my road-a world locked in amber

No, I thought.  There is the answer to the question of if I am doing something.  There were too many problems, too many contingencies.  “I haven’t made any progress yet.”

The best ever a combination of beauty and brains, good genes and good advice responded, “I see.  Well you should know that I’m not in limbo, I’m moving on with my life, going out with whoever I want to and getting laid if I want.”

She was no longer my lover or my confidant, maybe she wasn’t even my friend.  I smiled, however, because she got to be the love of my life.  After sleeping in her bed, all other beds seem like foreign places, like cheap hotel beds because she was not there.  I am now only comfortable in sleeping bags in the dust, sharing my time with bugs under the stars.  This is a place I will be at the end of this story.

I was so in trouble and so in love I almost could not look into the future.  It is little surprise I came up with my theory of a world locked in amber.

The things I thought I needed to do were less important than the things I thought were optional.

The conflicts I had were between love and friendship, a complacent survival and a high risk life.  I was, I thought, a little old for a high risk life.  On the other hand, if I didn’t make something of my life, I would be nothing but an indention on a couch.  Then there was my responsibility to others versus the one to myself and then the one to society and finally, the one to her.

These were things we said, and I believed, we both deeply longed for. Family and a place to call home.  I put my hands on her butt, looking for a way and places to give pleasure and support at the same time.  She got rigid and then relaxed lowering herself into my hands.

Perhaps I realized the futility of my position subconsciously.  One more hopeless soul for her crusade and so I wrote my physics of futility.  In my world, bp should have seen what was coming.  I should have seen it coming.  Had we both done a little research on what we were getting into, if I had done a little research into why i was so out of place in the world, why i felt so deeply, why bp drilled so deeply, we could have realized the cause of our problems and the low standards of our conduct.

And why did she do what she did?  She was, of necessity, working herself to death for a very animated inantimate object, the city of hot summer dreams.  She had shared in its deep psychological trauma which had, perhaps brought her temporarily down to my lonely level, just as my sense of virtue had brought me up towards hers.

I was losing weight while developing an irritating stomach, not the washboard I needed.  My only deserts now were grapefruit flavored yogurts.  

“You want to say I chose friendship with someone I do not get along with particularly well over love with someone well understood, but there were circumstances of health and stability.”

“In leadership, they say you must first make everyone feel safe.”  She was a natural leader, but was she making me feel safe, could anyone?  “What's more important, you have been manipulated and you allowed that.  What kind of partner would you be for me?”

“I never made a choice.”

“You should have.  It’s not too late to start.”

“Forgive me my indiscretions in the name of acting without thinking rather than through intention.”

“You do well sometimes.  When you feel powerful, I can see it.  When you’re decisive you’re worth being around.”

“When we are apart I constantly looked to my e-mail and texts, to the calls I missed to see if there was something from you.” 

“Pathetic.”

Then we were talking about dogs and evolution.  The dog is a wonderful tool, that freed up the hand, finds necessary things, food and water, warns of danger and in a pinch an excellent source of protein and warmth.  The perfect companion for primitive man.  An evolved relationship.

Now we come to the part where simplification of complication and the meeting of all minds occurs.

For the principles that give rise to evolution, the math and chemistry, are the same ones that give rise to predestination.  And what is predestination but design.  It may or may not be intelligent, but if you believe in evolution fundamentally, you believe in predestination because the same features that dictate evolution dictate a given outcome of all things.

And this means the atheist and the fundamentalist religious both have no more choice in their beliefs than the rocks under your feet.  It is equally likely there is a god as not, the unbelievability of existence makes an absolute complication like god possible and in fact, predestination requires a set of fixed rules which are much a god as anything else predicted by NLT.

And I am no more an outlier than the man in the moon which himself is a fiction.  IT doesn't justify my evilness that you are so sure of, it merely means that I am as innocent as anyone else, St Paul, Hitler or you.  We are all equally capable of doing the right thing and the wrong thing, but we're destined to do it, I don't need to go back 25 years to start to sin, I sin all along

“So what are you doing to help me or destroy me?  You should do one or the other.”

“Nothing.  You are just not going to be there.  To me you will have to be nothing.”

The end of the world may be some whimpering thing, but if we master time so we can see the past and the future which are, in my mind and by my math fixed in stone, all of our arguments and lovemaking will appear to us we will see our birth and our death and that will kill us.