5 and 42 days-what are the right dreams

I sneak out every morning around this time, a little before 5, and look for you.  You are never there, but I still look.

I wish I could sleep or that I could reach over to you at least.

It is so early and dark this morning that even the cats are not complaining to be fed.  I have my first coffee and it is always much better at this time.  I was born to be a farmer and perhaps if I was I would still have my vision or perhaps I would be on my knees feeling for sprouts coming from the ground.

I have had a low grade cough, irregular and probably more associated with the constant swimming and humidity than anything else; but my brother has covid, thankfully after being vaccinated, so it makes me wonder and I worry more for everyone else than myself that the country is filled with superstitious idiots.

This image, I remember from high school, shows that superstitions repeat themselves; just like all other things; an observational genius eliminates a life wrecking disease and yet a percentage of the population with no understanding attacks it for no logical reason.  Of course even I fear this science which seems to be coming at us from both the disease creation and defense; but the politicization of a disease is so idiotic it could only be dreamt up by man, and giving Boerbert and Greene their due, by woman.

Benjamin Jesty, a plain man like me, and Edward Jenner, an opportunistic doctor; represent the type of growth of intellect that seems juxtaposed to the inherent stupidity that killed 600,000 (and counting) due to the insanity of maskless and mask adverse anti-science segments of the population.  To some extent even I worry about untested vaccines, but the idea that masks are somehow inappropriate in a pandemic is surprising to me, although knowing how stupid people are, it should not.

And speaking of swimming the last two days I have done this in the sun.  The water is 85, warm enough that there is no shock getting in; the shock comes at the end of the first im when, gasping for air and shocked from an overheated heart I turn over and if the sun is not behind a cloud the additional shock of the heat put shock, breath and life in the balance.  But I've exercised every day for the last two weeks, inside or out except one day when I only walked the dog.  After swimming we walked yesterday; but it was a shorter walk in the heat and humidity of the early evening, an unpleasant affair, not satisfying other than the innocent outreach of the other people walking their dogs at the same time and in the same heat.

It would be wiser to walk the dog now, the temperature in the comfortable 70's despite the humidity; but it is dark and I want to tell you about my day and drink my coffee and listen to the cats steadily get more awake and impatient.  It's been 30 minutes that I've been up and after 5 now and they are curious, a scratchy.

I can't really understand the Olympic surfing competition.  Yes they are good surfers; but what is going on without a Patrick Swayze/Keanu Reeves point break surfing movie comparison, i just don't understand it.

Something seems to be missing here.

In the end isn't this a burned out endless summer thing?

The track and field events have started at the olympics.  That is a favorite of mine, although the way olympic athletes clear the hurdles is misleading, it loses some of its beauty.  The technology of the graphics and the ability to slow the video helps a great deal.

One needs to look to the background shots to see the effect of the heat there in a world which is overheating too quickly and where the solutions, like mine, remain hidden by the same type of small minded ignorance that limits our response to covid.  That being said, the athlete's ability to overcome the heat and fly against gravity is lovely.

Since it is dark and you are not hear making it even darker, I will note that as of today, the economic effect on the medal count reflects that China has, at least in the first days of the olympics, overtaken the United States by an appreciable amount reflecting the same thing in their economies.  One might ask, where are the USA olympic uniforms made.  Again, something that reflects stupidity as much as economic modeling; but also China's recognition that they have to open the economy to greed and avarice to be successful.

The success of the united states is bolstered by its international nature, perhaps hiding even greater economic weakness; the USA being a country of all other countries more than any place else, our diversity could be our truth if not for prejudice and ignorance which we seem to embrace more than our athletes.

I will come back to this later, the cats want my attention.

1/24/14

win the lottery or travel with the right person without money

6 days and 43 days The younger generation 1929

I am very confused by the post below, but that needs to wait.

I am a little surprised by how close my move out west is.   43 days?  Hardly seems possible it was so far off before.  I have had to act in earnest to prepare and begin logistics.  I now wonder if the information sent to SNL went out too late.  I suppose that doesn't matter so much.  There is much to do.  I am almost ready and probably will before Monday send out the second edition of the NPTE.  That and the details to the SNL document require another provisional which will mimic the last one and not be too long I hope.

I wonder how much rougher wrestling was in the original olympics as opposed to those current one given the results in the olympics.  It is a nearly pornographic sport; perhaps only saved by obese power of the participants.

The window I am working in ends in September.  Since I plan to have everything finished for the provisional next week that doesn't affect me much.  I have a significant amount of work to do on it before then.

The coffee is good this morning.

I slept last night, the first time in several days, although only one day was only till 2AM.  I woke at 2 worrying it was happening again; but then it was 530 and I knew that I'd gotten a full nights sleep.  You were there in a way that told me that finding someone else was not what I wanted, although it was in the way of dreams, unsatisfying and ambiguous.

I have to start thinking seriously about swimming when I get out west.  This is complex since the 15 minute drive to the pool while not inconsistent with the past challenges my current abilities in terms of energy and time.  If I can find a used endless pool that would be better although perhaps then they would find my bloated body in a pool in the desert.  It would be a fitting end.

There are a couple of pools, access and hours remains questionable; but I am aware of them and probably will not cross that bridge till I get to it.  I wonder if I might be able to get a swim in on the way out...

I must crush those thoughts.  What awaits is the future, for all my hope it remains dark and ominous.

In preparation I have submitted the second SNL documentation and have been adding to it at a fairly good clip.   Already it has taken shape in terms of functionality.  It is evolving so quickly I can barely take the time to type this.

In 1796-small pox vaccine was ridiculed.  How little we have learned in 220 years, we are certainly no smarter than we were immediately after the country was founded.

1/23/14

This is the second act of Fiddler on the Roof.
It appears to have been written first which makes it even more interesting than it would have been otherwise.
It's well written and poignant.  Someone needs to put it music although it has music in it.

7 days and counting; The phone call Chapter 2

I want my donut and my hundred dollars.

Up at 4:00, although it can't be called sleep what happened after 2:30.

Took a shower, fed the cats who are always ready to eat and reheated coffee.

I have been thinking of the China-US Olympics which has replaced the US-Russia Olympics.

China has all the advantages in terms of population and money; but the US continues to have the most diverse population at the Olympics; including that mix of different mixes which is so uniquely human across the planet; in the USA for better but for all the worst reasons.  At best it should be an all native American team; but that was not the destiny and the prescribed claims of the past likely have little to do with the future.

For all the faults of the USA, what it has that is right, however strongly rejected, is right randomly.

Yesterday I could not swim.   The lightening lasted far into the evening, at 1030 the sky still lit up.  The cool wind from high in the sky was piped down to earth so I had a pleasant walk, but I think the fact that I otherwise took the day off might have impacted my sleep.

I made many of the changes that could be done without research or artwork in the NPTE.  There remains a lot of work to do before the second edition can go out.

I also wrote down some short notes on the energy thing.

I am wrestling with life right now.  This near term of transitions, how to use them and how they will use me.

You're thinking, the third is 4 days off, 5 at the most; but there has to be a day or two of leeway.  I am encouraged, it doesn't take a long time to say nothing is there; I continue to think the evidence from both sides will match and things can progress quickly, but we will see.

