, abandoned for decades; which is slightly better than it was when I started.  There are a lot of angry spiders out there.

And then there is you.

I started writing again.  Not very much; but if I go into the desert as i am planning to go; I need to take a project with me other than the physics which has given so much and taken even more.  Like you in some ways, who have taken so little and given so much.  And yet what you have taken seems like more; but I digress, there is much to do to make the future work, more than I have time to do, more than I can afford to do and it remains less likely that the results will be what I had hoped for despite everything to the contrary.  The world funds renting private swimming pools, not world changing, world saving science.  I am surrounded by idiots and one by one the people I rely on to help me escape disappear.

revolution and miasma

Well, things are up in the air.  That is not to say they are not crashing.  In a few hours the sun will come up.  I have to remind myself that I am not back to square one, that I am light years ahead of where I was a year ago.  What woke me up puts me light years ahead of where I was last night.  But how to move past this time right now?  How to sleep past 4am?  How to make this thing work for everyone, but most of all for me.

This method could well revolutionize plasma theories in the future but to be funded today, there needs to be more basic information on what exactly is being done by the proposal.”  That’s an actual quote from a reviewer. Our science is 7 years ahead of everyone else.  I know that because I’ve seen what everyone else is doing and its what we were doing 7 years ago. 

How to break through this moronic concept that we are saying what we're doing, just in ways the reviewers cannot see because they are so wrapped up in the pig-headed, ineffective, waste of time scientific methods that will not "revolutionize" anything.

That's not a big deal, its just more time.  Oh, but I am out of time.

I have to go on, the solutions to the problems come to me, 

And what happens then? do you know the way out of this??

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqWt49o7R-k

Downtime

 I did not exercise yesterday, first day off in a while.

Weird dreams last night, three in space, something happened to one, and there was some sort of well down which we could be lowered to rescue the person who was dead, but each time came out somewhere else in some other way and finally ended up back at earth, but 10 years old.  Hard to understand what the old subconscious was up to, but it was entertaining and just scary enough so it didn't keep me up.  Actually slept better.

Posted my second book chapter yesterday in this amazon beta thing which is an apparent complete waste of time, but its allowing me to get a story that wouldn't otherwise be written out of my head.  If i get to an ending, I will be amazed.

There are some notes on the story so I don't lose them, but they're somewhere else now.

I wrote up "where things stand" and sent out a "wtf is going on" emails yesterday so that I'd be in front of some of the things I am working on.  I have quite a bit to finish and I am never sure if i am just getting started or reaching the end.

I fear my efforts since November of last year, a full 6 months up till now have failed in most regards.  The writing appears to be on the wall, although I have not been able to get myself to confirm it, the inevitability of  railing against an entrenched way of thinking, no matter how wrong.  Why?  People cannot admit to fault in their way of thinking even if that is what they are given as a job.  It is a crushing defeat, although I cannot allow myselfto be crushed or defeated and from the ashes there are coals from which to build a fire; so I will continue, with one, two, then another slew of the same; even if with the same effect because what is done has borne some fruit and it can be nurtured, it will get the effect.

Too late for me perhaps, it is very late.  I have not been as lucky as I had hoped, as skilled as I thought I  would be, nor as unfortunate as I could have been and while there is not time for everything, we have burned too many bridges by this point in our lives, yet there is time to do what can be done in the remaining time, not more; but not less.

I cannot think past this dark moment, but tomorrow the sun will likely rise again.

success and failure

i swam tonight and i hate verizon.  cant get them to add call blocking their customer service sucks. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jduFDgIr598

This is where the end of the world thing comes in but how am I supposed to survive in the middle of desert until they come for me if you're not there?

https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2021/02/ancient-kauri-trees-capture-last-collapse-earth-s-magnetic-field?utm_campaign=ScienceNow&utm_source=JHubbard&utm_medium=Facebook

Do you really want to see this?  It's not even interesting. I'm having a tough time.  I don't know what the end game is here.

Everything I try seems to be failing in one regard or another.  Even the things that are going well are not.

I need someone, I am a person who needs people, maybe just one other person.  A volcano is erupting, it is not the end of everything but it is a metaphor for the chaos in my life.

I have so much detail I would like to include in this, but not everything is for the whole world.

I decided to do the kindle vella publication thing which is totally goofy and made me essentially make up an additional 200 hundred words which accomplish nothing but get to the minimum size chapter.  Maybe I'll move my blog there.  It was an act of desperation, to exist for a moment, because things seem to be going downhill, nothing is happening, nothing is happening fast enough, I guess I should say, things happen every day.  And its going to take a lot out of me before these things that may never happen happen and I don't know how much longer i can wait.

The only thing that keeps me going is you and you are not even there.

