my road conflicts

I do not want to make it sound as if I exercised any special talents or dominance in our encounters or that her sense of fulfillment was any greater than mine.  One would have to assume that she had taken lessens in love making to share this quality time with her.  I was helpless in her arms far more than she was in mine.  There was no special power in my position, we were both painfully aware that my love was focused only on her, while we both knew that I was merely an eddy within the turbulent flow of her seemingly endless stream of admirers and lovers.

And you should not take from this that ours was a physical relationship. Yes, the physical part was phenomenal and my experience though far from vast was sufficient to let me know that it was far better than any of the sinners, saints or pathologically nymphomaniac sexual partners that I had had before.  We saw each other because of a deep emotional attachment that had developed with no sex at all over decades.  Despite everything, the demands on her time, the catastrophes that seemed to pile on each of us, mine personal, hers business, that we both faced, we made time to be together.

What about your other relationship, the one you should have tended to.

Should have tended to?  For what purpose, I could be a companion there, but never could I love there.  But you are talking about legal conflicts, not practical conflicts.  There were plenty of both.

Understanding conflicts is important, but it is also about the choices.  The choice for someone who was dedicated to me and someone who only claimed it.  That highlights the difference between conflicts and choices.  My choices were based on fear.  The conflicts were based on logic.   Logic suggested love, fear suggested caution.

Between the state of death that we all live in and the state of virtue we only visit there lies a large gulf.  There is virtue that will come over time and there is a retreat from virtue that seems simultaneous.  

The difference between choice and conflict in itself was a conflict, but the conflict goes much deeper and shallower than just the conflict between virtue and fortune, between purity and corruption, between a life of dedication to the higher things in life, society, knowledge and love; and a life of servitude to something dark corrupted and lacking in love or even lust.

We talked more than we had sex and in this our conversations were as intertwined as our bodies when we shared a bed.  “I have to eat what you might call a "purge" diet because I ate so badly today.  That translates in this case to apple and banana slices with water.  This was my resolution as that horrible food was churning in my stomach as I swam a desultory 2500 yards. When we weren’t talking I could not make myself swim, so I was especially happy to get that far and still have some energy left over.  Once started I forced myself to finish.”

“I am jealous. I hope to go for a run later, but there is so little time today and after dark it will be dangerous.  I wish you were here so we could do something together.”

“I know.  You promise me we’ll do naked yoga together one day and the thought of it keeps me awake at nights.”

“Then come here and stay with me.”

There is a moment of silence filled with so much that I cannot put into words.  Where am I supposed to live if I do this.  My resources are already stretched to the limit.  No they are stretched far beyond their limits.

 Quitting is causing a lot of these problems.  Trying to find peace is different from quitting.  I would over this time experiment with getting in touch with my soul and with the soul of the larger universe for even though I am compelled to believe in predestination, I believe that the illusion of self determination is as important, nay more important, than the reality.  For if the illusion creates a permanent place, then what could be a more important place to be than one where you truly feel you belong?  And by now I hope you do not need to ask where I thought I belong, where I think I belonged.

That doesn't rule out exploring alternatives, pursuing alternatives, but that is not quitting.  But I've said quitting too much, probably giving the wrong impression.  I am not sure that pursuit of the soul, for example, requires sinking with a ship, but this ship is not completely without buoyancy.

This is only a detour, I lied to her and myself.  Soon enough things will work out.

I'm not comfortable with delay, but it has to do with the present being part with the past and that is true even of the future.  It is a given that you can't change the past, that doesn't have to be resaid a thousand times, but if it is, no significant loss results.

Part of not abandoning the ship, is dealing with conflict.  Conflict, one must assume, is not something with which the soul would be comfortable.

This is not an area where rules I understand apply, but apparently their are some fairly simple rules for getting in touch with your soul.  Getting rid of conflicts seems to be in order.  This was important then, but without her I no longer care.  For you, however, I will give a short list of possible conflicts are in order.

Conflicts in goals.

conflicts in desires

conflicts of interest

conflicts in choices.  

And for me, the conflict between love and duty.

Getting in touch with the soul doesn't mean dealing with conflict, directly.  IT involves being honest, with yourself first, with everyone else afterwards.

And what is love.  Jacki Kennedy said “The first time, you marry for love; the second, for money; and the third, for companionship.”   How'd you like to be her second husband?  Not that there is a problem with money, but love and companionship, that's perhaps the two most important things that can be shared and I fear to some extent that passion with someone else drives a wedge in the way of anything other than friendship with someone else, all that is left after your love is given to someone is companionship.

That's one of the things from my notes, to determine what you want from relationships.  But did that have to do with figuring out how to get in touch with my soul or did that have to do with leadership or is it leadership.

Perhaps conflicts of what you need are in order.  Food and shelter, a feeling of safety, a feeling of accomplishment, spiritual fulfillment.

It all runs together, maybe I should listen to things twice.  But the conflict part, that was really there.  Conflict resolution is about fulfilling the needs.  Safety and security, vs sacrifice vs the pursuit of pleasure.

And what is a victory?  “Pleasure comes from different places.  I went to the red cross and helped them know where to send people who called them in need of heat and shelter.  Yeah, that was me providing safety and security, felt good.”

 So what does a leader do to those who need this, (1) bring the fears into the open, explain the need not to be afraid and share the strength of the strong with the weak.  That's leadership.

Successful leadership means addressing all of the issues that are in conflict.  Some seem to be easy.  Address feelings of inadequacy by reinforcing the small victories along the way and envisioning the possibilities in the future.

Addressing the problems with cooperation requires dealing with the bad things that prevent it, conflicts, dishonesty, jealousy.  Those are just some of the things that I had to face in dealing with my lover.  The best that I could do to address it was by sharing what time we had, in person, in writing or on the phone.  Especially sharing emotions and when she would let me, sharing vision.

There was also the need to nurture and be nurtured.  Ah, there's the rub.  That's the one we should have dealt with.  And how do we deal with that one, by abandoning those who seek to share with us?  Not so sure that's the one.  Showing that you care, in public where appropriate and in private.

The more that I came to live in the state of virtue, the greater was the need to be creative and grow.  This is a place where we excelled when we were together, but a place where I challenged myself to grow when we were apart.  It was only impossible when she excluded me and I had to suffer in not only the absence of her presence, but the absence of hope for a future between us.  For when we did talk, when she would let down her guard, all our desires seemed to come together in common, anywhere with you, was what we said to one another.  Anywhere with you, I said to myself.