My road-Companionship and consistency

The science that I ‘proved’ made my time with her more dear, the time away from her more tragic.  She, of course, would never see this; despite her superior intellect and even her longer understanding of the ramifications of historical context.  Perhaps it was the engineer in her, but as a group their creative solutions to problems shows they are as creative as the playrights and poets who make fun of them.

“What is the relevance of all this to the self help book?  Isn’t self help meaningless to your philosophy?”

“Ah, there is the rub.  For the illusion of self determination is as powerful to the players as actual self-determination would be to someone living in a truly random universe.”

“But doesn’t that provide some evidence that there is real self determination, that we do have true randomness in the universe?”

“Hardly.  In a true random universe, nothing could exist linearly.  It would be Vonnegut’s universe of being unstuck in time, but worse.  For chemical reactions would happen differently at different times, the apple would not fall on newton’s head.  This was one of the problems with physics before mine.  The scientists clung to the idea of randomness and thereby had to come up with all manner of excuses for where it was hidden; multiple universes, a different one for each outcome, mind you.  How absurd is that one.  A universe of averages.  Any excuse is merely that.  An excuse to allow them to cling to their precious sense of purpose, the brilliance they could lord over the lesser people, their “prizes and awards” that they knew could not have value without randomness.”

“So you saw no value in what you did from that point on?”

“No.  Not at all.  The power inherent in pre-determination is greater than the value of a random universe.  In a random universe, you preserve nothing from moment to moment.  In the Non-linear universe everything exists forever.  We carve each moment in stone.  As long as the predetermination gives us feelings, the feelings we have last much longer than the etchings in stone that we treasure, or correctly put, they last just as long.

“With my instincts for analysis, I began to look for what was missing in my life, where my relationships were going wrong and, for those limited moments when they were not, where they were going right.

Companionship, I believe is the foundation for any relationship.  This varies depending on the depth of the relationship.  The degree of the relationship, however, is not totally dependent on the companionship.  The version of companionship, in such a judgement, that given by physical presence and that given by emotional fantasy, the idea of being together, of being joined in a common undertaking, in the most committed of relationships, an exclusive undertaking.  The best friend, the mate.

Consistency is a large part of the commonality portion of companionship. What is an inconsistent relationship other than a habitat for doubt and mistrust?  If you cannot trust the underpinnings of a relationship, it is hardly well grounded for the future.

Such a relationship provides no solace, no increase in the sense of security or self-worth.  If you're constantly threatened with being cut off, put in an attic, or merely out to pasture, you cannot let yourself go.

What did we need from the relationship?  We needed someone who gives advice and doesn't judge too harshly. We needed someone who would be there.  Each of these things requires some discussion.***

“How can you judge?”

“Ahh, you ask, judge not lest you be judged.  We all have our own time, Einstein said.  We all have our perspective.  I have already judged myself as wanting, I have done the same of god.  Having judged those, the validity of my perspective may vary with the circumstances, but no one is better suited to render judgement.  Someone involved in a betrayal should not expect to be judged lightly, but in the best of relationships, there is the ability to think independent of the relationship and ours was hardly the best.

Everyone needs someone they can talk to, and someone who they respect enough to judge their actions.  It is about listening in part, but it is also about judgment.

I had my attorneys, who I could talk to, but only about matters of law.  We discussed the remedies which were being sought, but they tell me it may not come ever.  They point out that the law is not to provide a remedy, but merely to remain consistent to itself, to allow both sides some certainty as to what to expect.  In other words, the law is to maintain the status quo.  Those in power must know what it takes to remain in power and must be able to insure against their violations of the rules they pay for.  It makes sense in a way.  It is unfair, but it is necessary to a well ordered society.  Just as the universe has rules, so d those who live in it.  The problem is that the rules are made by people who are fallible, they have their sets of values and they think they have all the information they need to make decisions, but at the same time they do not.

These men seek to provide some sort of judgement far in advance of the events that give rise to the need and their rules left much to be desired in terms of what those of us who had been injured.  Their rules were based on prejudice and graft.  My life, like countless others hung in the balance while those in a position to make decisions, argued amongst themselves, in no hurry to do anything other than deal with their own self interests and protect their own positions of power.  It was helpful that in order to do so, some had to protect each of the two side.

Even an attorney needs someone who they can talk to without being judged except for their own merit.

There was little comfort for me in between these judgements.  Some were personal and they were not at all positive.  Some were business and they seemed to be going very poorly considering my financial fortress was at stake.  This was little different between these measured judgements.  

I could be considered in either case as someone who is blameworthy or merely unfortunate.  For my part, being near the state of virtue, I did my best to provide those who felt they were worse off than me a gentle ear and in some cases physical contact without expectation of any return.  

“Some of what you were doing was reprehensible!  You must have taken judgement in those cases.”

“Really? Each of us has our own special circumstances where we find ourselves.  Society sets down rules, but societies change.  So why shouldn’t we have made our own rules where we could?  Reason stays the same, but the justifications for actions may vary.  The rules were set down by those who ruled in the past and would rule in the present on the issues related to my damages and my morality.  Everyone, to some extent or another, in court or in bed was gas lighting.

The attorneys were gas lighting the judge.  The judge was part of a government that was gas lighting the people.  The people had lovers as a part of it and the lovers were gas lighting each other.  And I was gas lighting myself.