Morning headaches

 Had an unusual amount of anxiety yesterday, just driving was stressful.

Was too hot to ride, I did deal with some outside tasks in the shade as much as possible.

I filled my car with gas, was confronted as having pulled into a spot where someone else was "turning around" to pull into that spot, something which did not seem to be a thing, but I offered to allow them to fill up first which they did not chose, there being another place to pull into to fill; but it was one more discomforting thing.

I feel out of sorts; wondering do you think I don't understand all of the bad that I associate with silence and how much worth words might be.  I swam, 3 days in a row too much.  I did substantial work getting the pool ready to repair, had to figure out how to do some things, get the parts to make the repairs; it was not just about minimizing costs, it was also about esthetics and permanence.   Its probably wrong to use the word permanence, a few years maybe.  Assuming nothing goes wrong.

It's the morning.  While up a lot, I slept in my on and off again way till 6:30.  I  a tombstone dedication to do today on mother's day no less.  It will be one of the first post covid things like this.  I was in stores yesterday and saw a larger number of people without masks, in the lowes type environment it felt comfortable taking it off when no one was around; a false sense of security or something else?

I have the type of headache you get from not breathing well at night.

Its mother's day so it has been difficult.  There is a tombstone, a dragon, a brunch, the first since covid, a headache.

I had some electrical issues that exceeded my abilities which was aggravating, but probably something I could have dealt with through trial and error and I'm curious to find out what I was missing.

And I had a request for more information, not quite a rejection, and I had some progress in team building, perhaps more than I need.  Enough to start thinking terms?  Too soon, certainly, but when is the right time for anything?  When is it too late?

It's late now. I walked it was hot i recovered i planned and argued and another day without you ended.

words

I was up at 3 and sleep would not come no matter how hard I tried.  At 5 I gave up and typed the physics notes which I like more now that they are written down.

It was more than physics that kept me awake; it was talking to you in my head, for 2 hours wondering why I couldn't reach for you and quench my desire, if that is what it was.

Thoughts of the problems I faced, the failures, the reliance on things uncertain, thinking about how different it would be if I could interact with you.  I am not in love with my phone or computer and having those things between us is living behind prison walls.

It is quiet.  Yesterday I turned off a video of a blizzard i was using for background noise; aggravated because of a loud bird I thought "why is there a loud bird in the blizzard," (it made me think of you) only to realize the obvious when I'd turned it off; that the bird was outside, its incessant chatter reminding me of you, having a bird, not incessantly chattering; something I fear that I do.  Something I may be doing here.

Yesterday I cannot say for sure that I accomplished anything, that anything moved forward.  Today I did make some notes and the sun is still not up; but I fear I will feel the same.

This post from 2013 is an interesting one, not sure why it was never posted because it was so interesting.  Is it that I was afraid of the words?  Because I didn't like the poetry?  Because you wouldn't understand what I was saying then, what I am saying here?

9/2/13

why do you think you can think for me
and decide what I am doing
are you so much wiser than me
that you can predict the future I can't
have I ever been different
than the consistent man
unwavering in my loyalties
unwavering in my goals
can you say you are the same
your hopes are not consistent
you want to forget about me
what type of goal is that
for someone you are supposed to love
you want to hurt me with your plans
while I only want to join you in mine
what is evil and to be despised in this
me a victim of my circumstances
or you a victim of your passions

Wei-wu-wei is conscious nonaction. It's a deliberate, and principled, decision to do nothing whatsoever, and to do it for a particular reason. (chinese)

A verschlimmbesserung is a supposed improvement that makes things worse. (german)

 Orenda is the invocation of the power of human will to change the world around us. It is set up to be the opposing force to fate or destiny. If powerful forces beyond your control are trying to force you one way, orenda is a kind of voiced summoning of personal strength to change fate. (huron?)

Gâchis  means 'a wasted opportunity.' Specifically it means an opportunity that was wasted by ineptness being hurled at it from all directions *french)

Kalpa  Time passing on a cosmic scale (sanskrit)

Razbliuto (Russian) Update: Or English , pronounced ros-blee-OO-toe, describes the feeling that a person (generally meant to be a man) has for the person who he once loved, but now no longer loves.

je ne sais quoi (uncountable)An intangible quality that makes something distinctive or attractive.

a reference to 9/2/13

 I have an old post to put up, but it is not time for that today.  We'll get to today shortly.

Lifted weights and rode bike, walked, swam, swam and walked the last 4 days; this morning I weighed in at 175, my initial target weight, but somehow no closer to the 170 final target.

The response: I have spent the time thinking about the ramifications of whichever decision was made or if it is a status which is not rejected/accepted, but perhaps still under consideration.  Perhaps a request for something else.  I was able to see the positives of a negative decision; all too clearly.  Nevertheless, I knew I needed to act on this one if it came through.