This is hard and yet I persevere.  My eyes wear out first every day, long before anything else is gone.  I need to start thinking about how to work without seeing.

I ended up eating all of the food I prepared last week.  I can't say I enjoyed it at every meal, sometimes I ate more to deal with some perceived need as opposed to actual hunger.

I am as close as I can get to the next attempt to deal with the fuel issue; write up after a fashion in general terms at least and out to the national laboratory.  I am not entirely sure what that will look like in the end, but I hope that I will take the next steps this week.

It is late now, I swam while the sun was out, it was almost too hot for the first im, i turned over to do the back stroke and could not get my breath.  If it had not been for the thin layer of clouds it may not have turned out well.  The water temperature started out at 85 degrees so it was not a good temperature but the water was clear.

I may edit this later, I don't really like it, it doesn't feel like I'm talking to you.  Perhaps I am too tired.

1/17/14

I could write forever.  Great emotion gives way to creativity.   IT is the passion that carries off in the prior blog.  So this is just a writing lesson.
What will happen with the people, how will i make you care about them.
The voice is another example.  This voice is a different way of delivering information.   This entire story (so far) involves a telephone conference.

8 days and counting: the brilliant insights of the Greeks olypics and parmenides

I woke up for the last time at 3:30 am.  I don't know how early it is now, there is no hint of dawn.

The day passed weird; at 6 I decided to swim, did 1500 yards, 1000 im, and it woke me making sleep almost impossible afterwards.

In 515 BC Parmenides was born.  In 490 BC Zeno was born (approx)

There is a weird olympic fact whereby the greek city state of (Carmarina) Kamarina-528bc had a gold medalist at Stadia in the 63rd olympic games (this would have been 13 years "before" Parmenides the philosopher was born).  The gold medalist was also named Parmenides.  Well, well what have we there?  Was young Parmenides named after a sports hero from the other side of greece or perhaps something more romantic?

Here are some interesting notes on the Stadia event which was run nude: From Wikipedia mostly

Stadia was the foundational olympic competition and one of 3 noted events that year.

Kamarina is also a city in Sicily; but Kamarina, Greece is 572 KM from Elia, separated by Athens. 

(wiki-Stadion or stade (Ancient Greek: στάδιον) was an ancient running event, part of the Ancient Olympic Games and the other Panhellenic Games. It was one of the five major Pentathlon events. It was the premier event of the gymnikos agon (γυμνικὸς ἀγών "nude competition").[1]

From the years 776 to 724 BC, the stadion was the only event that took place at the Olympic Games. The victor gave his name to the entire four-year Olympiad, which has allowed scholars to know the names of nearly every ancient Olympic stadion winner.^[1]

The stadion was named after the building in which it took place, also called the stadion. This word became stadium in Latin, which became the English word stadium. The race also gave its name to the unit of length, the stadion. There were other types of running events, but the stadion was the most prestigious; the winner was often considered to be the winner of an entire Games. Though a separate event, the stadion was also part of the ancient Pentathlon.

At the Olympic Games, the stadion (building) was big enough for 20 competitors, and the race was a 200 yd (180 m) sprint,^[2] but the original stadion track in Olympia measures approximately 210 yd (190 m). The race began with a trumpet blow, with officials (the ἀγωνοθέται agonothetai) at the starting blocks to make sure there were no false starts. There were also officials at the end to decide on a winner and to make sure no one had cheated. If the officials decided there was a tie, the race would be re-run. Runners started the race from a standing position, probably with their arms stretched out in front of them, instead of starting in a crouch like modern runners.^[2] They ran naked on a packed earth track. By the fifth century, the track was marked by a stone-starting line, the balbis. Advancements in this stone starting block led to it having a set of double grooves (10–12 cm (3.9–4.7 in) apart) in which the runner placed his toes. The design of these grooves were intended to give the runner leverage for his start.^[3]

The winner of the stadion in the first Olympic Games was Coroebus of Elis.)

It has been a trying time.  I have the 27AF(s) out as of today with 20 still pending; some positive; nothing definite.  Next months it is back  to Nt.

I am a little under 1/2 way through the edits of the Npte.  this is a lot less than it should be and many of the edits are only suggestions that I need to do more work in an area or clarify something with a clarification which isn't developed yet.  Even so, the work is something of a masterpiece; the culmination of 7 years worth of work; it needs a lot and omits volumes that are covered in other papers; but it does what it needs to do and it is being consumed on at least a limited basis.

Today I did the stair machine and a very limited weight workout, my motivational level was not high.  The pool, however, looks really good.

It is thundering, no chance of a swim any time soon.

I have another meal picture from the weekend, now long gone.

Here's a look before it was assembled

I was heavy on the 1.25 worth of avocado (1/2 of it).

The bad sleep is not as bad as it sounds, since I was asleep for the first time a little after 9.

I gave up on sleep at 3:30am and started to read a particularly engaging though sad with the lost youth I remember so well part of my book; but the light activated the cats and before long I had gotten up to feed them.

I looked at my phone, I suppose hoping to see something from you.  Perhaps you look at this blog that way sometimes, early in the morning; with no hint of dawn in the sky.

I have some reheated coffee now and water and I've eaten my cereal and it is still too early to be up.  

I have plenty to look at after that AF thing which may be a waste, but why I don't know

The DOE stuff comes to mind as being on my calendar although I am not too sure there is a place there this go round, perhaps too mired in non-scientific inquiries, too limited in scope as to who can apply or whatever.  There is also the carbon stuff, although that is the smallest of areas, the NSF application is far advanced at this point and should be finished, perhaps after the NPTE and its bearing on catalytics.

https://auto.howstuffworks.com/catalytic-converter.htm

So very, very much to do; so much has happened.  I leave for New Mexico 9/10 if things don't change.  A trip into the wilderness.  Very strange.

January 13, 2014 I was in the middle of so very much; but I took time to cite a post which has no relevance that I can think of, to what I am doing now.

1/13/14

http://www.hngn.com/articles/21907/20140113/ability-to-control-light-waves-could-be-at-the-tips-of-our-fingertips.htm

9 days and counting a look back at religion, cooking 2

I swam early again after watching the us olympic team win the 400IM (that's my thing! at least that is the focus of my swimming exercise routine).

It's not like I wanted to swim.  But even at 9am its the time of year that the water was warm enough there was no shock entering it and the shade from the trees kept the sun from bothering me and now I feel better having one less thing to worry about today.

So this was lunch made from yesterday's cooking.  There is a bed made from the baked onion and 1.5 pieces of the chicken, a little mustard, lettuce and tomato (not assembled so you can see it).

I mashed two of the baked potatoes with milk and butter and added the mushroom and onion gravy to make a potato-mushroom soup (pretty good, needed some extra salt).

The entire meal was very good, the onion was sweet.  Or maybe it it had something to do with the sense of relief I have felt, no matter how short lived.

Normally, I'd add cheese to a sandwich like this; but it had plenty of flavors and I don't think the cheese would have added much.

It is worth laughing about you thinking I would leave you.  There are so many reasons this makes no sense but the ultimate irony would be, having had the love of my life that I would forsake that for some other reason, but then we don't know, what would happen with that RV and could we continue with the passion and magic that inspired me to parse the universe.  You are right that we were both supported by an absurdly small amount of time, so perhaps there is too much romance and not enough reality.  i do not know and I do not care; as the math it inspired, it is the theory of everything.

