My road physics

Sickness?  It is nothing.  We are all bags of water, so they say. If you stick us the water leaks out, if we are ill, the waters are ill.  It is only between the filling of the bag and the emptying that that we live.  How we live defines us.

And so I called her and told her I would be nearby, in Mississippi.  “Would you like to talk.”

“You mean would I be interested in sleeping with you?  The answer is no.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You don’t need to.”

“Ok.  It’s fair to assume that I want to have sex with you all of the time.  I’ve wanted to have sex with you all the time since I first met you but we didn’t.  Wanting to have sex with you and thinking it’s a good idea are two different things.  You realize when we talk and when we’re not arguing that what we’re doing is as intimate as sex.”

“So we shouldn’t talk.”

“I went too far.”

“No, what you said is the truth.  Our conversations are far too intimate.  We’ve known each other too long.”

“How can you know someone too long?  I just want to talk.  I may be interested in sleeping with you, but I have no agenda.  We can meet by the lake.  We can go have diner afterwards.”  I think two people who liked each other as much as we did, who had shared as much as we did, should not let that go.  They should work things out.  We had a problem, however.  What was the problem?  We were incredibly compatible in bed.  We both knew exactly how we wanted to be touched and we touched each other that way.  We knew how we wanted to be kissed, and that was how we kissed each other.  We knew the different ways that we could couple together and we instinctively seemed to find those ways, and it seemed like we always found something different to add.

For my part, and my part was different than hers for many reasons, I no longer wanted to have sex with anyone else after having her.  That is not to say that when I was with a stranger wearing very little clothing who was making come hither comments and attempting to surreptitiously look me over that I wasn’t interested in some mindless physical activity, but it did mean that I didn’t care about it.  And I can’t explain this, but I had no interest in the sure things, the ex lovers who asked me to make out with them.  Who gave me peculiar looks when I said its complicated.   

“I can’t make it anyway Friday, I have a date.”

“That’s ok, I just thought I would ask.”

“I’ll tell you what, thought.  What time are your meeting over?”
“I should be done by four,” should I tell her that I scheduled it late so I would be there when she was finished, in the unlikely event she had time?

“I’m free till 6:30.  I have a meeting out there.  I was coming back to the office, but I can work at the lakefront office.  If I wear what I’m wearing on the date, then we can meet at 5 for a few minutes. It will give me an excuse to avoid the traffic.”

When I lay dying I will think about what I have done and I will think about god.  For the rest of the week, I would spend most of my time thinking about her.

I was not going to tell her I was there for an interview.  I would have felt stupid and it would have come off as self-serving even though it was only meant to be informative.  Perhaps when we talked, I thought, but knew I would not.  The interview was a waste of time. I was not at all worried.  I was vastly more mature and knew more about the business than they younger person who would be interviewing me and I had no need of taking the job.  It isn’t that I didn’t need the money, but only that for me in the same amount of time, it was easy to envision making more money doing any number of things.  Why would I want to take those skills and use them to make someone else rich? 

But the purpose of the job had nothing to do with the large paycheck and benefits.  It had to do with finding a reason that everyone could understand to move.  And at this point in time, it had nothing to do with moving in with the girl.  She had moved on, I had not; but I had now lived most of my life without moving on from her and was well used to the idea of mindless, emotionless sex with strangers that would not last because I was in love with someone else and I was far past the idea of starting another family.  Been there, made that mistake already.  If I had to chew my leg off to get out of that trap, I hoped I’d have the good sense not to trap one of the other ones.

And, of course, it was unlikely I would get the job despite my qualifications, because I would be honest in my outside interests.  However compatible they would be with the job, they were a distraction of time and a conflict.

As a physicist, you might think that I would  have no faith, that I would look only to mathematics for my religion.  That I would assume that since god was more complicated than space, that god could not ‘evolve’ before space.  That, of course, would not occur to you if you studied quantum mechanics or if you think about it logically. 

The universe is far too evolved to serve as a platform for evolution.  The old fashioned idea of a big bang, nonsense as an origin event, though it likely occurred.  How can you have a bang without something to explode?  I provide a framework for this, of course, a big bang that always happens and has always happened, but think about how that adds to the complexity of the universe.

To rule out life forms that exist outside of time, that exist all at once might sound like science fiction, but the math as I see it says that we exist like that.  We don’t realize it because of the illusion of linearity, but there it is nonetheless.

Moreover, because we all exist at once and without separation by real time or space, the concentration of intelligence is more godlike than manlike.

, physics which doesn't ask for god, but does show     Perhaps in such a scenario a type of god is mathematically possible, perhaps even mandated, but not your god.  This god may be all knowing, he may be able to understand every emotion you have ever had at one time.  But he cannot change a thing, not a single god damned thing, because he already knows what will happen and in fact has made it happen.

But, of course, if I am the spawn of satan as you apparently want to believe, I must be an outlier, imbued with true self determination, the random element in a non-random universe.  

We had this discussion.  “You’re using your theory as an excuse for your conduct.”

“That isn’t true.  I think from our perspective, the illusion of self determination is as relevant as it would be for true self-determination. I only say that in a universe governed by specific rules, you can predict what happens next and that is the same thing as saying it has already happened.”

“That doesn’t matter, even if it is a clever exercise in logic.  You used me.”

“We needed each other, maybe.  You want to accuse me of manipulating you, but if you believe that you have to think that I can plan 20 or 30 years in advance and that I’d be willing to do that just toy with you for a whim.  You’d have to believe that I don't really like you.”

“I have to go.”

“We’ll see each other Friday?”  I meant it as a question, did it come out that way?

“Good bye.”