But it was a rejection.  This is the first one where the rejection was not warranted, depending on how you want to look at it.  Do I have the chemical plant to undertake the work?  No.  All I have is the science that no one else has, I'd have to get the chemical plant to finish it.  But no one else will get this where it needs to be and I could.

As it is, the same science, now developed; remains to be exploited and it is in line, after a fashion.

Where am I?

As near as I can tell 9 grants have been rejected.

Of these 2 were just loi(s); the write ups to both were helpful; I understand why they did not move forward.

3 were sent without the correct information to support them which will probably be rectified this month and next with some real support.

One was early, but right, this was the NSF one.  It probably should have been funded; but the support was never circulated and when it was filed I was not ready.  That being said, in my opinion I finished phase 1 while waiting for the rejection.  That was hard, but not such a big problem for me, because I am more ready now, the results of filing it were to propel things forward, I can live with that for a short time.

That leaves 3.  The one that should have issued yesterday, but failed probably because of a capability question, but ignoring the science; I was not able to get them to see the science.  I will get some feedback, it will be interesting to see what it is.

There were two which were beyond the capabilities of the company and we're looking at partnering to get that capability on one and the other one, well, we may have another shot at it and if we get it we'll have problems, but not theoretical, addressing it and should be able to tackle it before phase 2 is reached.

4 remain pending, one just at the LOI phase which should progress and we'll know next week, 3 which should be filed, one on geology, one on biology (maybe cancer) and one on quantum computing.  On all 3 I am looking for a partner and may not file one or more if I can't get it.

The question is how far can I go practically from here; how far am I willing to go.  There were only two which were really a problem and they can be fixed.  But there is the credibility problem and the exhaustion problem.  I think if I was being paid for this I'd have the energy to stand up against the stupidity out there; the energy to put together these partnerships.  If I had recognition, well if that happened everything else would fall into place.

We joked about 5 years for my writing career which started 10 years ago and to some extent this is an outgrowth of that.  For all but the last two years, starting on this as the third, I had another job so the writing was relegated to being a hobby; but now I'm doing this to the exclusion of everything else and its hard to look at this record of 7 and 0 on the decided grants; the LOI(s) count, but not as much.

It is very hard, hard to wait, hard to make you understand, hard to keep going.  Go on, I must, however and things are, in their way, going well.  There are still matters that could eclipse all these problems that I am waiting for, but things are slow and I am running out of time and patience.

My science can save the world, sometimes it doesn't seem worth it.  Without you.

The afternoon of mystery after cinco de may

 i may be too ready for rejection.  proposal selection has a positive ring to it; but today was a long day, i was up before 5 and at work by 6 so i chose to prolong finding out what happened.

Before i go on, something i think is funny:https://youtu.be/qOw44VFNk8Y

A little mystery is good for life; perhaps a little separation too, but i have had enough separation to last a lighttime.  If you were here we would sit down and check it together and commisserate or celebrate as the situation dictated, as it is I can wait.

What if this comes through, if proposal selection is not just a direction to rejected and accepted; what if things are finally coming together.  Would not it be a little bit cruel to make you go to a link just to be told no?  It is too early to expect that kind of logic; it will be disappointing and frustrating enough if it is not the obvious yes.  I dont mind saying that this would be a very big step; perhaps if the science holds up a huge step; but it is likely a proposal decision not to select, we will see; and if it goes forward, the potential limitations are signficant; although the ramifications go far down the line and it is a good time for it.

I started the process of self filing in canada; obviously something you can do there; well technically something i can do there.  I already have done that here for the deadline later this month.  Not sure where else to look; i can hire someone for next to nothing in india and i think i have another month to go there,  another month for europe which is not inexpensive.

What does proposal selection news amount to?  There should be 2 of these, perhaps if the other one reads the same way then i will know and if it is different?  what would i know then?  still nothing.

I have to do a review to get a gift card, so here is my draft of same, but it is a good and honest review and i hope the gift card is also good and honest, but we will see...

This is my review of the 3000 psi pressure washer.

First, i got this because a pool guy suggested it could take care of a black algae problem that was eating into the pool and brushing it was useless.  I figured this was worth a shot since the alternative was 8000 to redo the pool.  I will probably have to do that eventually but i may sell the house before i need to now.  With the current real estate market it would be shock if that did not happen.

i should have taken a before shot of the black algae.  some of the green algae growth is coming back, but most of the black algae was washed out, even underwater without draining the pool.  I was worried about getting a unit with enough power, so i settled on this unit, a little more expensive, but rated higher.  I used the second to highest attachment which worked well.  A more powerful unit would have been a waste of money; partially because this unit is so powerful, it will cut through the concrete pool finish if its left on too long.  I sprayed at a sharp angle to minimize that.  I will have to spot clean the rest of the black spots that are left to minimize the damage since it will probably rough up the side of the pool.  A lot cheaper than replacing the entire finish, thanks to the pool guy who suggested this.