I may have another one of these meal ideas from today tomorrow, perhaps not.

It is late now, I just finished an evening walk, classical music the whole time, this time, and I'm watching pool soccer (water polo) on youtube, something I used to do although its been a while.  And surfing, I am not sure what that means.

I suppose my heart remains with the swimming; although perhaps my swimming and theirs are not of the same class.  How happy that Tunisian was winning the gold in the 400, what energy, a tribute to the human spirit if there is such a thing.

So the old post from 1/7/14 deals with good and evil, the possibility of heaven and hell in e-hologram theory and the less likely result in Non-Linear time theory.  This means that by that early date, I had gotten to the second theory that would ultimately evolve into the math that now seamlessly connections physics and chemistry and explains how a particle can have different wavelengths and be structurally identical, at least after a fashion.  What could I possibly be thinking back then, other than certainly I was in love whether my heart was broken or healed I do not know now nor is there any hint in this.

1/7/14

One of the least likely concepts in religion is heaven and hell.

Yet while e-hologram theory existed (before it was consumed by Non-linear time theory), it must be made to explore concepts which are otherwise not inconsistent even if not consistent.

If time is a function of thought, then good and bad thought may be inherent in the linearity of time.

There are moral imperatives in this concept in e-hologram theory.

cooking for one

So this post reflects my desperation not to waste the food I bought.  For whatever reason (the heat? you?) I have not had an appetite and have been living on things like cold spinach and tomato salads, to go food (the gumbo was particularly smart and good), and leftover mashed chickpeas twice.

I've also eaten some fruit which seems to be high on my list for things I am drawn to right now.

The following cooking highlights reflect what was done in an hour and took care of all the food that needed cooking.  I wish I had driven instead; but this is done and over even though I am not hungy.

So on with the cooking blog.

So the first thing was to toss the chicken and pork chops in seasoned oil (garlic, basil (the king of spices), paprika, oregeno and something else, sage or thyme, I think).  I forgot the salt and pepper initially but added it before sticking it in the oven. The potatoes were the right size to bake with everything else (400 degrees for 35 minutes)

Halfway through I added this broccoli tossed with a little bit of oil and salt.  The cheese was added afterwards.  I turned all the vegetables and meat over before putting it back in the oven.

These ingredients, the drippings washed (deglazed) from the pain above, grilled and with a tablespoon of flour yielded mushroom gravy.

This is what the gravy looks like.

Meal 1.  I added some butter to the potato just for looks and put the gravy beside the porkchops and not on it just so you could see how well the porkchops browned.  It was delicious, the porkchops might be dry when they are microwaved (the next one); but this was within the acceptable range.  I barely tasted it and I'm not particularly happy that I ate it.

So here is some corn trimmed from the cob after cooking it (in the husk) for 1 minute in a microwave.  The hardest part of the meal was getting the corn into a pot.

These are the vegetable (a rotted green pepper, a jalapeño, carrot, onion and that piece of corn, still steaming in this picture.

So there was a pork chop dinner, and a chicken dinner, and two of the chicken thighs were used with a can of beans to make this "chili," maybe more of a chicken and bean dish that might fill a burrito shell with some fresh lettuce, tomato, onion and cheese; maybe some rice; or it might be eaten with some crackers.

The chicken dish for the moment is cooked just like the chops.  Even though I've been exercising and will be walking later; since I don't have any appetite I still have a chop, broccoli, chicken, potato and roasted onion along with enough mushroom gravy to eat with the chop and chicken and still make some soup should the mood strike me.

With salad it's enough food to last a week, taking an hour to cook and clean up combined.  Or forever if you don't have an appetite.

10 days and counting

I'm going to edit this post today, so it may change.

I am having inner ear issues, I also did the full swim before 9 am and did all the brush work on aging and greening pool walls required to take this up to an hour in the pool which is a lot, tried to recycle (its closed because of a fire at the main sorting plant-might be closed for 30 days..yikes!); planned a next stage fence repair (a metal gate); bought the materials for it and located most of the materials needed to finish (its a pretty simple, but not necessarily short repair).  Basically I remove most of the existing wood, the hardware that holds it in place and then replace everything with the new wood which needs to be cut to fit, then drill the wood out and replace the hardware.  The order of those things is another issue, but I'm not going into my carpentry thoughts here.  I'm going to minimize the new wood used since there is a lot of good wood with the bad in the fence and it makes sense not to waste anything.

The entire fence needs to be replaced, only about 250 in materials for that, but that's a bigger job and it isn't immediately necessary since the fence is secure enough to keep in whatever is in and out whatever is out; although it might help sell the property which is an important thought.  

I'm selling or offering a lot for sale right now; I have to attend to this larger fence job; but not right away.

I'm trying to start on the edits to the first edition of the NPTE, also need to do a youtube intro for it.  That's a lot of work and I've had some inner ear issues this morning, its still surprisingly early for all I've done.  I had to leave my watch recharging so no more monitoring today, but since I already swam; there's not a lot left to do.

I bought groceries on Wednesday and have yet to cook anything so I am going to be making 3 meals today.  Roasted Chicken, porkchops with mushroom gravy and chicken chili.  Making them together will not yield a particularly fresh result but it will minimize my time in the kitchen for the rest of the weekend.  I haven't been eating much, this might help expand my appetite or I may be getting sick or just losing my appetite, but its something that needs doing or the food will have to be frozen.

***

So I was alone this weekend.  I have had some opportunities for modest entertainment.  Listening to my brother's bluegrass band comes to mind.  Not my type of music generally; but its an example.

Last night would have required less time on the road and Lightening saved me from swimming, but didn't stop the walk.

Sadly, I did not care enough.  Not sure how much it would take for me care enough to get my life back together.  Am I too tired for that?

I wonder if I am too busy doing nothing.  So many unanswered questions, theories left in my life.

I would drive over and see you today; but what we have to deal with would take a lifetime, not a day.  I'm not even sure if I have a lifetime.  Also, unless something changed, I'd be stressed out the whole time, just as I'm stressed out the whole time now.  If that wasn't enough, I'd still fall asleep at 8:30.

I was wondering if I would find any, but it is a relief to be done with bad poetry and be looking back at meaningless histories.  This was for when I was still looking for something, but I'm not sure what I was looking for.

1/7/14

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2014/01/07/supernova_dust_factory/

11-12 days and counting Last words

I intentionally skipped day 13.  Day 12 came follows, then Day 11.

 A day without sunshine, it rained yesterday.  And it rained and it rained.

What I haven't done is as significant as what I have done.

I'm hoping my mood is not as dark as it was.

I did a short workout (800 im after a short workout) after the walk; under a mile but it cooled me off.  I was hoping to hear more, but I was met with silence which did not surprise me or disappoint me.

Day 11

I wasn't able to get to this yesterday.

After the walk I swam again.  Didn't feel like it, didn't want to do it, but I was hot and sweaty again so I did it and managed to do a mile with the full 1000 im which I needed in the end to sleep.

Yesterday I was told that much of my problem was a lack of funding for projects like mine at the Air Force.  I spent a lot of time on the Air Force funding over the last month.  Of course no work is a total loss; but it was disappointing to find out that this BAA went out without adequate funding.  I am working hard and next week will be critical even as I continue to finish the AF outreach.

I did not eat much yesterday, could not get any appetite up.  To the extent it can be considered a benefit; I ended up slightly under my initial target weight this morning.  It's almost 7 and I'm finishing my coffee, needed to get to work.

This post has some of my worst poetry; but it does say something about how 2014 started off.  That was 7.5 years ago!

1/5/14

I read your last words everyday
So I will remember them
In case you ever forget them
I can remind you of what we shared
And what you thought of it

I hope you found someone
who loves you half as much as me
because then you'll understand
half of what is missing
and all of what you could have had

I would hope that you would think
you could think you found a love
as deep and true as mine
for then you can at least believe
that you have what we once shared

14 days and counting the french story

I just finished my swim, 1600 yrds, 1000 im; not one of my better efforts.  It was so incredibly nice, it has been storming, hot and muggy and the stress of developing this new technology; then to hit the cold water and have nothing but time and movement was a blessing.

And then there is you.  This is how it goes in my mind.  You ask me if I want to talk, I say no, I want to see you, you ask why, I say something like I need to make sure you are not everything to me as I imagine you to be; you ask when I say today, tomorrow, next week, any time.  You say yes.

Or maybe you just say I love you and nothing else.

But it doesn't happen.  Nothing happens.

I am working, it is hard to do this much alone, without success.   I have gotten some great feedback, but nothing has moved forward and it may never happen.  And of course...

It's two weeks, now.  What does this mean?  Maybe nothing, maybe August 3 will come and go with nothing and I'll have to move forward with only my side of things.  That can happen.  Or maybe the whole thing will fall apart then or maybe it will come together.  Who knows?

I want to say that you are too this or too that, that you are another problem that I don't need in my life.  But the truth is something different.

"You're not a wrecking ball you're my soul mate."  So the TV show says.

I don't want to talk to you, i want to hold you and never let go until death separates me from this horrible desire.

On 12/20/13 I tas thinking about a book, something to go with those writing tips, I suppose.  And it seems like in that last post from 2013 there was some poetry, mine or someone elses?

Anyway-this is the post from 12/20/13:  Robbery-have to wait for a natural disaster to rob the casino to get everyone off of the boat.  Events come up.  afraid of doing it, but in love with a waitress.  Someone is broke and needs cast to get out.
Crazy/hyper-wade/billy type who is catlyst to keep everyone moving.
Bad guy is the casino operator-and enforcement guy-skimmed money.  Who found out about it?  Can't report income.

15 days and counting Writing tips: A software paradox

 It is Monday.  I had high hopes for the weekend, none of which came to pass.  I did exercise "enough," I apparently went off my target weight despite the exercise.

My attempt to seize victory from defeat was met with a non-answer.  Effectively, I snatched defeat from a defeat although a door was opened just a little bit, the eternal optimist looking for something positive in this mess.  There is a lie of sorts here, a lie of omission; but it was expected, it is not the end of things, not really.

I feel very low right now, there is a sense of futility to what I am doing even with all of the success I have had and which continues.

There is a storm raging outside.  There are 15 days left and still no news...

I want to talk.  Is it  possible? Could anything good come out of it?   I doubt it; not based on that last call.  Indeed, the way things are going, I can only imagine things getting worse. And yet, every day that passes I feel more compelled than the day before.   I thought I was close to being your equal, that we could move forward as equals.  Now I wonder if I shouldn't have just tried the writing thing or stayed with the law that was working so well and still offers opportunities.  Is it possible that things will somehow come together.  I have done so much; but if no one else sees it, does it even matter?

Let's talk about things being worse.     I am preparing to flee out west, steadily getting closer.  It would be so much easier if things would go better, but I cannot count on anyone but myself.  

I could have written this, but it was written by someone else. I take it back, I couldn't have written this, because there are other issues that I have; makes these guys look more qualified than me.  Just one more thing that is worse and not better.  "We are on our 4th or 5th proposal, never successful. It seems to us that the system is really an insiders' game. Some evaluator criteria explicitly privilege companies that have already worked with one of the agencies or that specific agency - insiders. Others give points for academic degrees and publications but nothing equivalent for people who have worked in the industry and technology area for 20-30 years and who have the practical experience to really innovate. It seems career-building credentials are rewarded over actual innovation. How does a small first-time company break in?..."

This post wasn't published, but it also had 16 hits and won't post to the right place.  What is going on?

Before 12/20/13

but listed as 8/26/14

Character: To make a great character, start with a personal quirk that will stay with the reader.  Eliminating all thought words (he thought) and put in behavior which shows the thought and behavior can include action, body language, memory.  It's show, not tell.  What are the motivations of characters not facts for historical fiction.

Voice: 1 page of most interesting narrative voice-make it someone you'd want to know, good or evil.  Deeply about personality; about point of view.  What they want to convey is conveyed largely through the tone of voice.
One technique to help with the voice is to have constant surprise.  This jolt can come from a turn of phrase, description not heard before; make them sound more interesting than a real person or easier to understand.  Quirky people saying unexpected things in unexpected ways.  Whenever anyone talks, make sure there is necessary meaning, not a slump.  And while quirky don't go too far.  e.g. "History doesn't repeat itself but it does come awfully close."

Creating Page turning momentum:  Some form of tension (a question that needs to be answered or conflict that must be resolved).  Avoid activity vs action.  Necessary action only, that thrusts forward the story.  You're not going from one room to another unless there is a reason.  Yearning is another technique-this must be palpable-a deep place.  If not yearning, then fear-of something people understand, like poverty. Passion, how about passion, isn't my personal story driven by passion, one that has lasted my whole life?  If not passion, the desire.  I want therefore I am.

Start the story-1-3 sentence tag lines, a strong lead in.  What does the story mean to the writer in summary: Here's the tag line: Stealing the gold casino; despeart people risk everything with a storm coming to steal the skimmed, untaxed winnings of a corrupt casino operator.
Here are some other examples:  Boy meets girl, she's a fish,  Titanic in space

SEPARATION, trial, victory, return reintegration
archetypal hero journey:  I led you, playing the role of the sybil and
virgil who led me; questioning the dead is teh role of the hero, so you to can ask me waht you will, both guide and damned
No: alloted tiem in hell, i i am here today and i am here today, tomorrow and I remain.
Hell of the aneid-saint and sinner alike enjoy its comforts;
gluttony, wrath, sloth, avarice, lust, envy and pride
compare cheaters, hoarders, adulterers, ???
virgil: we suffer each his own shade" having the view of the sinner and the victim but dante is correct that hell is inseperable for the suffering is eternal
virgil-reincaration because we are all one,

16 days and counting or maybe 17 again

Down to two weeks and two days.  Of course, this is just a date and just the resolution of a single issue; in whole or in part.

Sometimes, things are unbearable.  I reached this point several times this weekend; but at this moment I am not at peace; but I only feel it under the surface, those things which I want more than wealth and fame; the quiet, special life.  I suppose the point of no return has returned.  What comes next?  How strange the articles I've read, their strange applicability; the news of the future which hasn't come yet.