I need to go back and try to get more of the algae out when the pool gets a little warmer, but i am adding the use of this unit to the regular maintenance since it work better than brushing and is easier at least on these ground in algae areas.

It worked extremely well around the lights and on the steps also for this purpose.

I have a couple more jobs to do and it will be interesting to see how it does on getting up the growing green stuff between bricks and pressure washing the mold from the winter off the house, but it already did the main thing and if it lasts the summer (the warranty should last that long) then it will have paid for itself several times over.  For tall jobs, the wand handle is not very long, so if i was looking for minuses i would say the hose to the wand and the wand itself could both be longer; but for my purposes they are both long enough.

It was easy to assemble; set aside 20 minutes if you have any experience with a screwdriver and hooking it to the hose and power and attaching the fittings to the wand is super easy.

It is very light weight, it almost feels too light, but when you have the power on and the water turned up and pull the trigger you get the benefit of all the powerful engine which for my purposes is better than a gas unit because its so much easier to use.  Worked well with a long hose and extension cord.

It is getting dark and it has been a long day.  I am tired and my eyes are beginning to hurt so this will have to do for a post on this seis de mayo de mistic

cinco de nada

 today i felt very small.

There seemed tobe very little to do.

A little more design work on the electron,the highlight of the day.

Finishing the black hole grant, but it required very little.

Nothing was happening today, waiting seemed to be wasting time

I am worried one day this week will see the end of everything that is happening

Then nothing will be happening.

Starting all over with nothing, except for a sense that everything that has been done is for nothing.

I would like to write, but not yet.

i would like to change the fundamental nature of my life

but not yet

not on a day when i feel very small

like i could vanish tomorrow

leaving no trace, the fog that burns off before anyone sees it

i finished a book i was dreading tonight, finishing it for no reason better but to finish it, a book with terrible punctuation and foreign characters who i did not understand or empathize with and who i would begin to follow only to have them disappear, into pages that ended up meaning nothing.

i am running out of time, energy, money and patience

but mostly time

i could regain everything else, but not time.

Where are the answers i have been looking for, the responses, the changes, the endings to this endless middle.

I am too impatient, too small to say alll the things i want to say.  I am not unhappy, merely disilusioned, unsatisfied, mistified and understanding too well everything around me, too mcuh understanding, the beauty of the world around me, the opportunity blending into a pattern which does not have enough randomness for hope to live comfortably.

may the fourth make us love each other

I am watchig this type up the page, itrefuses to reallign on the pad, There is thunder outside, i dont have my glasses, a big enough screen, the words scroll upwards in blurry squiggles.

I have had a long period of under 175, not at 170, not even close for some time.  Not sure about today, i oveate a little yesterday and today, even though yesterday i sawm and walked the dog, today i rode the bike and lifted weights, but i still feel like i have been working out to eat instead of the otehr way, the way it should be.

this is the first time i have typed on this blog in forever, my other blog unreadd and not particularly interesting as a result.

What is truth, i was told that my relationship was over, met that with great relief, only a few obligations to meet then freedom to be lonely; but then it evaporated as if it never happened, i mention it and i am told to only say positive things.  that is a positive thing.

does freedom come with success, whil i ever find out?

i am waiting for the next wave,  of rejections, due this month.  at least one should not be, one to give a sense of purpose, of acceeptance of recognition and hpefully freedom.  any day now, definitely this month.

i am moving on, i have to.  the next one on saving the earth from volcanos, earthquakes, solar wind, climate change.   15 pages done now, at least a good draft, two or three more of proof, and hopefully an expert.  there is a chance three, a volcanologist, just enough to add credibility to a minimal grant, but enough for..time; not freedom with taht one perhaps, but time.

I am still waiting for other nformation whch might be enough, way overdue, 60 days perhaps this day, the forth is not with me; i have to make my own fourth if i can.

in september of 2013 i was writing poems.  interestsingly there were poems in my last published book, i shared it with the air force, its grosslly out of date, even in 2019, early 2019; everything changed a year ago,the force was with me then.  the thunder has turned to rain.

9/2/13

don't think that you won't hurt me
by doing what I ask
and by not understanding
that often no means yes

And don't think love's
a one way street
that only hurts you
just because you drive

or that you ruining love
for me or anyone else
just because you can
makes this all a game

its all about responsibility
avoiding it for someone else
because i want what is there
but not to be obligated for it