I planned this weekend to take time to edit this rough draft, but in the end I needed a break, I suppose from anything other than this blog.  I did not get much of a break, I worked out, an easier day Saturday; but weights and swimming on Friday, speed swimming a short time on Saturday and then my regular swim on Sunday; it was a lot.  And I did not ignore work, I began my preparations for Monday which is going to be really busy and for which I do not have nearly enough done and now not enough time to finish.  I at least thought about it, not realizing that the deadline for the first set of meetings would all be on Monday, taking the pressure from the rest of the week and concentrating it in one spot.

What a strange shadow I cast over these books and science and what a strange shadow you cast over my life.

How far away I was from the truth on December 1, 2013 when I wrote this.  What was I thinking then, was I at peace or was I warring with myself like I am tonight, looking at my phone several times a day with a feral disappointment.  Whatever else, I wrote this which, now that I think about it, has a certain truth.

12/1/13

Highest energy should come from black hole

17 days and counting and a self portrait of sorts

How easy is it moving on for you?

I like hearing from you, you know.  That may be inconsistent with moving on; but I don't move on you see.  If I moved on, then I wouldn't figure out how the universe works, I'd get to a certain point and I'd...move on.  It's not what I do.  I'm just out there forever, staring into your window, mouth open and drooling, like a zombie.

So why not write back? I don't want to trap you into admitting to anything.  Like you love me, miss me, etc.  I don't have to sleep with someone to love them, exhibit 1 (you).  You knew how I felt, having exposed myself so long ago; before I felt trapped in something that I can't explain how to get out of; for surely every trap has an exit if one only knows which  key to turn, or which leg to chew off.

The only ones who can't get free are those who are brain dead, the zombies standing outside your door, waiting to hear the news they hope will come, they hope will never come, the hope that together we will find a way to come alive again.

There are around 302 of the old posts left.

Today I was dog tired.  I did some speed work swimming, then ran out of energy and pretty much did nothing but nap and read.

This book...it's something you probably heard about, probably read, but a quick read.  It has a little to do with complex relationships, not like ours, nothing is like ours.

Adequate yearly progress by Elden.

I couldn't finish reading it without knowing how it ended, at least conceptually.  That may well be the sign of a very good book and unlike the sea, the sea; the inspirational swimming book about living alone which is a sort of anti-character growth arc; this one is very short and fairly engaging and easy to read once you get past the introductory period.  It also has a lot about how to write which is engaging to someone who wants to write well but apparently cannot.

This is a post entitled How about little help from the physics and political spectrum "or" what are you people thinking? from November 20th, right before thanksgiving.

11/20/13

I'm trying to improve the audience.
You'd think that coming up with a new fundamental field theory would be enough to get 50,000 readers a day in a population of 7 billion people, but apparently not.  If I posted pictures of myself naked I would probably do better, but only because everyone would get a laugh out of it.  That says a lot about the audience of the internet and no, there will be no naked pictures posted.
Then there is the political discourse for changing government in the USA.  You'd think with congress at a 5% approval rating, I'd be able to get 95% of people of voting age with access to the internet.  I do, after all, have the only viable plan for congressional reform and term limits (state level congressional amendment, it's no secret).  The new theory of legislative review (applying different terms of intelligence) should also be worth a billion or two viewers world wide.
What's up with you people?  Don't you ever recommend anything?
And then there's the whole "war with china" thing.  I mean there are a billion people in china alone!  I can't get 500 million chinese to comment on the blog entries?
That's just sad, but I do have a picture of me below, just not naked, sigh.

18 days and countinng-

it should be 17 days.

I am pretty certain that in the NPTE first edition says in the introduction it will quickly be replaced.  If it doesn't get stolen the first edition proofs will come in this weekend and i will edit from an actual copy.  I have been working hard already on the second edition, the first one with the right name.  

Silly enough the first mistake is element instead of elements in the title.  You should order a copy in case the first edition means more than the corrected edition.

Iron seems to be right which is nice, and the insights it provides is special.

There are interesting errors and insights.

Iron continues to be one of the places where there are insights and questions.  At first an error seems to disrupt everything and then it sharply brings everything into focus.  A little funding would have eliminated that kind of error, but perhaps the second edition will be better for this.

I have the proof now, so it survived the so-called porch pilots.  Not that it would have been worth stealing.

The work with the grants is continuing; but it is difficult.  I have a better model, perhaps; and I think I am halfway through, perhaps a little more than halfway.

If the vision is not sinking in; I will be patient.  I am not waiting so much as I am growing.

Yesterday, I had bad acid reflux, something uncommon for me, that sent me into coughing para...what is the word?  I will have to look it up and come back.  Paroxysm?   That is close, but not right.

Yesterday morning I did two sets of weights and soon I will go for a short swim.  An abbreviated workout for an abbreviated weekend.

Last night I slept better; my stomach untroubled, perhaps the quiet that accompanies a break for the weekend.  I think I am losing days.  It does not matter.  I was not expecting any good news yesterday and will be happy if there is no news at all over the weekend.

Next week a lot more will happen and them more still the following week.  Whether anything good or bad comes out of it remains to be seen.  Critical things surround me.

It is early.  I am outside having eaten a meager breakfast with coffee heated from yesterday.  There is a thunderstorm with a top I would guess is at 30,000 feet just turning pink from the sun which has not risen otherwise..  Lower clouds are  the dark grey that comes before the morning light hits them, soon enough they will turn red, just as the red is beginning to move down the one pink topped cloud even as I write this, a type of clock for the restless.

The reheated coffee seems to have lost its caffeine, boiled off by my exhaustion or some trick of sitting overnight.

Here is all that came from what November 15, 2013, but it had this absurd title: math science and engineering, how to engage people-tie the future to it-World War C

http://on.aol.com/show/the-future-starts-here-517951318/episode/517965313?icid=maing-grid7%7Chtmlws-main-bb%7Cdl12%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D391794

19 and counting - NASA Mission Discovers Particle Accelerator in Heart of Van Allen Radiation Belts

It is actuallly 18 days, but yesterday was dark.  I will get to that.

If you are like me you are wondering where the poetry is.  I seem to be devoid of poetry both past and present.  I wonder if that will change.

I need to get to the dark part, so you will understand.

I'm getting dating links.  What have I done to deserve this?

Some of this stuff is interesting psychologically interesting.

Holding your set of beliefs, for example.  That's a thing that makes sense to someone who has to change everyone else's science.

I need to get to the darkness, is anything darker than you not being here?  Probably not, but this is something dark.  I will get to it.

imposing a reality on someone else is what we see in republican politics, the unreality taking over an entire group of people.  

But I said I would get to the darkness.

The NIST application was denied.  This was not a shock, but it is particularly disappointing.  Why?   Because I know sommething that the people in charge of the money do not know.  

It received very high marks including one evaluation with a 97 our of 100 rating stating that it should be funded.  I received an A and still failed.  How ironic.  I can't wait to see the next article from NIST stealing the information and claiming it for their own.  Very frustrating and a reflection of the incredible stupidity of the operation of these entities.  Of all of the applications filed, this was the one I knew that should be awarded and still nothing.  Incredibly frustrating.  These conceited jackasses; I've figured out how the universe operates, but I'm too big of a hillbilly to do anything with it.  So much bull-st.

And how much disappointment am I supposed to be able to stand.

And yet....I have started a process which received at least a little initial traction to sieze a very bright light indeed from the darkness.   It will be even more disappointing if it does not work out, but that would add a lie to  the conceit; we will see.

And nothing is worse than living without you, something i have spent my whole life experiencing except for a few fleeting moments.  Time to move on, which means looking back.

Well a look back at an approaching thanksgiving; now far in the past.  More nonsense, but this one looks back at July 28th, a weird double look back.  What was I looking for or thinking?

11.12.13

Subj: Re: NASA Mission Discovers Particle Accelerator in Heart of Van Allen Radiation Belts

http://www.businessinsider.com/greylock-partners-raising-1-billion-14th-fund-2013-7?google_editors_picks=true

On Sun, Jul 28, 2013 at 9:18 AM, isee3 <isee3@aol.com> wrote:

http://www.yumanewsnow.com/index.php/news/latest/3842-nasa-mission-discovers-particle-accelerator-in-heart-of-van-allen-radiation-belts

20 days and counting

I chased cats all morning.

I don't want or need pets.  Nothing wrong with pets, I just need time by myself, perhaps I could walk someone else's dog on occasion, pet a stray cat.

I had to feed then throw them out hoping that would cure their recent bad manners.  I know they don't mean to be a nuisance, then again they are cats so perhaps they do mean it.

I'm working from 5am to noon now and then less efficiently in the afternoon.  I finished the next 4 sets today and got some feedback from my contacts, sell more, look at what I'm doing less might be the summary.   I've spent a lot of time targeting the issues raised, trying to get relevant.

So I was starving at lunch today, ate a big sub; still hungry, ate a pack of peanut butter crackers, still hungry, ate a protein bar, then I got tired.  It was 2:00 after a pretty boring but important conference call so I went to the gym and did an hour of machine work and 20 minutes of weights.  For whatever reason, my exercise watch wasn't impressed and in truth I could have gone harder, after the first 20 minutes on the stair machine, admitedly at a pretty easy rate, the exhaustion from the big lunch was gone.  I dreaded the weights, but managed to do more of that than what I was expecting, essentially the whole normal workout which is not hard or easy.

The pool is clouding up.  I'm dealing with that, perhaps not as well I should be; but tomorrow I may do more.  I know what I should be doing tonight; but I'll wait till tomorrow.

Another day has gone by.

I worry about the unfairness of this; but its a choice of some sort.  You have no idea how torn I am several times a day, then I am too tired.  I have been too busy, too busy to focus, but I'm going to take a minute to concentrate my thoughts.  There is a drought, a heat event, floods and it makes me mindful of the statement, the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans in this world; something like that.  But our problems consume me and those are things which are more pressing for the world at large and my ability to play a part in dealing with that; those are only things which put you and me into context.

I want to run away right this minute, throw myself at what I want.  In truth, I continue in that direction not just because I want to but because I have to.  This afternoon the plan was to get all of the billings online which would leave more mail issues to deal with.  That is a bigger issue than you have given it credit; bigger than I thought although I knew it was a problem; but I am tackling it.  Well, I would have if I had not gotten too tired.  There remains a lot of questions for how to do that.  Funding would help.  

None of this matters to you, but it is all important.  You can go on with your life, whether I can or not remains to be seen; but I have no intention of it being this version of it.  Those grants and the results of the next 20 days, assuming it is 20 days loom large in all of this; but not exclusively large.  There are arms in every direction there; the next two weeks continue without a break.

Working through options of dealing with mail other than bills, billing is the easiest problem to deal with, is a miniscule part of an operation which is more complex and the next two weeks are especially critical, the next 20 days defining what could be a radical inflection point; but assuming it isn't the next two weeks are.

I want to go on, but it will have to wait for the next post.  My eyes are tired again.  I've ordered the blue tint lenses; again you figure into all the minutia of my life; what happens when the last vestiges of that are gone?

Perhaps all of my posts turn into absurd articles saved from years gone by.

11/4/13

FEDS: Navy Commander Sold Secrets To Malaysian Businessman For Hookers, Gaga Tickets http://www.businessinsider.com/feds-navy-commander-sold-secrets-for-gaga-tickets-2013-11

21 days and counting

My hopes of swimming so far on 7/11 have been stymied by thunder even before 10:30.  I had a second breakfast (breakfast sandwich with hot veggie sausage) because I was hungry and it looked like swimming was not an option.

I'm doing a countdown even though the 3rd is not as fixed a date as I'd like.  It's not just a countdown to potential disappointment although if things turn out what will it mean?

I managed to squeeze in a swim. It was just my normal swim, a little over 2000 yards, between thunderstorms; but because of something, perhaps an effect of the hard workouts from before, my heart rate was in the 4 and 5 level.  I think it may have more to do with the watch, some problem there.  Whatever the issue, it was an easy workout that wasn't easy but its over now.

Nothing was posted yesterday, I am almost too tired and stressed to think.  I am slowly moving through the necessary work, one of what i would guess are 19 left was out today.  No exercise except a few pullups and a walk in heat and humidity which left me dripping and cold despite the relentlessness of  the heat outside. I feel better now.

Weight 174.6; not as  bad as i was worried.  My stomach hurts, probably from stress and overwork.  What i am doing right now is critical, time consuming, intellectually at the edge of my ability and, as always, frustrating.  

I want to write to you, that may be the thing that makes this most difficult.  I have so many things I want to share, the lunch with my friend whose business is doing so well and who is my age, but so much older; whose life is uncertain, The sea, the sea  I suggested. Or the old associate who has sold his home and is going cross country in a winnebego,  a 24 foot one, the smallest one with a full bed; he chose not to have children with his wife.

There are nuances to both of those stories w hich I would like to parse; but its not allowed, the feelings have to be crushed, i suppose; they are like the thick vines that live underground, you can cut them away above the surface, but pulling them up is hard and takes time, its hard to explain.

I am tired, trying to save the world, to prove my place in it, to prepare for the meetings which may go somewhere or nowhere this week and next; it is all I can do and yet, and yet there is much more that I have to do. 

The plasma thing with molten iron, the need to show the underlying symmetries which dont change, the plasmas, the states, the change that doesnt reach the neutron backbone even though it is hard to explain why and why not.

The things i want to say, to share, to explain, to cry over, to laugh about, time passes.

A month passed since the last unpublished post in 2013.

Halloween 2013

http://www.natureworldnews.com/articles/4716/20131031/astronomers-prepare-milky-way-supernova-100-percent-sure-occur-within.htm

A slow weekend and looking back at Replacing congress

I managed to get some exercise yesterday despite being too tired to do anything, riding my bike through the 100% humidity to the gym and back and surprising myself by doing full sets of weights before riding back.  The weather turned black and windy and cooler on the way back; but the threatening storm never came.  When I walked the dog, it had gotten hot again; and that was a little too much to do; but I took a vitamin and I feel ok now.

I haven't kept good track, but I suspect I've had 3 weeks of getting pretty significant exercise every day; perhaps with a day or two of just walking.   I can feel the wear and tear of it, trying to do lunges just to pick up stuff, not for exercise, proved pretty much impossible even though its not any exercise.  That's probably unfair, whatever exercise I'm getting there is not enough lunge type exercise, not enough stretching or yoga.  Quantity over quality leaning on swimming way too much in getting that record which doesn't take away the meaning but does limit the value of the statistic.

I haven't checked my weight in the morning in a while.    I ate well yesterday, two fairly good meals, no desserts as such (cheese and apples for dinner).  

I  haven't done any significant work this weekend.  If anything, I've had some ideas and forgotten to write them down in time.  This weekend I did not have a set "patent" I was working from.  The reason is that there have been so many different applications put together that a lot of control was lost over the process and there were two separate provisional patents supplementing the last utility patent.  Some attempt needs to be made to combine these while simultaneously pursuing grants on new applications.  The next round of grants is largely prepared and is one of those provisional filings in large part.  I'm waiting, presumably for up to 9 days, for the first edition drafts of the npte.  The book order is in North Caroline and it doesn't seem like it should take that long so I am hopeful.  I need not wait on this and one thing I've considered is putting together more atoms, perhaps the goal being at least one new atom drawing per day.  The problem is that once opened, it is as easy to do 5 in one day as 1 every day, perhaps easier all things considered.  

I also need to focus more on where the energy release occurs in terms of geometry and absorption of that.  So there is a lot to do in terms of searching for grants, applying for grants, putting together technical applications and filing for resulting intellectual property.

Bad people don't get to do what they want, except most of the time.  Or maybe who gets what they want varies randomly as it appears with everything else.

I do not claim to be a good person.  I have the same set of faults as anyone else.  Does that mean I am or am not a bad person?  I think the idea of good and bad is something personal.  Does it matter what I create, what I earn, who I take care of and who I hurt?  It is something we each decide within a framework which changes with a personal history and societal framework that changes as fast as anything.

Would you be surprised to know how much time I still spend on what I want on the fantasy of buying my way out of things; of buying the little things in life for you.  I don't think it does; despite the anger.  

I noticed that for 10 hours last night the temperature remained at 77 degrees.  That was pretty weird.  What conditions leave the temperature at one place throughout the night, I don't know but it was interesting to see.

The one last item is the now 22 day countdown to the Fema deadline and while that may not result in anything of consequence, and while it may not even happen within the 22 days which follow; it could happen earlier at any one of those days; beginning or ending the next steps in that process. If it doesn't make a significant change, it will open up another front of concern; where is the next big change?  The F-OIA will not change the slow and inexorable growth of the technology and the potential there; but it is hard to have the focus of future change be on only one thing, one difficult and finicky thing; and the idea of finding something in the law, the easy place to look, would be a step backwards.  There are many places to look; a search that never stops, but none as fast or as likely as this will be if it works out.

So there is a lot to do, a lot going on, quite a bit to think about.

The historical post of the day is something that is pretty mundane, but as relevant today as it was on the day it was written.  Something that was written, perhaps, just to get it off of my mind, almost 8 years ago.

10/13/13 Changing congress will go a long way to repairing the problems that the current administration (and the 5 or 10 before) have caused.  it will take that long

Plus/Minus; memories thrust upon me

The donuts did not kill me...yet.  That is a slow way to suicide.

I'm fat, but two days ago I did a fair indoor workout and then weights and yesterday I did a mile swim with 1000 im, a little short, but had to squeeze it in just under the thunderstorms that were out there as I wrote this.

I started another romantic comedy novel.  I don't think this one is a direct takeoff of something else.

My writing would be better, but as my eyes continue to deteriorate, I find myself having to take more time off.  I plan to go get new glasses next week and see if that helps.  I had to take off of work at 3 because my vision just gave out on me.  Of course that got me in to swim before the storm started and I have that behind me early so there is a ray of sunshine following every storm, so far at least.

What about you? How else would I know that Garum is Greek Ketchup, a fermented fish sauce which was used as a condiment in the cuisines of Phoenicia, ancient Greece, Rome, Carthage and later Byzantium.   I had a very hard time today.  I did the minimal swim before it started raining, 1500 yards, very minimal, but during the walk i kept reaching for my phone and losing my place in reality; moving between regret and guilt with alacraty.  I have joined chemistry and physics; so too have I joined despair with shame.  It did give me the idea for the new book, one which is just a smidge off of one i was working on anyway.

The days and weeks stretch out before me like the entry to a haunted forest.  I have the bulk, probably 14, letters to gauge interest to get out; meeting are coming up where a positive response coudl be signficant, the npte is done in at least a first draft and i have till july before any serious new deadlines will come about.  But my life seems to be in some sort of stasis despite being overwhelmed with things that are about to happen, i realize that there are no goals of a personal nature left, just get this done, get that done; take care of things, hope the information coming in meets my needs, my hopes and not my expectations.

It is raining, i cannot enjoy it because i cannot ignore the memories it thrusts upon me, the dreams that were perhaps realities that come back to me in the gray light.

9/20/13

When people ask how I am doing, I always say wonderful and terrible.  It is my trademark phrase.
My father used to always say he was terrible when people would ask him late in life how he was.
His partner adopted this way, everything is terrible, of talking after my father died.
I realized that this was both accurate and unduly pessimistic since there are always things to despair about, but there are also always wonderful things to look forward to.

Mom and suicide by donut

Well, this post finds me as low as I have been in a while. (7/6/21 was when this was written, perhaps that is why it took so long to post it).

It is weird the way we live for things that have not yet come to pass.

I did get some interesting information today which I don't know entirely how to process; but I will get to it in due time, probably not today.

We need reasons to live, and so when we lose them, we need other reasons to go on.  If there is nothing left, then we are left with nothing but to eat donuts until they kill us.  I ate two donuts today.  They could have been fantasy donuts because my life seems more tied to the fantasy of the future, than the present.

I am surviving, if not thriving today, because of my inability to believe what is happening.  And so when I decide it is better to die than to live this way, I look to the donut as a vehicle of death.

Did I already say that I had amended the first edition of the NPTE?  I cancelled the initial order since it would have made no sense.  I made a smaller order of what is not the first edition but which masquerades as the first edition.

This is a weird post from 9/13.

I am trying to figure out what or who I was talking about.

Mom is my mom?  How on earth would  a 10 year old abandon anyone?  No I clung tightly there, although in the end, when I could see death in the blank stare, the last troubled breaths, the complete lack of a reaction to a child's last kiss; I was saying goodbye, and I suppose I knew it was for the last time and not just the day in some way in the way a 10 year old knows anything.

Can I excuse myself for all the madness I caused because of what happened to me more than 40 years ago?  Does that child continue to live in me?  Certainly the memory is one of a few so burned into my brain that I can picture it with great clarity, my father angry, guilty, uncertain and completely unfamiliar to how to handle the task.  The same could certainly be said about me then and perhaps today.

How deeply I feel for everyone else, afraid to move lest I hurt anyone and thereby hurting everyone.  Is that what happened with my father?  Oh how tortured he turned out to be; how unready everyone was and perhaps how unready and defective we all are today because of that one cold morning that I try so hard not to think of but which is, after all, the last moment of me and mom.

Do you think I abandoned mom
just because i was young
and because she was dying
then why would i abandon you
when you are so much to me

On unrelated posts 9/2/13

Last night was filled with dreams of a distopian world where people were controlled and where getting hope was less an option than getting to some sort of marshalling locations.

I was separated from two people, neither of them you and found myself wandering in areas where I wasn't sure I belonged.  There was little satisfying or instructive.

It's VJ day as I write this, its not quite 6AM.  I went to sleep to the sound of distant fireworks, like there was a war going on, but not too far away.

This morning, i hear the sound of distant thunder.  I realize this morning how much I treasure this quiet time alone with my coffee, the distant storms, thinking about you or whatever else (is there anything else) that brings me comfort, the even more distant storm in the gulf which apparently we are safe from but which brings this comforting dark weather (why has rain always comforted me, when I was young it gave me an excuse to stay inside, a reason that was not a problem, but why now?).

Last night before I went to sleep, and after being out in the sun much of the day, I decided certain of the introductory parts of the first edition needed to go, even now before I had planned to delete them because they were too much about my own struggles and not the project.

To make the binding work, I had to leave a lot of the "filler" in and this ended up going into the e-book because it was too much trouble to come up with an alternative.

There is no dedication, not real ending; just the book itself and the filler; but it does look far deeper and with clearer pictures than anything that went before it and I wonder how long it will be now till I edit again, perhaps it will not be as long as I thought.  That being said, the edits were the result of my need to use the book in furtherance of grant applications and hence anything that detracted from that was counter-productive.  There is a great deal which distracts from that still, but not the worst of it, I hope.  I said the first edition would not last long and that turns out to be more true than even I intended; there may be no published record of that, or there may be 7 copies.

The cover did not change.

The surfside partially collapsed hotel was apparently demolished in the night.  Apparently they decided not to wait to get any remaining pets out of the half that remained standing.  What a perfectly horrible testament to the people whose bodies, likely dead, but perhaps some living, under the adjoining rubble.  What would they have wanted, I wonder?  I hope, without much faith, that none of the animals, hungry and abandoned, were there when the building was imploded, as I hope that there deaths were not for nothing.

I realized today that after the quickly filed provisional (to deal with the stuff leading up to the publication of the pte) I had no Patent document to work from going forward.  I was, for a moment before the 4th, caught up, as it were.  I am seeing new things every day and I'll have to deal with this need soon, until then I suppose there are places to keep those notes.  Today, perhaps, I will begin to fill out those missing atoms that I did not have time to reach to get the publication finished, to fill in the details and to try to see the connection to the common features issue which is reconciling the proton and neutron pte(s).

Soon I will get to the post that was written in 2013.  Apparently I was re-writing e-hologram theory; whatever that happened to be.   From what little is written below, things that are obvious to me now were not even considered then.

This is an interesting post because it refers to a yet earlier post, so it is a historical perspective inside a historical perspective.  Only the second one is dated.

How old was I when I wrote this?  I could figure it out, it was a long time ago.  Clearly it was written to you, another oddity.  Where were you when I wrote this on what must have been a cool day in September, almost 8 years ago.

One of the fun things about re-writing e-hologram theory, is finding the tidbits in there for reprinting.
Soon, I'll have the re-write of the chapter that little bits of time make black holes and explosions, one of my favorite titles, if not sections.

I find poems that I sent and wonder if you heard.

And I find things that have nothing to do with e-hologram theory, except that it is mentioned.

Here is something about what was going on in the blog, a long time ago when I was trying to explain where this was going, before I knew it was not going anywhere in particular:

The primary matters under discussion here are:

1) The current economic war with China

2) The removal through term limits of the current corrupt government, the implementation of these concepts.

3) The implementation in Long term, short term and immediate term intelligence in government generally, economic planning and the current world war (world war c)

4) The practical application of the Hologram universe.

I was looking for a quote (below) from Jefferson (a patriot) and Hitler (also a patriot, but ultimately a psychopath; but only dangerous when he found power without limits) and found a collection of quotes justifying the non-violent overthrow of the corrupting influences of a series of interminable successive terms for congress. Oddly, while hitler was extensively quoted I had to find the quote I was looking for elsewhere.

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty" 

 -- Thomas Jefferson

"It is the duty of the patriot to protect his country from its

 government."

 -- Thomas Paine

"Most ignorance is vincible ignorance. We don’t know because 

 we don’t want to know."

 -- Aldous Huxley

"The powers delegated by the proposed Constitution to the

 federal government are few and defined. Those which are to

 remain in the State governments are numerous and indefinite."

 -- James Madison said in the Federalist Papers, No. 45

"So long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom,

 those who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active

 and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any

 number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon

 sleeping men."

 -- Voltaire, 1764

"When once a republic is corrupted there is no possibility of

 remedying any of the growing evils but by removing the

 corruption and restoring its lost principles; every other

 correction is either useless or a new evil."

 –- Thomas Jefferson on the necessity of the impeachment

    provisions to our Constitution

"The World is not dangerous because of those who do harm but

 because of those who look at it without doing anything."

 -- Albert Einstein

"Experience teaches us to be most on our guard to protect

 liberty when the government's purposes are beneficent. Men

 born to freedom are naturally alert to repel invasion of their

 liberty by evil-minded rulers. The greatest dangers to liberty

 lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning

 but without understanding."

 -- Justice Louis Brandeis

"The price of freedom is eternal vigilance."

 -- Thomas Jefferson

"When the people fear their government, there is Tyranny;

 when the government fears the people, there is Liberty."

 -- Thomas Jefferson

"You only have the freedoms you are willing to fight and die for."

 -- Thomas Jefferson

"Wars are not paid for in wartime, the bill comes later."

 -- Benjamin Franklin

"When even one American -- who has done nothing wrong --

 is forced by fear to shut his mind and close his mouth,

 then all Americans are in peril."

 -- Harry S. Truman

"The Greatest Enemy Of Knowledge Is Not Ignorance...

 ...It Is The Illusion Of Knowledge"

 -- Stephen Hawking

"The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable."

 -- James A. Garfield quotes (American President (20), 1831-1881)

"We the People are the rightful masters of both congress and

 the courts -- not to overthrow the Constitution, but to

 overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution."

 -- Abraham Lincoln

"Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will

 make violent revolution inevitable."

 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is

 also what it takes to sit down and listen.

 -- Sir Winston Churchill

"Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip  

 the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is 

 indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just 

 as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached 

 a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has 

 closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of 

 the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and 

 blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto 

 the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I 

 have done. And I am Caesar."

 -- Julius Caesar

"Dissent is the highest form of patriotism."

 -- Howard Zinn

"To criticize one's country is to do it a service .... Criticism,

 in short, is more than a right; it is an act of patriotism - a

 higher form of patriotism, I believe, than the familiar rituals

 and national adulation."

 -- U.S. Senator J. William Fulbright

"To question your government is not unpatriotic --

 to not question your government is unpatriotic."

 -- Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Neb.)

"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely

 believe they are free."

 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"The problems in the world today are so enormous they cannot 

 be solved with the level of thinking that created them."

 -- Albert Einstein

"But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing 

 invariably the same Object, evinces a design to reduce them

 under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty,

 to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for 

 their future security."

 -- "The Declaration of Independence"

"The welfare of the people in particular has always been the 

 alibi of tyrants."

 -- Albert Camus

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for

 lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote!"

 -- Benjamin Franklin

"All war is based on deception" 

 -- Sun Tzu

Thanks to http://netctr.com/quotes.html

Lastly: When a Government leads a country to ruin, not only is it a right, but it is a duty for every citizen to rebel. (Hitler, Mein Kampf.)